Posts: 186
From:
Registered: Jun 2011

posted October 16, 2011 03:19 PM            

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Maybe it's the Gemini Venus in me, but I was thinking about growing old... like to your late 80s or 90s, and I really don't want to do it. I know it sounds ridiculous to not want to live as long as you can and be thankful for those days... but just thinking of the possibility of not being able to take care of myself (adult diaper?!) or seeing most of my lifelong friends and husband pass away makes me SO UPSET. I'd rather pass away around 70 or so. I want to have been retired for a bit and have enjoyed the same freedom to travel and enjoy life like I did when I was in my 20s, seen my grandkids grow up, and accomplished all my life dreams. Then I can pass on happily.

On the other hand, on both sides of my family, my grandparents and great grandparents and their parents before them all lived until their late 90s. My father's mother is 83 and she's still travels the world and is very active. She's a tough broad, too; she's had pancreatic cancer TWICE and survived both times... obviously because she's still alive and kickin' like she's still 25, with the exception of diabetes and needing to pee all the time, haha. I love her so much. I aspire to be just like her, and if I become her age to be just as lucky in health, family, and fortune.

I might as well reconcile with the idea of being super old. I have Taurus Jupiter in the 8th. 8th house ruler is Venus, which is in the 9th house. Not so sure how that factors in... But my gut tells me that I'm going to live a VERY long time... well until I need someone to wipe my butt for me and spoon feed me mush.

What do you guys think? Am I being weird or stupid? I feel like I shouldn't be thinking this way.

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From: Love Street, she lingers long on Love Street..
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posted October 17, 2011 01:31 AM            

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Not stupid at all.
I don't want to be old either!
I don't want to have to see any MORE people I love die, although I know it's inevitable.
And, I cringe at the thought of being a burden or having anyone have to take care of me.
My Sag parts freak out at the restriction of freedom. Blechh.

Luckily, my family members do not live long.
My grandma died at 79, and she was the oldest one we've had so far.

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Posts: 2791
From: Avendesora
Registered: May 2009

posted October 30, 2011 10:48 AM            

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I definitely get what you mean, fellow Gem Venus. But for me, its not about the age, but more the quality of life. Meaning, I only would want to live to be 90+ if it means I'm still an active little spry...LOL. I wouldn't want to live that long if it meant I'm completely out of my mind and incontinent in some Nursing Home. What's the sense in that?

I have Moon in Virgo in the 8th and quite a few centurians in my family (on both sides), so who knows.....

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Posts: 1099
From: New England
Registered: Sep 2011

posted October 30, 2011 11:26 AM            

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"And in the end it is not the years in your life that count, it's the life in your years." Abe Lincoln

If you take care of yourself, live life with joy and happiness, spread love, live for others, making everyday worth living. By the time you reach your middle age years, you'll see just how valuable life is and you'll want to extend that experience as long as you can. Getting old is apart of existence, it's nothing to fear. Change happens, live it, become it, sing and dance to it. Make change your anthem and live each day as it comes. You can't stop the future from coming, why not focus on the present and make the most out of your life.

(Sun and Mercury in Libra and Pluto in Scorpio in the 8th house)

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From: Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat.......& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Apr 2009

