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Author
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Topic: Friends with Benifits
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FireMoon
unregistered
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posted December 11, 2012 09:10 AM
 
I may or may not be a bit tipsy at the moment, and may regret posting this later, and there have probably already been threads on this topic but... Please share your stories and experiences of friends with benefits relationships. Good, bad, and ugly, please share it all. There have been quite a few movies based on the idea but I'd love to hear some real life stories lol Please no debates on the morality of sex outside of a monogamous relationship. Although I suppose that can hardly be avoided lol Anyway, I will share my own story once there have been some responses... IP: Logged |
Yin
Knowflake Posts: 3497
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted December 11, 2012 09:15 AM
No, can't do. Tried once, lasted a month, I fell in love... I regret doing it to this day. (It's been over 10 years) I cannot separate sex from love. It's just who I am. IP: Logged |
ghanima81
Knowflake Posts: 1121
From: Maine
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted December 11, 2012 09:27 AM
Good and bad, but mainly bad. It's a good idea in theory, but it never ends the way Hollywood shows. Somebody gets hurt or the friendship is ruined. But, I think that a "friend" that would sleep with another "friend" is not really a good friend anyway, so it's no real loss when that relationship disappears. Like anything else in life, it's a lesson. Good or bad. But why not try it if you're unattached, young and carefree? That's what life is for. To be lived and experienced. IP: Logged |
SaturnineMoth
Knowflake Posts: 2438
From: Gaea's Omphalos
Registered: Aug 2012
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posted December 11, 2012 11:16 AM
...IP: Logged |
SaturnineMoth
Knowflake Posts: 2438
From: Gaea's Omphalos
Registered: Aug 2012
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posted December 11, 2012 11:26 AM
-dp- X_x;IP: Logged |
Padre35
Knowflake Posts: 3996
From: Asheville, NC, US
Registered: Jul 2012
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posted December 11, 2012 12:43 PM
Well, FWB never appealed to me as a man b/c sex tends to make things weird between people who otherwise got along fantastically.For me, if there is no relationship then afterwards when she does have a BF/GF it's sort of always there, but never spoken about which is AWKWARD..  IP: Logged |
ghanima81
Knowflake Posts: 1121
From: Maine
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted December 11, 2012 01:46 PM
^^ YUUUUP ^^IP: Logged |
YoursTrulyAlways
Knowflake Posts: 7201
From:
Registered: Oct 2011
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posted December 11, 2012 03:09 PM
I tried it too when young (in graduate school) and it was a horrendous experience. Mine wasn't so much as a one-on-one friendship, but it was more in the context of a "club" atmosphere in graduate school. There were actually twice the number of women relative to men, and since the men were strictly by invitation only, based primarily on resume and credentials and talent, the men were heavily objectified - not that any of the men complained in the least bit. I'm under zero illusions that I'm remotely attractive looking. The upside was that everyone was health tested well and often. The downside was that I could not deal with the emotional coldness of the whole ordeal, so much so that I quickly (<3 months) lost total interest and fell out. Besides, I was with women that were more dry than reading the Wall Street Journal and Financial Times. Think process. There was zero affection. I was like the drive through at a McDonald's. After those three months, I stopped having sex/dating for another three months before I regained interest, but only after being encouraged by friends.IP: Logged |
ail221
Moderator Posts: 7113
From: Hanging Gardens of Babylon
Registered: Feb 2012
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posted December 11, 2012 04:20 PM
Not interested in it even though I fall within the "young" category. Its awkward enough dating a close friend and then ending things because it just didn't work out. But just hooking up with a friend for sexual gratification is asking for awkwardness. As mentioned above what about when they or you finally start dating someone else? Or say they have more than one FWB and didn't inform you? diseases spread fast and easy. Plus someone always develops feelings for the other person.IP: Logged |
sand
Knowflake Posts: 10270
From:
Registered: May 2011
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posted December 11, 2012 05:02 PM
I get demoted to this. Seriously. IP: Logged |
somethingexcellent
Knowflake Posts: 4122
From: vodka fine, I'm so divine
Registered: Nov 2012
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posted December 11, 2012 06:52 PM
I had a friend with benefits before, but it was kinda easily to slip beyond friends. It became a, more or less, open relationship. We were sorta committed to each other, but we'd involve others too; that whole deal. It was pretty good and we understood each other well.
