posted October 22, 2012 01:25 PM            

I'm not sure i would think it a character flaw.

What if he wasn't equipped to be a father? There are all sorts of scenarios and none of which i would think about too long because if i'm getting involved in a relationship, i'm greatly doing it for me and my benefit. It doesn't compute that i would sort of martyr domestic happiness for morality.

I do get that some of it comes with territory. It's just that my territory is so incompatible with the other, though.

I could make the effort and i'm good when i want to do something but it wouldn't be fundamentally me. And i would not like myself for changing to accompdate it.

I have no interest in having my happiness or worth being invested ornreflected by a kid.

posted October 22, 2012 01:28 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by C1ND3R:
thank you, cappy.

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posted October 22, 2012 02:31 PM            

I was WELL over my daughter's father. I was never in love with him. We get along insofar as I am afraid of him and have let him rule my actions for three years. Hence the "easy/family" relationship I got myself into finally. He approved of it/him. He "allowed" it.

No more.

I can't tell you the emotional rollercoaster I have been on in the past 4 years. It's a drama festival for another day.

posted October 22, 2012 04:57 PM            

She is a kid and please dont think kids dont have their own opinions on who their parents date...

posted October 22, 2012 06:26 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by cappy1277:
I think it could be a character flaw if in the situation he just does what you ask him to do, like put the child up for adoption. I am just going off what you had posted- It sounded really harsh to say and some people probably fell out their chair when they read it...lol. But that would not be a healthy way to start a relationship.

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The honesty is refreshing if jolting, but she did say "just out of curiosity," not like she was trying to find a single dad to make him get rid of his kids.

And if this hypothetical dad did get rid of his kids for her then aren't they better off anyway? The kids probably already knew how little they mattered to him in the first place.

Of course I'd hold anyone who got rid of kids as beneath contempt, and anyone who offered to get rid of their kids to win my favor would never get a kind word or glance from me again. That aside, refusing the obligation of kids in the first place (as opposed to abandoning such an obligation or making someone else do so) is a completely different matter and kudos for those who realize kids aren't for them and remain child free (a favor to their would-be children and everyone else as well as to themselves)...and we've got far too many people in the world as it is.

posted October 22, 2012 11:21 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by PixieJane:
The honesty is refreshing if jolting, but she did say "just out of curiosity," not like she was trying to find a single dad to make him get rid of his kids.

And if this hypothetical dad did get rid of his kids for her then aren't they better off anyway? The kids probably already knew how little they mattered to him in the first place.

Of course I'd hold anyone who got rid of kids as beneath contempt, and anyone who offered to get rid of their kids to win my favor would never get a kind word or glance from me again. That aside, refusing the obligation of kids in the first place (as opposed to abandoning such an obligation or making someone else do so) is a completely different matter and kudos for those who realize kids aren't for them and remain child free (a favor to their would-be children and everyone else as well as to themselves)...and we've got far too many people in the world as it is.

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Once again, kudos to you PixieJane =) I love the way you express your thoughts in writing. I wish my thoughts would come across as clear, but alas having a natal Mercury Rx in the 12th doesn't help. Sometimes I wonder if my thoughts are expressed well enough for the messages to be clear =)

Anyways, I am really enjoying this thread and am glad for all the different views. I was a single mother myself in the years following my first divorce (a very violent and torrid experience) and current marriage.

Like all of you, I was also not looking for a replacement father for my children. If anything, the trauma of experiencing domestic violence soured me to the idea of marrying again. It is truly a miracle that I did take the plunge again, and even now my soul is very cautious towards any red flags.

When my now hubby and I met and dated, it took me a long time to bring him around my kids. Our relationship took off very fast on a serious note (lots of Saturn/Pluto) which scared me senseless. Despite the seriousness of our feelings, I kept him away from the kids and would see him only at work or occasional dates.

I had seriously vowed at the age of 21, to never ever marry again. I was determined to not go through the risk of getting hurt, and worse to bring hurt to my children. The father of my children had to leave the country out of a very bad judgement, and I didn't want them to feel attachment and loss all over again.

Eventually, of course the children had to meet my husband as he was determined to stay =) We were engaged for a little over three years before getting married, and even then I was a little afraid.

Defense mechanisms remained in place, and I made sure to have my financial security in place just in case. I wanted (and still do) to have security for my children alone, that way we'd be ok in case of separation/divorce.

My ex spouse nearly ruined me financially, as I was a total young housewife who depended on him for all our needs. I never wanted to be in such a vulnerable place again. ever. I put myself through school and obtained a good position in my professional field. I pulled us out of poverty and bought us our home. While a divorce/separation would hurt and put a dent on our finances, we would be fine and not as it was the first time.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that not all single parents delude themselves into the fantasy of being rescued, or of replacing one person for another. Some of us have been through really bad experiences, which made us stronger and more thoughtful in our choices.

I think people who wish to be rescued are not taking responsibility for their own lives, and in a sense wish to dump the consequences of their choices (kids) onto someone else.

My husband is a very good father to our child in common, and stepfather to my older two children. Despite the awfulness of my relationship with their dad and distance, the kids do communicate with him and have always known he is their father.

