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Author Topic:   Absent Fathers...who never came back
Virgo-AriesArtist
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Posts: 425
From: Michigan :)
Registered: Jun 2009

posted August 07, 2011 08:58 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Virgo-AriesArtist     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I was talking with a friend recently, and she made a point I think is often forgotten: for those who have a father walk away, and stay gone from their life, there is a wound there that cannot be understood or fathomed by one who has not been abandoned like that.

Let me preface this conclusion with a story behind the conversation. This friend and I attend the same church, and have been counseled by the same Reverend (a phenomenol guy). When I have talked about never knowing my father (he is still alive), and my need to track down both genealogy facts on his family, any pictures of blood family members as I had NONE, and contacting shared relatives, as well as feeling a loss, both as a genealogist and human being, that his name is not on my birth certificate even though the DNA tests were done, the Reverend has said that I'm just seeking validation and love, and I should not need either from my father.

I truly have felt more than a little lost some days, and more than a little hurt that he not only fought tooth and nail to deny I was his child until it was proven, but is it so wrong to want to know where I come from, and for his to respond to several written requests for family info only he possesses...

I mainly want to know: how many of you out there are in the same boat? Please share your stories, as I have a feeling it will help

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dysfunctionalmystic
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From: England
Registered: Sep 2010

posted August 07, 2011 10:15 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for dysfunctionalmystic     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
~

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starfox
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From: London England
Registered: Aug 2010

posted August 07, 2011 07:14 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for starfox     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
''the Reverend has said that I'm just seeking validation and love, and I should not need either from my father.''

Personally I would see it as seeking ones own heritage and identity from the other side of your parents & I would disagree with your reverend, people like to know their roots & where they are from.

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lalitree
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posted August 08, 2011 03:10 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for lalitree     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
my 8 month old baby has a father who refused to accept his responsibility; i worry so much that she will have these issues in the future, and i feel so powerless to do anything about it.
When her father found out i was pregnant, he yelled at me and demanded that i get an abortion. The fact that he would try to tell me what to do with my own body instead of do the respectful thing and say he was there to support me in whatever happened (since it takes two to make a baby, but only one has to carry the consequences physically, you know)really got to me. He called me the day after i told him and yelled this at me without precedent, "I have no intention of hooking up with you, i was not cut out to be a father, and i'm not giving you a f***ing cent" so how did i react? by ignoring the fact that he existed. i did not want child support from him, i wanted no contact with such a disgusting self-centered being, and i wanted no shadow of this on my child. still, my friends fail to understand. they think 'i should give him what he deserves, and that i have a right to child support' it is very true, but i am not thinking of what he deserves; i just want the best for my daughter.
i hope that she will understand, but i know that warnings or stories about the past are nothing like experience. i fear that she will go looking for him sometime, or not appreciate the hardships i went through because of it. I just don't know sometimes

isn't the love of one good parent enough? if fathers chose not to be around it's because they didn't want to be. harsh but true. when someone really cares about something or someone, they do not purposely ignore or forget about them for years

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Lonake
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posted August 08, 2011 03:25 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lonake     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I can only say one thing, you may have his DNA but you are not him. And thank your lucky stars for that. It's natural to be curious about biological roots, ask adopted children, they know. I hope this doesn't play out for you romantically seeking men who will abandon you cos you are better than that. His choices don't mean that you were unworthy of his love and care. Maybe he just didn't have any to give and it's not unusual for someone to want another to feel something for them that is not there, but you have to make the distinction that it is not about you. You can have a million fantasies of how great things would be if he was back in your life but that's what they are, and if he were back, like a poster above said, the past cannot be undone.

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rajji
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Registered: Jan 2011

posted August 10, 2011 01:58 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for rajji     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I understand that it is very difficult to fill up the vaccum created by the absence of a father in the life of a child.
It is Good in a way that you dont have to give your imaginations any more fodder than you already have.
I hope that your confrontation with your dad now, made so many questions that were bottled up inside your heart,to have found a Peaceful place to rest.
You dont deserve to Prove anything to your Father(If he was one).You are happy and better off without him.
You must come to terms that the void left by your father can never be filled in your life.A few Phone calls a year and child support cannot replace the reationship that you yearn for with your father.
When I met my father after a Gap of 15-18 years I had so many expectations from him.
But he cut it short in abusive way in the end.He did'nt know how to respond even to his own daughter,making excuses and placing the blame on others.But im Happy after knowing his true self, I felt soo relieved.
But that feeling of emptiness is always there.
I was afraid of being abandoned all over again.I tried to mask my hurt with a facade of confidence and ego,But my insides were crying out.I used to cope by Holding everything in untill it went away.
But let me tell you I did not fail in trusting God to fill that void in my life.
He helped me to ignore such memories.you have to realise that it is Gods work being perfected in our life.Nothing can separate his love from Us.Try to embrace God in your life and you will be surprised to know that No Earthly Father can ever replace A Divine Father in your life If you choose him to be.

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abcd efg
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Posts: 1118
From: India
Registered: Mar 2011

posted August 10, 2011 10:21 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for abcd efg     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by rajji:
......But let me tell you I did not fail in trusting God to fill that void in my life.
He helped me to ignore such memories.you have to realise that it is Gods work being perfected in our life.Nothing can separate his love from Us.Try to embrace God in your life and you will be surprised to know that No Earthly Father can ever replace A Divine Father in your life If you choose him to be.

I found an interesting article on this. Ofcourse it is mostly sun in 12th (i had posted it on this thread too) but since it is somewhat related here i am reposting it. Some consolation, if ever it can be.
merrynjose.com

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lalitree
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Posts: 204
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Registered: Apr 2011

posted August 13, 2011 12:00 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for lalitree     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
i guess what i mean to express about this by mentioning my experience as a single mother so far is that, i wish you could look at it from the point of view of a mother who is abandoned to raise a child or children alone. if you could only see how that 'father' is indeed someone not worthy to have you feel like you need him in some way...just by really considering how he treated you or your mother it should become obvious. and yes, as someone who had an abusive and even violent father who cheated on and beat my mother, i can reasonably say many people are probably much better off for growing up without them. maybe we should focus less on them and their selfish problems and more on the mothers who have worked very hard to try to provide the best life they could for us

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juniperb
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Posts: 3462
From: Blue Star Kachina
Registered: Apr 2009

posted August 15, 2011 09:00 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for juniperb     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Kat, I know it is very hurtful for you and I extend my deepest wish`s for your healing.

There some of us who wished our fathers went away and never returned. I imagine the pain of both sides hurts as deep.

We are good strong women and we will make a good life with or without our biological fathers

hugs & keep in touch. , juni

------------------
Submit to Love without thinking, as the sun rose this morning recklessly, extinguishing our star-candled minds.

Rumi

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