posted January 28, 2012 12:34 PM            

Women don¡¦t make fools of men ¡V most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason ¡V you¡¦ve got sick of him.

Never trust a man who says he¡¦s the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.

A woman¡¦s work that is never done, is the stuff she asked her husband to do.

If you want a nice man go for a bald one - - they try harder.

Go for a younger men. You might as well ¡V they never mature anyway.

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men ¡§don¡¦t¡¨ and ¡§stop¡¨ (but not used together).

Men are all the same - - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

Definition of a man with manners – he gets out the bath to pee.

Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is.

Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men - - a woman.

There are a lot of words you can use to describe men - - strong, caring, loving -- they¡¦d be wrong but you could still use them!

Men are like animals messy, insensitive and potentially violent ¡V but they make great pets!

Mens brains are like the prison system – system not enough cells per man.

Husbands are like children they're fine if they're someone else's.

posted January 28, 2012 12:35 PM            

• A GOOD WINE IS EASY TO FIND
• A GOOD WINE TASTES GREAT!
• JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE DINNER WITH A GLASS OF WINE, YOU’RE NOT EXPECTED TO SLEEP WITH IT.
• WHEN A BOTTLE OF WINE IS FINISHED, IT DOESN’T ROLL OVER AND GO TO SLEEP!
• YOU DON’T HAVE TO REASSURE A GLASS OF WINE THAT IT’S THE BEST WINE YOU’VE EVER HAD.
• A GLASS OF WINE WON’T EMBARRASS YOU IN FRONT OF YOUR FRIENDS!
• IF YOU DON’T FANCY A GLASS OF WINE IT WON’T THINK YOU’RE A LESBIAN.
• YOU WON’T FEEL CHEAP IF YOU HAVE MORE THAN ONE GLASS OF WINE!

posted January 28, 2012 12:41 PM            

You wake up face down on the pavement
You call the Samaritans and they put you on hold

You put your bra on backwards and it fits better

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles

You went to put on your clothes you wore home from last night’s party – and there aren’t any

You turn on the news and they’re showing emergency routes out of the city

Your twin sister forgets your birthday
You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke and then realise you don’t have a waterbed

posted January 28, 2012 12:45 PM            

FIRST THE WOMEN
40-ish…………………... 48
Adventurer……….…. Has had more partners than you ever will.
Athletic………………... Flat chested
Average looking…… Ugly
Beautiful………….…… Pathological liar
Contagious smile…. Bring your penicillin
Educated……………… College dropout
Feminist……………..… Fat, ball buster
Free spirit…………... Substance user
Friendship first…. Trying to live down reputation as ****
Fun……………………...… Annoying
Gentle…………………… Comatose
New-Age……….…….. All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned……. Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded………. Desperate
Outgoing……………… Loud
Passionate……….….. Loud
Professional………… Real Witch
Redhead………………. Shops at the Clairol section
Reubenesque…….…. Grossly fat
Romantic………..….... Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous………...… Very fat
Weight proportional Hugely fat
to height
Wants Soulmate…. One step away from stalking
Widow………….. …. Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart…… Toothless crone

THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST

40-ish…………………. 52 and looking for 25 year old
Athletic……………... Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking… Unusual hair growth on ears, nose and back
Educated…………... Will always treat you like an idiot.
Free spirit……….… Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first… As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun………………………. Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking…….. Arrogant
Honest……………….. Pathological liar
Huggable…………… Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle…… Insecure, overly dependant
Mature…………...... Until you get to know him
Open-minded……. Wants to sleep with your sister
Physically fit…….. I spend a lot of time in front of the mirror, admiring myself.
Poet………………….… Has written on a bathroom stall!
Spiritual……….….… Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
Stable………….….… Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful……..… Says “Please” when demanding a beer.

posted January 30, 2012 01:14 PM            

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Remember, love can conquer the influences of the planets....It can even eliminate karma.

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