posted January 03, 2013 09:44 PM            

It's my mother who does this to me. I'm an only child so I bear the burden of her emotional quirks. She is highly over-sensitive to any perceived & imagined insults. So, every time she (or both my parents) come to visit, I'm obliged to invite them to come for a minimum of 2 weeks unless I happen to have my own travel come up, or a job that requires me in the office all day. But now I'm married, and my husband honestly shouldn't have to feel thrilled at the prospect of a 2 week visit from them, does he? We got married just 8 months ago.

This time, I'm having surgery, and would really like for them to be with me, in addition to having my husband there. I said that we would book their tickets for them, esp. given the short notice; it's only fair. It's just that this evening, when we were talking about flights as I looked, and she asked what date I selected for the return - it was 1 week later, and that was a tentative selection as I made clear to her - I was just comparing fares. The surgery, doctor said, should take me 5 days of recovery time out of the office, though most people say it helps them to have 10-14 days before they can drive again. So, I plan to work from home until I can drive again. We also have a move coming up at the end of the month. Not to mention, there are things that would be very uncomfortable when they visit - my husband eats meat while they (and I) do not. He & I have a great system which works, but they would feel put out if we were to cook meat at home. And every time she's visited us or we've visited them recently, she's found some odd reason or the other to throw tantrums and pout - she does this with me in private since she doesn't want my husband to have a poor opinion of her, so I have the burden of dealing with her storms while trying to maintain a sense of normalcy for my husband. Our last trip home in November was extremely miserable for me, and I was glad to escape, to try to regain my self and a sense of peace. It was pure hell.

Anyways, she stormed again this evening after initally suggesting delaying their return by a day (for fares), saying since I was ready to book their flight for a week later, they would leave then and not cheapen themselves by taking advantage of our hospitality by staying even a day more - or why not leave within 3 days of my surgery since we obv. wanted to kick them out? I think the perceived insult happened when she realized she was the one to suggest delaying their return, and not me, that I was happy to send them back 1 week later. Then she raged about how, every time she visits, she ends up being a servant to us, slaving in our kitchen, and that it's no joy for her either, so they will leave as soon as possible before they get pushed out.

I HATE when she does this - I really do. I'm sorry I have gone on but I'm really mad. She does something like this before every visit to my place, and will usually find some reason to get mad at some perceived insult, always threatening to either cancel her visit or leave a few days early, but always ending up staying the whole period and torturing me with her constant guilt-tripping. I don't know WHY the woman loves to torment me - she drains me of any joy I may have found in life no thanks to her.

posted January 03, 2013 10:36 PM            

And by the way ...your parents visiting should not mean your husband's eating pattern should be affected ...they should stay in a hotel or stfu ...but that's just one person's opinion .

posted January 04, 2013 08:54 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Padre35:
Sounds as if your mother is very ethical, and so are you, and she expects you to exactly mesh you ethics with hers and any deviation from her ethics is of course met with a tantrum..

Moms.

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posted January 04, 2013 09:04 AM            

But my mom is a bit of an emotional manipulator. She plays the victim a lot, acts like she wants pity, then throws it back in a ploy to guilt for more! I confront her lots about it and we argue and fight then forget about it by the next hour.

"We're running low on money, you better get a job to support your future in this house!"
"Well fine but I'm not the one who made us move twice in the last year"
"The other places were *insert flaws*"
"The landlords offered to fix it but nope you wanted to take the costly, time consuming way out"
Then I get job...
"Why aren't you in school? Earning money isn't enough to support a future in this house."
"Omfg"

posted January 04, 2013 09:09 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by crabbypatty:
darling - she is a big overgrown baby who is manipulating you emotionally and will continue until you tell her off ...which is hard to do with a mother ...I know all too well ...only child of a mother just like yours except my mother doesn't have the tantrums behind closed doors ...she lives to fight and always has ....with every single member of the family.

And by the way ...your parents visiting should not mean your husband's eating pattern should be affected ...they should stay in a hotel or stfu ...but that's just one person's opinion .

I do wonder, though, why you would want your parents with you after the surgery if your mother is such a pill ...

---

Patty,

You're very right - it has gone on a long time because I struggle with it silently and keep trying to change my behavior to make her happy. Subconciously, whatever I do is tailored to get her approval, so it feels uncomfortable as heck when she doesn't approve.

How did you deal with your mother? Sounds like another shade of wonderful, fighting with everyone in the open.. sigh. I don't which is worse, perhaps neither - it's all so negative & draining. Does your husband support you with this?

