posted July 04, 2009 05:53 AM         

I noticed a change in your posts recently.

We don't speak much in the threads, but I love your posts. I've been all too familiar with depression. Never forget that you have this brilliant light inside you - and you do - you bring so much wisdom and light to LL. I think you're awesome.

posted July 04, 2009 10:10 PM         

A very bad break up, and it was over something completely shallow & stupid & temporary. I don't want to go into details, but it has really left me not wanting to get into another serious relationship for a very long time, I think. It has also left me without any motorized vehicles of my own at this time.

Meanwhile my landlord has gotten himself into a financial mess through his own irresponsibility and is now trying to do the same thing that caused the housing crisis, including selling the place I live. What's really annoying is that he's showing the many improvements I made (mostly beautifying the place--Libra here, after all--most of the other improvements actually more jury-rigged, though I've made or arranged for some real improvements) as a selling point. He threatened to raise my rent, but I mentioned how I could "beautify" the place even more in ways unsellable, rent control, and alerting the tax authorities about the improvements on his property, and he's backed down for now (especially as the pros have remarked on real problems with the foundation, saying the house should actually be torn down and rebuilt from scratch--which almost certainly means all the flowers & shrubs I've grown will be ruined, which leaves me unhappy, even if I wouldn't be living here anymore anyway). Things remain tense between us...I think the term is "détente."

So I need to find a new place. And I'm wondering, do I get new place local where I'm sure of work & friends (ie, sensible but timid)? Or buy in another state where I want to settle when prices are unlikely to be better, but no friends or dependable income will be present (ie, brave but reckless)?

(Currently, I'm thinking of learning to bartend, since they make good tips and even in small towns should make enough money for doing what I want to do until I can get on my feet better...but I'd still need to go to bartender school for that...but after that, I wonder if I shouldn't instead try getting a MLS, paying for it with money made as a bartender, since I already have experience working for reference librarians, and would probably be happy working as one, though that job is much less dependable and pays less with no tips.)

Nearly all my electronics are gone (TV, dvd and video player, old radio & CD player, and other stuff, no longer working--some of it already gotten rid of, others waiting for me to making a decision on what to do with it). My computer is frankensteined & jury rigged, and it's having problems, too. I recently lost a good monitor and had to go back to using one made in the 90s. And when the next computer part breaks down (other than printer & speaker), I've pretty much lost its use, too. This has made my enjoying music as I work harder to do, too.

Every time I come into a windfall of money, people I know need it. And for the most part, these are friends who have stood by me, so it's not like they're freeloaders. It's just frustrating because I'm TRYING to save for my move mentioned above, and when I make ground, I lose it. I also recently spent some money on someone else having a hard time & with a bad stomach flu, and will pretty much be funding most of a b-day party for a little girl in the near future. All good & well, but that's money not going for my dream (or even buying a new CD player, which I'd really like).

I'm known to be very good with kids, btw. I have a recommendation from a children's librarian so glowing it's radiant. I've entertained children professionally (still get called for that at times), hosted tween parties for free, and recently made a lot of money taking kids to see the Hannah Montana movie. This has gotten me more babysitting gigs (though I usually avoid those these days) which recently included a woman who feared her husband's death threats (and, natch, the police were refusing to enforce the restraining order)...she not only got me to babysit, but essentially doing bodyguard duty (I'm in excellent shape, have street fighting experience, years of self-defense training, and know how to use the G23 I carry concealed) while trying to not let the children KNOW I was there to keep them alive in case their daddy showed up with a shotgun as much as babysit them. This was started back when several other fathers shot up their family, with the copycats it inspired, so it was extremely stressful as I maintained constant vigilance (and had to worry about legal problems like if he tried to kidnap the children using brute force and I drove him away with my gun--could I be charged with brandishing and/or assault with a deadly weapon? And if I shot him in front of the children, what would that do to them?) and contemplated the minds that can snuff out children like that over an offended ego (he's currently jailed over unrelated charges, at least I think so--lots more I could share about this, but too OT...). To top it off, I wasn't paid much (as she couldn't afford to).

And aspects of my past have been brought up again & again recently, as if the cosmos is trying to get me to think about the bad stuff back then (though I don't see a point in it). Most recently I was exposed to the stories of 2 prostitutes, had a guy ask me what I did to survive as a runaway, and the like, which brought back a lot of horrid memories, though I acted nonchalant about it and mainly shared the better memories, glossing over the bad (like my BFF getting killed by a pimp, seeing so much corruption & violence, how I got a permanent scar on my neck from being slashed with a razor 10 years ago, among other things). To top it off, I gave an interview to a Girl Scout Junior trying to get her Making Hobbies badge (part of my income comes from the things I make)..and my BFF (one killed years later by a pimp) and I were Girl Scout Juniors ourselves when I got us out of it because of a secret she swore me not to tell anyone (which I've kept to the best my conscience allows). So as I gave the best & most pleasant interview I could, I was saddened by thoughts of my BFF, what happened to her, and what I lost when she died.

