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Author
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Topic: Abuse.
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Lioness
Knowflake Posts: 2383
From:
Registered: Mar 2010
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posted December 04, 2010 08:12 PM
  
Well this is dedicated to Electric mind, that told me I should tell my story.. This is one piece of me.. I dont want any one to feel sorry for me, or see me as a victim.. Im just telling my story... When I was 19 I got pregnant from the ultimate bad boy.. We lived together for a while, trying to do what was right.. He didnt love me, and I didnt love him.. It was just one of those things that happen.. He was verbally abusive to me, telling me how ugly I was and what a terrible person I am.. blah blah.. You get the idea.. Well one day we got into an argument, and he threw me on the floor he sat on my waist and my arms, so I couldnt move.. He beat me until I was black and blue.. I couldnt feel anything at the time, and I couldnt move, my only choice was to lay there and take each and every punch as they came one after another...
Afterwards I just laid there in a ball, afraid to even move.. He just went to sleep.. I Knew I was never going to allow this to happen again.. I knew I had to get away from this man.. So I planed for a week. I didnt work at the time.. I went and applied for welfare, and I looked for a place to stay... (no family to go to) A friend said I could live with her..
So in the middle of the night (he worked nights) I packed up everything, myself and my daughter and I moved out. With out telling him anything.. Black eyes and all. So now Im 20 years old with a 7 month old baby, and basically homeless and broke. I lived with a friend for about a month. but you know you can only stay at a friends house so long, before they start feeling like you are invading there space.. I had that feeling. So I moved to a motel.. The hotel cost me 400 a month.. I was getting 436 a month from welfare.. I was only getting like 30 a month in food stamps bc I was considered homeless with no refrigerator so "according to the social worker" I didnt need food stamps.. Where would I keep food at.. the social worker told me if you cant provide you should give up your child for an adoption. You can only imagine the ear full she got from me, not to mention the 4 letter words.. She then changed it saying I was just telling you about your options.. I would ask people for milk for my daughter, which is humiliating. I sold everything I had just to survive.. I did everything I had to do... Never regretting leaving.. This was the hardest time or my life. But leaving WAS the best decision I could have EVER made.. I eventually found work, and got a place to live.. I got myself back on track it was a tough road.. I know support myself and will never rely on any man to pay the bills.. I will never be homeless again.... If anyone is in this situation, PLEASE get out.. It will be hard but it will be the best thing you could ever do... I promise you wont regret it... It will eventually get better... No man has or will ever lay a hand on me again!!
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PlutoSquared
Knowflake Posts: 4371
From: Mars
Registered: Aug 2010
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posted December 04, 2010 08:21 PM
P2IP: Logged |
Lioness
Knowflake Posts: 2383
From:
Registered: Mar 2010
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posted December 04, 2010 08:25 PM
I can only hope that if any one is going through this and reads it realizes leaving is hard but its the best thing.. It wont end.. I left the first time.. Even though it did traumatize me, I didnt allow it to continue.. Ladies please dont allow any MAN Woman hit you.. There is better.. Im glad u got away PS.. good for you IP: Logged |
electricmind
Knowflake Posts: 837
From:
Registered: Dec 2009
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posted December 04, 2010 08:41 PM
Lioness! You are a healing warrior  IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 10232
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted December 04, 2010 09:04 PM
I agree Electric mind
I love you ((((Lioness)))))  ------------------
If I am not for myself, who am I? If I am only for myself, what am I , Bruh IP: Logged |
electricmind
Knowflake Posts: 837
From:
Registered: Dec 2009
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posted December 04, 2010 09:28 PM
I love you too! IP: Logged |
Lioness
Knowflake Posts: 2383
From:
Registered: Mar 2010
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posted December 04, 2010 09:57 PM
Thanks ladies... just sharing a story.. Hoping if anyone is going through this they will find the strength to leave.. This is one of the easier stories to share.. Im not ready to share anything else yet.. I dont see myself as an abused woman, or a battered women.. There are so many women that live with this for years and years.. I cant even imagine their personal hell, they go through... I just hope they can find the courage to get away even if it means being temp homeless... The homless will go away with effort and work, the beatings wont..
Even mental abuse is just as bad, they tell you your not worth anything, and you believe it.. Feeling worthless... Never let anyone tell you you are not worthy.. Each of us is worthy.. IP: Logged |
LEXX
Moderator Posts: 6212
From: Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat.......& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted December 05, 2010 01:06 AM
Lioness 
Thank you for sharing.
I can relate.IP: Logged |
SunChild
Moderator Posts: 2332
From: Australia
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted December 05, 2010 05:25 PM
Lioness (((((( )))))) You Got out!
