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Author
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Topic: Women and respect for themselves
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teasel
Knowflake Posts: 3146
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted November 02, 2010 06:47 PM
  
quote:
LOL, cpn.
I have a dear friend, who's husband brings women home to f*ck when she is at work.
She found out by spotting strange underwear in her laundry basket on a few occasions.
When she confronted him, he said it was part of his growth and did she really expect him to sit and wank at the computer all day?
She is divorcing him now.
Oh, my goodness! IP: Logged |
cpn_edgar_winner
unregistered
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posted November 02, 2010 06:52 PM
teasel, i'm glad your mom found out before she wasted a ton of years on him. thats the biggest thing, you can get money back, but we don't get our time back, whether we waste a month or several years. there is give and take in any relationship, but give and give gets old fast.so does control, abuse, and dealing with someones insecurity which leads to that stuff. we can fix a car or animate object, but we can't fix people. IP: Logged |
AbsintheDragonfly
Knowflake Posts: 2323
From: Gaia
Registered: Apr 2010
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posted November 02, 2010 06:54 PM
 Gack.IP: Logged |
AbsintheDragonfly
Knowflake Posts: 2323
From: Gaia
Registered: Apr 2010
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posted November 02, 2010 07:08 PM
quote:
When she confronted him, he said it was part of his growth and did she really expect him to sit and wank at the computer all day?
Oh and PS this is the wrong type of growth... IP: Logged |
Azalaksh
Knowflake Posts: 988
From: New Brighton, MN, USA
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted November 02, 2010 07:17 PM
quote:
so does control, abuse, and dealing with someones insecurity which leads to that stuff. we can fix a car or animate object, but we can't fix people.
And that, my dear CPN, is where the crux lies: many women (I think subconsciously) want to FIX people that are emotionally broken or warped. They think that with enough Love, enough Attention, enough Support (emotional, physical, financial), enough (fill-in-the-blank) the man will "get better" and become the man of their dreams and start loving them the way they want to be loved, instead of them just dropping everything to make themselves available for whenever Mr. Broken Manipulator decides that he needs some feminine pulchritude, dropping their own lives and pursuits in a second to make Mr. Broken Manipulator's life a little easier.
With the tunnel-vision that this lack of self-esteem and self-respect creates, these women see only the good and ignore the bad, tiptoeing around the violent outbursts (he'll be in a better mood tomorrow) and discount the 100-ft wide red flags that are waving right in front of them.
I know, because that's a place I came from. Thank GOD and the Universe and my supportive Dad that I found the courage to get out and let Mr. Broken Manipulator solve his own problems.....IP: Logged |
katatonic
Knowflake Posts: 6984
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted November 02, 2010 07:33 PM
here it is! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I9Ldcx-M5wk&feature=related the abused woman's anthem...... not all of them expect to fix their men. they just can't bear to let them go loveless...like nancy in the song, they see the ugly side, they give themselves willingly to be punching bags, emotionally and physically, because no one else does and because it makes them "indispensable"...but not really. it is still a self-respect issue, someone who doesn't expect a good relationship will settle for what they think they can get.. it is by far better to be on your own. it is better to have to sleep on someone's couch. today we have many safety nets that make it unnecessary to sit still for such abuse, but even if they disappear, there is almost always somewhere to go. IP: Logged |
SunChild
Moderator Posts: 2416
From: Australia
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted November 02, 2010 08:24 PM
Zala, yes! Me too. I can say that was exactly it.... I even thought having a child with him would eradicate his Alter.... The side of him that I thought could heal...I was trying to fix him until I almost got myself in a life threatening situation.IP: Logged |
Azalaksh
Knowflake Posts: 988
From: New Brighton, MN, USA
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted November 02, 2010 09:05 PM
SunChild ~ {{{ hugs }}}
We are two of the lucky ones - we got out with our skins and souls intact (although I will always carry both inner and outer scars).It really is all about Power, isn't it??
