posted November 18, 2012 05:26 PM            

I am getting better with this, just by talking to you all.

The shame of this kind of thing fuels it.

Talking about it relieves the shame.

I made a big stride today.

If someone is a horses ass, it is not my fault.

Some people are a horse's ass.

In that lasts statement lies our healing.

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Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted November 18, 2012 06:01 PM            

You have to be able to see that it is THAT person who is being the jerk. You can't take the blame for another person putting her issues on you.

You stand up and say *blank* off.

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Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted November 19, 2012 06:23 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ami Anne:
What is ED?

I am getting better with this, just by talking to you all.

The shame of this kind of thing fuels it.

Talking about it relieves the shame.

I made a big stride today.

If someone is a horses ass, it is not my fault.

Some people are a horse's ass.

In that lasts statement lies our healing.

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LOL horse's ass... you said it girl. There are quite a few out there and who knows what you'll find in a new person in your life. That's the sad part - being let down by so many new people coming into my life, and plus the people in my current life. But you know, like you said, you just have to realize that you don't control them and should not waste energy trying to make a stubborn or cruel person change when they probably never will.

ED = eating disorder. Just an abbreviation for an eating disorder of any kind. I restricted but also had problems over eating earlier on, which probably fueled the restricting later in life.

posted November 19, 2012 07:11 PM            

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Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted November 19, 2012 07:15 PM            

That is their problem. They would rather lash out at paper tigers to make their small selves feel better.

Do you want me to put up my favorite Jung quotes and we can talk about them

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Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted November 19, 2012 07:21 PM            

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Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted November 20, 2012 07:20 AM            

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Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted November 20, 2012 07:37 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by sweet-scorpion:
Yes I am most definitely a self-destructive person... I've had a hard time coming to terms with it but I am always turning my fury and hatred onto myself. Trying to either perfect or destroy myself. Or both at the same time, if that makes any sense. I've always had ED issues, cutting/self-injury issues which is disgusting but true. Always leaving people behind in relationships or being left behind, with tumultuous emotions and obsessions. Occasionally drinking, and being with people totally wrong for me, who ended up giving me attachment problems anyway.

I was abused in weird ways as a child. I was emotionally traumatized by a lot of family members. Just like family members before me were. I frequently felt alienated from family who all of the sudden came out in brutal verbal tirades and said how bad of a person I was, etc etc. I've often felt victimized by family. I try to look past it but in my heart I can't help but feel sadness or indifference towards most of them. I'm excited to leave in the next 7 months.

I have heavy Pluto influences in my chart... 12th house Pluto which is typical with abuse of some kind and charisma but anger you show off without knowing which has always been true for me... and Moon-Chiron in Virgo and Mars in Cancer opposite my IC ruler Neptune which speaks of the pain I've had.

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I keep wondering if I have a h12 pluto or not. It's my chart ruler. I have never been abused or anything. Everyone in the family that has spoken ill against me has strangely died.

posted November 20, 2012 08:00 AM            

My impression of you from seeing you on here is that you try to push aside dark things but you really can't, as no one really can. They come out. You don't abuse other people with your dark things though, as some people do.

However, I feel you are trying to run from them. This would be a 12th house Pluto more than Pluto conj the ASC.

To me, I would guess you had a 12th house Pluto.

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Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted November 20, 2012 09:27 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by sand:
But I have both. H12 pluto and pluto on the ascendant exact. It's in h12 by minutes.

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I you sure about your time? If a planet is 10 degrees next to the cusp, it is considered conj the ASC by most astrologers

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Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted November 20, 2012 09:32 AM            

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Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted November 20, 2012 09:46 AM            

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Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted November 20, 2012 09:53 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by sand:
Sure I do. but do u mean I can't have a h12 pluto if I have pluto conj asc?

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Right
You have one or the other. So, you do not have a 12th House Pluto and you do have it conj the ASC imho

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Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted November 20, 2012 10:39 AM            

I am sitting here with it and thinking why I want to be self destructive.

It is like I am programmed to be. I think I got the answer. It is pure rage of huge proportions such that I could kill. It is to my mother

I mean it is like a nuclear bomb's worth of hate.

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Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted November 20, 2012 04:21 PM            

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Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted November 21, 2012 08:25 AM            

I am getting it, slowly. The first step is to share the secrets of which you are MOST ashamed

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Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted November 21, 2012 09:08 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ami Anne:
You know what is at the bottom of self destruction? Self value!

I am getting it, slowly. The first step is to share the secrets of which you are MOST ashamed

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I was going to post something to the like of this...

Once you do get free and be-gin to let go it feels so good.

Been working on this recently.

I slip and get back up and remind myself:

"I am a spiritual being having a HUMAN experience, full of love and light!"

blessins!

posted November 21, 2012 03:17 PM            

It was based on my getting more successful and that old failure mindset does not fit. I felt so weird and strange with that failure suit when I was becoming a success, by the grace of God and it is God.

I think that was my crisis situation.

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Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted November 24, 2012 11:37 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by sand:
I keep wondering if I have a h12 pluto or not. It's my chart ruler. I have never been abused or anything. Everyone in the family that has spoken ill against me has strangely died.

What does your moon do with pluto. I know that is the ED and black sheep aspect so I read or was it scapegoat I just know it was some bad animal lol! Keeping dark topics light.

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I have the same thing actually. So maybe you do have 12th house Pluto. When I looked it seemed to be right on the cusp of the 1st but not IN the 1st... it appears to be conjunct your ASC from the 12th house. So yes, I'd consider it in the 12th.

In my family/people who I know, strangely karma seems to return to them if they hurt me. My stepfather was against me and very abusive to my mother and sometimes me (emotionally) and he ended up dying a bad death. My mother neglected me somewhat as a child, and her life ended up becoming hell and she was faced with all the damages she did to me and her family at last. Relatives who have spoken out against me have gotten theirs back. 12th house Pluto has been difficult but it's also worked in mysterious ways for me too.

Strangely my Moon and my Pluto do not connect. I think in some charts I might have a wide sextile but not really. No stress aspects at all. Also I have no Moon-Saturn aspects.

I have my Moon in Virgo conjunct Chiron though. I see that as a possible indicator since Chiron holds the airs of Saturn inside. Moon squares my ASC too.

posted November 24, 2012 11:38 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ami Anne:
SS
Check out my new thread in the Brown Owl School.

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