posted April 17, 2013 09:15 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by mirage29:
Your COURAGE to post what you did helped ME face some personal things and take a few steps closer into "purpose"...

Thankyou for having shared these things. I KNOW how personally "icky" it is--- but you MADE a difference in my life by sharing.

Thank you hippichick for starting our "PTSP" Posttraumatic stress PALS thread! {{{hug}}}

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I will second that one.

STRONG folks survive this thing.

I didnt even mention while all this was going on with me, my 21 year old, a force to reckon with even now was born with a severe heart defect...people would ask me "how do you deal?" I would just shrug and reply, what else am I going to do crawl in a corner and die?

Not my style!

I love my life, however complicated it is at times, but it made ME who I am and I quite like myself, especially now that I am in a better mental space and physical (thanks to my new doc.)

posted April 17, 2013 01:53 PM            

sorry that my life brings you a perceived harshness....

not everyone has the luxury of a garden ... i have lived in extreme harshness physically, AND socially... please don't interpret my attempts to nurture others get mixed up with 'what happened to me'... i am a "mystery" because i am very complex. please don't interpret my lack and current awkwardness of communication with any maliciousness!!

(i've "accidently" come across some very harsh threads/comments, even mockings!! i feel these are aimed towards me and other more vulnerable and 'newer' members ... they have been a group for a long time. i can understand how "they" can feel that way, for real.... i will overlook these. we are ALL hopefully trying to grow and be better people.... i will default towards believing and trusting that this is true.)

however, AGAIN, for me you are all very 'speedy' in your techno abilities to respond with each other.... i wish i had the gadgets you do. commuting devours my time, and that is a valuable time that could be spent 'communicating'. i feel that i'm trying to communicate through a VERY NOISY and distracting 'void world' where i have my 'home' right now. i do not have the resource to MOVE...because i would!!

gently, this is so unfair to all of us because both 'i AND you' don't have all the 'pieces' to make a good judgments of "me" yet... i'm struggling as hard as i can to succeed. i apologize for anything you think "harshly" of me.... some of it is not true, but i can see how you could think that way. believe me, my heart FEELS for each one here--- i want and mean no harm. whether you've posted on this particular thread or are readers from other parts of LL.... please, give your best goodwill, and give me a chance!!???

i can't "be" who the rest of you are... we don't have the same backgrounds and abilities, even though we ALL have shared in suffering in our spheres. this world never embraced me.... but i ask YOU for your kindness in extending friendship towards me?

some of us here have [invisible] 'sores' and look 'disgusting' because of societal biases of certain factions of people... i understand that these don't have the 'social' exposure to global sufferings that others (whom they deemed detestable) have had to endure in life. they are the 'privileged'---- gently, how fortunate that they can have their visions expanded through meeting ones with stories they may only 'see' on television, movies.

BUT people should avoid HURTING each other so openly here.... this continues to surprise me. i see members at LL being overtly ignored, making the obvious message to 'get rid' of "us." "we" should resist this... be a kinder people. without your generous kind "humanity" these could perish. 'outside' understanding and TRUE good authentic "unconditional" support should be the golden rule.

Maybe I have given some an "impression" of 'No Hats, Hearts, or Flowery finesses'?? if this is true that i am perceived in such a way, i want to assure you that this is untrue inside me. i AVOID 'pretendING' like that. it's not 'right' to the idealistism and values i hold dearly. it would be sooo awkward and wrong-feeling for me to 'indulge' (finesse)a few egos in this? (oh no! i have chiron-rx cj pholus-rx in aqua 2nd (my cappy-house).... this opinion of theirs may be true? i dunno. is this what i "should" do? i will try and 'practice'... what i post to people i do it with much care and truth... i will have to find the 'finessing' line, perhaps-- but i refuse to lie!!

what i have offered to people here is my whole heart... and some "real" street experience... i am not "fast" like you all are at getting my posts

*getting ready to go crawl back into the gutter in the alley*

Please know this: that i will ALWAYS champion and protect the vulnerable people here, i will do it with strength but as gently as i can... I don't like it when i see people deliberately snubbed and overlooked for being awkward and practicing to come out of their shells... or the ones in terrible physical pain. "pain" in the equation skews the whole reality-thing.... when you are in Pain in your body you are ESPECIALLY vulnerable to your emotions, AND to even to cruel attacks by peers?? god help us be better persons!

my June14/15 gemini mother didn't like me... it was "natural" for her... there was "something" about me she couldn't stand.... her mars exact on my sun, her sun on my mercury-sn. cancer moon.

my dad had his sunEXACT-cjJUPITER in Scorpio exact on my Juno-rx (my p'moon is now that degree-- and there's to be an eclipse on that point on the 25th this month). he also was late gemini or early cancer moon. in my 'authority' house (10th) i have neptune-rx in late libra... (koch system is in 11th.)

my mother have violent energy tirades!! there was NO pleasing her. (weirdly, i still had put her on the pedestal of my heart). malignant narcissist, she was stunted, spoiled.