And I guess it's taking its toll. Others have noticed that I seem depressed at times, just kinda staring out a window frowning (I'm usually more focused, and with a sense of humor, if not sparklingness--the energy probably due to my Mars in Sag). And I have to admit it's likely given I've been spending a lot more time up late (in part making my crafts for sale) which includes escapism (watching things on the internet), house work (I almost do this at night only if I'm depressed & worried--I suspect it's how I feel more "in control" of a sitch), and more ice cream & chocolate (luckily, I've actually lost weight, in part because of summer activities, but also a lot more time at the gym trying to burn off my adrenaline built up from the stress), which is stuff I tend to do when depressed.

Luckily, I've stayed away from alcohol (as a rule, I don't drink when depressed), though I expect I'll drink some tonight at the 4oJ celebration.

posted July 05, 2009 05:49 AM         

Not wanting to sound like a broken record, I've had so many yukky things happen over the last few years. It was beginning to take its toll. But I've managed to put a few strategies in place and I've got a little of my Sag pizzazz back for a while.

Mars in Sag......Let me think - going to the gym does make sense for you!!! Action, energy!!! Outdoors stuff for you? In fact, it seems like your Mars probably has been a lucky factor being in Sag and going through everything you've been through. Sag's have got a great eye (using a bow and arrow), so you'd be a great shot - not that I'd ever want you to be in that situation.

Kids would be attracted to your Mars as well..!! I knew you had a lot going for you!!! I've picked up that vibe!!! I can't really see things getting too bad for you. You have to many skills to let yourself down. I don't think you could let yourself down if you tried.

I'm sorry, I'm not sure what BFF means - but it's traumatic you lost a friend in such a violent way. You'll never forget her and I'm sure her memory will nourish your heart and you will give a part of her back to someone else to help them.

Are you more of an introspective person? It's okay to watch things on the internet and do our housework at night - Jeepers, you sound like me!!! I love doing these things!!!

Thanks for sharing, Dervish. You really have been through a lot. I believe you'll create the life you want. Anyway, we're all here to share and offer support. Knowflakes can be good like that

Keep us posted with how things are turning out. We want to know your dreams!!!!!!!

posted July 05, 2009 06:09 PM         

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Mars in Sag

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Yeah, lots of outdoors stuff for me, including surfing, skateboarding (less & less of this), archery, various shooting sports (and yeah, I have good aim apparently). I also like getting away from the city lights when I can and laying under the stars. I was also first called Dervish because of my dancing, sometimes very energetic, that could inspire altered states within me.

That Sag-Mars energy sometimes disturbs people (one friend said she was glad she knew me when I greeted her once or she'd have thought I was on meth), but yeah, VERY useful. Like that radiant reference...I was the only of about a dozen who promised to show up for a summer reading program at the library, so I had to do the work of 12 (including a day when we had to heard the children across a busy highway twice and go to the beach). And it pushed me to my limits, but I did it.

But I do turn a lot of that energy into Libran mental pursuits, and so I can be introspective. While there are many people I'm on friendly terms with, I'm only close to a handful. I currently have 1 BFF (BFF = Best Friend Forever), though I call Debbie (who died) that, even if I didn't know the term then (but it fits what we had). As far as I know, Debbie still visits me once in awhile, as I catch myself having mental conversations with her about one thing or another in my life...

Anyway, thanks for the words of support.

And I have a Leo ascendant.

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But I don't see the Crabby Pregzilla side

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posted July 05, 2009 07:25 PM         

Just my two cents for what it is worth.
I've been bartending over twenty years and you don't need to go to bartending school.
In fact, I worked at places that wouldn't hire people who went to one, some places prefer you learn on the job...just so you do it THEIR way.
Bear in mind, there is no alcohol permitting in bartending school, so while they teach you the theory (mixology) which you can read from a book, the can't tell you how to know if it comes out tasting right, because all the ingredients aren't allowed on the premises.
Best way to learn is on the job training.

Also, do you have alot of patience? Can you tolerate drunk people, people who repeat themselves, who constantly try to monopolize your attention away from other customers, and when they don't get their way they don't leave you a tip because you "ignored' them, even though you waited on them for 6 hours straight.
Can you handle jealous women, who feel threatened by you because your a female who is 'waiting' on their man? You get lots of that.
You must be able to lift heavy objects and work odd hours, sometimes double and triple shifts on demand.
You must be able to put on a smile no matter what is happening in your personal life, because the customer comes firtst and their 'good time' is what you are selling.
I could go on and on.
It is good money, you ALWAYS have cash in pocket ,even though you may not get much time to spend it.
I always seem to get lured back, after working 40 hours a week and getting paid half of what I made bartending for 20 hours.
Just somethings to think about. Best Wishes!

posted July 05, 2009 09:23 PM         

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Best way to learn is on the job training

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That should've been obvious to me. I've long noticed that book learning and real life learning yield very different results, and real life is preferable to a book (ie, IF you must choose only one). I think with my next windfall, I'll visit some bars and interview bartenders over drinks, if I can.

quote:

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Also, do you have alot of patience? Can you tolerate drunk people, people who repeat themselves, who constantly try to monopolize your attention away from other customers, and when they don't get their way they don't leave you a tip because you "ignored' them, even though you waited on them for 6 hours straight.

