posted September 13, 2015 01:59 AM            

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Originally posted by 4lifephrases:
I am confused Pixie - You are saying that Grandparents want to be paid or want something in return if they took care of grandchildren....lol...

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No. I'm not talking about a business arrangement, that's different. A business arrangement is like with a babysitter from outside the family. Families are supposed to share more and be more emotionally intimate than that. And neither one MUST do anything.

And because I'm not talking about cold business arrangements the rest of what you came up with does not apply to what I'm saying.

quote:

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Originally posted by 4lifephrases:
My Mother In law she is like she wants to be super involved in knowing things and then her whole social group needs to gossip and chat. You have to realize that at the end of it she is more concerned about her own son and not me (because I am outsider). She has to take care of him because I would do something bad to him and add to that I feel ganged up against them as they are in majority and I am by myself.

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Then she's not treating you as family. If I were treated that way I wouldn't leave my kids with her, after all that's just one more way for her to get her tendrils into my life, snoop where she shouldn't be snooping, and turning my kids against me. I'd have virtually nothing to do with her once I decided there was no point in trying.

Besides, if they're so wealthy to have nannies then I'm surprised your husband doesn't use nannies as well since that's "the way things are done" and wealth should come to him as well.

Though there are still alternatives, mothers often know other mothers and they can sit for each other for example (or at least recommend a trustworthy teen to babysit cheap, or programs by churches and libraries that are usually cheap to free, plenty of creative options). 'Course there are always those who take and never give but I think they're usually easy to see and cut out of one's life. (If that's the ONLY option then yeah, contracts would be the way to go, but I'd never be close to such a person and I'd want to move ASAP.)

If your husband is so cheap that he won't hire a nanny but also refusing to accept government aid then it's not just your MIL who is the problem here.

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Originally posted by 4lifephrases:
We were planning to buy property so she would start with horror stories of how wife killed husband and got whole house

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HAHAHAHAHA!

I take it back. I'd have so much fun fragging with this woman! Starting with getting info from her like her date of birth and all, and when she asks why I'd answer, "I need it for the life insurance policy I'm getting in case of your tragic and untimely death." Then try very hard to keep a straight face.

posted September 13, 2015 10:53 AM            

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posted September 19, 2015 12:42 AM            

As for aid I guess it is mixture of my husband doesn't want to feel like he can't provide and my immigration status has only recently changed to be eligible to any aid.
His income is too high to make our family eligible but I would still inquire,just in case we have missed out any help. I still have another 9 months to go for Citizenship and it might affect my chance to get citizenship. Actually it was my husband only told me that his mother would help me perhaps she didn't wanted to.

Guess what I have just found out she is Capricorn moon. What is up with all this Cap Moon. I don't know what I should learn form them that I should do deal. Great I have started being calculative.

However in some way then I still do not see point so they want us to live close to them so that when they get sick we can help them but not when we need help ? I do not understand this bit of Western Culture ???? Is this Western Culture or maybe just how my inlaws family/village works?

I also wonder whether as a Brit or just generally is there any childcare aid or school in USA ? Government sponsored ? Church thing and YMCA (I read somewhere) is that like daily long hours or just 1-2 hours? Do women struggle with long hours taking care of children ?

We do some here in UK Library, government children's centre which normally involves me being there.I recently tried once paid creche it is only for 2 hours, I have had a very sweet old lady who couldn't have children who babysit for 1-2 hours but I am not sure how many times she would be willing to do. Saturn left Scorpio and I have had mother who has offered on her own to keep my son but I have just put application for some funding for my business. Fingures crossed ! Since I am happy with my bond with my son then I can go atleast 3 days week to work (somehow going office is only considered work here)... Is that same in USA?

posted September 20, 2015 01:33 AM            

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I resonate everything except being #1 and being judged on material possession as something I do not agree. I wonder whether you all think it is true or not.

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Well, it's not so much that you have to be on top. People are obsessed with competition because there's so many people here, and if you disappoint your boss, you can easily be replaced because there are so many people waiting in line who want your job. Everyone worries about being the best they can be because they feel expendable. I'm trying to learn how to do a job that not many people can do, so I won't have quite as much competition.

As for the material possessions thing, that's not as big a deal as far as people caring about you, but having money will be important because we don't have much of a social safety net here. If you can't take care of yourself because you don't make enough money, you could become a burden on your family. But it's certainly not as if people here don't care about family and friends. At least according to the Sibly chart, the US has a Sagittarius rising, but a Cancer sun and an Aquarius moon.

I have to say, you might be a little disappointed. Let's just say that the US and the UK are both very capitalist countries with bicameral legislatures, common law systems, democracy, English language, etc. Most British people I've spoken to here say there wasn't much of a culture shock, and that it's a lot like living in the UK except that everything is bigger, more spread out (you pretty much have to have a car if you don't live in a major city), and perhaps a bit more generic.

