posted November 03, 2011 07:13 PM            

how would you take it?

i do not expect everything from everyone, especially the ones who are not close enough to explain the complicated private stuff to. but i don't need these people who, without meaning to, bring me down when i am struggling. but of course they wouldn't know, and in return it's myself who's feeling guilty after all.

i've never been a socially shallow & wide type of person, but i did meet many people in my life. now that i cannot commit to my social life, i don't want them anymore, because i only feel pressured that they'd judge me (i know i shouldn't!). but otherwise it leaves me with just 1 or 2 friends. and i have no family.

posted November 03, 2011 07:43 PM            

I'm sorry about your troubles, for what it's worth.

Everyone is different, I don't know how long it will take for you to cope.

posted November 04, 2011 06:44 AM            

LEXX, yes of course you make sense. i see what you mean by when it's with close people. i guess i just don't have many close people at all, so it doesn't happen to me much.

i just feel like these things make me doubt everyone eventually. there was something i never said to anyone about my old job (writer), but mentioned it to one person because all this time i trusted this writer has some senses. but it turned out he didn't, he said something ignorantly insensitive and i felt really hurt. i wrote a quick and short explanation about what he didn't know, but no reply. so, i always thought he was someone who had the potential to become one of my closer friends, from a casual pal. i feel so hurt that i checked him off the "list" of friends mentally. i'm now really self-conscious that he probably thinks i'm emotional and bothersome.

i feel like i'm over-reacting, and this is just one incident. since a while now, i started feeling unsure about how close my friends actually are. when i'm going through hardships, are they absent because they care and don't want to burden me, or they forget me because i am absent? see, i eventually started hating everyone this way.

but then, i have a girlfriend and we didn't talk for a several months. a couple of weeks ago, i realised that she was leaving me alone because she cared about me and was giving me space.

i think i'm really thinking and analysing too much. i used to have many friends. a few of them were very close to me but they cheated and took money from me etc, so they were fake. i just wonder sometimes, did i EVER have any friends, at all? what's the definition of friends anyway... surely not everyone can be best friends. what's the "average" friends like, can i call people who don't care, but who don't steal from me either, as friends?

posted November 04, 2011 10:20 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by lechien:
I want to scream out loud, "people are garbage!!"

---

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catharsis

Catharsis is a Greek word meaning "cleansing" or "purging". It is derived from kathairein, "to purify, purge," and it is related to the adjective katharos, "pure or clean."

posted November 04, 2011 10:24 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Mblake81:
Been there/I'm there, I know the sound of the meat grinder all too well.

I'm sorry about your troubles, for what it's worth.

Everyone is different, I don't know how long it will take for you to cope.

I hope you can cope.

---

posted November 04, 2011 10:54 AM            

Thats my jupiter talking.

Do you not have a hand that jerks you back from falling over the edge?

*Don't take it literal*

posted November 04, 2011 12:02 PM            

you know when, one day you wake up in the morning and suddenly get the spark of energy, after months of feeling down because people let you down beyond your normal limit, or whatever. so it's like, "now is the time! i'm going to pick myself up and leave all this behind!" and right off, something bad happens or unpleasant news or just something that breaks your will interferes... and it just keeps happening, like the universe is mocking.

i was chatting with my auntie, who is the only "sane" family member and the only one who keeps in contact and actually care about me (ironically she is considered a trivial loser). a few weeks ago, my grandma was hospitalised and they found out she has a terminal cancer and is slowly going to be weaker and go in a few months... because she is very old and not showing any visible symptoms, they decided not to tell her and let her live as long as she can just as she has, at her elderly home where they treat her like she is real family... (it's a good thing she isn't staying with the real family, really)

she has been often described as callous, rude, pompous and insensitive. but what i admire her right now is her will to live. the doctors are astonished that she is still not having any pain and just thriving at this advanced stage of the illness. she says that she has to toughen up and try to be more independent. although she's getting weaker and she thinks it's just the age, she's still going strong and not doubting a second that she is going to go on living...

i think, the fact that she is not strangely sensitive has helped her live till an old age, and it's even overwhelming the symptoms of the illness. i want to be like her. i never thought like this, but how ironic that i see this now?

posted November 04, 2011 01:10 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by lechien:
i don't like to be a hater, and it almost feels like a "trap".

---

posted November 04, 2011 01:21 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by lechien:
"most innocent and genuine gets the bad end of everything" phenomenon. that's a victim mentality and it drives me mad that it crosses my mind!

---

Yeah, like a big plate of spaghetti. Eat Up

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ouroboros

The Ouroboros is an ancient symbol depicting a serpent or dragon eating its own tail.

posted November 05, 2011 03:42 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Mblake81:
Yikes, optimism helps.

Thats my jupiter talking.

Do you not have a hand that jerks you back from falling over the edge?

*Don't take it literal*

---

Dear Friends of mine,
Thanks fo taking me for such awesome rides!Will never forget them.
Not yet ready for another one yet!