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Replace "drunk people" with "children" and yes, I have PLENTY of experience.

But growing up with alcoholics and being around enough winos have taught me a lot of patience with drunks. This is one reason I thought of bartending, because I learned how to manage hardcore alcoholics so well, surely I can manage those who are able to hold down a job.

I can share tales of going into bars completely sober and dealing with some obnoxious drunks...like once a friend called for me to pick her up, so I went but by the time I got there, she'd changed her mind. Oh, first I had to find her as she wasn't where she was supposed to be. Got hit on by a guy who wasn't understanding no or the ring I wear to dissuade guys, so I went into the restroom only to get hit on by a drunk woman. Luckily, when I went out, Casanova had his sights on someone else, and I managed to find my friend, who wanted to finish her drink first. As she did, a guy went on and on about something (which I couldn't understand as I couldn't hear him over the crowd), emphasizing points from time to time by poking me under my shoulder, while I smiled & nodded despite my seeing this as very rude. After I caught my friend trying to get another drink, I rather forcibly got her to leave (without it seeming foreful). Barely managed to avoid getting hit by a drunk as I pulled out of the parking lot, and she wanted to go to the store to pick up some things, where I had to put up with another drunk outside of it. Finally got her home, to bed, fed her cat, and went back home, remembering why I avoided going out on Fridays and Saturdays...but yeah, I can handle them...and I would if the pays good enough.

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Can you handle jealous women, who feel threatened by you because your a female who is 'waiting' on their man? You get lots of that.

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Would wearing a ring and claiming to be married fix that? I've found this trick doesn't stop plenty of guys from coming onto me, so I don't know if it might calm women down. If it didn't work, I'd try complimenting them.

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You must be able to lift heavy objects and work odd hours, sometimes double and triple shifts on demand.

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I lift weights (though I'm not a body builder, and I concentrate more on tone & endurance over "maxing out" what I can lift) and have plenty of energy. I've been told I have the energy of 12 kids...

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You must be able to put on a smile no matter what is happening in your personal life, because the customer comes firtst and their 'good time' is what you are selling.

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That sounds like now. Especially my entertainment gigs.

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OH YEAH! and do you have what I call "crowd control?" can you diffuse fights and/or sense them coming and them choose the right side to be on, thereby angering the other party? And can you break up fights, and seriously throw people out, I mean physically?

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Diffuse and sense them coming? I have. "Crowd control"? Not sure til I try, but I manage kids who have just downed a month's worth of sugar in less than an hour well enough.

Given my knowledge of pressure points, and experience, I expect I could physically throw a guy much bigger than me (especially if he's drunk) outside, though I figure that's what BOUNCERS are for. If there were no bouncers, I'd probably ask guys who are loyal customers there to show their chivalry and do it for me.

Breaking up fights, probably not, unless throwing a bucket of cold water on them does the trick. Well, I COULD, I'm sure, but both guys (I doubt I'd try if there were more) would probably need a doctor to look at at least one of their legs afterward...again, I'd try to get other guys (if there wasn't a bouncer) to do it for me.

In my experience growing up, boys were loathe to fight me, as they could win and at best, who cared as I was a girl, or worse, get the snot beat out of them later, possibly by their own parents--but if I won, then it was humiliation nation for them. Once, after I got into a fight with the head cheerleader and her jock boyfriend pulled me off of her and then punched me, he was tackled moments later by my male classmates who beat him so bad that he was going to miss the next game (so the principal said the next morning as he futilely tried to make me feel guilty about it).

Long story regarding it which I'm skipping, I was once attacked by 3 skinheads--each a guy bigger than me--when I was 15. They ended up running while I held my ground, though the crowd rushing up may have spooked them as much as my finally pulling out my butterfly knives, psyched to use them. They managed to beat me pretty good (I couldn't even drink without wanting to cry from the pain in my mouth, and my teeth were red with blood from my lip & cheek, one saying I'd probably need stitches, though I managed), but friends who observed it said it was "hilarious," that I was like "a cat" they couldn't hold onto, I was punching (and kicking with my combat boots--oh, and I hit one with a chair) so fast that it was a blur, and each time drew blood (I wore spiked rings on my fingers), yowling, while they grew more & more frustrated and upset that they couldn't beat me down.

And back then, I didn't have any training in krav, wing chun, or other self-defense & martial arts technique (I once put a drunk guy down much bigger than me on his knees, with him screaming in pain--primarily by locking his finger and twisting it & his wrist painfully back in less than 5 seconds, though I used a couple of blows on him, too--when he acted as if he were going to rape me once since I had that training).

'Course as I say, I'd try to get others to do my "dirty work" first.