posted April 12, 2013 10:53 PM            

I have noticed alot of folks here mention they are afflicted with the darn thing.

ALot on the net is about Nam vets and the vets that followed, there is not alot about domestic abuse, which was my situaion. There is a bit about childhood molestation, and a bit about natural disasters.

There are alot of us out there, and have few resources.

It has taken me ten years to find the right combo of meds. Now, I dont like taking pills, but my brain chemistry is altered forever. So I figure, at 51, I can live my life being controlled by the PTSD brain or I can chemically manipulate my brain so I can atleast feel normal, which I have chosen to do.

When I apporoach retire, I will begin to wean off as I can deal when I dont have anything much going on in my life, but my life is always busy, always someting to do, go, somebody to take care of.

Anybody want to share and learn from eachother?

posted April 13, 2013 10:12 PM            

My story is this:

Myself and my former "husband" got together when we were, me 16 and he 17.

We went nine years without getting married then I got pregnant, so he did the right thing.

He was always an alcohol abuser, but it got worse and worse over the years. I had to flee with young kids a coupla times out of fear.

He turned into a mosnter, holding guns and knives to me as I tried to sleep.

I was so worried about the girls that I hardly ever slept.

So the pathophysiology goes: your brain turns on the fight or flight response. Adrenaline (epinepherine) and nor epinepherine are released enmasse to raise the heart rate, divert blood from your gut to your muscles and heart and brain.

Time after time of all this, my brain became inable to correct itself with seratonin and dopamine, the feel good catecholamines.

Before I got diagnosed, I dated a creepo, who still stalks me, 11 years later, lives down the street, but I think we have finally made peace. But when he was stalking me, here come those fight or flight nasty hormones....I even looked in the mirror one night when he was terrorizing me and my pupils were compeltely dilated!

My OB put me on Lexapro, which took away the anxiety.

Saw a shrink, he put me of effexor, which worked wonderfully, but kept me up all night.

The husband eventually killed himself, at his parents on the morning of his grandma's birthday party...selfish?

To make a very long story short, I have finally found the meds that work for me. I am back on efexor, it is a SNRI, seratonin and norepinepherine uptake inhibitor, so I feel good and happy and not depressed. Prior I had turned to alcohol to give me a dopamine release and calm the brain (self medicating) but now I have liver issues, so I am on the wagon, and with this new med combo, I dont even want it!

I have clonazapam for sleep but dont want to get addicted to it or build up a tolerance so I only use it on my nights before work so I can sleep.

I discovered Tazo Rest tea, with valerian root, it is amazing! I drank two cups last night, with my clonazapam and slept right through the alarm! Tonight I am trying just one cup and I already feel the relaxing effects.

My brain chemistry is altered for ever, and, like I said, when I am not so stressed and not so busy, I will get off the meds, but for now....I feel very, very good!

I held onto hate for him for so long, but I have let that go, this is MY life and he cant hurt me anymore.

PTSD sometimes corrects itself, but it has taken a tole on my heart as well.

Not everybody understands this "dis-ease" and to those who dont you get the commom statements:

Go for a walk,, you will feel better.
Forget about it!
It's all in your head....etc.

Thanks again for listening, I will be here to support anybody, always!

blessins!

posted April 13, 2013 11:32 PM            

Long story short, he tried to take my life 3 times. He was very calculating. He would cut off the phone line from the outside or break in & cut the electricity off. He moved into a house 501 feet away from mine & stalked me. He wasn't in violation because of that niggling 1 foot. I tried everything in my power to get away & the police told me my case wouldn't be a priority until it becomes a homicide case. It was so bad, a police officer off the record told me to buy a gun & shoot him, kill him if I had to, since he had a habit of breaking in anyway. They wouldn't even take me in because I had so many documented complaints. During the trial when I testified against him, he turned around in front of the judge & lawyers and stated "b**ch you better move because when I find you again, I'm gonna kill you". Needless to say though, the case was downgraded from attempted murder to assault with a deadly weapon and he only served less than a year. The lucky part was that he sent to another prison in another state.

I have had my face (literally my face) broken twice, broken ankles, numerous broken fingers from him literally bending them backwards not to mention the concussions and bruises and black eyes. Ive been knocked out unconscious a few times, thrown down stairs or pushed off balconies. Not to mention the emotional abuse, him telling everyone that I was crazy & made it all up.

