posted November 22, 2010 11:12 AM            

On the Summer solstice.....
my ex and I, intend to stand as before,
in the lake......
but this time not as two coming together,
but as two returning to becoming separate.
Hopefully to have the same witnesses as before.
And with a bit of luck.....
A commitment/engagement ceremony for my ex and his new partner.

posted November 22, 2010 11:28 AM            

The second song illustrates the "walk's end"
betwixt us.

(oddly the name we gave the place we live at, is "Walk's End"...what a premonition!)

of two who cared deeply for each other,
do still do care......
but both realize, their journey together is over......they must move on to their separate paths.

This is all a good thing Ami.

posted October 16, 2011 10:06 AM            

By serious I mean- lasting longer than a few months. Reason being, and for reasons I am still trying to figure out, all the loves that have come and gone in my life- I have yet to have a relationship last longer than two years...

Bad break-ups? Yes! They all are, at first. Like the song goes- Breaking up is hard to do. And it doesn't matter who does the leaving, both people feel the hurt. At least in my case anyways.

I have always been the one to do the walking away or, as many of my ex's have said- the "running" away.
I never wanted to hurt anyone by doing so. I just always reached a point where I had to ask myself if this was the relationship I really wanted? And could I picture myself in it for the rest of my life? Were we really helping each other to grow and learn or just passing time? And as always, shortly there after, I would end it. Before it went any further or we wasted any more time.

Saying it now, like that, sounds cold. But it wasn't. I cared for all of them, wished for them the best and never intended to cause hurt in any way. I just felt it was the best thing for both of us, and it was time to move on.

Fortunately, time heals all wounds and in the end I have most all of those ex's as friends. Even if its only one in passing, or the "hey how ya been?" message sent on facebook every now and again. I didn't burn, use or treat badly anyone nor was I treated poorly in most cases.

That is until the last relationship I had, and this time, it wasn't I who did the walking.

I sometimes wondered if the confusion, hurt and loss I endured on this roller coaster that was so hard to get off of was somehow, something I deserved for the hurt I had caused others. In fact I am sure in one way or another it was some sort of Karmic debt I owed. All I know is - after that- all my dues surely must be paid! I hope...

How crazy it is that something once so wonderful could come to feelings as those...

I felt Like it was truely the first time I had really been in love... I never even imagined that I could feel that way with someone. I felt content and happy. For the first time I felt I was where I belonged. I didn't want to run at the first sign of trouble. With no effort at all I just understood, forgave, accepted and loved him. I could be me, love someone the way I was meant to and all I wanted to do was make him happy. As he did me.

We had known each other and been friends a few years before we started dating. There had always been an attraction between us but never an opportunity to explore it
He had always been a drinker and as far as I had seen a very happy fun one. I had not ever drank as much myself due mostly to being a bartender for so many years but with him it became more often. At first we had a blast- dancing, singing, flirting, talking it was great and it remained that way almost a year. But, during that time, only a couple, I had seen a side of him I had not before, a side of him while drinking where he would say some unexpected and rude things about my family, my job etc... I blew it off knowing he was drunk. But when those nights started happening more often, and words hit much harder I realized I could no longer just blow it off. His words, were now lingering there in my thoughts all day. And I began to question his true feeling for me. So, I would in the nicest way possible calmly explain to him that his words really hurt and if he would try to understand that and try to watch his words when it came to my family or my beliefs. But, my attempt always failed and always made it worse. Why didn't I run then???

I dont fully understand. But I do know now what I ended up doing to myself by allowing such treatment.

I forgot who I was! I stopped standing up for myself. And little by little my self worth diminished. I started believing all he said and it turned into a relationship where all I wanted to do was prove him wrong. Show him I was not a looser, I wouldnt be just a bartender etc. etc.

And yes I did love him enough to delete myspace account I had had forever with all of my friends, family and pictures just because I had an ex boyfriend as a friend. I did all I could to make him happy! But in the end, I was never enough, never good enough.

I no longer had a voice, couldnt speak my mind for fear or conflict and this only intensified his disgust for me. He was always telling me I was weak. Nieve, and hated the way I tried to defend others who I thought he should not be judging, always told me I let people walk all over me. Funny thing was I didnt feel that way. I knew the only person I let walk all over me was him. Yet I loved him.
I knew our relationship was unhealthy, destructive and likely to get worse yet, I loved him so much I was willing to take it. Thinking I was strong enough to get through it and hold on until- his love for me would be enough and he would admit he needed some help, Admit that he had problems stemming from his childhood that he needed to face. But, it never happened.

It ended for the last time when in a hotel room, on what was supposed to be a romantic get away weekend- he lost it. He got violent and threw me out of the room without my purse or phone. He then called the cops on me for banging on door asking for my stuff. But, when the cops came and saw the bruises on my neck etc. even tho I denied he had caused them - they took him to jail.

That was 7 months ago. During that 7 months he has continued to email and text blamming me for everything. And during this time has also met someone new.

And as crazy as it sounds - that news killed me. I still feel lost, still trying to get over it all. Still feeling hurt, still missing him, WTF!

There has got to be something wrong with me to have feelings for someone like him.

I didn't intend to ramble on like I have. I suppose it was needed. Part of this what seems, will be a never ending healing process.

It is one of my main reasons for studying astrology again - to understand, to learn, to move on.

I think what hurts the most is that I know I was in love and that feeling was great - but screw all that- I dont ever want to feel that way again! And that sucks.