Women who stay with abusive and manipulative men naively believe that they have the POWER to heal their men. And they GIVE UP their OWN POWER so that the abusive partner finally has something (someone) he can feel in control of and powerful over (ie, the abused woman). My ex felt totally at the mercy of the whims of fate (all the bad things that happened to him starting with his abused childhood). He never felt like he had control over anything that happened in his life. So controlling a strong and intelligent and financially successful woman (ie, me) was a notch on his gun - it gave him status (even if he didn't earn it himself) and a feeling of finally having power over something because he could physically subdue me with his fists  I didn't think anyone (authorities) would believe me that there was domestic violence going on and that I was a victim, unless I had black eyes and broken bones to show for it (and the ex was very careful not to hurt me in places that showed) - but I was pleasantly surprised and relieved when I had no trouble taking out a restraining order after the time he held a gun to my head and told me to kiss my pissy-a$$ little life goodbye (obviously he didn't pull the trigger). There were the times I got a call at work from the ex, "I need you to come home, I just cut my wrists, I'm ending it all." And I would make some excuse at work and then fly home to "rescue" him :-\ These people are broken. They may be champion manipulators with whatever disorder name you want to attach to it, but they are broken and WILL NOT make an effort to heal themselves - that's somebody else's job and somebody else's fault that they're the way they are - just like taking care of their physical needs like food and shelter is somebody else's job. My ex refused to seek any job that wasn't under the table, or the state would garnish his wages to pay past child support obligations to his first wife. It was MY job to support us. Then when his teenage daughter moved in because his ex told him HE needed to take care of her for awhile, I would come home from work to find BOTH of them on the couch snacking in their jammies, watching TV, while there was a mountain of dishes in the sink and the house was a wreck.
When I would sit down next to the ex on the couch some nights, trying to be sympathetic and share his burden or his thoughts, and ask, "What's wrong honey, do you want to talk?" I would hear, "Get out of my face before I pop you one." So much for empathy.
All the love that I ever felt for that man was drained slowly away on a daily basis by disrespectful, physically and emotionally abusive treatment - finally there was nothing left. The day after the gun incident, I called the police, told them what happened, gave them my house key and they went and picked him up. He called me from jail, and with a voice suffused with wonder, he said, "I see now - I've hurt you, and I've done it over and over again. I'm so sorry baby, it'll never happen again."
But I wasn't listening, and I packed up the house and the baby and the cats, left his belongings for his father and brother to deal with, and drove 1800 miles across the country with a U-Haul to a new job.
I made a new life, a good life - even though my son is minus a father. I made it out. And any of you who are reading this, who are still in an abusive situation, can make it out too!! There are resources everywhere, and there is a resource right here at this forum: all the OTHER members besides me and SunChild who had the courage to gather up our shattered self-esteem, stop being a martyr to the cause and worshipping at the altar of a megalomaniac, and make our lives into something GOOD where we attracted souls who were NOT parasitical Broken Manipulators. IP: Logged |
charmainec
Moderator Posts: 3015
From: Venus next to Randall
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted November 03, 2010 10:12 AM
Enet stalking is just as bad.The ones that prey on women online. ------------------
quote:
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies with in us."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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AbsintheDragonfly
Knowflake Posts: 2323
From: Gaia
Registered: Apr 2010
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posted November 03, 2010 10:23 AM
I HATE THOSE JERKS!That's actually worse, because they may portray themselves any way they want. Luckily Google has a long memory...You can find out most anything out about someone's online "personality" if you google it. Emotional abuse of a human being is the lowest one can go. Those wounds take a long long time to heal. And another thing, don't think because you're on a metaphysical site, you can't run into a abuser here. IP: Logged |
SunChild
Moderator Posts: 2416
From: Australia
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted November 03, 2010 05:17 PM
Well said Zala (((  )))Same incident happened to me but with a knife.
