posted April 20, 2013 07:20 AM            

The problem is that I want a close relationship with someone and actually feel good in it, and not be anxious/insecure.

Whenever I start developing feelings for someone - which happens very rarely - I freak out and run away. That's why if I have a crush on someone, in the majority of cases, they're unavailable or don't reciprocate my feelings - that way I'm safe. But if they do, I lose interest straight away. It's literally that immediate - all my feelings for them vanish.

It frustrates me to no end because I want to share my life with someone. I am not unhappy by myself, but I do miss having someone to share love with.

When I'm single and my heart is free, I am a positive person, but the moment someone touches me in a deeper way than usual, I become a mess. And I don't like being a mess. So I run and don't look back.
Back to square one.

How do I stop this? I know many of you are probably thinking "therapy", but is there another way of dealing with this?

And do you think it's true that the fear of intimacy/commitment "disappears" when you meet the right person for you? Or is that just bc?

I also know that the underlying cause of this is probably insecurity/low self-esteem, but how do I heal the broken parts of myself and get over the trauma I experienced in childhood?

posted April 20, 2013 08:14 AM            

Everyone needs healthy shame, as we have to keep parts of us private but unhealthy shame is what you are talking about imo

I have it too. All people who were abused have it,imo
How they can let it go is the hard part. The answer is that we are all flawed and no one is worse than anyone else. However, that is the Teacher's Book answer and does little good when one has not gotten to that place in one's gut. I am on the journey with you.

I think the fact that you could post this question here shows that you are on your way. I don't think you could have when you first came to LL so long ago.

Remember when we first met? You were very shy. Now, you are not. Now, you have the courage to ask a question such as this. You have come a long way.

Love

Ami

------------------
Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted April 20, 2013 08:30 AM            

Bonjour Doux Reve

what i found works with me is to just 'accept' whatever part of me i don't like.

fighting the feeling is what has always caused problems.

like enter a relationship and think "yes i'm in a relationship, and yes i have commitment phobia, and now i'll see where this goes"

it sorts calms down the anxiety a bit!

posted April 20, 2013 09:03 AM            

Jelly, thank you for sharing.
I have been trying to accept myself but it's difficult. When I'm by myself, I don't feel as bad as when someone else enters the picture. I don't really criticise myself but I'm not completely happy with myself either. I'm just scared that showing my imperfections to someone will be humiliating and cause me pain.

Wow, writing this actually makes me nauseous.
Guess that's what facing insecurity does.

posted April 20, 2013 11:36 AM            

You’re facing your demons. That’s brave. Best wishes to you

I’ll share my thoughts n personal experiences. I hope that you’ll find them somewhat helpful.

I think that having a healthy ego and a little selfishness can ease insecurity. It would probably help to focus on your strengths, and see your “flaws” as what make you human.

posted April 20, 2013 12:30 PM            

------------------
Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted April 20, 2013 01:51 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Doux Rêve:
I've always known deep down that I have a fear of commitment and a fear of intimacy, even though I can successfully fool myself into thinking that I'm "normal".

The problem is that I want a close relationship with someone and actually feel good in it, and not be anxious/insecure.

---

Maybe it's not that you fear commitment but traditionally forms of commitment don't suit your tendencies and needs in relationships. That could be a possibility. I'm mean we are all different. We can't expect to all fit into these societal concepts of what defines relationships. I'd look at other areas of your life where you show commitment and dedication. Definitely face your insecurities, and continually push yourself to deal with situations that might feel awkward but might help you better understand yourself and face what's holding you back. I know you've got some Libra placements Doux, which I'm sure might make you strive for ideals that don't exist. People aren't perfect, and because they aren't they'll accept you and vice versa. If they don't accept you, they are not worth your time.

Why do you think you fear intimacy? You mentioned that when someone touches you in a deep way you become a mess and you don't like that. You should allow yourself to work through those feelings. You'll never know where those emotions lead if you don't allow yourself to follow through with them. It seems to me that you also might have issues with control. Are you afraid to let go?

Maybe it's my Aries Moon talking, but I usually just jump right into things. Even incredibly intense situations. The more I've experienced and I guess face my fears, the more I've understood what works for me. I've learned to be a 'let's be friends' first type of person when it comes to relationships, which is harmless. Therefore, feelings grow and develop at a manageable pace. If I rush, then my feelings burn out quickly. I'm aware of what works for me when it comes to relationships. I just try to keep that in perspective without allowing my fears to get the best of me and they have in the past.

posted April 20, 2013 03:49 PM            

NativelyJoan, thank you for your elaborated response.

I'm commitment phobic in every other area of my life. Friendships, projects, professional life.. Everything. I can't dedicate myself to anything and always keep my options open. I always have one foot in, one foot out.

I do have Libra + Virgo, which is deadly in matters of perfection. And yes, I have control issues, now that you mention it. I don't ever appear to be controlling or perfectionistic, I'm actually quite cool and careless. But -really- letting go is hard.

