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Author Topic:   Scholarship Essay Help
MiaMammy08
Knowflake

Posts: 114
From: Maryland, USA
Registered: Apr 2009

posted December 16, 2010 05:07 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for MiaMammy08     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Any help is appreciated.
* 400-500 words
* use proper grammar and spelling
* address all the questions

1. why did you choose to pursue your education in your major (program of study)
2. What are your long-term personal and professional goals as well as the qualities and characteristics you possess to reach these goals?
3. What personal and professional accomplishments and experiences have had the greatest impact in developing your goals and aspirations?
4. How will this scholarship and attending our school help you reach your goals?

*Essay*
Everyone has a dream, thatís destined for greatness. All my life there has been this desire inside me to give more, be more. Iíve always wanted to make a difference in the world by helping others. I feel that becoming a nurse will give me the opportunity to give to others in a way in which I can help and heal them. I want to pursue the phlebotomy certificate program at the Graduate School because I feel that it will help me get one step closer to becoming a nurse and it will allow me the chance to build my experience in the healthcare field while I pursue a nursing degree.

I cannot remember a time in my life in which I was not fascinated with people and body mechanics. When I had first found the Discovery Health Channel on TV, I fell in love with nursing. I saw the roles of the staff and how they all work together to help make life for patients easier and I knew I wanted to become a nurse and own my own womenís clinic.

As a phlebotomy technician, I will develop medical skills in laboratory testing so I can help mankind through providing research and aid, in the medical quest to find cures for todayís deadly infectious diseases that plague our community. On a more personal note, my great-grandmother died of cancer several years ago. I remember feeling helpless, as I watched her suffer and wanted to help. If I could become a phlebotomy technician, I would be able to help my patients and save lives.

In addition to my regular academic work at the College of Southern Maryland, I have also completed a Certified Nursing Assistant Certificate (CNA) and Geriatric Nursing Assistant Certificate (GNA). Utilizing my nursing certification, I obtained employment in a nursing facility which allowed me to express my skills of dedication and compassion through diligence. My job as a GNA was a very beneficial experience for me because it allowed me to see all the work involved in nursing and managing a nursing center. I learned teamwork on the job and I saw how important teamwork is for running a nursing center free of problems.

I know that I have sets goals that require focus and determination. With the recent economic struggles facing our nation today, which has affected my family, obtaining a good quality education has become even more of a financial burden. The scholarship program at the Graduate School will help alleviate some of the financial costs associated with pursing my college education. Together with the help of the Graduate School and their scholarship program, I will achieve certification as a phlebotomist, thus, making my dream of becoming a nurse a reality.

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Yes i'm a Capricorn with an Aries moon and Taurus rising. oh yea...

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Randall
Webmaster

Posts: 5142
From: The Goober Galaxy
Registered: Apr 2009

posted December 17, 2010 09:48 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I see some grammar errors. When is it due?

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"Everything I eat has been proved by some doctor or other to be a deadly poison, and everything I don't eat has been proved to be indispensable for life. But I go marching on."--George Bernard Shaw

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MiaMammy08
Knowflake

Posts: 114
From: Maryland, USA
Registered: Apr 2009

posted December 20, 2010 02:15 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for MiaMammy08     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
It's due by friday. Thanks for the help.

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Yes i'm a Capricorn with an Aries moon and Taurus rising. oh yea...

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bunnies
Knowflake

Posts: 344
From: u.k
Registered: Apr 2009

posted December 20, 2010 09:19 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for bunnies     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I'd throw in a little something about realising how much work is involved {so that they don't think you are too idealistic and would fall at the first obstacle when the reality hit)and that you know it is a difficult undertaking but that you are prepared and ready to meet the challenges that may come in the focused pursuit of your lifelong ambition.
Good luck!!

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bunnies
Knowflake

Posts: 344
From: u.k
Registered: Apr 2009

posted December 20, 2010 09:21 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for bunnies     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Just to pad out the end bit so that they you know what a single minded tough cookie they are dealing with!

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Randall
Webmaster

Posts: 5142
From: The Goober Galaxy
Registered: Apr 2009

posted December 20, 2010 02:09 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Your first sentence is incorrect. Either expand it or shorten it. Maybe start off with "Everyone has a dream." The second sentence would be better to say "and to be more" or "--to be more." The last sentence in the first paragraph is a compound sentence, so it needs a comma before the word "and." The same goes for the last sentence in the second paragraph. You need a comma after "testing" in the first sentence of the third paragraph. In the next paragraph, you need a comma after "facility." You also need one before "because." The last sentence in that paragraph is another compound sentence, so you need a comma before "and." The next paragraph has a typo; it should be pursuing, not pursing. That's it! You can thank my Virgo ASC.

quote:
Originally posted by MiaMammy08:
Everyone has a dream, thatís destined for greatness. All my life there has been this desire inside me to give more, be more. Iíve always wanted to make a difference in the world by helping others. I feel that becoming a nurse will give me the opportunity to give to others in a way in which I can help and heal them. I want to pursue the phlebotomy certificate program at the Graduate School because I feel that it will help me get one step closer to becoming a nurse and it will allow me the chance to build my experience in the healthcare field while I pursue a nursing degree.

