posted February 11, 2010 08:52 PM         

I'm in a state of impatience.. in a sense, because I'd love to know it all. I have plans lol (my cap side.. I plan a lot) and I'd like to see whether they work out.

There are several things I want to do in my life (I'm highly cardinal).. and I'd be lying if I said I felt "fulfilled" if I died tomorrow. But I think anyone would feel that way at my age.
I feel happy with where I am at.. but there are many places I still want to see and things I want to do etc

It's nice reading everyone's stories. Thank You! and great thread idea

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katatonic,

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tho i miss the abounding energy of those earlier years

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posted February 11, 2010 09:06 PM         

Great replies everyone!

posted February 11, 2010 09:51 PM         

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Enjoy your youth and health!
Do not take it for granted.

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That's very true! - I feel horrible when I see others, sometimes young people as well, with serious health problems. I had some problems last year - usually I'm very healthy and this drove me insane for a while. I feel like a different person as a result, in a positive sense. I'm definitely a lot more appreciative of what I have.

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I was only 10 years older than you when my world of fitness was destroyed in a moment, effectively screwing up what folks call the 30 something prime years.

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posted February 11, 2010 10:48 PM         

emergenc is a favourite drink. i also eat a lot of raw foods...but i do not bow to the nutritionists either. i love my coffee, and chocolate too, but have to admit that i eat less and less rubbish as the years go by! seems to be good for me!

posted February 11, 2010 11:38 PM         

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Lexx - You're a strong person (you must have a psychology of steel) because you didn't let it get you down and you kept going and you still keep going - and that is inspirational!

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Karmic reasons for suffering?

~SUFFERING~

No I do not believe it is always related to what one gives or causes suffering wise; but perhaps more to "what does not give". And that means even to one's self. Or maybe even a little "sh!t just happens".

I lived hard and fast and fully before becoming disabled. I have packed perhaps 3 lifetimes into this one to date.
Born a natural psychic/medium/trancer etc., I did not try to improve on those natural abilities, nor actively use them for specific purposes.
I still helped folks and endeavored to show compassion and all. But I was first and foremost interested in material acquisitions, and physical strength, agility, and prowess, being I had not had much of those things.
At my physical peak, I could lift massive weights, have trophies for it too. I even to my horror broke another person's arm in a professional arm wrestling match. That was my last match, by my choice.
I was fit and strong with muscles that obeyed my every command. I could do flips and back flips and put both feet behind my neck. Much more. I was buff and very strong and flexible. No yoga position was beyond me.
But I was neglecting my spiritual/psychic self, going on with only my natural born skills and knowledge.
But something was missing.
I was not happy.
I wanted more time to devote to the spiritual/psychic aspects of my being.
I wanted to understand humanity in all its diversity.
I wanted to be all I could be spiritually and so forth.
I made a serious pact with God.
I heard these words..."It will be the hardest thing you have ever done. You could die. Are you ready?"
Oh cocky me!
I said Yes.
Three days later I went from athletic, energetic, physically fit.....stronger than most men!...to suddenly sometimes bedridden and wearing diapers with episodes of paralysis and black blindness. I had just left my husband number 1 a few weeks before.
I was living in a trailer with a hole 10 feet by 5 inches near one wall at the ceiling. I had no heat or electricity. I had a mattress on the floor. No fridge or much of anything. (February in Ohio, very cold, sub zero temperatures)Suddenly all I had was my psychic/spiritual world to keep me sane. It was February and very cold. I lived by kerosene lanterns and bundled up breathing into my sleeping bag to stay warm, covering it all in sheets of plastic. Then my toilet died.(fortunately it was late Spring by then) It took me five weeks to dig a new line for the septic tank whilst laying on the ground digging and resting and even sleeping on the ground(too much effort to get up so I slept there) as I slowly dug with a little trowel that trench for a new pipe. Something that in my fit days would have taken only an hour or so took then about 5 weeks on and off.
It is strange the meditations one enters during such times, face in the dirt, arm dangling into a trench, utterly broken and exhausted.
Often having to crawl back inside at night as I could not walk.
The insights into many things accelerated. Later on with therapy I improved a little physically but was still disabled. I would go to the grocery store after hours and a bar, to dumpster dig. One evening I met another dumpster diver. We divvied up the vegetables and other salvageable eats.
She had been a physicist who had had a breakdown and a stroke. Soon the bar owner and grocer began leaving us stuff in boxes and crates that was not just salvage but honest real non garbage eats. I am still poor but much better off now. I buy people in need a meal when I encounter them in my times I can get out and about.
I cannot save them but I can listen and try to alleviate their suffering even for a moment. I have been suicidal. I can now understand that deep abysmal feeling too. I know what it is like to have much and lose it. Including one's health.
But the treasures I have discovered since are the most valuable of all things. More value than what I perceived as valuable and ultra important before becoming disabled.
So what I am saying is that suffering is not always about having made others to suffer. It may be one has neglected their spiritual life and not helped alleviate suffering in others enough. It also may be a conscious pact made with God to facilitate learning and spiritual growth and a wider understanding of the diversities of the human condition.
And to discover the real me.
I do not feel cursed or punished, but blessed.
Sure I want my fit body back again.
Who knows? Perhaps in time I will.
But I know my priorities now. I treasure life and the little things, the simple pleasures as never before.
Just waking up and being able to walk and see is an exquisite joy.
I take nothing for granted any longer.