My husband respects this, and is content with the roles we all have as a blended family. It is a balancing act and not at all easy, which is why I give anyone kudos for being aware if they are not willing to go down this route.

C1ND3R, I am very sorry that some people give others a hard time for not wishing to have children. Not everyone enjoys children, or some do enjoy them but do not wish for the sacrifice/burden/stress.

I sincerely admire that you are following your own path and being true to yourself =) Always stay true to your inner self, because you are right, resenting your choices or children is a loss for everyone.

My siblings are in their late twenties, and choose to be single for now and enjoy dating life and travelling. Despite being professionals with graduate and law school honors, our family/friends many times call them failures...because they are single, the view is that they are spinsters ):

I'm greatly disturbed and hurt by people who negatively judge others (especially women, for not opting for marriage/children. A woman or man's value should not be measured by their reproductive and romantic milestones. We are our independent selves first, and to base our values on having children/marriage is in a way expressing we are incomplete alone.

In regards to the adoption statement, it is good you are being honest about how you feel. From my own perspective, I'd rather avoid dating a man with kids all together in this situation.

If a man did put his child up for adoption or gave him/her to the mother, I'd always be wary of his commitment and love. Why? Well, I'd feel that if he cast aside his own flesh/blood, what treatment could I expect? I'd also feel that he is selfish and cold, not living up to his responsibilities and he'd probably always resent me for putting him in that place.

The last point I'd like to mention is that issues with children do not alleviate once they are grown. Your children will always be yours no matter their age. While the challenges are different when they are adults, stresses and complications do remain.

My husband's parents are divorced, and he has the hardest time bonding with them. Both have remarried, and the father's spouse is very pushy and driven towards being accepted in a maternal role. We all dislike this very much but have no choice but to deal with her in as civil way possible.

posted October 23, 2012 03:56 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by PhoenixFire:
I guess what I'm trying to say is that not all single parents delude themselves into the fantasy of being rescued, or of replacing one person for another. Some of us have been through really bad experiences, which made us stronger and more thoughtful in our choices

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I know what you mean...I didn't take the same path you did, but I wound up in pretty much the same place.

Just in case you haven't heard it I thought I'd let you know about this song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

posted October 23, 2012 06:40 AM            

Yeah, it sounds like it's time for a major talk with him.

He and the kids are lucky to have you in their lives. Get your thoughts in order (not that they arent already, but how you think you could best present them to him) and figure out exactly how you'd like things to change and talk to him about it.

posted October 23, 2012 09:09 AM            

We have had a few talks already, and mainly I expressed how I feel i.e. things are not as expected and he said "I'm the same person I was before" and I said "you're right, I guess I just projected a lot of what I WANTED you to be on you, and that's not how you really are." I'm not really mad at him, or myself, just let down.

But, I'm also not one that thinks people should change who they are to make another person happy. If you are not happy with somebody as they are (not including little compromises) then it's not going to work.

posted October 23, 2012 10:42 AM            

I'm with you, feel if you are very unhappy and no longer see a purpose to being together than things will probably not improve. If you both still love each other and feel a purpose to stay together, there is hope. The choice is to be a major one either way, I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.

I'm a little concerned over what sounds like he isn't willingly to compromise? Is his attitude one of this is how you met me so deal w it? Or is he surprised but not sure how to fix things? Do you have challenges expressing your needs/wants? Maybe counseling would help?

posted October 23, 2012 12:52 PM            

They also both have a history of mental illness, which he never told me about, I found his depression and anti anxiety meds. He also fabricated a story about his days in the military, and his potential windfall of money based on this fake story.

There have been a lot of things that were red flags. I just ignored them.

I don't hate him, he is a good person, just has a LOT of things he still needs to work through for himself and his kids. He doesn't need a replacement mommy right now. He needs to be where I am, okay alone and perfectly capable to handle things for them alone.

posted October 25, 2012 06:41 PM            

Just don't call innocent children names and degrade by calling them smelly or noisy. You know what? Pets are even more noisy and smelly. Show me a cat's poop that doesn't stink or tell me that picking up dig diarhrrea isn't gross. How is that different from changing a diaper?

Get it on with whatever man you like. Make your choices but don't take out your dislike for children in the form of blatant hatred.

I'll keep my other opinions to myself for now, even though you women can so freely and openly share yours without repurcussions.

posted October 25, 2012 07:35 PM            

quote:

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It's perfectly fine and honorable not to like children or choose not to want children. That's your prerogative.

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I give a lot of respect to a woman who is self aware enough to understand their having children is not a positive thing for them.

posted October 25, 2012 07:51 PM            

Once I bring someone into my family life they are in the hub, they are important, equal, and share it all... the family, love, etc. That's why I'm slow on that front.

quote:

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Originally posted by C1ND3R:
In contrast, i wonder how guys dating single mom's handle a similar situation... Whereas i think it would be typical of single mom's to try to find dad's for their kids and some might push a new dad on their kid, would a single man with a kid do the same when he's single and dating? I don't know if there would be a more loyal sex to their kin or to the relationship... I'd like to read a bit about this.

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