Me being the stoic Capricorn that I am, I never really thought that I would have a problem afterwards. I figured that with the problem being gone, I could go on with my life. I was good for a few years but then the nightmares started. He was always trying to grab me by my feet & throwing spiders on me. The anxiety started to set in, I wouldn't be able to sleep then the depression set in. I started intensive therapy (regressive therapy which I hated but helped a lot) loud noises would make me jump and upon trepidation started antidepressants. Unfortunately for me, the antidepressants made me drink a lot. I craved it in the worst way & I'm not a drinker. We know that's not a good combination. Unfortunately I lost my job & my healthcare coverage so I wasn't able to continue getting my prescription. It helped a lot...sleep came easy & my nerves didn't feel so shot. The only thing that I didn't like was the weight gain (50 lbs over 2 years).

posted April 14, 2013 02:35 PM            

I've had so much happen to me. I judge me and think mine is not so bad... but it was bad enough to twist my life, and to leave me in a state of not-belonging to this world nor to other people, and even to myself. Don't know how to approach this right now?

But I want you to know that I am interested in this idea of yours hippichick. Thanks for being a healer here, thanks starting it...

I want to reach out and be a part of all this... just want you to know... just want you to know.

Reading pieces of your stories helps me realize how much more real you are. We are typing on the internet. We participate in topics and conversations. But "you" are REAL lives... I am not alone, and yet "you" don't exist in my real life. (no secure connection w roommate; very different from me; standoffish person; this is a pit of cold convenience here... enough to keep body and soul connected but emotionally is deprivation and solitary confinement].

(I've got errands to run, and work to do right now... Will consider what I want to say and how I want to say it. Don't know how much I can say... Even 'this' post is saying 'something' though... I'm here )

posted April 14, 2013 08:23 PM            

NativelyJoan I think you are doing such good things for yourself!Everything you say is so true.

Wow, YTA...no words...just alot of emotion now..

posted April 14, 2013 09:48 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by somethingexcellent:
I had two flashbacks before from my abusive childhood, back when my mumma and father left me and my sister in the care of our twisted uncle. One was minor and just emotional, the other I actually swore I could see things happening again. Both were many years agooooo...

---

Yea, I know of a coupla folks who have a similar issue like yours.

posted April 14, 2013 10:45 PM            

Its not that I dont "care" what people think about me, the people close to me I do, better stated: I have nothing to hide.

I have met my demons and I have no problem telling anybody anything, if asked.

blessins!

posted April 15, 2013 10:42 AM            

What a story....Despicable people do mean things, evil people pick on children...

If I were reading your story and there was just one adult involved, I would probably say that person was projecting his/her own messed up childhood onto you, however....your clan was just plain evil.

This is when I believe in Karma and the laws of the universe, and not so much like you kill somebody you will be killed, rather what you put out, the "flavor" of the energy you get back, and my pagan side believes in spades!

Thanks for sharing and blessings to you, hon!

You sound like you have risen out of hell and become a genuine human be-ing!

posted April 16, 2013 12:28 AM            

One thing I did was take various self-defense courses for women, and one had a member who was part of a PTSD group where people talked and I got invited. It was awhile before I could talk about mine in any detail and it was rough, it's too much like I understand mentally that I'm ok but my adrenaline is coursing and emotionally it feels like I'm in danger.

I think the most useful tip I got was to write down my dreams and then "rewrite them" and imagine them so. I adapted that as I realized my nightmares were very much an echo of childhood--I couldn't lock doors behind me, I was too weak and slow, even if I had a gun it didn't work, etc. Between learning to take care of myself and then using self-hypnosis to teach my inner-child to do the same it helped me feel much better about taking care of myself and I believe that was a crucial reason why the October nightmares and other signs of PTSD began to fade (though not entirely gone as I've found sharing this).

Oh yeah, this worked much like a prayer for me for multiple reasons, it inspires me that as long as I don't give up I'll pull through (so maybe it would be a good idea to find something similar that works for you):

An awful tempest mashed the air,
The clouds were gaunt and few;
A black, as of a spectre's cloak,
Hid heaven and earth from view.