posted October 30, 2011 01:08 PM            

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I was born with birth defects;
1. heart,(they did not expect me to live past age 8)
I was not able to run a play like normal kids.
2. A rare form of club feet requiring feet and legs to be braced, for years, 24/7 and even for bed.
3. Hunchbacked.
4. instersex condition.
5. abnormal bone structures in feet.
I slowly over came/learned to deal with those things.
Other childhood/teen ills:
6. TB, reconstructed elbow, several head trauma episodes, very ill on and off.
7. I have a form of Narcalepsy.
8. I was also legally blind without my glasses;
approximately 20/3,800 instead of normal 20/20.
As an adult,
I am still afflicted with or affected by the above things;
on top of having been in a pedestrian accident and
was also in an industrial accident,
and at the young age of 33
went from being a power lifter able to squat lift with 600 pounds on my shoulders repeatedly, curl 120 pounds with each arm, and clean and jerk lift 325 pounds repeatedly.....to yes,
went from fit to
suddenly being a person wearing ADULT DIAPERS, experiencing partially paralyzed episodes, with loss of bladder and bowel control as I could not feel those body parts, facial palsy with drooping and slurred speech and drooling, brain damage affecting many things neurologically,
Blindness episodes, excruciating episodes of torsion spasms in every muscle of body, internally too.
One leg has no feeling in thigh on one side.
Nerve, bone, muscle tendon scarring, severe Osteoarthritis(bone spurs and spikes on ribs, spine, etc.; pressing on nerve fibers...much pain and blindness episodes, never knowing from hour to hour if I will be OK a bit or bed bound.
And yes, cannot always take care of myself in very personal ways.
And yes,
I often feel I am a burden.
This is my life.....living literally from moment to moment, taking it hour by hour, and
trying to do what I can in the better moments and try to not go mad during the bad ones.
I have long history to date of mini-strokes
and some possibly not so mini as they lasted more than 24 hours.
Toss in my over 26+ lost pregnancies, some late ones after movement felt and observed on ultrasound, and a host of other injuries,
both feet, both hands, nearly all bones broken in all.
And of course many more issues I have not mentioned here.
Point being;
except for a few brief years;
on and off throughout my life to date;
I have not had what anyone would consider a quality of living good life.
I am poor, I have and still suffer much hardships.
However......
should I give up?
Oh I have thought of doing so;
but then;
a small thing;
a smile;
a cat's purr,
a perfect sunset,
and I am like......
I am not done yet.
Sure;
my life mostly sucks.........
always has.........
but I was wearing those adult diapers, and defective long before becoming old.
I walk with a cane since age 33.
Over 24 years, soon to be a 1/4 century of being in far worse condition than many elderly folks;
my being disabled longer than some here have been alive.
I will be age 57 on November 3rd.
My family either dies young (under age 35 or so)
or very old,
with over 100 years old being not uncommon.
I have never lacked for men interested in me
even at my worse times.
Getting all hung up on one's quality of life
due to one's physical condition,
will prevent one from savoring the good, albeit often brief, moments.
Look at Stephen Hawkings!
What an amazing man!
Look at Helen Keller!
Look at so many folks, even worse off than myself,
and yes,
life is still worth living!
Oh sure;
there will be very unpleasant times.
And sorrow too.
To life and grabbing every erg of joy one can from living it despite aging, pain, sorrows.
Rant over.

PS.
I often feel I live under that ancient Chinese curse LOL!
"May you live in interesting times"
On that note:
"Live long and prosper!"

------------------
~I remember, therefore I am immortal~LEXX
~The present time is theirs, but the future is mine.~Никола Тесла
}><}}('>~

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posted October 30, 2011 01:31 PM            

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------------------
~I remember, therefore I am immortal~LEXX
~The present time is theirs, but the future is mine.~Никола Тесла
}><}}('>~

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From: Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat.......& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
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posted October 30, 2011 01:31 PM            

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My long passed dear friend at age 69 had a 19 year old lover.
The only reason that love affair ended is because he died at age 24, when she was 74.
And she had been completely wheelchair bound since age 14 from Polio.
She lived her life on her own;
despite being disabled for 70 years at time of her demise.
When I think of giving up;
I think of her!

------------------
~I remember, therefore I am immortal~LEXX
~The present time is theirs, but the future is mine.~Никола Тесла
}><}}('>~

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Posts: 2640
From: nevada
Registered: Apr 2009

posted October 30, 2011 01:55 PM            

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wow lexx, that's too bad
at least your little girl (age 3?)pictures
didn't show any signs of either club feet or hunchback
(maybe you had on your brace/s?)

purr, with medicine now, our quality of life is improving.

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From: Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat.......& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
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posted October 30, 2011 02:08 PM            

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quote:

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Originally posted by lalalinda:
wow lexx, that's too bad
at least your little girl (age 3?)pictures
didn't show any signs of either club feet or hunchback
(maybe you had on your brace/s?)

purr, with medicine now, our quality of life is improving.