there was taboo abuse, AND physically, i would get punched repeated. counted, and sometimes remarked in myself -- gee, only 17 hits instead of 23 today, mom? gosh must mean you're sorta low on your tirade energy? sometimes my pee would come out red from it. a few times a vein would break in her hand, and she howl and screammmmed at me: YOU broke the vein in my hand!!!! it was MY fault!! bad! punched with even MORE vengeance now because 'i hurt her' and double-deserved it.

she SADISTICALLY beat screeched screamed and punished my younger brother too. she could attack at the calmest times, out of the blue! even in front of dad (who did NOTHING). (the next two other children in the family lived a 'golden' life).

socially, she was extremely loved and fauned over by girls who were supposed to be "my" friends but were charmed and enamoured of her. i was frump... they came to visit her, and not me. they criticized when i said things were bad...because to THEM, she was a 'model' mother. in high school, my mother told them on the phone that i didn't deserve to have friends... new school. gossip like fire. they turned on me.... and that was what my highschool years turned out to be.

my moon is virgo, most elevated in chart... and have the moon's nodes T-square with moon. mercGEM cj SN in the configuration. my pallas is sag, 1st house, BML on 12th side of asc, opposite my gemSUN in 6th.

vesta toro uranus-vx jupiter in cancer 8th.
pluto is there at end of 8th/koch 9th in leo.

"watching" my brother get beaten (and being the oldest and most-held 'responsible' and sensitive) this having NO POWER to do anything was a living terror... when she attacked him, it was like it was happening to ME.... constantly trying to figure out 'what to do' to appease her.

(my brother and i grew up as really super-good-hearted kids.... she could NOT extinguish our trying to love and understand her.)

when father would get home, she would demand further punishment-- by DEMANDING that my father BEAT him with his BELT. he would act FURIOUS, my brother would run to the bedroom. i could heard all the whacks, ALL the cries and screaming... years of it!! for years I couldn't stop imagining what physical HARM he underwent. he spent much time isolated to the bed, REQUIRED only to lay on his left side, facing the wall, in the darkened room.

but i learned years later (as an adult) that his "beatings" from dad were all a sham...!! one day when we were adults, he told me and the other sibs how nice and empathetic our dad had been towards him... they had been ONLY 'play-acting' the beatings to satisfy her. i didn't know this, and i went through TORTURE "listening" and imagining what was happening to him...! was trying to figure out as HARD as i could what to DO for him!!! my father was no authority to go to, because 'obviously'(?) he was in agreement with mother and BEATING him!!! but in actuality my father was sticking up for him. my father totally ignored me, he loved his sons, ONLY. and my mother couldn't stand my guts, and prefered BRAGGING on her sons. (yeah, cinderella go back to your corner)

then came the day my dad "realized" the taboo things my mom had been doing to me... he pointed his finger at her and told her to never touch me again. she didn't. BUT things began to grow WORSE in wide variety of other ways!!!

when i got older, i got brazen with her once, and i blurted out that she should 'pick on someone your own size'... her red eyes and full intentions turn towards ME-ONLY now. my brother got a brand-new life--- he was freed!!!! (but actually, he started goading my mom on, praising her for beating ME up?? huh? she liked that!!! it got dangerous for me to be in the home...)

in my life, i have learned to be brave to defend people, but cower under 'violence' done TO ME--- i've learned by my past that people and peers can make it a "sport" to collect (as a group) in UNITY all 'decide' to attack and hate, like it makes them feel pleasure to have this 'united' peaceful assembly. abuse..... please, don't abuse me anymore

[Pixie Jane... you and I BOTH have 389 Industria at SAME degree in Aries, and my Eris is in close conjunction at the end of 8 degrees there.]

*goes back to the assigned punishment dark corner so no one has to be reminded how despicable it is that she lives breathes or exists* ....... and she lived soulfully, watchfully, and only wanted to be a blessing... but was regarded as a curse.

posted April 18, 2013 10:21 AM            

Did I imply something!

I am sorry if I did?

Your energy brings love and light and I absolutley LOVE your posts, and if it wasnt me,,,,,I am sorry for whoever hurt you

posted April 18, 2013 09:12 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by mirage29:
i see members at LL being overtly ignored, making the obvious message to 'get rid' of "us."

<snip>

I don't like it when i see people deliberately snubbed and overlooked for being awkward and practicing to come out of their shells...

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Just in case you think we're ignoring you here, I don't think anyone is, I'm certainly not. I have a lot of air in my chart and so I deal more in ideas than in feelings, and showing sympathy is all well and good but if not done correctly it can come off wrong. If it's important I respond then it's best to ask me something (you did ask me questions here but as I deleted my posts I thought the questions were obviously irrelevant since I didn't need to copyright them, and interesting idea, btw, I never thought someone would take my life story and try to profit from it, I find the idea bemusing and I have no idea how I'd feel if I found out someone had).

And I do know that people can imagine all kinds of slights that don't exist, and usually they come from a background of abuse or bullying. That is if a person is regularly mocked and treated with contempt growing up then innocent words on the net can feel as if it's being delivered with a "mocking, contemptuous tone" to them that was never intended but wrongly perceived as it's expected after years of experience. Likewise, if someone has been deeply hurt by shunning then they may feel they're being shunned when they're not.