Eventually I moved from the city and things were called off. Last I heard, one of our regulars became her boyfriend - no openness. I'm glad.  IP: Logged |
Padre35
Knowflake Posts: 3996
From: Asheville, NC, US
Registered: Jul 2012
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posted December 11, 2012 07:27 PM
My goodness YTA, could see that really running off of the rails, what would happen if 4-5 people from that environment all worked at the same place? It would be a bit like walking through a wax house of past actions..daily. ((shudder)) IP: Logged |
sand
Knowflake Posts: 10270
From:
Registered: May 2011
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posted December 12, 2012 02:37 AM
I think I have the double standard with this. It's ok if I do it with others but I act possessive with the friend in question if she sleeps around. I'd rather not talk about things and leave them open to interpretation. Labels meh! Also it kinda hurts to be used for sex. Little bit, ya.. Like what, u don't like me in the boyfriend-y way?  IP: Logged |
PixieJane
Moderator Posts: 8532
From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010
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posted December 12, 2012 05:28 AM
I had a FWB relationship with my BFF growing up, not that we called it that and it was just from time to time. I'm not even sure it counts. She liked to say we were "practicing." (To prevent confusion I'll add that we were both girls.) Nothing bad came of that itself and I have no regrets. However, after I confronted her for joining in the tormenting of 2 girls accused (falsely, and even she knew it the story was unlikely) of being lesbians she decided that I really needed to get with a guy. While I'd briefly entered puberty (though not immediately apparent other my growing taller stopped) I had delayed puberty, but she insisted that having sex would "jump start" me back into puberty (the doctor apparently didn't know what he was talking about when he said I needed to gain weight for that to happen...), and she also just tried "femininize" me as much as possible (I was very tomboyish back then and hung with the thrashers, that is to say the boys on skateboards, and boys my BFF thought were fine). I had serious reservations about this but there were no adults I could talk to (there was Granny but I was unable to get in touch with her) and all the kids thought it was a great idea. So a good friend of mine was selected to take my virginity...and all I'll say on that is it was even worse than I thought, we didn't really get all the way through, it was horrible for both of us and it was forever awkward between us after that no matter how much I just tried to put it behind me like a bad dream. But I did learn a valuable lesson about not letting peer pressure override my strong aversion to something. Again, I'm not sure that's exactly a FWB thing, but I'd guess it comes close as we weren't romantically attached or even dating at the time. And to this day I wish him very well and all happiness, but also that we never meet again in this life and that he has had better luck in forgetting about it than I have (I think for his part he felt he went about it the wrong way, that "another guy would've done better" but I don't). Right after I turned 18 a much older married couple I'd gotten along with for about a year by then invited me into their bed as a "guest star" and I accepted, but I didn't like it. The guy was more like a director of a porno set and his wife was obviously (to me) just going along with this because it was what he wanted (and perhaps of having to get out of doing some things) so it was a big turn off. I think I could've put it behind me better but every time he saw me he wanted me to join them again so I just took to avoiding them, which was regrettable as he liked to hang around other people I got along with so I took to avoiding them as well. On the bad advice of some women I had pity sex with one guy to boost his confidence but it didn't work (he just wanted more sex without changing) and I kicked him to the curb. I regret having anything at all to do with him in retrospect. Another guy I had sex with was on some fuzzy line between FWB and lovers, we lived together (because he lost his place) and I got to like him and back then I had this idea that guys went insane without sex so that it was necessary and thus had sex with him out of concern and it was fun...but again it was so fuzzy that I'm not sure on which side of the FWB line we were, as we were friends who were being more playful and yet at the same time we were also exclusive (not by choice, it just worked out that way) and I did wonder what it would be like to be married to him. It ended months later when I had to move but to this day I remember him fondly and wish him the best. Then I joined an exclusive sex club in which a polyamorous friend invited me to and I experimented with multiple people there...did finally a threesome that was good (though one woman obviously brought her husband just to dump him on other women so she wouldn't have to tend to his needs, I'd guess she was asexual), and me and my friend had sex there (but what happened there stayed there and he was good about respecting that, even after I stopped going). Though I don't treasure all my memories of that time it was still a small chapter in my life I'm grateful for with no significant regrets. A year later I had sex with a friend (same gender) just to try it and we're still close, though we've never done it again. As she's constantly had problems getting along with guys and we get along so well she says she regrets not swinging that way because we could be soul mates (so in this case if she HAD swung that way I do believe we'd be married now, at least as much as the law recognized, and thus the FWB would've quickly turned into something much deeper, and we might've skipped the FWB step completely). I haven't had casual sex since then, and the one thing I treasure about my friends (even the one I had a one night stand with) is that there's no sexual tension there anymore (or at least not expectation, and as a result a lot less drama). IP: Logged |
PixieJane
Moderator Posts: 8532
From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010
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posted December 12, 2012 06:06 AM
Btw, what Hollywood depictions show FWB in a positive light? Every single movie & show I saw (granted, I don't go out of my way to see them) end up moralizing about FWB being wrong, or at least the FWB turns into soul mates finding each other in the end (after the dramatic breakup and making up of course). I've even seen at least a dozen eps of Sex in the City (which, btw, I found surprisingly vanilla that only pretended to be daring, though granted it was enough to give Puritans the vapors) and the entire The L Word series as well, and as every other show & movie I recall all FWB always ended badly (including with stalking, violence, etc) and/or moved into actual romance. I hope no one mentions Savages as that wasn't FWB but instead polyamory, and despite the woman herself (along with other characters) saying it couldn't last forever I was surprised at how sympathetic they made it. IP: Logged |
