posted October 06, 2011 08:04 PM            

He broke up with me, I know what I did was extremely wrong and breaking up with me was the right thing to do, because if it had been reverse I would of done the same thing.

No one deserves that and there's no excuses i.e. I'm young,naive, or insecure.. and I don't even want to be forgiven by him or God, I feel like I don't even deserve forgiveness for something so vile.

Actually I don't even think I can forgive myself..

Right now I feel disgusted with myself..

I just feel like I don't even deserve to be happy or move on, I hurt someone who deeply cared about me, because I was selfish.

My family and friends are very concerned for me, because I'm not doing so well, the truth is I am punishing myself and I don't feel like I should or even want to let up "on" myself.

It just sounds so wrong to forgive or even care about myself for something like that.

And no I don't think I should have just kept it to myself( some of my friends suggested I should not tell him the truth), if I was going to feel like this afterwards, because it's not about me and how crappy I was going to feel if he wanted to break up, it's about being honest with someone with a very kind heart who doesn't deserve that..who deserves the best.

posted October 06, 2011 08:44 PM            

I'm 20 and he is 21 and we were on and off again high school sweethearts and after I had graduated high school and went into my first year of college we decided to make it official and he moved in with me.

He wanted to settled down with me, but I told him we need to get ourselves "sorted" out and he understood this and decided to sort out his life; he never graduated high school, he did not have a job at that time, he did not know how to drive,he has a serious heart condition and was applying for disability, and he was trying to come off some sort of addiction to pot and alcohol(he was a party kid in our high school years)

But despite that he was a really loving, caring, and a gentle man and I believed in him and supported him. I taught him how to drive, we looked for G.E.D classes, he stopped using pot and weened himself off alcohol and in return he was very supportive of my studies and did his best to understand my Bipolar Disorder and even went to therapy sessions with me.

Then He had to take care of some family and medical business in Vegas in May, he was suppose to come back in August, but his return date kept being pushed back and I waited..I waited..

Then in June I did the unthinkable and I told him, I needed to tell him, not only was he was my lover he was like my best friend and I couldn't lie to him..actually I can't lie to him about anything..

I know most of that was irrelevant, but it hurts so bad because I feel so angry with myself right now..

posted October 07, 2011 01:56 AM            

I understand completely your story, and empathize with your process. It will take as long as it takes to mourn the loss of your relationship.

From everything you've disclosed, if/when you are able to step back a bit from the intensity of your emotion -- read what you've written again. It seems as an objective party here, that despite the connection/history you two shared, your paths were diverging, and you knew this in your heart of hearts. He, it seems, knew this too. With Saturn in Libra right now, we are all going through relationship lessons which are karmic in nature. You will learn so much from this misstep, and carry this lesson forward. As annoying as it is to hear it -- and as much as I hate to trivialize your experience (not my intention) -- you are only 20/21, and in your fresh/soph year of college. Now is definitely the time for you to explore yourself in relation to others -- and the cost that comes at is certainly letting go of the comfort, familiarity, and safety of your long-term relationship with your ex.

It's most unfortunate that the ending of the relationship was necessary to manifest in such a way that you now feel so awful about yourself - as well, you are experiencing those pangs of loved loss which make us feel everything was perfect. Perhaps, it was necessary, on a subconscious level, for you to burn this bridge so that you could move forward? Sometimes, there are lovers whose security we long for so much, that, although we know it's in our Higher interest to move forward alone, we will stay with them. This choice of yours certainly forces your Higher Interests' interests...

Anyways, I've been verbose -- I'm sorry, being succinct has never been a strong point. Being compassionate always is. Have compassion for your youthful heart. Read your own words again when you have some distance from the intensity of your emotions. In the meantime, as much as possible - be a friend to yourself: try not to judge yourself so harshly.

posted October 09, 2011 01:12 AM            

I'm sorry you are beating yourself up over this and I know you understand that you hurt someone that you care deeply about. I also believe that a person would only cheat if they (even if they didn't admit it or it was subconscious) did not believe they would be with that person in the long run.

I know that isn't an excuse, but think about it. If you were terribly in love with him and saw yourself with him forever, would you have done it? I know I crossed the line in my past but I also knew that I never could have been with that person. Fast forward to the present. I've been with my husband for over 5 years and never thought of crossing that line. A night with someone isn't worth what I would lose nor would it be satisfying because that person is not my husband.

posted October 09, 2011 03:26 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Maka:
Thanks everyone for the advice, I'm going to take this time to understand myself better, I think I need to understand who I am and what I want to do first in my own life before I can share it with another person.

I'll be back to update every now and then~

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posted October 14, 2011 08:31 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Maka:
My ex ripped me a new a-hole via e-mail..

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