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Staged posed pictures.
Folks were careful to do that.
And braces came off for pictures.
Then right back on after.
One foot is displaying a bit of the turn outward in pic.
The shoes were not mine, but were used to try and squeeze my feet to try and appear normal, but as you see, my ankles and feet look squashed into them, which they were.
I remembered being told to stand very still so the pose would hold for pic.
My hair also hid/hides the hunchback hump.
If you look carefully at my neck,
you can see it looks oddly thick/wide for a child.
Part of hump shows in pic's right side on neck.
And feet too, even though braces were helping,
do not look entirely right,
and were the reverse type with feet turned upwards on outer sides rather than in inwards as common clubfoot.
My son had same as did a few others in my family.
I still walk on inside side of feet too much.
Wears my shoes out weird.
If
I were a few inches shorter I would be considered a dwarf by some criteria, as my limbs are not long enough in proportion to my torso.
My legs are only 24/26 inches long due to very short thigh length..
My upper arms are oddly too short too.
I do not mind.
Broad shoulders even as child and rather barrel chested.

LOL!
I just realized I appear to be giving the
"finger".

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From: Love Street, she lingers long on Love Street..
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posted October 31, 2011 10:59 AM            

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Every time I see a photo of you, Lexx, it startles me, because you look so entirely familiar.

You know, sometimes I wonder, how long we all would live, or at least how long I would live if we didn't have the medicines and such that we do now. Am I the only one who thinks about that sort of thing.?
OK, well, I have an 8th house sun, I'll just blame that.

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From: Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat.......& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
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posted October 31, 2011 12:05 PM            

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GypseeWind
I feel the same about you.
I wonder why?

Ahh yes!
Modern medicines and all.
Folks often knock them and rightly so because
there are too many bad things.
However;
I know I would not be alive if it were not for modern medicine.
There have been several life threatening events in my life to date and some where I nearly died and would have without modern medicines.
That includes being a tiny premmie with heart etc. trouble.
Then later TB, Rheumatic Fever, Scarlet Fever, and other nasty things.
And once I did flatline.
So despite all the modern medicine mistakes;
I am grateful for the things that do work.

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Posts: 103
From:
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posted November 02, 2011 01:54 PM            

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I think I mentioned it in another thread; but I had a "close call" less than a year ago. Do I want to die young? Hell no! However, I don't want to be a burden either.

It seems like I look at things differently now. Not much is taken for granted as before. I just celebrated my 33rd birthday, I hope many more are to come.

I think you made a cute baby, Lexx Don't think of yourself as a burden! I believe in the power of positive thoughts. I think so therefore I am (or something like that)

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posted November 16, 2011 07:03 AM            

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been trying to post but it keeps glitching.....

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From: Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat.......& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Apr 2009

posted November 16, 2011 07:04 AM            

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quote:

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Originally posted by 1-scorp:
I think I mentioned it in another thread; but I had a "close call" less than a year ago. Do I want to die young? Hell no! However, I don't want to be a burden either.

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Glad you got through that!
I can relate to that not wanting to be a burden. Face it, it happens to some and no matter how much love is there, caregiver syndrome sadly often sneaks in.

quote:

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Originally posted by 1-scorp:
It seems like I look at things differently now. Not much is taken for granted as before. I just celebrated my 33rd birthday, I hope many more are to come.

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Yes! One must not take things for granted, at any age.
I was 33 when my active fit life came to a crashing halt. So it is not my age of 57 that
makes it bad, but the disabilities which began when I was young like you.

quote:

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Originally posted by 1-scorp:
I think you made a cute baby, Lexx Don't think of yourself as a burden! I believe in the power of positive thoughts. I think so therefore I am (or something like that)

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Thank you 1-scorp for the compliments and kind words.

continued next post.......(posts seem to be glitching

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posted November 16, 2011 07:50 AM            

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5 posts have vanished......grrs

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From: Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat.......& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
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posted November 16, 2011 07:53 AM            

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OK trying again......
As you mentioned above;
you do not want to become a burden.
I know I can be a burden, but much depends on the others' outlook on my being disabled.
Accept that I will moan, groan, and even cry out in pain and agony at times.
And yes, throw a fit from time to time out of frustration when I have blindness episodes, or spasms and drop things, or my legs or any body part refuses to obey my commands.
It is not an age issue though.
I will do my best not to let other(s) witness all that, but sorry, often I cannot hide it all. I can cope but not when the other person(s) are getting depressed or worse, angry at me for things I have little to no control over.

continued next post.......
{unless these posts vanish again......

