posted August 20, 2009 05:10 PM         

cpn, i love that song!

awww, wheels always happy to make a girl cry. and you made me feel a little better about not always liking people, so thank you too!

posted August 21, 2009 05:31 AM         

Here's the thing...

Expectations are silly. Many people cannot (and should not be expected to) be self-sufficient. Many others can manage, if they have to, but, still, cannot be self-sufficient without losing some essential chunk of their souls in the process. At least, in the present scheme of things we like to call "civilization". I don't think the answer is to villify these individuals and insist upon our expectations for them. Rather, I think we need to look at how we are organizing society. Are we making self-sufficiency easier for a certain temperament, and harder, or even impossible, for people of other temperaments? And I don't mean "good" and "bad" people, but, rather, people who have different things to offer, some of which are valued by the culture, and some of which are not. Always, cultures tend to define a good person as one who fits into the culture, and a bad person as one who cannot find his/her place in the culture. Yet, we find that, as cultures change, the kind of people deemed "good" changes along with it. Something is wrong here.

Now, just because we cannot expect everyone to be self-sufficient, doesnt mean that others can expect us to sustain them. We have choices to make. Most of us will be lucky if we can "plough our own furrow". We have every right to turn our backs on the drowning, rather than risk being pulled under with them. But lets not devalue their struggle, in order to justify our refusal to assist. We are free not to assist them, but lets do it for the right reasons, or, at least, for reasons that are not fictions. People do need help. But we can't help everyone. And we need to start by helping ourselves, as best we can. Sometimes the best you can do for others is help yourself, and not be a burden to them. But there are people out there who are able to help themselves and others, as well. God bless them. Not only are they relatively free of drama, but, they do not look at others as having drama; they just see them as human; flawed, -- or maybe just misplaced in a culture that doesnt yet know what to do with them, or what to make of them.

My last point is this: We should distinguish between real and imaginary needs. I have almost made it sound as though all needs are real, but what I mean is that they are all legitimately grounded in something real. For instance, some family member expects you to attend a family get-together and they attempt to manipulate you, through guilt or whatever, to get you to attend. To them, this may be exceedingly important, and they will suffer and probably resent you for not attending. They have a real issue, but its not the family get-together; its something much deeper than that, and, probably, not something you can ultimately help them with. However, there are people who could be helped, and not just humored, enabled, or placated, by your presence. Maybe a sick child in a hospital bed. Or perhaps there is a place where deep issues are being confronted, where your contribution could make a profound impact for the better. There are always real needs, though they're not always the ones that ring you up and demand your attention. The ones who need us most, generally, don't have the energy or the means to signal us -- we have to seek them out, or be signalled by someone on their behalf. One way to justify blocking out the static of people who don't really need you (or, I should say, people who you are unable to help, -- rather than just placate, -- or who are unable to accept your help), is to occupy yourself with people who really do need you. If the cries for help you're hearing are superficial, the answer may be, not to block out all cries for help and retreat into your own bubble, but, to lend an ear to real and actual cries for help. However, this is not for everyone. Like I said, you need to help yourself first, and the first step is often learning to block out the static.

I hope I haven't just stated the obvious.

Peace, love, animals

posted August 21, 2009 09:44 AM         

quote:

---

We should distinguish between real and imaginary needs. I have almost made it sound as though all needs are real, but what I mean is that they are all legitimately grounded in something real.

---

They are all grounded in something real.

Sometimes giving indiscriminately is the only thing one can do to help especially if they are confronted with a new problem that they cannot solve by relying on their experience or knowledge or good sense or whatever. Sometimes one is not armed with the proper tools to help, but one has the compassion and the instinct to do so and one's help is needed now so they do their best.

F.e. You see a man lying in the gutter. He is covered in his own vomit and looks like he is sleeping. Does this man need help?
Maybe. He may be just sleeping off a bad hangover. Or not. Does he need immediate help? That's the question. Do you try to wake him up and see what's wrong with him? Do you call 911? What if you are the only person who can save his life right now?