Incase you hadn't guessed-

I am a Pisces- Sun, Mercury, Venus with Cancer rising and Moon in Libra.

posted October 17, 2011 01:14 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Stawr:
Single but going on a date Tuesday

---

posted October 17, 2011 11:42 PM            

But I'm at the point where I don't see the point of flipping out on him. I've only known him for a few weeks.

I just may send him a text tomorrow saying something like 'let me know if your still up for it(by insert time here), cause I haven't herd a peep from you. And if your not up for it, you can either tell me or say nothing like you've been doing that's fine too.'
(That doesn't sound TOO rude, but gets my point across.)

No one likes to be stood up...everyone has been stood up, and we've all done it to somebody.

But I usually tell someone if I am going to do that...I find it to be flat out rude if the person decides to cancel and not to bother telling you.
I may forgive a person for doing this to me with out notice(it always feels ****** no matter who it is)...but I will lose a lot of respect for them, and I will not be able to take them seriously...And I will probably give them a taste of their own medicine.

You know what else feels ****** ...is tracking down the person...and then they give you some stupid excuse...like I'm sick. YEAH RIGHT...I would of felt a hellovalot better if you made up the dumb excuse before I tracked you down...it would of been a lot more believable.
(this girl who was like my best friend did that to me on my bday...now I consider her to be barely an acquaintance.)

Sometimes people end up just not being up for things...even when they wish that they where...I've been there.

(rant done.lol)

posted October 18, 2011 12:17 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Stawr:
aw thanks Lexx...<3
I have not herd a peep from the guy at all today. I felt like **** the whole entire day...I even texted him. Nothing. So I am having my doubts.

But I'm at the point where I don't see the point of flipping out on him. I've only known him for a few weeks.

I just may send him a text tomorrow saying something like 'let me know if your still up for it(by insert time here), cause I haven't herd a peep from you. And if your not up for it, you can either tell me or say nothing like you've been doing that's fine too.'
(That doesn't sound TOO rude, but gets my point across.)

No one likes to be stood up...everyone has been stood up, and we've all done it to somebody.

But I usually tell someone if I am going to do that...I find it to be flat out rude if the person decides to cancel and not to bother telling you.
I may forgive a person for doing this to me with out notice(it always feels ****** no matter who it is)...but I will lose a lot of respect for them, and I will not be able to take them seriously...And I will probably give them a taste of their own medicine.

You know what else feels ****** ...is tracking down the person...and then they give you some stupid excuse...like I'm sick. YEAH RIGHT...I would of felt a hellovalot better if you made up the dumb excuse before I tracked you down...it would of been a lot more believable.
(this girl who was like my best friend did that to me on my bday...now I consider her to be barely an acquaintance.)

Sometimes people end up just not being up for things...even when they wish that they where...I've been there.

(rant done.lol)

---

Getting left hanging is awful. Not to long ago I met a guy and we arranged to have a date on mother's day. I don't support public holidays and I tell my mother I love her everyday, so I was completely up for it. Apparently so was he but days before he went missing. I don't hound people, I actually rarely touch my phone but I hate changing planes its such an inconvenience. If I plan something I want it done (Mars in the 1st). So about an hour before our date on mother's day he sends me a text message that he completely forget it was mother's day and is taking his mother out for dinner. In the text admitting he was being such a flak. I was not amused and I'd begun to get ready!

posted October 18, 2011 12:50 AM            

hehheh...I like my text idea...it's like I am politely telling him to man up or keep acting like a p()ssy.
(but I will be ****** if he does text back a dumb excuse...I wouldn't be ****** if he came up with a dumb excuse before I asked him for one.I just tick that way...sh!t happens. I called him Saturday when my car wasn't working) (((UGHH!yea my weekend SUCKED AZZ))

But yeah I am in a very strange place...I've been single for a year and a half and haven't gotten d!ck for a year...But then by the summer I forgot about the vibe my ex bought me...(lately almost everyday I'm at it! sometimes more than once a day.)
It's a bit different being single but not a virgin anymore which has been the case since Apr 2010.

I never want to jump into a relationship ever again. But I am open to casual hook-ups. So you would think that I would be having it! I know that if I really feel an urge to screw someone I don't need to be in a relationship...some people are just smokin hot and you want them...but you don't get a boyfriend vibe from them.
I've been hit on by plenty of guys hot and not. They are all just after one thing! And most of the time I'm thinking no thanks.

Like a guy I dance with at the club asking for my number...I find pointless. Dancing with me is no big deal. There was only one time I wanted a guys number...cause we actually talked before we danced.

I honestly think I would be able to hook-up with a guy if
*I felt that sexual connection
*Felt no pressure(with me the less pressure the faster the progress...I cannot deal with a guy constantly pressuring for commitment and getting physical such a turn off...even if the guy is hot...like it has to be my idea. lmao
*AND most importantly respect, if the guy shows signs of disrespect I will just say forget about it...or just stop talking to them. (from talking to me like I'm a h0e, to hooking up with someone in the next room and thinking I will be down taking a turn next in line)

There have been two times from 2010-11...where I have came close to how you say...hooking up...but it's like for some reason when I tell the guy "I'm down" they feel like they don't need to be charming...UMM WTH?...you know I can change my mind because of your stupid words and actions don't you? CAUSE I JUST DID.

(rant 2 over heh-heh)

It's like since I can't find a right guy I guess you can say I'm in a relationship with myself...cause I have needs damn it, and so far men...okay I shouldn't say men more like guys are just disappointing. lmao