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individualism
belief that each person is unique, special and a “basic unit of nature”
emphasis on individual initiative
stress need for independence
premium on individual expression
value privacy

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Well, individualism is kind of complicated here. You also have to be a "team player." You're encouraged to be an individual, but you're expected to want to express your individuality the same way everyone else does. People form cliques, and people in each clique claim that they're all more "individual" than the people in the other cliques. The great thing is that there's more than one clique to choose from, but it's not as if everyone acts totally different from everyone else. The catch is that you can be an individual, but other people don't have to like or accept your individuality.

And the higher you want to go in, say, business, the tighter the restrictions get... they can insist that you get a haircut, wear suits, wear uniforms, etc. Some places don't like piercings or tattoos. It can depend on how conservative or open the corporate culture is, though.

The rest of that is pretty much true. Initiative, independence, and privacy are fairly common values.

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equality
open society that ideally treats everyone equally
little hierarchy
informal
directness in relations with others

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Equality is something politicians talk about a lot, but there's tons of hierarchy in the US. There are a lot of bosses that go around saying things like, "This company isn't a democracy, it's a dictatorship, but you're free to leave." A lot of companies are fairly informal, in the sense of guys standing around the water cooler being crude and gossiping about people. When people say that they're "informal," what they often mean is that they're rude and sloppy. There are also some less obvious hierarchies... for instance, if you're White, people will tend be more comfortable around you than if you're a different race, because that's just what people are used to. British accents are considered charming, though, so you have an advantage in that department. If you're non-White, then there are tons of organizations set up for people of the same ethnicity to help each other out in various ways. There is, unfortunately, a tendency for people to group themselves with others of the same race/ethnicity.

People are very direct, however.

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materialism
a “right” to be well off and physically comfortable
judge people by their possessions

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Actually, people tend to think you have to work very hard to be well off, and that you deserve to live in the street if you can't hack it. Again, very few social services. We do have charitable organizations and a lot of people don't think that way... but it is a mentality that exists in our society.

Do they judge people by their possessions? Well, people that were born wealthy sometimes do, because they're a little stuck-up and they've never had it rough. Most non-wealthy people are a little less judgmental, though, and have had to work their way up or scrimp and save to get by. It's not uncommon for people to buy their clothes at thrift stores, especially the older generation. They used to have this saying during the war... "Use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without." There is some respect for that kind of mentality of wanting to save your money and be judicious with the purse strings.

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science and technology
values scientific approaches
primary source of good
major factor in change

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Well, for the most part. Except when science disagrees with religion. I don't want to go into it here because I don't want to offend anyone, but let's just say scientists and people of certain faiths don't see eye to eye on certain facts. Things regarding the origins of species, if you know what I mean.

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progress and change
belief in changing self and country
“Manifest Destiny”
optimism -- nothing is impossible
work and leisure
strong work ethic
work is the basis of recognition, power.
idleness seen as a threat to society
leisure is a reward for hard work

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Almost all of that is true, although we're less optimistic than we used to be. 10 or 20 years ago, I would have agreed with the optimism part. 9/11 changed everything, and then the recession caused by the subprime mortgages in 2007 was the last straw.

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competition
aggressive and competitive nature encouraged
Be First (#1) mentality

mobility
a people on the move
vertical (social / economic) as well as physical mobility

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Mostly correct.

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volunteerism
belief in helping others (related to equality concept)
philanthropy admired
a personal choice not a communal expectation
involves associations / denominations rather than kin-groups

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This is more true in the Northwest. The rest rest of the country is fairly average on this. Yes, there are charities and good-hearted people, but they don't seem like the majority.

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action and achievement oriented
emphasis on getting things done
priority on planning and setting goals
tendency to be brief and business like,
practical
measure results
focus on function and pragmatism

[/B]

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posted September 20, 2015 04:18 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by 4lifephrases:
However in some way then I still do not see point so they want us to live close to them so that when they get sick we can help them but not when we need help ? I do not understand this bit of Western Culture ???? Is this Western Culture or maybe just how my inlaws family/village works?

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The UK and US have a very different mindset (and also different subcultures). At least it's something we notice between each other, I suppose it might not appear so different to someone from India.

And I think you're basing this on what I said in which case you've deeply misunderstood what I was trying to get across and have mixed what I said about the general dynamics with your emotions over your particular interactions with your mother in law. (If I were in your shoes I wouldn't have anything to do with her at all, or if I did, she'd regret it.)

quote:

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Originally posted by 4lifephrases:
I also wonder whether as a Brit or just generally is there any childcare aid or school in USA ? Government sponsored ? Church thing and YMCA (I read somewhere) is that like daily long hours or just 1-2 hours? Do women struggle with long hours taking care of children ?