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PS.
I know a few folks were disappointed in my having a breakdown last Spring, which is only of late finally letting up. Well things got worse in too many areas of my world and well, I just folded.
Thanks to Zala and a few others, I have survived the madness and myriad agonies and abysmal pits of 2009.

posted February 12, 2010 04:45 PM         

And, I can so relate, parts of that, I could of written myself.
Suicide has been a part of my awareness since I was a small child. Something in me knew that it was not normal for a 6 year old to take care of drug/drink adled adults and the children younger then me.
I remember when my Grandma made me a crawl space in the house, with a lock on the inside to hide in, when things got too bad in the home.
The police knew my family well, they were there a few times per week.
Heroin in the 70's was no picnic for a child of ones abusing it.

Even so, I excelled in my private school. The nuns there told my grandma that I was gifted in art and writing.
I was a gymnast for 11 years, a VERY good gymnast, I also have many trophies. Plus, I was a figure skater, and I studied ballet.

I see now, that I did all these things to fill my time and my mind with something besides the horror that was home life.

After I had my third child, I was laying in bed, just waking up, when I realized, that I could not move any part of my body! Here the baby lie in her bed wailing and I could not move!
Well, I did this worm wiggle thing, I'm sure you are familiar with Lexx, it takes much concentration, and total will, but I got the cordless phone with my teeth, and dialed my husband's work number with my chin. Took a few tries, but I did it.

Since then it's been nothing but specialists, medications that don't work, or work for awhile. Tests, and more tests. If I have to explain my medical history once more, I think I might lose my mind, or what is left of it.
I was put on 9 pills of steroids a day, by what I can only describe as an insane rhuematologist, which made me gain ALOT of weight. And grow facial hair. It was then I saw the look of disgust in my husbands eye, and it was then he had an affair with my best friend.
I guess an overweight, seizure ridden, moody woman wasn't his taste? I don't know, all I remembered was the better/worse thing that was a crock.

posted February 12, 2010 06:32 PM         

And, Lexx, I believe you may be right, we probably share quite a few similarities, other then living in the same state. Seems as though I 'recognized' you very early on coming to LL.

posted February 12, 2010 07:32 PM         

I remember a couple of years back when I was volunteering at a centre for disabled kids.. Sometimes life disgusts me to the point of gagging. Other times I have to smile at the beauty I see. It seems so meaningless and senseless that anyone would go through stuff like this. I'm not sure there's a rhyme or reason. I used to think there was.. but, time changes things.. My views have changed a lot.

I hope that somehow as suddenly as these problems began for you both - I hope they will dissolve one day just as suddenly and miraculously. I believe that's possible!! And I'm very happy you are both here posting on LL - I enjoy reading both of your posts. More often than not, I'm in Astrology but I've ventured into Lexi Magic and I'm very impressed by your insights LEXX! And I've also had a chat to Gypsee a couple of times - you have a beautiful family! You're both caring, beautiful people.. Thank you for being here!

posted February 12, 2010 08:13 PM         

But it was destroyed when brutal soldiers came, drafting them and other villages into collective farms. The evil of what was done to them was so barbaric and their village had been laid to waste, pets killed, livestock taken, etc, that there was no point in going back even if no one came after them. I won't say all that she told me as it was so utterly barbaric.

But she and some of her extended family escaped. She shared more harrowing tales as they made it to Europe and then the USA. She eventually married another Russian expat and moved to the West Coast.

Despite her tragic, movie-worthy childhood, she had compassion for others, and was very kind to me. She was one of the few who knew I was a runaway, but what I endured (even if she knew it all, which she didn't) was minor compared to her, yet she was very compassionate to everyone. I found her very inspirational. And yeah, it was fascinating hearing her life story.