The creatures chuckled on the roofs
And whistled in the air,
And shook their fists and gnashed their teeth,
And swung their frenzied hair.

The morning lit, the birds arose;
The monster's faded eyes
Turned slowly to his native coast,
And peace was Paradise!

--Emily Dickinson

posted April 16, 2013 12:29 AM            

Sometimes I wake up
the monsters just beyond my vision
reaching, grasping, clawing,
my nerves burning in terror
of the past resurrected

Even worse are those times I awaken
feeling empty
feeling nothing
thinking life is loss
for I've lost those I love and myself
and yet if I hadn't
I'd have lost that which I am
and those that I love now
All that is life
requires sacrifice

And beside my lover tonight
I dream of two foxes loving
in spring flowers that ends in Autumn
one fox killed by merciless huntsmen
as one fox heals alone through winter
Spring reveals a new lover
as the fox dances in joy but asks:
will the huntsmen return?
I awaken and realize I am that fox.

October is the month I love and dread the most
with its parties and nightmares
with its joyful laughter in my life
and the piercing screams
that shatter my past and my sleep

I admire the colorful dying world,
love the hint of chill in the air
but dread the tragedy I sense
riding in the wind

October is all around me
Joy and Terror dance within me
As it has been
so shall it be again
the seasons turn
the passions burn
stoking me sweetly
burning me to ashes

October reminds me that the joys of life are not without its toll
The death and loss are our constant companions to life and love
As we wander through a cornucopia
of hazy mirages and shadowy images
Life and Death, Day and Night in eternal dance
The living surrounded by ghosts of the pasts and the future
Ghosts calling my name from within my haunted soul

I was born in October
and surely I will die then, too
From the witch's cauldron we all sprang
and to the cauldron shall we all return
the cauldron of the One we all can't help
but to revere and fear
The witch of my cauldron is named October.

And as I join the witch in laughter,
the nightmares spring
from the shadows within me
haunting me by the knowledge that they have
their real life counterparts
as these echoes of the past
once again pounce

I hold on, I hold on
for I have felt their fangs before
and yet I remain
visible and invisible scars my badges
my pride, my shame
I know morning will come,
frosty and promising
and if it doesn't
then the horrors will no longer have me to haunt
dying with me
or leaving me to find other game

Though I wonder then, should I die
if I'd ever haunt others
just as others have haunted me?
Or would I finally be able to truly rest
the nightmares no more,
my dance and my mosh ended?

posted April 16, 2013 07:21 AM            

------------------
Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted April 17, 2013 02:31 AM            

Pixie Jane.... Awesome. (I have more to say to you... Will be back.) (Found your chart... working on it.)

I echo Faith's comment--- what resilience!

I like seeing your stuff here along with the group, Pixie Jane, rather than alone by yourself.... (But that's just the bear-protection instinct in me. I want to help guard and preserve you.) Integration with the group may have more protection? (doesn't make sense, I know. Somehow I want to keep this energy like wagon-train in old west, making a circle around bonne fire. Protection. Cozy.)

x

Pixie Jane if there were a way you could 'copyright' I strongly think you should? I know and see your instinct... but you also need to think and believe you have a future and protect yourself-- not by 'toughing' it, but by practical safequards. Find a way to share here... AND still control YOUR story?

Your lifestory is worth controlling; others would try to make profits off of it!

x

ADDED:4/17/2013 304am !!!!!

posted April 17, 2013 03:25 AM            

The ABUSE goes on, the staff knows about it, I tried to step forward and was crushed and severely punished for speaking up... I STILL can "see" staff "hurting" people in my memory. And I was punished for trying to "help". NOBODY had the courage to stop their evil peers from abusing....

posted April 17, 2013 03:33 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by PixieJane:
ETA: It's not my nature to expose myself this way so I'm deleting. It's not important anyway as the past can't be changed, just overcoming it is so that the past doesn't taint the future.

---

Your COURAGE to post what you did helped ME face some personal things and take a few steps closer into "purpose"...

Thankyou for having shared these things. I KNOW how personally "icky" it is--- but you MADE a difference in my life by sharing.

posted April 17, 2013 09:10 AM            

It is healing to us all to share!

You have done such good things for yourself, your past made you who you are and you are not a bad thing!