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VERY IMPORTANT about welfare: there are caps or limits on it. Unless you are declared permanently disabled or have some other unusual classification then there is a limit of welfare you can get in your entire life, something in the range of 2 years IIRC. Strangely, many Americans don't even know that, but that's because the corporate fat cats who collect millions and even billions in "wealthfare" from our government use their media outlets (which they own) to target outrage on the pittance the poor get instead. And what welfare does exist is constantly under attack and dying a death from a thousand paper cuts.

If you do apply then you want to look into TANF (Temporary Assistance to Needy Families) and WIC (can't remember what this stands for but as a mother you'll get more assistance using them). Even so, plenty on welfare have to find private charity from food banks, sell plasma, and other such things to make ends meet...and you simply can't report it or you'll risk having what you gain that way cut from what you get. Even this has limits and will almost certainly require you to seek employment (and show proof), and by that they'll probably require a job as opposed to your working at home. You may be required to take drug tests, and if so then chances are you'll have to get yourself to some clinic at a specific time to do so (I don't think this is common but I have heard of it).

Generally speaking these people aren't prone to treat you well or be helpful so it's best to find someone to help you navigate the process. Ask around at the local food banks as some of them are volunteers who genuinely want to help and have experience (or know those who do).

Beyond that the only subsidized daycare is our school system (but these can have programs that last longer than the school day, which may or may not cost to take part in). Schools in Europe are generally better in about every way. And if you're on welfare then chances are you're living in a low income area which means the local schools get less in tax money which means it's going to be of lower quality than most other American schools (though remarkable individuals and communities have created some notable exceptions). However, schools DO typically have programs for qualified kids (based on family income) to get free (or at least discounted) breakfast and lunch there. Unfortunately, other kids tend to treat them very badly (though maybe not in a low income area).

It costs to be part of the YMCA, though I think the price is very reasonable given what they offer. However, many (but not all) of the programs and classes and camps they offer do require more money to attend. That said, if you're a member you can pretty much stay while it's open, and kids need to be able to act decent on their own before they can stay there by themselves (roughly think about how old before it's acceptable to leave them alone at the library)...but childcare, if they even have it, costs extra. (The pool will have a lifeguard, however.)

Libraries have faced cuts so that they're dying out as well (though still alive and kicking strong at the moment, but open fewer hours and less days than they used to in most places, and offering fewer services for free), but if your children are well-behaved and don't need to be constantly supervised then it's a place for them. Summer Reading Programs (and similar programs through the year, though against continual cuts against their budgets hurt their ability to have them) are excellent places to leave kids which are typically free. (Of course they can always use volunteers...I was essentially drafted to help 2 librarians run a Summer Reading Program when ALL 20 who promised to volunteer flaked out and it's an experience I'll never forget, though I got some good karma from it, at least a smoking hot reference that opened the door for many child care jobs for me later on.)

It's also worth keeping in mind that the libraries allow the homeless to use them as well (which, generally speaking, they should). Most are fine, but a few suffer extreme mental illness which can flare up at any time. While libraries are usually good about kicking those people out they tend to hang around the area and can be a threat to kids. (It's rare, but it happens.)

As for maternity leave, I believe most only give that for when a new child is born. After that, children are your responsibility. Many will use daycare centers if they can, but they cost. Back when I was a babysitter in a low income neighborhood I never had problems finding work (I often had to turn plenty away) even charging $20 an hour (somewhat flexible, and just so you know $10 is common even for the inexperienced unless the babysitters are themselves under the age of 18). (ETA: $10 is about 6 British Pounds, and 20 about 13.)

posted September 20, 2015 06:38 PM            

quote:

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The UK and US have a very different mindset (and also different subcultures). At least it's something we notice between each other, I suppose it might not appear so different to someone from India.

[QUOTE]

No, even though I am from India my family especially my dad had moved from village to city. My mother wasn't able to take care of my grandma as she was afar and my dad was unwell. So I think I have reached a point where my mum understands when we can not take care of each other and are each independent.

[quote]
And I think you're basing this on what I said in which case you've deeply misunderstood what I was trying to get across and have mixed what I said about the general dynamics with your emotions over your particular interactions with your mother in law. (If I were in your shoes I wouldn't have anything to do with her at all, or if I did, she'd regret it.)

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posted September 20, 2015 06:48 PM            

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If you're non-White, then there are tons of organizations set up for people of the same ethnicity to help each other out in various ways. There is, unfortunately, a tendency for people to group themselves with others of the same race/ethnicity.