*Snip*

posted November 05, 2011 09:35 AM            

he doesn't know how to say sorry. last night he made a stupid joke that was not funny, and hurtful, when i was already very vulnerable. i was SO shocked, i barely could say "that isn't funny" and walked away and shut my door. i heard him say "oops that was a stupid joke!" but he kept eating his dinner and watched TV, and only after like 10 minutes, he came to knock the door. seriously, i could not just let him in, i wasn't being mean or stubborn, i felt so devastated and couldn't face him. but i tried to calm myself and could bring myself to imagine going to him and apologising for being hurt so easily.

today, i woke up (we sleep in different rooms), and his door was closed and because i didn't want to play this game, it was ME who went to knock on his door. he was all like "yeeees what now?"

it flared up as something bigger than the joke itself when i started explaining why i was already vulnerable, but soon i tried to focus on how all i needed was a sincere apology.

but EVERY TIME, he responds me with "that kind of joke is never what i would normally say!""i tried to apologise but you didn't open the door!""I am always feeling sorry anyway!"

then he said at one point, mockingly, "weeell I.am.sorry.I.said.something.stoopid".

i said, "no, an apology is when you look into the person's eyes and express your regret"

then he starts all over again with the argument which involves all the terrible things that's brought us down to the hardships of the last 3 years. and then again, "i already apologised, I.am.sorry.I.said.something.stoopid! what more do you want!"

i feel like my heart is breaking... i know he sounds very immature and dumb, but this is because of all the problems in his life and his neurosis. he needs to defend himself, and probably cannot see what he's saying with the rational mind. then i said, "why do you feel the need to defend yourself, i'm not accusing" then he goes on with "DEFEND? i have nothing to lose anyway anymore!" and just the whole thing slides off to a completely different direction. and he does not notice all the out-of-context things being brought up this way, and says that i make a huge deal and drama out of everything.

and i know he's going to drink himself to sleep later and be completely "disabled" in the next coming days, and lament he got nothing done to get himself out of the rut again. he IS doing what he can to save himself. but he gets interrupted by things like this, and other people and situations. honestly, things have been very unfair for him and he got trapped in a certain way of thinking. BUT he really tries, usually he acts optimistic and be hopeful, but he's so destroyed inside. but i cannot help feeling that part of what's making things worse is how he deals with the things he doesn't want...

it's NEVER possible for him to just say, "it was not nice, i'm sorry". he doesn't understand that if he could say this, nothing more would come out of it and turn into a big drama. he fights back every statement with "reasons". in fact, he is convinced it's me who brings in the drama. he feels the strong urge to justify himself in order to protect himself, he believes it's his "right". i cannot help feeling just hurt by this, when someone puts himself above the person he hurt... that's tough, although i know so well that he DOES need to put himself before anyone else at the moment, in fact he really should. but he fails to realise this is NOT where he has to apply it, it's the opposite of helpful. after the initial argument i went back to my room, then he came and "declared" to me, "look, i JUST cannot take this sort of things anymore, i'm so full with my own pain and problems, you have to take it to someone else or deal with your own problems yourself!" he says if no one came to "bother him", he would be accomplishing much more.

i really didn't know what to say. i just said "if everyone in the world knew how to say sorry and hugged, it'd be a perfect place" and told him to leave. i don't think anything i said sank into his heart. he is a very intelligent and rational man. but the destructions in his body and mind from the hardships in life is turning him into a crazy, irrational monster. he DOES realise it himself as a general effect, but he cannot see the details. he said these things are trivial and what's important is that we get out of the hardships. i said that's like forcing the car to drive without any air in the tire. he then actually said "yes that's what we have to do". i said, "but you just have to inflate the tire (apologies) and it'll go faster and smoother, and won't cause more problems". then he said "GOD, don't you SEE it!? there is NO time left for us to stop and inflate the stupid tire!"

sorry for the loooong rant...!!! i feel like my heart is bleeding right now and couldn't contain it. this is really hard... i know he is not like this. i'll regret it so much if i abandon him now for the circumstances. he's my soul mate. and i know when he comes to his senses one day, he will see how he was behaving... i hope. (although i might have to give a little push to make him apologise. )

posted November 05, 2011 10:50 AM            

Hope you feel better soon. {{{hugs}}}

posted November 05, 2011 12:08 PM            

he does apologise sometimes, he's aware that he's reacting irrationally because he is tormented of his own problems and pain. but he cannot really understand why he's apologising. so it happens again and again. i'm doing therapies and trying to make improvements from within, so i can make differences in the materials world. he is just trying to force the broken rusty car with deflated tires to move. he feels like i'm sitting in this car. i'm getting tired of having faith in him, not because he is a bad guy but he is just blind and doing what doesn't really work, and convinced that things don't improve because everything else is interrupting him, including me. i don't know if this is female/male difference, but i think oiling the car and putting air in tire is more important than trying to drag the broken car to the destination, not matter how pressed in time we are. he says we are a team, we'll get out together. but completely ditches the teamwork part. i can only shake head...

i do need distance from him, but it's the same like you, we cannot have separate living situations at the moment. i'm trying to focus on my own things, but living together and when i'm having a hard time myself, it's bound to happen that our narrow paths collide. but when they do, why can't we be civil and say "excuse me, you first"? why is it so hard...?

it's probably also to do with the fact i don't have anyone to talk to. i see we are in a bit similar situation in this regard, it's hard to talk about certain things just with everybody.

posted November 05, 2011 12:42 PM            

omg, how can someone be this twisted, self-absorbed, pompous and insensitive!?

i'm starting to feel more and more that deep within, he's blaming everyone and everything else and that's why he cannot get out of his rut. i generally let him be and mind his own business, but maybe i should really ditch him and leave the "team".