I cannot remember a time in my life in which I was not fascinated with people and body mechanics. When I had first found the Discovery Health Channel on TV, I fell in love with nursing. I saw the roles of the staff and how they all work together to help make life for patients easier and I knew I wanted to become a nurse and own my own womenís clinic.

As a phlebotomy technician, I will develop medical skills in laboratory testing so I can help mankind through providing research and aid, in the medical quest to find cures for todayís deadly infectious diseases that plague our community. On a more personal note, my great-grandmother died of cancer several years ago. I remember feeling helpless, as I watched her suffer and wanted to help. If I could become a phlebotomy technician, I would be able to help my patients and save lives.

In addition to my regular academic work at the College of Southern Maryland, I have also completed a Certified Nursing Assistant Certificate (CNA) and Geriatric Nursing Assistant Certificate (GNA). Utilizing my nursing certification, I obtained employment in a nursing facility which allowed me to express my skills of dedication and compassion through diligence. My job as a GNA was a very beneficial experience for me because it allowed me to see all the work involved in nursing and managing a nursing center. I learned teamwork on the job and I saw how important teamwork is for running a nursing center free of problems.

I know that I have sets goals that require focus and determination. With the recent economic struggles facing our nation today, which has affected my family, obtaining a good quality education has become even more of a financial burden. The scholarship program at the Graduate School will help alleviate some of the financial costs associated with pursing my college education. Together with the help of the Graduate School and their scholarship program, I will achieve certification as a phlebotomist, thus, making my dream of becoming a nurse a reality.


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"The stars which shone over Babylon and the stable in Bethlehem still shine as brightly over the Empire State Building and your front yard today. They perform their cycles with the same mathematical precision, and they will continue to affect each thing on earth, including man, as long as the earth exists." Linda Goodman

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pisces moon
Knowflake

Posts: 42
From:
Registered: Aug 2010

posted December 20, 2010 11:55 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for pisces moon     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by MiaMammy08:
Any help is appreciated.
* 400-500 words
* use proper grammar and spelling
* address all the questions

1. why did you choose to pursue your education in your major (program of study)
2. What are your long-term personal and professional goals as well as the qualities and characteristics you possess to reach these goals?
3. What personal and professional accomplishments and experiences have had the greatest impact in developing your goals and aspirations?
4. How will this scholarship and attending our school help you reach your goals?

*Essay*
Everyone has a dream, thatís destined for greatness. All my life there has been this desire inside me to give more, be more. Iíve always wanted to make a difference in the world by helping others. I feel that becoming a nurse will give me the opportunity to give to others in a way in which I can help and heal them. I want to pursue the phlebotomy certificate program at the Graduate School because I feel that it will help me get one step closer to becoming a nurse and it will allow me the chance to build my experience in the healthcare field while I pursue a nursing degree.

I cannot remember a time in my life in which I was not fascinated with people and body mechanics. When I had first found the Discovery Health Channel on TV, I fell in love with nursing. I saw the roles of the staff and how they all work together to help make life for patients easier and I knew I wanted to become a nurse and own my own womenís clinic.

As a phlebotomy technician, I will develop medical skills in laboratory testing so I can help mankind through providing research and aid, in the medical quest to find cures for todayís deadly infectious diseases that plague our community. On a more personal note, my great-grandmother died of cancer several years ago. I remember feeling helpless, as I watched her suffer and wanted to help. If I could become a phlebotomy technician, I would be able to help my patients and save lives.

In addition to my regular academic work at the College of Southern Maryland, I have also completed a Certified Nursing Assistant Certificate (CNA) and Geriatric Nursing Assistant Certificate (GNA). Utilizing my nursing certification, I obtained employment in a nursing facility which allowed me to express my skills of dedication and compassion through diligence. My job as a GNA was a very beneficial experience for me because it allowed me to see all the work involved in nursing and managing a nursing center. I learned teamwork on the job and I saw how important teamwork is for running a nursing center free of problems.

I know that I have sets goals that require focus and determination. With the recent economic struggles facing our nation today, which has affected my family, obtaining a good quality education has become even more of a financial burden. The scholarship program at the Graduate School will help alleviate some of the financial costs associated with pursing my college education. Together with the help of the Graduate School and their scholarship program, I will achieve certification as a phlebotomist, thus, making my dream of becoming a nurse a reality.