I really should stand up to them on my husband's preferences - it's just that her voice is always the loudest, and she has told me before if we were ever to cook meat in our home, neither they nor any other of our family members unused to it would ever come to visit. Hubby doesn't mind eating vegetarian dinners time to time (esp. if he can have it his way at lunch), but it gets really tiring always pandering to her wishes in our home, on top of the gloom & doom atmosphere she propagates. You're right though.. I need to stick up for him & our right to do what works for us as a family.

Why do I want them with me when I'm having surgery? I guess I'd really like them there during and after the procedure, like being watched over in a way.. but then I REALLY don't want to deal with all the drama if she ends up staying with us for more than a few days. Man, the last time I was really ill, and had had a blood clot, she stayed with me for a month to take care of me, and that was stressful even though it was just me at the time (i.e. I wasn't married). I think I'm only just starting to develop a sense of the fact that I may need to create some boundaries with my parents now that my husband & I are a family unit - I don't want to sacrifice his interests for hers each & every time, and I'm tired of feeling drained of joy & depressed every time we have a visit. She also always seems to complain of getting stressed out during visits with all the work (cooking) to deal with his different palate and all that. I don't know.. perhaps her tantrums are a way of passive aggressive rebellion against this man they have been forced to accept in their lives because of me.

posted January 04, 2013 09:11 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by ail221:
Sounds like only child burden......

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posted January 04, 2013 09:14 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by RedScorp:
I couldn't read all of that, it's a very long post...

But my mom is a bit of an emotional manipulator. She plays the victim a lot, acts like she wants pity, then throws it back in a ploy to guilt for more! I confront her lots about it and we argue and fight then forget about it by the next hour.

"We're running low on money, you better get a job to support your future in this house!"
"Well fine but I'm not the one who made us move twice in the last year"
"The other places were *insert flaws*"
"The landlords offered to fix it but nope you wanted to take the costly, time consuming way out"
Then I get job...
"Why aren't you in school? Earning money isn't enough to support a future in this house."
"Omfg"

Any ways, she's an AC, Sun/Jupiter, and Moon in Virgo.

---

LOL, yes, it's a long post - I was ranting quite a bit last night; it was fresh & I was mad!!

posted January 04, 2013 09:25 AM            

quote:

---

it was fresh & I was mad!!

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posted January 04, 2013 10:14 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by sunshine9:
Yeah.. I think that's a huge part of it here! There is no one else to share in it, to commiserate with and gain strength from, in all this craziness!

---

posted January 05, 2013 08:12 PM            

Anyway, my main thing with her is that although I'm in my early forties, she insists on calling me to tell me things that are very elementary, as if I'm a complete dolt. Like, if it's 7 am on a week day, she'll call and say that the forecast calls for blustery wind that's worse than usual, and the wind chill factor is supposed to be so-and-so, and I shouldn't forget to put a really warm hat on my son for the bus stop. And zip up his jacket all the way.

Also, she never misses an opportunity to tell me that my best girlfriend is much more practical than me and therefore has made better choices in life, and "it's a pity you're not more like her", and sh*t like that...

So I told her recently that she was completely out of line, I didn't need her weather reports any more in the morning, I listen to the news just like she does and I know how to dress my child, thank you very much... and that she needs to stop comparing me to other people because it's unnecessary and nasty... and that at my age, she should please stop making snarky comments about my discretionary spending habits, etc etc. (oh, it felt soooo gooooood)!!!!

She didn't speak to me for about 5 days but she came back, and she has digested the words. It won't stop her from lapsing back into some of the same behavior, I'm sure, because she treated my father in a similar manner for years until the day he died... despite his occasional outbursts of anger at her. She is who she is. People who manipulate emotionally are not going to just stop cold turkey, just like that. I believe it's a process. But at least I broke the ice (for myself) in that I won't hesitate to lay down the law again in the future when necessary. The world didn't come to a screeching end. We all survived it. I think you'll get there, too, eventually.

posted January 10, 2013 03:48 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by crabbypatty:
Sunshine, I am in a somewhat better place with my mother, having recently put my foot down with her on a few matters involving BOUNDARIES. It wasn't planned, really. I wouldn't have had the guts to sit down to a planned discussion even though I've been seething for years about certain things. It just sort of came pouring out of me, Pluto style, in a fit of anger and indignation.