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From: Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat.......& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
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posted November 16, 2011 07:54 AM            

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For myself,
the biggest thing I hate about getting old is the inability to bear children.
Or the chance to.:'(
With my history of over 26 lost pregnancies,
I am used to not bearing.
However the one time I succeeded, it was so amazing!
There is no feeling that can compare to feeling new life growing within one's body.
The turns and kicks and psi connection.....
that first meeting once born......
priceless!
So yes, that is my main sorrow in getting old,
that no more chance at experiencing such again.:'(

------------------

Be with someone who knows
what they have
when they have your love
{{{♥♥}}}

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From:
Registered: Sep 2011

posted November 16, 2011 08:59 AM            

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quote:

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Originally posted by LEXX:
For myself,
the biggest thing I hate about getting old is the inability to bear children.
Or the chance to.:'(
With my history of over 26 lost pregnancies,
I am used to not bearing.
However the one time I succeeded, it was so amazing!
There is no feeling that can compare to feeling new life growing within one's body.
The turns and kicks and psi connection.....
that first meeting once born......
priceless!
So yes, that is my main sorrow in getting old,
that no more chance at experiencing such again.:'(

---

Oh, Lexxie
((hugs))

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From: Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat.......& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
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posted November 16, 2011 09:24 AM            

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anongrl10
Thank you!
{{{hugs you back!}}}

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Posts: 4557
From:
Registered: Sep 2011

posted November 17, 2011 04:42 PM            

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quote:

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Originally posted by LEXX:
anongrl10
Thank you!
{{{hugs you back!}}}

---

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Posts: 8748
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted November 17, 2011 06:29 PM            

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quote:

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Originally posted by Purrr:
What do you guys think? Am I being weird or stupid? I feel like I shouldn't be thinking this way.

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I feel the same. But I don't care if others think I'm being weird about it. When I have the flu my anger grows to unimaginable height due to not being able to walk. Part of it I think is Leo rising, I like moving fast. Already I'm in better health than a lot of others my age, I have, as the doctors say, excellent health. I know I will be angry when my body starts slowing down. Suicide then could be an option, but I will see when I get there, how much I can take. Diapers + me in old age = not compatible.

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From: Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat.......& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
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posted November 17, 2011 10:13 PM            

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Well the coming year may tell me whether to keep going or walk out......
I honestly do not know......
Except for that I know things must get better because I cannot go on like I have been.
Life must become better for me.
I want to live......but........

------------------

Be with someone who knows
what they have
when they have your love
{{{♥♥}}}

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posted November 18, 2011 09:01 AM            

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I wonder how many folks think I am an idiot for hanging on.
Maybe I am.
I am giving myself until January 1st. 2013 to find my "happy place"......
and if I do not......
yeah......
By giving myself a deadline....LOL..."dead" line.....
I can better hold on for another year.
I can always make a new deadline on January 1st. 2013.......
but if not.....
I can take the other option.

Getting old when one has already been disabled for nigh onto a 1/4 century to date,
totally sucks.
Things many folks say they could not would not be able to endure about aging,
I have and do endure, the being disabled, not the old has caused.

My daily pep talks to self are feeling to myself as trying to delude myself into having reasons to continue.

I am tired of my life.
Getting more tired and disillusioned every day.

I feel like someone who has been told they will be blind come next sunrise,
desperately trying to claw and grasp and pull up and away the veil of night coming over the dying day,
wanting just a few more moments of light before the unavoidable darkness falls.

------------------
I must perhaps resign myself to having only stolen and brief tastes of happiness,
for it appears that I may never be invited to the feast.
~LEXX

The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation A stereotyped but unconscious despair is concealed even under what are called the games and amusements of mankind.
~Henry David Thoreau

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Posts: 103
From:
Registered: Oct 2011

posted November 18, 2011 05:56 PM            

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"I am tired of my life.
Getting more tired and disillusioned every day."

I wish you wouldn't feel that way. If nothing else, I like reading your posts.

I've never told anyone this, but I was diagnosed as bi-polar ... a different kind of struggle than yours, but still a struggle.

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posted November 18, 2011 06:35 PM            

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1-scorp
Struggle is struggle even yours.{{{hugs}}}
Thank you for liking my posts.
I enjoy coming here,
but too often that is about all I have energy for betwixt being down.
I do care about folks here at LL, but forgive me,
it is just not enough.
Gods I sound pitiful.

------------------
I must perhaps resign myself to having only stolen and brief tastes of happiness,
for it appears that I may never be invited to the feast.
~LEXX

The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation A stereotyped but unconscious despair is concealed even under what are called the games and amusements of mankind.
~Henry David Thoreau

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