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posted September 20, 2015 06:58 PM            

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Beyond that the only subsidized daycare is our school system (but these can have programs that last longer than the school day, which may or may not cost to take part in).

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This is going to be tough and better planning needed from my end as I think we start getting some sort of daycare from 3 and sometimes 2 years. It really makes me think about Free Healthcare and Childcare which UK would provide.

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[b]
It's also worth keeping in mind that the libraries allow the homeless to use them as well (which, generally speaking, they should). Most are fine, but a few suffer extreme mental illness which can flare up at any time. While libraries are usually good about kicking those people out they tend to hang around the area and can be a threat to kids. (It's rare, but it happens.)

As for maternity leave, I believe most only give that for when a new child is born. After that, children are your responsibility. Many will use daycare centers if they can, but they cost. Back when I was a babysitter in a low income neighborhood I never had problems finding work (I often had to turn plenty away) even charging $20 an hour (somewhat flexible, and just so you know $10 is common even for the inexperienced unless the babysitters are themselves under the age of 18). (ETA: $10 is about 6 British Pounds, and 20 about 13.)

Of course plenty just leave kids at home hoping the video games, phones, TV and such babysit them enough. Note: don't leave kids in the car, especially not for more than a few minutes, as that's just begging to get someone to call the cops. I understand why this gets done (it's because the laws can't be followed in the real world by the poor, at least not since the disintegration of the extended family) but not only is it bad for the child, it's still illegal and you're more likely to get busted for it than say leaving a child at home. Also be aware that if anyone is busted in your home for drugs, including babysitter while you're away or your own kids, you can lose the entire home and any and all welfare benefits (the likelihood is this happening is low but it's something to keep in mind).

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Libraries and homeless is same in UK.I was in down town LA and some bits of Hollywood near toilets I really thought it was bit creepy.Cost is pretty similar however Camps and Reading Class is something I am not aware if UK has.

Leaving home child on their own is a big no no here. Leaving child in car because you forgot is not as big deal in UK as it might be in USA.

Drug use and recreation drugs is something people talk lot more freely I feel in US whereas here in UK either you are doing them and that is that or you are not and you would never know about it.

posted September 20, 2015 09:53 PM            

America is muber ONE.

1.) Largest prison population on the planet

2.) Highest percentage of obese people of any country

3.) Highest divorce rate in the world by a large margin

4.) Most hours of television watched each week

5.) Highest use of illegal drugs on the planet

6.) More car thefts by far than any place in the world

7.) More reported rapes than any place else in the world

8.) More reported murders than any other country

9.) More reported crimes than any other country

10.) More police officers than any place else in the world

11.) More money spent on health care as a percentage of gross domestic product

12.) More people on pharmaceutical drugs than any other country

13.) More women on more anti-depressants than any other country in the world

14.) Americans have more student loan debt than any other country

15.) 89 per cent of all pornography is created in the USA

16.) The USA has the highest trade deficit in the world

17.) The USA has the most complicated tax system in the world

18.) The USA has the most lawyers in the world

19.) The USA has far more military bases than any other country

20.) The USA has the largest debt that the world has ever seen.
the above list has been a reason for some to leave the United States.

Just a thot

posted September 22, 2015 07:15 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Seimei:
think long and hard on your decision.
People come here and have the experience and by the time they get a full picture they feel it an exoerience thaey would have been better off without.

America is muber ONE.

1.) Largest prison population on the planet

2.) Highest percentage of obese people of any country

3.) Highest divorce rate in the world by a large margin

4.) Most hours of television watched each week

5.) Highest use of illegal drugs on the planet

6.) More car thefts by far than any place in the world

7.) More reported rapes than any place else in the world

8.) More reported murders than any other country

9.) More reported crimes than any other country

10.) More police officers than any place else in the world

11.) More money spent on health care as a percentage of gross domestic product

12.) More people on pharmaceutical drugs than any other country

13.) More women on more anti-depressants than any other country in the world

14.) Americans have more student loan debt than any other country

15.) 89 per cent of all pornography is created in the USA

16.) The USA has the highest trade deficit in the world

17.) The USA has the most complicated tax system in the world

18.) The USA has the most lawyers in the world

19.) The USA has far more military bases than any other country

20.) The USA has the largest debt that the world has ever seen.
the above list has been a reason for some to leave the United States.

Just a thot

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Ok Porn no. is scary !!!

I believe all your statistics and it does make me reconsider.

Question is where do people really go and I think it all boils down to personal values and circumstances. When I came to UK and I told people how bad it was. They didn't believe me and i know why ? I guess when you can't bear situation you are in you change and you want to go somewhere different/ country. It doesn't solve all your problem but it gives you hope / to look something new and when you remove that as well. I guess people are left with no hope and I guess that is worse and lost place to be.