Anyway, my main thing with her is that although I'm in my early forties, she insists on calling me to tell me things that are very elementary, as if I'm a complete dolt. Like, if it's 7 am on a week day, she'll call and say that the forecast calls for blustery wind that's worse than usual, and the wind chill factor is supposed to be so-and-so, and I shouldn't forget to put a really warm hat on my son for the bus stop. And zip up his jacket all the way.

Also, she never misses an opportunity to tell me that my best girlfriend is much more practical than me and therefore has made better choices in life, and "it's a pity you're not more like her", and sh*t like that...

So I told her recently that she was completely out of line, I didn't need her weather reports any more in the morning, I listen to the news just like she does and I know how to dress my child, thank you very much... and that she needs to stop comparing me to other people because it's unnecessary and nasty... and that at my age, she should please stop making snarky comments about my discretionary spending habits, etc etc. (oh, it felt soooo gooooood)!!!!

She didn't speak to me for about 5 days but she came back, and she has digested the words. It won't stop her from lapsing back into some of the same behavior, I'm sure, because she treated my father in a similar manner for years until the day he died... despite his occasional outbursts of anger at her. She is who she is. People who manipulate emotionally are not going to just stop cold turkey, just like that. I believe it's a process. But at least I broke the ice (for myself) in that I won't hesitate to lay down the law again in the future when necessary. The world didn't come to a screeching end. We all survived it. I think you'll get there, too, eventually.

---

Can I vent here for a second? Because I feel like I'm reading my future here and it's causing me anxiety.

Sunshine, you can't continue with this. You know this, your husband knows this, maybe even your father does. I go by a rule that if I observe something about someone, I can bet my life someone else has noticed the same thing. You are not the only one she manipulates. She is probably used to doing that to get her way because she was never exposed to any other kind of communication. This doesn't mean she gets a free pass.

I am 23 (about to be 24) and although I am still at home at the moment, I do my fair share around the house and am here for my mother to watch the dog when she wants to go visit my father in Houston. I am still in school full-time earning a BA in Psychology, and also working full-time in the process. Having grown up an only child, as well as a very willful and outspoken Aries with an Aries mother (an old fashioned mother, mind you) our household has been less than peaceful. I started fighting with my mom when I was 5, LOL. We still fight because she will not treat me like an adult. She was still telling me I couldn't go somewhere if my room wasn't clean and reminding me to brush my teeth up until 3 months ago. And you know what? It wasn't even anything I said that made her stop. Her therapist told her I didn't need that kind of tending to anymore and she got it. Of course, then it ****** me off that she understood what I had been trying to tell her ('til I was blue in the face) for 16 years, in 45 minutes, but eh. Baby steps.

That is what you'll have to do here: baby steps. It probably won't be the best time to bring it up while you're under the stress with surgery, however you could firmly tell her "No." for starters. You are probably intuiting all the guilt and unhappiness that she brings with her, which I think is probably really common for mother/daughters as women are raised to be more empathetic and nurturing. Our empathic tendencies/frequencies are a lot higher (I'm not saying men's can't be just as high but is it as common? I doubt it.) Her hissy fits and emotional hang-ups are not your problem, and you have to remind yourself of that. Its part of separating yourself into a complete individual vs. still seeing yourself as their daughter.

posted January 16, 2013 12:40 AM            

I have a cancer mom and I swear Virgos and Cancers are the most insecure people in the world, when they are insecure they act as emotional manipulative babies.

My cancer mom likes to play the game of "please I really need your help" then when you need assistance from her your left in the dark, then she tries to manipulate people for her own benefit.

Its because of her I got my college diploma in computer Science/Game development. The tech field is all about learning how to deal with problems, I assure you my mom has left me with lots of problems to solve.

The biggest problem is I originally planned to work for a bit then complete a university degree and move on to graduate school. But because I already have a technical degree and there is a lot of IT jobs in the federal government right now she always tries to pressure me to take them instead of finishing my university degree.

The only reason why she wants me to take these jobs is so that I can be at home more often and sort her needs rather then my needs.

My dads left her and shes insecure if he will come back, plus i'm a male and males generally do what there mothers say.

I explained these aren't real jobs there is a shortage of tech people in the government because they move on to better places, plus age becomes a handicap in the tech world.

So its better to earn another degree before I hit 30. I'm still in my mid-late 20's by the way.

For the last two years she has always been trying to convince me to work rather then finish my second degree, she is the only parent in the world not to understand the value of education.