And btw I wanted to add I edited on the 16th, until this morning (18th) I haven't been here (and this is my first time to read your post in detail), but then sometimes it takes awhile (few minutes or even hours) before the editing shows (though hitting the refresh helps, perhaps you still saw the unedited version but when you posted you "refreshed" it so it appeared I edited on the 17th, but I hadn't been here at all that day).

posted April 18, 2013 09:16 PM            

------------------
Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted April 19, 2013 01:51 AM            

Thank you both so much for responding... and to hippichick before that. Yes, you are my soul sisters... everyone here at LL.

Haven't read your post in detail yet PJ, but grabbed a copy and will read on the long bus ride I have tomorrow... (I had displaced my left hip the week before easter... froze up, hurts during the night. Going to doc again tomorrow morning. Looong trip.)

yes, computer didn't show your new posts until just now. sorry, too late now because I gotta get up in 4 hours to get ready for busride.... stepping back from the keyboard----(no!! I don't want tooooooo! :sleep: )

Hope all is well with each one of you .... I'll be back.

posted April 20, 2013 01:21 AM            

I can't be in the same room as her. I can't be around her. I've ordered in books on PTSD, and if my mother doesn't look at them, then that's it.

posted April 20, 2013 11:51 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by teasel:
I can't be around my sister, and can't stand to see anyone being nice to her, after what she's put me through. According to my mother, that means I'm obsessively jealous of her (I'm not), and determined to ruin everything.

I can't be in the same room as her. I can't be around her. I've ordered in books on PTSD, and if my mother doesn't look at them, then that's it.

I'm now seeing why some people have said that everyone has an agenda: I see it now, unfortunately.

---

Some folks just dont get it.

Alot of folks are unable to look outside of themselves to consider, perhaps, somebody just may be different than them..

posted April 25, 2013 05:47 PM            

No one said anything that made me change my mind, though I imagined other people seeing it, I think I'd have felt just as uncomfortable in my real life PTSD group that I used to go to had it been held outside in the park with people walking by. It's too public.

posted May 02, 2013 09:29 AM            

I have been in some very low places this week....

This morning I woke up and felt medium-good!

But I lay there and thought should I get up, should I make a cup of coffee and enjoy watching the birds and a clove cigarette? Should I turn the computer on, should I feed the animals, etc.....all my morningritual days off, I am at this point scared to death to throw my brain into another frenzy,

But today is graudation day. My brother offered for me to see a therapist at his funding so my first appointment is today.

Excited!

posted May 02, 2013 03:35 PM            

I think therapy is a great idea....

I have a theory that therapy works best when that person is a "match" to your level of "consciousness".... someone 'awake' to metaphysical world, if that's what you're into....

Wishing you the BEST BEST BEST!!!!!

posted May 02, 2013 08:30 PM            

To talk to someone who understands, listens and does not offer unwanted advice on how to fix my situations.

He said, after hearing my lenghty history from day one of my life, said I have ptsd,upon ptst, upon ptsd....and have been alone from day one an he just kept shaking his head how I have come this far and commended me on my self work.

His plan is to work to intregrate my many emotions, he realizes, as I told him I a quite the empath, psychic at times and he will help me amoung other thiing integrate all of the emotions I pick up along the way as well as my own.

I feel one thounsand pounds lighter already!

At peace.

posted May 03, 2013 02:46 AM            

Sounds like he accepted the part about you being an empath... *exhaling* yay, that is sooooo great!!

You deserve a good 'technician' --- You'd be naturally good at therapy anyway processing on your own, but now you'll have someone who can see all the levels at once for you, while you deal one by one.

Your therapy session is spreading good vibes here....

Did you ever read the book "Feelings Buried Alive Never Die..." by Karol K. Truman?

(It's not a heavy book, but not too "fluffy" either...)

you, hippichick... yay!

posted May 06, 2013 05:16 PM            

Today I felt it, the dark cloud coming...

I decided to not get anxiety, beg for it to go away, etc. I sat in it, figured out where it came from, loved it and sent it away...

phew......

posted May 06, 2013 05:17 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by mirage29:
Oh FANTASTIC!!! hippichick... What a relief!!

Sounds like he accepted the part about you being an empath... *exhaling* yay, that is sooooo great!!

You deserve a good 'technician' --- You'd be naturally good at therapy anyway processing on your own, but now you'll have someone who can see all the levels at once for you, while you deal one by one.

Your therapy session is spreading good vibes here....

Did you ever read the book "Feelings Buried Alive Never Die..." by Karol K. Truman?

(It's not a heavy book, but not too "fluffy" either...)

you, hippichick... yay!

(music) You Are the New Day (King Singers)[2:56] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GeuVBc76jas

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posted May 07, 2013 01:58 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by hippichick:

Today I felt it, the dark cloud coming...

I decided to not get anxiety, beg for it to go away, etc. I sat in it, figured out where it came from, loved it and sent it away...

phew......

Integration of emotions and I have not even had my 2nd session with my therapist yet![/B]

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