Got to tell you, I never felt more fear in my life. It was the most morbid fear, he had military training so he knew how to make it a horrible experience. I was convinced it was all over.... I still carry scars from that but it gave me the final push to call the police on him. Yes anyone can make it out! Just have to pack a bag, force yourself out the door, and don't be embarrassed to ask for help, (((just tell someone!))) Because once you tell someone there's no going back! Support is so important, it will stop you running back to him through guilt. I felt guilt for a very long time, I would wake up at night writhing in emotional pain for him, crying for him, but because I was living with two support people who were there to protect me, I was not allowed to contact him and it made all the difference- Once he called me from the railway tracks as an express train was on its way to run him over, it was very difficult to not be able to 'save' him. He's still alive and have not had contact for over 7 months now- longest ever! I still have an empathetic bond but I'm trying to break it. But I made it out too, in peices though lol... but I have the life I deserve now. 
IP: Logged |
teasel
Knowflake Posts: 3146
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted November 03, 2010 05:36 PM
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teasel
Knowflake Posts: 3146
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted November 03, 2010 05:39 PM
I remember Zala and SunChild talking about this in the past, and I'm glad you both got out of there.I watched something on Lifetime, a few years ago, about women in abusive relationships. Most of them went back to the husbands who were ready to kill them. IP: Logged |
Unmoved
Knowflake Posts: 2196
From:
Registered: May 2009
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posted November 03, 2010 05:52 PM
 Thank you for speaking out and sharing your experiences. You are amazingly strong to have got out of such trying circumstances. Because of people like you and threads like these, I can anticipate abusive partners before it gets ugly and get out. I've never been in an abusive relationship for precisely this reason, people who speak and create awareness about such issues. Thank you, ladies. Due to witnessing abusive relationships, I decided long time ago that I would rather be alone than be unhappy in a relationship. I was able to be this bold due to you ladies that speak out. To speak out is to prevent more harm from being done. Silence is pretty much taking part in the abuse. So, I'm very grateful for women like you who have prevented me from being in situations like yours. A heartfelt thanks, Unmoved. IP: Logged |
PlutoSquared
Knowflake Posts: 4500
From: Mars
Registered: Aug 2010
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posted November 03, 2010 06:20 PM
CPN,I have definitely seen that... men who mooch off of stable women... they also tend to cheat on the side, too. It's really strange. IP: Logged |
AbsintheDragonfly
Knowflake Posts: 2323
From: Gaia
Registered: Apr 2010
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posted November 03, 2010 07:29 PM
Unmoved you are so right, and I thank you for bringing this up.Zala, Teasel, Sunchild, and anyone else, bless you dear ones. IP: Logged |
katatonic
Knowflake Posts: 6984
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted November 03, 2010 08:21 PM
i had my sister for an example. she married what seemed like a nice guy who started drinking a little while into the marriage. he was only mildly surly and a little self-centered when sober, but when drunk he pushed her around, punched her, threw her down a flight of stairs while she was pregnant (she miscarried), held a knife to her throat, and basically had her feeling suicidal. she couldn't figure any other way out...until the day he picked up her oldest child (2 or so at the time) and threw him across the room in a fit of anger. child was unhurt (landed on a bed) but frightened and she realized that it was not just her who was in danger.next morning when he went to work she packed up the car and headed west, just like zala. she drove until she ran out of money and that was 2500 miles from home. said ex went to jail for attempted murder of someone else, did his time and got sober FOR 25 YEARS and struck up a long distance relationship with his daughter, who even went to stay with him for a few months at one point. at the end of the 25 years he started drinking again, harassing the daughter and asking if he could come stay with her until he got back on his feet. the moral: getting out and NOT GOING BACK is the only answer once you have been in this place. whether it is the combination of your energies/programs/charts, or just him, don't EVER expect him to change. even though some DO, it is way too risky a gamble. IP: Logged |
T
Knowflake Posts: 3521
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted November 04, 2010 05:50 PM
All of you are so strong. *edited out. I don't feel comfortable getting personal here. IP: Logged |
T
Knowflake Posts: 3521
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted November 04, 2010 06:15 PM
*IP: Logged |
T
Knowflake Posts: 3521
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted November 04, 2010 06:20 PM
*IP: Logged |
teasel
Knowflake Posts: 3146
