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Author Topic:   reversal of misfortune
stopandstare
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Posts: 90
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Registered: May 2009

posted August 06, 2009 07:09 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for stopandstare     Edit/Delete Message
i just wanted to ramble a bit about something i've thought about for the last several years. is anyone out there like myself who is now better in some way than they were when they were younger? in my case and i think i've written about it a bit here on other topics, i used to be the fat and with that, ugly girl growing up. i was a very cute, skinny baby, but that was it. but then i lost the weight and just grew up like everyone else. every day i take a bath, wear makeup, comb my hair, wear clean clothes...i just take care of myself like most everyone else does.

i guess i just think it's really strange to go from being this invisible nothing to something to be looked at. like i remember when i first started my job, people were all out gawking at me and i was like what is wrong with people here? turns out word got around that the new hire was "so pretty" so people were examining me at my cubicle like some animal at the zoo. but that was how the female head of the department described me as. all my life i'm known as this academic and then i'm reduced to just something to look at. i get followed around by men, hit on at the most mundane places, even married men try to flirt with me...it all kind of grosses me out and weirds me out. although i am flattered if it's someone normal ...but then i can't help but to feel as if this isn't right or i feel out of place somehow.

sometimes i think god wasted some good stuff on me because i'm not up to fully represent the nice superficial features he gave me. i find myself "ugly-ing" myself down at times so as to not draw attention to myself. like i'll purposely wear an old hoodie if i'm all dressed up for work to hide the fact that i'm all dressed up for work or i'll switch to my boyish canvas shoes if i'm wearing a dress and i'm done work. it's like, i can't seem to fully reconcile how i feel on the inside with how i now look on the outside.

anyone have similar experiences? maybe not with looks but maybe you grew up poor and now you're well off....etc...thoughts anybody?

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Dervish
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Posts: 185
From:
Registered: May 2009

posted August 06, 2009 10:06 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Dervish     Edit/Delete Message
In a like rambling tone...

My experience growing up was that for multiple reasons I didn't develop enough body fat which prevented me from entering puberty as my body couldn't produce enough estrogen. I didn't actually start to become a woman until I was almost 17 (and it stopped a lot until I was 18--even had a final growth spurt at 21). Being prepubescent in middle & high school is NOT pleasant.

I do not like the message that the "teen years are the best years of your life." So far, they have been unquestionably the worse for me (though I have had some of the most positive experiences in my life then, too). If I thought my life was going to get WORSE, I'd have killed myself.

I was pretty tomboyish in dress & appearance, and I rarely had a lot of people into me. (There were those **** rumors, but I don't think those count since I could've had horns growing out of my head & guys still would've swam through a river of snot to get to me if they felt I'd "put out" for them. )

One odd time was back when I was 19, a guy about 30 who I did not know at all followed me around and BEGGED me to whip him with my belt. I'd have done it just to get rid of him, too, but I was scared I'd NEVER get rid of him if I did. I later found out that the local subculture into S&M tended to dress the way I did (close enough). The fact I wore a spiked belt the way I did meant to those people that I either wanted to whip someone or be whipped with it, and my boyish looks made it look like the former, and thus the guy was hoping I'd whip HIM. So good call in not indulging him as that would've encouraged him even more. Personally, I don't care what people do with each other willingly, but having a strange guy who is way older than me asking me to use my belt on him weirded me out hardcore.

For multiple reasons, I let my hair return to its strawberry blonde (maybe a little chemical fried as its slightly-but noticeably--lighter than my body hair, including brows, and given that I was a light blonde at birth whose hair darkened into strawberry blonde, maybe my hair would've darkened slightly more had I not doused it in chemicals for a few years). I also let it grow out long, and dressed more feminine. And yeah, the guys were all over me, though much more important was that people I did business with took me a lot more seriously once I stopped looking like a teen tomboy.

Now I gauge what I want to convey or do or what reactions I want and dress accordingly. I can still get carded to get into the movies if I dress a certain way, or walk into bars unhindered dressed another. I can look natural in both goth & industrial clubs as well as seeming to fit right into a redneck bar. It's all in how I dress & carry myself.

But sometimes I feel like I'm wearing a bunch of masks. Who am I really? Even I don't know for sure. I really relate to this line from The Company of Wolves:

quote:
ROSALEEN: Are you our kind, or their kind?

HUNTSMAN: Not one kind or the other. Both.

ROSALEEN: Then where do you live? In our world, or in theirs?

HUNTSMAN: I come and go between them. My home is nowhere.