YoursTrulyAlways
Knowflake Posts: 7201
From:
Registered: Oct 2011
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posted December 12, 2012 01:27 PM
quote:
Originally posted by Padre35:
My goodness YTA, could see that really running off of the rails, what would happen if 4-5 people from that environment all worked at the same place? It would be a bit like walking through a wax house of past actions..daily. ((shudder))
Padre35, It was essentially a husband recruiting club. Back in the 80s, there was this notion of excess begets success. So, the objective in the eyes of those young women was to find a series of eligible males to "test drive" and fornicate and then marry and then procreate. The idea was that bankers ought to hook up with consultants, doctors should marry lawyers, lawyers should marry lawyers who become politicians, etc. Then everyone would be fabulously fabulous and all that. Most of the rollicking 80s brought a big stock market boom, and heads were swelling ten times the normal size. Most of the guys in that "club" ended up marrying those girls, producing sickeningly rich couples. I didn't. They bored me to tears. To answer your question, what's the difference anyway? Think of Wall Street/Madison Ave in the 80s. It was a large F fest. Bosses were doing their subordinates, subordinates were doing the admin staff. For crying out loud, banker parties included their female staff stripping and dancing half naked on top of desks, with the bosses puffing cigars and drinking booze every afternoon at work. Debauchery was the norm. Where do you think Mr. Cigar in the Oval Office got the idea from? Thankfully, those days are over. IP: Logged |
Lazyscarecrow
Knowflake Posts: 1385
From: Silent Hill
Registered: Aug 2011
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posted December 12, 2012 09:09 PM
quote:
Originally posted by Yin:
No, can't do. Tried once, lasted a month, I fell in love... I regret doing it to this day. (It's been over 10 years) I cannot separate sex from love. It's just who I am.
It's always been the same for me. I can't do it. Feels like I'm giving out candy.
IP: Logged |
FireMoon
unregistered
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posted December 13, 2012 08:27 PM
Thank you guys for all your responses!!I'll be back to respond individuals, there are some very interesting stories As for me, I've actually had more "FWB" relationships than actual committed relationships. (I've only been in one official relationship that lasted on and off for years and I'm 21) I know there are words for girls who to admit to such things, but I'm pretty much done worrying about being judged lol. I could also talk extensively about what is going on with my 5th and 7th houses, but I will refrain lol The first time was the guy I lost my virginity to, and yeah it was pretty much the typical story, I cared probably more than he did, I felt used and rejected, etc. etc. Second time was with someone who really genuinely was a friend. We had Venus conjunct Venus in Aquarius so we really did allow each other plenty of freedom but maintained the friendship the whole time. (Being an Aqua venus I literally don't even understand how you can separate friendship from a romantic relationship, I think it should always be the foundation. And yeah I wouldn't feel comfortable in a prolonged sexual relationship without it either.) Maybe that's where my apparent lack of morals comes into play lol, sex without love I can do, sex without friendship, is unthinkable haha. Anyway, both of us were possessive at times, but it was mutually understood that neither of us wanted a relationship at that time, and things just eventually cooled off naturally, but we still remain on good terms. Then there's the Cancer guy I've talked so much about, and I won't put that in a specific category... But yeah we are at a crossroads and I'm moving back home soon and we can't just be in this gray area anymore, there needs to be a decision soon. But really the most positive fwb experience I've had has been with the Scorpio guy I've been sleeping with recently lol. He has helped me break through a lot of walls and hang ups I had about sex... And it can be very affectionate and intimate (which was the part I was terrified of tbh lol) I had never really let myself feel that before him, I always tried to keep sex and emotions separate, which as many of you have said, doesn't exactly work. It's not like I'm madly in love with him or anything, but I do trust him emotionally as a friend (or at least that's how I rationalize it for myself lol) and that has opened a whole new world sexually. Anyway, I think the ONLY reason this situation has worked out so well is that the ending was already decided from the beginning. I'm only in this state for a short amount of time, and he wants to leave next year anyway. So it could never work. If I was staying here longer there's a strong possibility things could end dramatically or evolve into something more and then end even more dramatically lol. Plus we have mutual friends so this hasn't just changed our relationship it changes the whole group dynamic. And things have already started getting weird tbh so I can only imagine what might happen if this was prolonged lol. Anyway ultimately I really don't regret it at all though. I feel like I have a better understanding of myself and sex/relationships in general and that I'll have more to give in the future. Soo, sorry for rambling, as I said I'll be back to comment on everyone else's stories! IP: Logged |
Padre35
Knowflake Posts: 3996
From: Asheville, NC, US
Registered: Jul 2012
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posted December 13, 2012 08:52 PM
Eh, doesn't surprise me YTA, it has a sort of dark Darwinistic element to it if one thinks about it.IMO, you made the right move by leaving the situation, it shows proper decision making. IP: Logged |
sand
Knowflake Posts: 10270
From:
Registered: May 2011
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posted December 13, 2012 09:59 PM
quote:
But really the most positive fwb experience I've had has been with the Scorpio guy I've been sleeping with recently lol. He has helped me break through a lot of walls and hang ups I had about sex... And it can be very affectionate and intimate (which was the part I was terrified of tbh lol) I had never really let myself feel that before him, I always tried to keep sex and emotions separate, which as many of you have said, doesn't exactly work. It's not like I'm madly in love with him or anything, but I do trust him emotionally as a friend (or at least that's how I rationalize it for myself lol) and that has opened a whole new world sexually. Anyway, I think the ONLY reason this situation has worked out so well is that the ending was already decided from the beginning.