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted November 04, 2010 06:30 PM
I've pretty much felt that way all year. I know (or should say that I'm pretty sure) they aren't all pigs - going by my Dad and several other guys that I can think of, but so many of them don't seem to have any real respect for women or relationships anymore. A lot of them *do* seem like pigs - one in particular that I knew, and wrote about above (I got off lucky there, and it was probably a good thing for me, what happened, but it all feels like some cruel joke from the Universe/whatever higher power is supposed to be up there). *edit. I'd thought that maybe my experience wasn't typical - the way guys I've encountered at times, especially over the past year, have just confirmed my fears where men are concerned, leaving me feeling really disappointed in the opposite sex. It's brought in the same old wariness that I grew up with (due to my mother's experiences, and my experiences with her boyfriends, including the violence, finding out that one raped her, the sociopath who messed us all up, etc.. ). I think I'm better off alone, too. IP: Logged |
teasel
Knowflake Posts: 3146
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted November 04, 2010 06:34 PM
Oh, and vent away. You aren't off-topic, you're venting about douchebags and standing up for yourself: showing respect for yourself and your own wants and needs.I don't know why it is that so many older men hit on the girls who are twenty/thirty years younger than them, ignoring the beautiful women around them, of their own ages. (My dad isn't that way, luckily - he's told me that my mother expressed surprise over the fact that he still chases her around, the way he used to; he said that he'd never said anything about - or thought - that the aging process would change anything between them, or his feelings about her. ) IP: Logged |
T
Knowflake Posts: 3521
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted November 04, 2010 06:39 PM
Teasel, thank you be back in a few....IP: Logged |
PlutoSquared
Knowflake Posts: 4500
From: Mars
Registered: Aug 2010
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posted November 04, 2010 06:49 PM
T,And it might sound negative, but I'm really okay and comfortable with that. I've had enough, I'm tired, I'm not going there anymore. It all ends up the same, so I'm not playing the game. I'm just going by what's been proven to me over and over again since I was young and staying away from most, or not getting to close to anyone ever again. I'm okay with that. I can't be hurt again, I really can't or dont have it in me anymore. This last episode has taken just about everything out of me and I'm in protection mode and will be for at least a very long time. No more trauma or drama. I completely feel the same way. I'm out. It's time to raise my kids, time to enjoy the simple pleasures of life and salvage whatever peace is left in my life. I don't want to sound negative, either. But, I'm not looking and feel like I will be this way for years (if not the rest of my life). I have myself listed on my Facebook page as "in a relationship" with MYSELF... haha. A lot of "friends" that I have (male) that are married, have propositioned me for sex, and knowing that these men are in relationships that are seemingly nice and perfect on the surface, makes me feel really sick for the women (the wives). I do not flirt and encourage this behavior - these are bold, direct and out of the blue propositions. The boldness is what's so shocking. A friend of mine was pregnant with what she thought was her and her husband's first child together. 3 months into her pregnancy, she gets a call from another woman... long story short, her husband had another woman 6 months pregnant - at the same time!!! I don't know if these defects in character have always been around, but for me, it's all or nothing. If I can't have real love with true commitment (one without violence, infidelities, disease, conflict, etc...) I don't want it, at all... Last thing I would need is to be married, and pick up a STD from a cheating spouse. That would be the last shred of my heart, lost. Have you seen the ladies on talk shows that are HIV positive, picking this disease up while in a "committed relationship"? Dating is NO GAME, anymore. In many ways it's life or death. That may seem "overly serious" but, it's the darn truth. And, I'll take the truth any day over the alternative. ------------------
A prayer for the wild at heart, kept in cages. - Tennessee Williams IP: Logged |
cpn_edgar_winner
unregistered
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posted November 04, 2010 07:27 PM
t- men are never going to leave you alone because you are very stunning and beautiful, no makeup, sweatpants and mis matched socks and you are still more beautiful on accident than most women on purpose. tell them to f off if they give you a bad vibe. you are one tough cookie and smart and strong, don't you ever forget it.love should make a person feel secure and safe and accepted and appreciated for who you are. the face of hate or the opposite of that is a very ugly thing... i think you have to love yourself to know you deserve good things and then good things can come. IP: Logged | |
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