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stopandstare
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Posts: 90
From:
Registered: May 2009

posted August 07, 2009 07:00 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for stopandstare     Edit/Delete Message
hi dervish, thanks for rambling too

i liked how you put it as wearing a bunch of masks. i feel as if the mask i wore until i was about 10 is still on me but no one can see it but me.

i was opposite of you in that i grew up by the time i was 10. it's tough trying to be all sporty and tomboyish when you gotta like wear a bra and you're pmsing while trying to play on your sports team...

it's just really strange to go from nothing to something when you still feel the same. i remind people how oh yeah once upon a time i was fat and they don't believe it. or i'll be like yeah nobody ever asked me out when i was in high school and dare i put my neck out there and say in university as well. nobody really believes me.

i was only overweight up until i was 10 but that stuff sticks with you forever especially when your sister and all the women in the family are bone thin. i was well-liked and all that but i was definitely not one of those girls all the boys went after. i was more like someone's good friend. it was only when i finished school and went off to work did the tables turn though i don't know why or how.

i once read an article about an english actor who had a similar story like mine. was chubby growing up and was kind of like a nobody. but then he grew up and was like fawned over for being this brooding, mysterious gorgeous actor. he mentioned how he was suspicious of good looking people despite the fact that he was one of them.

i just feel weird having crossed over when i feel the same when i was overweight and just happily cruising through life on my brains and personality. but now it's like i gotta be conscious of my face and body and that people judge me for it. it's just all so strange....

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Writesomething
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Posts: 1021
From: meet me in montauk
Registered: Apr 2009

posted August 08, 2009 04:36 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Writesomething     Edit/Delete Message
stopandstare- i really relate to what youve written. I was a "ugly duckling" as a young kid/teen, and now I like to think Im pretty attractive person generally that gets a lot of male attention. I dont see myself the way people see me, probably because im always going to be that ugly, slightly overweight little girl...its a hard transition. I like to think its humbled me in some ways, because most of the time, I know looks are nothing compared to whats inside a person's heart. I normally downplay my looks depending on my mood, because I dont like the attention I can attract. I do have a tomboy side that will never go away, its been a long journey becoming girly(which I love being).

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stopandstare
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Posts: 90
From:
Registered: May 2009

posted August 08, 2009 05:30 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for stopandstare     Edit/Delete Message
hey writesomething, thanks for sharing your story yeah i'm the same in that it's been a looonnngg journey to embrace the girly side

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blue moon
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Posts: 597
From: U.K
Registered: Apr 2009

posted August 08, 2009 06:02 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for blue moon     Edit/Delete Message
Thin maybe wasn't so fashionable back in the 70s/80s or maybe I really did look a bit ill. I don't know for sure. I do remember a few less than complimentary comments headed my way. Not being particularly sensitive about my person I didn't really care that much.

Maybe the same people grew up to be journalists and write articles examining the amount of cellulite on Jerry Hall's thighs.

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lechien
Knowflake

Posts: 192
From: i live in a kitchen
Registered: May 2009

posted August 09, 2009 08:45 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for lechien     Edit/Delete Message
i can really relate too. when i was a child i was something like the prettiest girl of the school but also a tomboy, i was very popular but also boys bullied me (cuz they liked me duh) and girls were mean to me (cuz jealous). but somehow i wasn't vain or anything, i was popular not only because i was active and cute, but because i was a very nice kind girl.

then after i turned 9-10 the tomboy thing wasn't really working anymore (not that i was calculative) and since i cared nothing about fashion trend etc, i ended up at the other end of the popularity scale. i also became a bookworm and never went out anymore. i had absolutely NO teenage fun, no boyfriend no going out just books books books, and no one paid any attention to me.

when i was 20 i had my first boyfriend and stayed with him for almost 5 years. after we broke up, for the first time i noticed that everyone wanted me. girl or boy, they found me so hot and pretty, i was only not paying any attention because i had a boyfriend. the whole time i was with him, although he told me how pretty i was, i just thought that was because he was a boyfriend!

but now, because i spent over half of my life believing that i am plain, i am never coming in terms with my looks that people find so nice. i am flattered but i feel like it's about someone else. i'm often times regressing to thinking i'm ugly, and wish i had more confidence. i'm still super photo shy.

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stopandstare
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Posts: 90
From:
Registered: May 2009

posted August 09, 2009 06:40 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for stopandstare     Edit/Delete Message
lechien and blue moon: thanks for sharing

i know a man who had a similar story and he seems very guarded with the attention he gets. but i think the irony is that he doesn't downplay his looks or the way he presents himself though. i wonder if it's harder for a guy to go through this or what males feel about being like a geek back in the day and is now like the hot stuff this guy doesn't seem to appreciate it, yet he doesn't hide how he looks either.

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lalalinda
Moderator

Posts: 182
From: nevada
Registered: Apr 2009

posted August 09, 2009 07:11 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for lalalinda     Edit/Delete Message
I was an invisible child untill I got breast
and then suddenly they (men) started coming from all directions.

I've been dealing with it ever since.

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