posted March 21, 2010 09:25 AM
The Onion is an American news satire organization. It features satirical articles reporting on international, national, and local news as well as an entertainment newspaper and website known as The A.V. Club
03.09.10 | ISSUE 46•10
# Aries You will give birth to a beautiful, bouncing baby girl this week, moments after going into labor inside that giant inflatable castle.
# Taurus Fear and Jealousy will soon tear you apart, which is rather unfortunate, as Fear and Jealousy are the two pitbulls that live next door.
# Gemini Use the watering can of good intentions to nurture the fig tree of expectations. There, enjoy figuring that one out, you jerks.
# Cancer Your life will soon be divided into Pre-Angering-Of-The-Ants and Post-Angering-Of-The-Ants eras.
# Leo Don't let anybody tell you what you can or cannot do. That's for you, three to five of your ribs, and most of the hearing in your left ear, to decide.
# Virgo The stars indicate that you've been looking really great lately. Also, the stars indicate that they could really use your help moving next weekend.
# Libra You claim that nobody understand you, but then, the strange white men in lab coats are doing the best they can.
# Scorpio It's never really been about race, or religion, or even politics for you, which is great, since "it," in this case, refers to eating a meatball sub.
# Sagittarius You can try dancing around the issue all you want, but in the end, you still don't know what to do with your arms while on the dance floor.
# Capricorn Advances in science will soon allow man to travel to the most distant corners of the universe. Still no word, however, on it being able to get you off that couch.
# Aquarius If someone had told you 30 years ago that you'd end up an insurance salesman, you probably would have laughed. Then again, you would've been 6-months-old at the time.
# Pisces Romance is in the air for Pisces this week, as well as on the bed-sheets, the nearby curtains, and in a growing puddle on the floor