I have a tendency to attract a lot of people with hang ups and issues. I think it's the Chiron in h8. Plus I am v v Scorpio. I used to balk away from it before but I suppose it's something karmic.. Idk.. Going off topic sorry.. IP: Logged |
FireMoon
unregistered
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posted December 14, 2012 01:13 AM
quote:
Originally posted by sand:
I have a tendency to attract a lot of people with hang ups and issues. I think it's the Chiron in h8. Plus I am v v Scorpio. I used to balk away from it before but I suppose it's something karmic.. Idk.. Going off topic sorry..
Haha no worries, Chiron in 8th would definitely make sense though. Although that would be weird being a "healer" in that way, maybe you end up getting hurt in the process? And heavy scorpio people can sense you understand those kinds of things and can get to the core of the issue lol Idk where my hang ups came from to begin with lol just glad to be getting rid of them. I'm thinking maybe Venus in 8th needing intensity working against Aqua wanting detachment. And Pluto opp Mars not wanting to let go of control. Plus Pluto in 5th... IP: Logged |
7thGuardian
Knowflake Posts: 1479
From: Transylvania
Registered: May 2012
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posted December 14, 2012 05:58 AM
quote:
Originally posted by SaturnineMoth:
...
...a soul connection - that's so nice  - i really enjoyed your story - was a good read.  IP: Logged |
sand
Knowflake Posts: 10270
From:
Registered: May 2011
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posted December 14, 2012 07:48 AM
quote:
Originally posted by FireMoon:
Haha no worries, Chiron in 8th would definitely make sense though. Although that would be weird being a "healer" in that way, maybe you end up getting hurt in the process? And heavy scorpio people can sense you understand those kinds of things and can get to the core of the issue lol Idk where my hang ups came from to begin with lol just glad to be getting rid of them. I'm thinking maybe Venus in 8th needing intensity working against Aqua wanting detachment. And Pluto opp Mars not wanting to let go of control. Plus Pluto in 5th...
My hang ups were/ are different but they did require the same kind of contact to get over. They were more of the intimate variety than sexual. For a long time I never let my guard down and no one noticed coz sex is supposed to be intimate. It took another Scorpio dominant to break through. IP: Logged |
Odette
Moderator Posts: 6755
From:
Registered: May 2012
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posted December 18, 2012 04:48 PM
I could easily do this with the right person.
They would have to be someone who is very comfortable in their own body and does not have religious/morally-based sexual hang-ups --- the kind of person who could hang out with others butt-naked on a nudist beach.. and act exactly as he would fully-clothed in an office. I am very comfy in my own body - and I can enjoy the sexual experience for everything it has to offer physically.
They'd have to be the same.
They'd also have to be a REAL friend. Some people don't know how to truly be friends to others. Right now - there is a Libra guy in my life (Leo Moon, Scorpio Venus and Libra Mars). I am close friends with him. He is actually born on the same day & year as someone else I was friends with in the past.
He is gay but he has said that he is open to experimenting. So if he does make a move - I wouldn't say "no".
I could easily have sex with him because I do like him and because I trust him so much - we are very very close.
He is also my type sexually - He often says and does things that turn me on.
But I am definitely not 'in love' with him. IP: Logged |
Odette
Moderator Posts: 6755
From:
Registered: May 2012
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posted December 18, 2012 04:57 PM
I think this FWB thing is kind of like "someone's garbage is someone's treasure"...
It definitely does not work for everyone.IP: Logged | |
Lindaland
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