Granny's is really interesting, and I like hearing of family from before her. Oh, yes, at a town that CELEBRATED Bonnie & Clyde, there were very old people (I mean one of them using an O2 tank to breathe with, though he was outside) who all told a very different story of Bonnie & Clyde than the official historical account is, making them sound more like Robin Hoods than ruthless killers on a crime spree.

Reading some other posts it occurs to me that I probably got into reading so much because it was a means of escape. I had very dysfunctional alcoholic parents, though at least Dad was able to keep a job. I recall once Mom saying all she did at home and Dad correcting her that she had ME take care of the home for her, and then sarcastically say how tiring it must be to give me orders. Mom looked at me then with such venom and I didn't even understand why she was mad at me.

I didn't watch much TV at least in part because that usually meant I had to be with one or both 'rents. So when at home, I read. And I'm still a big reader today. That's a positive, IMO.

Another positive was after being smacked across the room for trying to get my 'rents who were sleeping it off to make me something to eat (I was probably 5, but may have even been 4 when that happened), which was bad, but next time I figured out how to make my own breakfast, getting pretty creative. And as I did a glowing feeling of doing it myself came over me, and wanting to do it myself, and it has stayed with me, making me independent and confident in taking care of myself, which explains many of the decisions in my life (like my leaving home at 16 for example). So there was good to pull from the bad.

posted February 12, 2010 08:16 PM         

GypseeWind

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Lexx, you are ALWAYS eloquent with words!! That, my dear, is the LEAST of your problems! lol.

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Actually I do not do chats because my one fingered typing is atrocious, slow, and I cannot keep up, and make so many errors it is futile effort to do chats. I have to edit more than once usually when posting.

posted February 12, 2010 08:26 PM         

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One last note, I've learned A LOT about humanity by watching the different generations. They are so much more alike than many people realize, once you scratch beneath their surfaces, from the 7-year-old to the 70-year-old (though again the caveat I often give that aging is mandatory, maturity & wisdom is optional).

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posted February 14, 2010 09:39 PM         

I lost a bunch more starting in summer. I find that I must will myself to eat. When I do, it doesnt want to go down, I gag.
I did have surgery on my asophagus many years ago, and maybe something is up there, I don't know.

More then likely, it's just my emotions. I find situations difficult to "swallow" these days.

I'm going to a new Rheumy on Feb. 25th, wish me luck!! I've been to almost all of them in the area, I know it sounds like I'M the difficult one, but I swear, specialists can be such A holes!! It's like they have their mind made up about you BEFORE they walk in the room, and won't listen to anything after the first sentence that comes out of your mouth. GRRR.

And thank you for the compliment, my kids are so special to me, but I guess all Moms think that huh? (well, the normal ones anyway)

I've been to your page as well, I like the things you wrote, I was thinking, "yeah, go Lexx! Tell 'em what you think!"

posted February 14, 2010 11:17 PM         

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I was overweight when put on those steroids. They made me gain something like 40 pounds, which is a large amount for someone who is 5 feet tall.

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I find that I must will myself to eat. When I do, it doesnt want to go down, I gag.
I did have surgery on my asophagus many years ago, and maybe something is up there, I don't know.

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More then likely, it's just my emotions. I find situations difficult to "swallow" these days.

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I'm going to a new Rheumy on Feb. 25th, wish me luck!!

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I've been to almost all of them in the area, I know it sounds like I'M the difficult one, but I swear, specialists can be such A holes!! It's like they have their mind made up about you BEFORE they walk in the room, and won't listen to anything after the first sentence that comes out of your mouth. GRRR.

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And thank you for the compliment, my kids are so special to me, but I guess all Moms think that huh? (well, the normal ones anyway)

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I've been to your page as well, I like the things you wrote, I was thinking, "yeah, go Lexx! Tell 'em what you think!"

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Love cats, btw. (wink)

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posted February 20, 2010 08:19 PM         

You are sweet!! Yes, I don't necessarily look my age. I thank my mom's genes!!

In fact, I was carded a couple months ago. That's always nice.

It's the little things I am noticing that bug me. I doubt most other people notice them yet. Like the faint line that has appeared on my neck. The faint crinkled skin that sticks around a little too long in the morning and takes longer to even out. The light spot here and there. And because I am VERY pale - the bright cherry red dots that have appeared out of nowhere!

Most people probably don't notice or think I've always had these things!

I notice O_0