I can also relate ~ so many here have suffered this similar abuse.... those vile creatures who have inflicted it... I've been through many emotions toward my abuser and finally have healed and moved on. Glad to hear your story.... A Lioness will do anything to protect their young, you are a pure strong woman and I admire you because I know exactly how tough it was and how much courage you have. ------------------
“It’s an interesting thing. Seeing Kuan Yin relating to a flower so intently. She's not just looking at it; she's interacting with it…I’m seeing how the act of relating to a flower appears to be so simple. Yet, it takes a tremendous amount of courage to make such a “simple” act important. Now, the lotus is floating away.” IP: Logged |
snarly
Knowflake Posts: 207
From: u.k
Registered: Oct 2010
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posted December 06, 2010 06:13 AM
Lioness, I just had to post and tell you how inspiring your story is. You are such a brave woman, and have been through so much... My best friend went through a very similar situation, but didn't get out for a long time, she did in the end, and I am so proud of her for getting this far and doing so well. All the best of the best to you, sweetie xxxIP: Logged |
mochai
Knowflake Posts: 830
From: Charon
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted December 06, 2010 10:27 AM
quote:
Originally posted by Lioness:
He was verbally abusive to me, telling me how ugly I was and what a terrible person I am.. blah blah.. You get the idea..
I couldn't help but notice, you use the imperfect tense to describe the things in the past till the what a terrible person I am part using present tense. You still believe that don't you? IP: Logged |
soulful122
Knowflake Posts: 522
From: ←↓↑→
Registered: Jan 2010
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posted December 06, 2010 06:43 PM
It took real courage and strength for you to walk out of an abusive relationship and start all over. And I can see it took courage for you to share this as well. IP: Logged |
Lioness
Knowflake Posts: 2383
From:
Registered: Mar 2010
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posted December 06, 2010 10:04 PM
Thanks everyone for your kind words, and showing me about courage.. I didnt see it as courage, until now that it has been pointed out...
The only thing I knew was I was not going to allow someone to hit me like that.. It was a rough road, I had nothing but the clothes on my back.. I struggled and fought to overcome this terrible time.. I am now greatfull for the experience.. I learned
Never to rely on anyone..
always have a back up plan.. I learned I was worthy of better I learned how to be responsible at the age of 20.. I learned I can do anything.. My BIGGEST lesson, was..... (drum roll please)
how to spot the abusive men.. I am proud to say I never again had an abusive or controlling relationship..
Even though I have pluto in the 7th.. IP: Logged |
Diablo
Knowflake Posts: 850
From: Melbourne, Australia
Registered: May 2009
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posted December 07, 2010 07:02 AM
Lioness, thank you for sharing your amazing story of hope, courage, bravery and the unconditional love of a mother. You have already lived an entire lifetime. Your strength is so inspiring. I have Pluto in the 7th, its quite a placement to master and integrate..it took a few abusive ones(not just physically, but on all levels) to reach a level of higher understanding and love but now that I got it, I won't sacrifice it for anything. Thank you for sharing your story IP: Logged |
Randall
Webmaster Posts: 8694
From: The Goober Galaxy
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted December 16, 2010 07:35 PM
 ------------------
"Everything I eat has been proved by some doctor or other to be a deadly poison, and everything I don't eat has been proved to be indispensable for life. But I go marching on."--George Bernard Shaw IP: Logged |
Lioness
Knowflake Posts: 2383
From:
Registered: Mar 2010
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posted December 16, 2010 10:18 PM
quote:
Originally posted by Diablo:
Lioness, thank you for sharing your amazing story of hope, courage, bravery and the unconditional love of a mother. You have already lived an entire lifetime. Your strength is so inspiring. I have Pluto in the 7th, its quite a placement to master and integrate..it took a few abusive ones(not just physically, but on all levels) to reach a level of higher understanding and love but now that I got it, I won't sacrifice it for anything. Thank you for sharing your story
Thanks thats very nice of you.. Im with you....It has been an experience.. I have had a lot of trauma, this was a very tough time, but Ive had others also...
People always tell me "it could only happen to you" lol...... I use to think I had a curse put on me...
Sometimes I feel like Im a jinx for other people...
I think people are better off with out me.. When they come around me, bad things happen to them... So I come and go quickly.. I rarely remember dreams, the ones that I always have is someone killing me... I already know this is how I will die..