I've done compromise solutions were I've worked a term for a couple months and take the easier classes at the same time that way can still complete my degree.

This year is the last time shes gets in way. I said to my mom, "I've saved enough money from working that I can just walk out of the house.

I'm also planing on switching my degree from BSc Geomatics to BSc Earth Science, that way I can get a guaranteed paid summer coop every summer and because mineral extraction is big in Canada right now the summer coop is worth it".

Lately shes been extremely nice because she realizes she doesn't have any control over me anymore.

posted January 19, 2013 12:37 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by ail221:
Yup! The pain of being the only child, its rather annoying. Constantly being treated like a child regardless of what age you are or what you have achieved. Yes having to deal with all of the emotional craziness, really sometimes I wish I was a middle child that way I could fade into the background and go un-noticed. T___T

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posted January 19, 2013 12:38 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Padre35:

Sunshine9, hope all is well after the surgery.

---

posted January 19, 2013 12:45 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by crabbypatty:
Sunshine, I am in a somewhat better place with my mother, having recently put my foot down with her on a few matters involving BOUNDARIES. It wasn't planned, really. I wouldn't have had the guts to sit down to a planned discussion even though I've been seething for years about certain things. It just sort of came pouring out of me, Pluto style, in a fit of anger and indignation.

Anyway, my main thing with her is that although I'm in my early forties, she insists on calling me to tell me things that are very elementary, as if I'm a complete dolt. Like, if it's 7 am on a week day, she'll call and say that the forecast calls for blustery wind that's worse than usual, and the wind chill factor is supposed to be so-and-so, and I shouldn't forget to put a really warm hat on my son for the bus stop. And zip up his jacket all the way.

Also, she never misses an opportunity to tell me that my best girlfriend is much more practical than me and therefore has made better choices in life, and "it's a pity you're not more like her", and sh*t like that...

So I told her recently that she was completely out of line, I didn't need her weather reports any more in the morning, I listen to the news just like she does and I know how to dress my child, thank you very much... and that she needs to stop comparing me to other people because it's unnecessary and nasty... and that at my age, she should please stop making snarky comments about my discretionary spending habits, etc etc. (oh, it felt soooo gooooood)!!!!

She didn't speak to me for about 5 days but she came back, and she has digested the words. It won't stop her from lapsing back into some of the same behavior, I'm sure, because she treated my father in a similar manner for years until the day he died... despite his occasional outbursts of anger at her. She is who she is. People who manipulate emotionally are not going to just stop cold turkey, just like that. I believe it's a process. But at least I broke the ice (for myself) in that I won't hesitate to lay down the law again in the future when necessary. The world didn't come to a screeching end. We all survived it. I think you'll get there, too, eventually.

I'll offer this: don't let your parents come between you and your husband. If they step out of line with him, let them know in no uncertain terms that they need to respect him. A marriage is a very delicate organism and it needs to be tended to vigilantly. Don't let your husband ever think that you're willing to compromise him and/or his wishes - all the time - because your parents come first. He will surely resent it.

---

Oh goodness, Patty - the things you say your mother does - I can just see my mother doing them to me too!! She has always compared me to just about anyone else she could - my cousins, schoolmates, friends.

You're right - I need to speak up, and even if she's upset, she will have to get over it because some part of her may recognize that it's not uncalled for.. In fact, I was reading just the other day about the psychosomatic connection with thyroid surgery, and apparently it can be from withholding too much - not speaking out. I was speechless (no pun intended), because I have held my tongue too many times with her. I thought that was a sign...

posted January 19, 2013 12:47 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Hera:
Put your foot on the ground. It's the only way.

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posted January 19, 2013 12:51 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by sunshine9:
Thank you so much for checking in, Padre35!! I have yet to have the surgery - Tuesday's the big day! My parents fly in tomorrow - I'm cringing as we speak, because it will be a LOOOONG 2 weeks and we will clash, but I think the closer it gets to the surgery, the more glad I am that they will be there with me.

---

Goodness, be well!

posted January 19, 2013 12:56 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by hannaramaa:
Can I vent here for a second? Because I feel like I'm reading my future here and it's causing me anxiety.

Sunshine, you can't continue with this. You know this, your husband knows this, maybe even your father does. I go by a rule that if I observe something about someone, I can bet my life someone else has noticed the same thing. You are not the only one she manipulates. She is probably used to doing that to get her way because she was never exposed to any other kind of communication. [b]This doesn't mean she gets a free pass.

