posted November 06, 2011 06:25 AM            

then suddenly, i stood up like i was moved by an external force and went to knock on his door, and apologised him!

this made it really obvious to him that there was no reason for ME to apologise, and he quickly apologised for his reactions.

see... he's not crazy, he's just confused and lost. i need to be there to be his guide, as he is there for me as my guide from time to time.

posted November 06, 2011 06:32 AM            

i have been working with myself for some months now, trying to remove blockades and traumas and free myself. it's been a very slow and frustrating progress. and i just realised that this must be a sign that i have learnt and grown, and these old friends and acquaintances are just staying where they are, behind me. i'm not saying they are less than me or anything, it's not relative that way. it's just this is my journey and they have their journeys and i should only care about the people who's paths overlap with mine and help me grow, and perhaps i am helping them grow too.

posted November 07, 2011 09:23 AM            

what's really sad is that whenever something gets brought up, he reveals his cynical and cross side. he firmly believes that the situations and people brought him down, and prevented him from getting out of the rut. he claims "only if they left me alone, i would not be where i am now, i, who gave everything, have to demand my right to existence, how ironic is that?"

he is so bitter. it's impossible to reason with someone like this. this is why he has a hard time apologising, and while i want to be understanding i do have to stand up for myself. but then he flips out, "apology? are you blind? we might become homeless tomorrow, why don't you care, this is so unimportant, stop all the drama, i need to work but whenever you do this it just exhausts me, why can't you just let me work so i can get out of this prison?" yes he's had a share of intolerance and bad luck. it was incredible how disasters unfolded. and because he has to "care for me and worry about me", he cannot get his life straight.

i think if i left him, he WILL pick up. and in the end he may be content that he was right. but it's really just his dependence. he WILL pick up because he will suddenly feel scared that i'm not around and feel that he has to do something so not to be left alone. he has made wrong choices because he wanted to stay in his comfort zones and avoided drastic changes and responsibilities, and subconsciously hoped for external forces to change his circumstances, but they all backfired. he does desire the change and release from the constant fear of eviction etc, but other people's interference give him the excuse for all the delay. it's his weakness, not other people.

i'm not sure if he'll ever wake up. but i have a feeling that deep down he knows it. he's a wonderful being. maybe someday, when everything is good and he is happy, i can talk to him about it. but it'll be tricky, his pride will be upset to be told that. but if he can really face this and take the responsibility to admit his mistakes, he'll realise how much he let me down. i'm flawed too, but i work on challenging myself, for myself and for us. but he says to me "it's good that you try to improve yourself. but you don't have to do it for ME, just think about yourself" he's not at all a spiritual person, he doesn't see how it works, and just feel burdened by my efforts.

sometimes i wish i didn't know him so well...