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Randall
Webmaster Posts: 8694
From: The Goober Galaxy
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted December 16, 2010 10:23 PM
Well-said, SC.------------------
"Everything I eat has been proved by some doctor or other to be a deadly poison, and everything I don't eat has been proved to be indispensable for life. But I go marching on."--George Bernard Shaw IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 10232
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted December 17, 2010 08:50 AM
Lioness
Are you saying you are having precognition dreams of your death?------------------
The most beautiful things in the world can't be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.
Helen Keller IP: Logged |
LEXX
Moderator Posts: 6212
From: Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat.......& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted December 17, 2010 10:58 AM
Lioness 
You said: quote:
I rarely remember dreams, the ones that I always have is someone killing me... I already know this is how I will die..
Well, I have "died" in my dreams in just about every way imaginable.
Your dream may not be a premonition/precognition.
It could possibly be past lives' memories seepage.
Without knowing more about the dream(s),
I cannot ascertain its probability factor vs its potentials.IP: Logged |
Lioness
Knowflake Posts: 2383
From:
Registered: Mar 2010
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posted December 17, 2010 11:18 AM
I never really thought of it as a precognition dreams.. Its just my dreams are always of someone trying to kill me.. But mostly its a feeling, I have.. The dreams are so different of who is killing me and how, A bum, an escaped prisoner, road rage man, a serial killer.. The list goes on and on... The only thing that seems to always be the same is its a stranger, that is after me.. I have a really bad deep fear of going missing w/o a trace, or being a Jane Doe.. I even want to get a tat of my SS # somewhere on my body... lol... Then I worried the killer would just cut it off...
Im really paranoid about it... lol IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 10232
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted December 17, 2010 11:25 AM
Well,Lioness
You have to discern if it is a fear dream i.e.symbolic of a fear or a precognition.
Hmmmm
I have never had precognition dreams but I am psychic.
I have had to discern WHAT is coming from the outside as a "message" of which I can channel and what is just "me"
I am in a constant battle to make myself a purer vessel, you could say.
I think trying to discern between the two may help give you peace.
I will help ,in any way I can
------------------
The most beautiful things in the world can't be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.
Helen Keller IP: Logged |
Lioness
Knowflake Posts: 2383
From:
Registered: Mar 2010
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posted December 17, 2010 11:48 AM
Well even though it is a fear of mine, or a gut feeling I should say.. Im not afraid per say... Kinda hard to explain... I still believe everything happens for a reason.. I just know I want go down w/o one hell of a fight.. I will make sure I cause damage I watch alot of TV crime shows, so I will make sure there is evidence left behind... I already have it all planned out... lol..
I know it sounds crazy.. but what can I say IP: Logged |
cappy1277
Knowflake Posts: 530
From: philadelphia,pa
Registered: Jul 2009
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posted December 17, 2010 09:50 PM
Lioness- very brave of you to tell. I can totally relate to you in all that you say. i was stalked by an ex for many years that tried to take my life. The one thing that was my saving grace was my therapist. If it wasn't for her, I probably would've lost my mind. its a real eye opener for a lot of people but I am a firm believer that what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger....Much love IP: Logged |
Lioness
Knowflake Posts: 2383
From:
Registered: Mar 2010
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posted December 18, 2010 12:32 AM
Thanks Cappy... I went to a therapist once.. It wasnt for me.. I did tell her everything I have been through, she was pretty shocked.. She did comment on how strong and stable I was... But IDK my pride was showing... lol Anyways, Im better at working it out myself.. I self heal.. I found it to be worse to sit there and talk to a stranger.. I was very uncomfortable.. I never went back.. But for people that can do it.. More power to you, use what ever works for you.. To me thats bravery, sitting and telling a stranger your deepest darkest fears, and trauma... I had a very hard time with it.. IP: Logged |
cappy1277
Knowflake Posts: 530
From: philadelphia,pa
Registered: Jul 2009
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posted December 18, 2010 02:52 AM
i didn't start seeing a therapist until 5 years had passed and everything came back with a blinding fury that really took me to the edge...(pluto transit i would think...the art of letting go).
I too went on with life trying to hold on to maintain some normalcy. I am a single mother also, so it feels that sometimes you don't allow yourself to process the emotions that come from a negative experience as you have experienced because honestly you just don't have the time, lol.
My ex tried to ask for repentence and forgiveness so he could go on with his life but I couldn't give him that. Deep down inside I forgive him to give me the ability to move on with my life but I would never give him the satisfaction of thinking I could ever offer his soul perfection. He made me live through my own personal hell, its time he lives it...sidebar: he is now in prison serving time for stabbing his girlfriend multiple times...its never us..its the abusers that have the problem. i wish you much luck in your journey. its a hard one but one that will be well worth it. IP: Logged |
Lindaland
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