I am 23 (about to be 24) and although I am still at home at the moment, I do my fair share around the house and am here for my mother to watch the dog when she wants to go visit my father in Houston. I am still in school full-time earning a BA in Psychology, and also working full-time in the process. Having grown up an only child, as well as a very willful and outspoken Aries with an Aries mother (an old fashioned mother, mind you) our household has been less than peaceful. I started fighting with my mom when I was 5, LOL. We still fight because she will not treat me like an adult. She was still telling me I couldn't go somewhere if my room wasn't clean and reminding me to brush my teeth up until 3 months ago. And you know what? It wasn't even anything I said that made her stop. Her therapist told her I didn't need that kind of tending to anymore and she got it. Of course, then it ****** me off that she understood what I had been trying to tell her ('til I was blue in the face) for 16 years, in 45 minutes, but eh. Baby steps.

That is what you'll have to do here: baby steps. It probably won't be the best time to bring it up while you're under the stress with surgery, however you could firmly tell her "No." for starters. You are probably intuiting all the guilt and unhappiness that she brings with her, which I think is probably really common for mother/daughters as women are raised to be more empathetic and nurturing. Our empathic tendencies/frequencies are a lot higher (I'm not saying men's can't be just as high but is it as common? I doubt it.) Her hissy fits and emotional hang-ups are not your problem, and you have to remind yourself of that. Its part of separating yourself into a complete individual vs. still seeing yourself as their daughter.
[/B]

---

Thank you for what you said, hannarama.. and don't let my situation cause you anxiety - you don't have to go down the same path. We both just need to recognize it for what it is, and consciously build up the reserve of strength to deal with it.

Your last paragraph hit the nail on the head - the more time I spend with her, the more my identity morphs into that of her 'child' and less of my own individual, and so my individuality suffers. I need to instill strength in that adult me and maintain that with her - during both pleasant circumstances and when she's imposing her will on me.

posted January 19, 2013 01:05 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by SpooL:
I would also like to vent.

I have a cancer mom and I swear Virgos and Cancers are the most insecure people in the world, when they are insecure they act as emotional manipulative babies.

My cancer mom likes to play the game of "please I really need your help" then when you need assistance from her your left in the dark, then she tries to manipulate people for her own benefit.

Its because of her I got my college diploma in computer Science/Game development. The tech field is all about learning how to deal with problems, I assure you my mom has left me with lots of problems to solve.

The biggest problem is I originally planned to work for a bit then complete a university degree and move on to graduate school. But because I already have a technical degree and there is a lot of IT jobs in the federal government right now she always tries to pressure me to take them instead of finishing my university degree.

The only reason why she wants me to take these jobs is so that I can be at home more often and sort her needs rather then my needs.

My dads left her and shes insecure if he will come back, plus i'm a male and males generally do what there mothers say.

I explained these aren't real jobs there is a shortage of tech people in the government because they move on to better places, plus age becomes a handicap in the tech world.

So its better to earn another degree before I hit 30. I'm still in my mid-late 20's by the way.

For the last two years she has always been trying to convince me to work rather then finish my second degree, she is the only parent in the world not to understand the value of education.

I've done compromise solutions were I've worked a term for a couple months and take the easier classes at the same time that way can still complete my degree.

This year is the last time shes gets in way. I said to my mom, "I've saved enough money from working that I can just walk out of the house.

I'm also planing on switching my degree from BSc Geomatics to BSc Earth Science, that way I can get a guaranteed paid summer coop every summer and because mineral extraction is big in Canada right now the summer coop is worth it".

Lately shes been extremely nice because she realizes she doesn't have any control over me anymore.

---

SpooL,

Wow - I can't believe she is trying to talk you out of finishing university in favor of taking up jobs!! Don't let her get her way, at all, ever, not in this!!! I'm glad you put your foot down with her, because it is not worth sacrificing your education and chance at a better career for anything!

Mine didn't want me to go too far with grad school either - I got a Masters in BME, and she'd rather I have married a man (of her choice or someone she approved of) & settled down, and not gone chasing after more. I chose to work on my PhD instead (where I met my husband-to-be and we fell in love), and that was something she could not talk me out of (though it may be that she didn't exert her will in that matter too strongly). She still likes to say "we shouldn't have let you do your PhD and waste all that time when you could've gotten married younger"!

posted January 19, 2013 01:06 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Padre35:
Goodness, be well!

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Thank you, Padre35! You are so nice!!