Hi MiaMammy,
I hope you don't mind but I took the liberty of editing this piece mostly as an example. It still needs to be modified and given a bit more punch but you can use it if you like. You'll have to add about 157 words to it.

The first thing I did, I took out what are called weak words. Things like I feel, I know this is...but oh, the ecomony sucks. I need a better job. When you're writing a piece to convince you have to come across as stronng and confident. You have to let them know you deserve what you're asking for. Not a time to be humble.

The other thing I did was I moved things around and took out/fixed the clunky sentences to give the essay a nice flow. And to make it more comprehensive.

That said, I kept a lot of what you wrote I just played with it a bit. Again, hope you don't mind, just trying to help you out.

All my life Iíve had a desire to make a difference in the world. I want to help people, to be a part of their healing. The certificates I hold as a Certified Nursing Assistant (CNA) and Geriatric Nursing Assistant (GNA) reflects my dedication to people.

The Phlebotomy Certificate Program at the Graduate School will build upon my experience in the healthcare field. As a phlebotomy technician, I will develop medical skills in laboratory testing and research. I will be aiding in the quest to find cures for disease. This is very important to me because my great-grandmother died of cancer. I watched her suffer and we were both so helpless. I want to be helpful, I want to save people from the suffering my great- grandmother went through.

My ultimate goal is to be a Nurse Practioner (? Specify) and open my own womenís clinic. My experience as a Geriatic Nursing Assistant was most beneficial because it allowed me to work closely with patients and on a more practical note I got to see first hand what it takes to operate a nursing center well.

I am focused, determined and passionate about my goals and every step I take toward attainment makes me more focused, determined and passionate. Receiving a scholarship from the Graduate School will allow me to get a quality education in Phlebotomy and bring me that much closer to obtaining my Nurse Practionerís degree and opening my own clinic.

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MiaMammy08
Knowflake

Posts: 114
From: Maryland, USA
Registered: Apr 2009

posted December 23, 2010 11:26 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for MiaMammy08     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Thank you everyone! I really appreciate the help. I just wanted to get on here and say thanks before I turn in to sleep. I plan on fixing it up when I wake up. Thanks again everyone.

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Yes i'm a Capricorn with an Aries moon and Taurus rising. oh yea...

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Randall
Webmaster

Posts: 5142
From: The Goober Galaxy
Registered: Apr 2009

posted December 26, 2010 06:51 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Let us know if you got admitted.

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"The stars which shone over Babylon and the stable in Bethlehem still shine as brightly over the Empire State Building and your front yard today. They perform their cycles with the same mathematical precision, and they will continue to affect each thing on earth, including man, as long as the earth exists." Linda Goodman

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Randall
Webmaster

Posts: 5142
From: The Goober Galaxy
Registered: Apr 2009

posted December 30, 2010 08:27 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
How did it go?

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"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." Charles Schultz

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MiaMammy08
Knowflake

Posts: 114
From: Maryland, USA
Registered: Apr 2009

posted January 05, 2011 12:56 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for MiaMammy08     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I haven't received a reply from them yet but I am hopeful.

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Yes i'm a Capricorn with an Aries moon and Taurus rising. oh yea...

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Randall
Webmaster

Posts: 5142
From: The Goober Galaxy
Registered: Apr 2009

posted January 06, 2011 09:46 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote

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charmainec
Moderator

Posts: 1691
From: on the other side of the rainbow
Registered: Apr 2009

posted January 07, 2011 09:13 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for charmainec     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
*crosses fingers

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coconutcancermoon
Moderator

Posts: 391
From: A Place of Pure Love
Registered: Nov 2010

posted January 07, 2011 11:50 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for coconutcancermoon     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
You guys are good

Blessings, MamaMia!

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Randall
Webmaster

Posts: 5142
From: The Goober Galaxy
Registered: Apr 2009

posted January 12, 2011 11:33 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote

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MiaMammy08
Knowflake

Posts: 114
From: Maryland, USA
Registered: Apr 2009

posted January 30, 2011 07:22 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for MiaMammy08     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Thanks for all your help everyone! I got the scholarship! I was sooooo excited but at the same time I wasn't because I had a feeling that I would get it. I just knew I was going to be going to their school for phlebotomy. I am so thankful!

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Yes i'm a Capricorn with an Aries moon and Taurus rising. oh yea...

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coconutcancermoon
Moderator

Posts: 391
From: A Place of Pure Love
Registered: Nov 2010

posted January 30, 2011 09:02 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for coconutcancermoon     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote

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