Another example:
You live with someone who is not very expressive. You may even think they are cold or just even tempered. They seem happy enough wrapped up in their routine - going to work, tending the house, going out with friends occasionally... stable and mature attitude.
Then one day you come home to find that they've tried to kill themselves because they stable and mature attitude is a mask, a shell that you never suspected was there. You thought they were cold, but it has been you all along who was unable to read them.
Did they need your help? Most definitely.
When was that they needed it? Did you notice? They weren't sleeping in the gutter covered in their own vomit after all.

You just never know. Actually I just never know. So I try to help even if it means that somebody will take advantage of me. We are all headed the same way, might as well do something meaningful with my time.

posted August 21, 2009 04:10 PM         

No, you didnt refute any of my points,
but you made very good points of your own.

Let's say that discrimination,
balanced with intuition and
a concerted attempt to listen,
even to the ones who seem alright,
is what it takes to be most useful.
You are very correct in saying that,
while we may not always have a cure,
our attention and intention to help
can be just what the good Lord ordered.

Naturally, we cannot help everyone,
or foresee all the possible pitfalls.
Some people are going to kill themselves,
and maybe in the next life they will learn
how to speak up and ask for the help they need.
Maybe the most we can do is try to be open
to the ones who are crying out.
Too often, clear cries for help are ignored,
or worse, -- ridiculed and disbelieved.
The ones who think they have to hold it all in
can resent the ones who have to let it all out.
But isnt that a clear sign that they are in pain,
when they cannot tolerate the cries of others?
Just riffing here.

posted August 25, 2009 05:02 AM         

At the moment I'm finding that people who claim they do actually don't and they could help themselves very well and stop scapegoating me when they feel me withdrawing because I don't have the energy. I know this sounds terribly negative but that's what I feel is happening and I'm exhausted by it, and also annoyed as I am consistently portrayed as the bad guy. Food for thought. Thank you

posted August 30, 2009 12:45 PM         

I don't mean that as harshly as it sounds. But I just don't have the energy to maintain relationships that require a lot of care. Maybe it goes back to wheels' original mention of self-sufficiency.

Or maybe I'm just a big jerk.

posted August 30, 2009 03:45 PM         

I am always willing to help my friends if they are willing to help themselves and they all are. I guess I surround myself with people now that want to be self-sufficient. I have less patience with people that are otherwise. I have my son to care for.

As for emotionally, I am totally up for being there through friend's hard times. I am not into being there for someone that is always finding something to complain about.

posted August 31, 2009 04:49 PM         

You know Squeaky Wheel Syndrome.

I sort of left my body for a second and tried to mentally travel to check in on all the people I love to see what they are doing at this moment. Wondering are they sad? Are they lonely? Do they wish I would come by/call. *sigh*

Like yesterday...My girlfriend calls me (just to preface, I have a prepaid cell phone, and my friend buys the minutes on it because, he texts me like 900 times a week, and so I am at his mercy as to how much time if any, I have on my cell phone. Nuther words, I use it wisely) So she apparently, called me, and I missed the call. I was out eating breakfast and didn't have it on ring, just vibrate. Then she texted me a text that looked like this..

??????????? WTF???

which I missed as well.
The second text following said, "call me ASAP!!!"

So I see all three things at once when I opened my phone. The missed call, the first text, and then the second one.
Me, Miss Drama naturally assumes someone else has died or is in the hospital, and I call her immediately upon seeing the messages.

She answered, and I said,

"OMG, whats wrong!"

She said, "HUH?"

"You called me, then texted me twice saying to call you asap, so I'm calling you asap, what is the matter, are you okay? Is Sam okay? What happened?

She said, "oh, no everything is fine. It was just that my toilet overflowed and I know that you know alot of people and I was wondering if you knew someone that has a steam cleaner I could borrow."

And people wonder why I have high blood pressure, sheesh.
I mean, this is a very intelligent woman who knows darn well that she can go down to Walmart and rent one for a day. Not to mention we know, basically, the same people since we have been friends since 9th grade.

We ended up talking for an hour. And when we talk, we really talk, no small talk crap.