I don't want to get close to people because of past experiences. I know this sounds silly, but I was in love that one time and I almost killed myself because I couldn't handle the intensity of my feelings. So now whenever I feel that my feelings for someone start to get stronger, I'm on defense mode - and that means fleeing because I can't seem to control my feelings once they kick in (hi Pluto).

And the weird thing is that I cannot mentally imagine myself in a relationship with someone I truly love. I can only picture myself with someone I "like" or am attracted to but actual love feelings aren't part of the equation because of mental barriers.

It goes something like this:

love => intense feelings => drama => pain; and if I'm left alone => unbearable pain and death. NO NO NO!

So instead, I choose something like this:

like => mild attraction/light relationship => if something goes wrong, I won't be that hurt.

But obviously the absence of love frustrates me, so I end up losing either way.

Anyway, that's just to show you how my subconscious mind works.

I know things don't need to be that complicated and I'd like to lighten up about this whole thing.

So I don't actually focus on it that much - I just analyse it from time to time, so that I know what I'm dealing with.

I will try to follow your advice and just relax and take my time; and try to take baby steps to overcome some insecurities and fears.

posted April 20, 2013 05:26 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Doux Rêve:
And the weird thing is that I cannot mentally imagine myself in a relationship with someone I truly love. I can only picture myself with someone I "like" or am attracted to but actual love feelings aren't part of the equation because of mental barriers.

It goes something like this:

love => intense feelings => drama => pain; and if I'm left alone => unbearable pain and death. NO NO NO!

So instead, I choose something like this:

like => mild attraction/light relationship => if something goes wrong, I won't be that hurt.

---

I completely understand where you're coming from. Especially considering the mix of your natal placements (Libra/Virgo). I've got Libra Sun/Mercury and South Node in Virgo. I can relate. Just know that love isn't meant to be about pain or misery. We try to attribute those feelings to love, but personally I think those feelings (misery, pain, joy, bliss etc) are more of a reaction to dealing with life. They shouldn't change how we experience love. Love is just love. You allow it or you don't. Don't take it so seriously. What makes love complicated is everything we've created in our lives that surrounds it. Commitment, loyalty, marriage, obligations etc. You can love someone and still have a light relationship with them that doesn't involve an intense all or nothing type reaction or compulsive obligation to one another. Just live and love, allow yourself to experience good and bad emotions. I don't think you need therapy, just get out of your own head and I think you'll be fine. You just need time to grow more secure about yourself.

posted April 20, 2013 09:06 PM            

I will follow your advice ~

posted April 21, 2013 10:24 AM            

Maybe you won't find them relevant to your situation but I thought I'd share this since I believe there are valuable insights to gain from this.

Now it's really great that you have gotten to the heart of it. Knowing the cause can help fixing things or at the very least help us adjust our behavior so we can improve.

posted April 21, 2013 06:26 PM            

I think the most important thing is trying to accept that this is part of you. Once you can say to yourself (and others), "Okay, this is who I am", you're well on your way to finding a better way to deal. You don't even have to like that side of you (we all have our flaws, it makes us human), just take a deep breath and think of how badly you want to deal. I totally think you can. Sharing it here was the first step (like the others said).

I'm sorry all of those feelings came up again. ;_; It's a sign that you're starting to heal - it had to get out and now it is.

Do you think it may still be too soon to fix it? You've gotten far just by knowing what it is and how it goes wrong. Maybe that's enough at the moment. Especially if something like abuse or insecurity is involved, you shouldn't ask too much from yourself. <3 You'll get there. Just take all the time you need. I'm totally rooting for you!!

posted April 21, 2013 07:47 PM            

Yes, I've watched her video before! She makes great points, indeed. Thank you for sharing.

I agree with you, self-awareness isn't necessarily a cure. I can understand what's happening to me but still be unable to actually do anything to change it. I think it takes some practice and time. No way around it.

Aquacheeka,

Glad to hear I'm not alone - though it kinda sucks for you, sorry about that

Well, the way I deal is that I go from one extreme to the other: I start liking someone and then I dislike them. But it's automatic. I don't consciously do it, and it drives me crazy. I can't control it! Which sucks because I can't, for the life of me, keep feelings for someone if they reciprocate. And then it goes on and off - like/dislike, back and forth. I'm torn between wanting to be close and wanting to run away. It literally is an attraction/repulsion dynamic. Very hard to balance things out..

Meissieri,

Thank you very much for your support.
Yes, I think I should try to accept it first instead of wanting to "fix" it at all costs..

And yes, it may be a bit too soon to really solve the problem. I am not interested in anyone romantically speaking right now. So I don't actually have to deal with this issue *now*, but I know eventually I will have to.
Because I want to find a partner and be ready for a relationship. I don't want to mess things up.

But really what annoys me the most is the uncontrollable repulsion I feel whenever I get close to someone. It's so hard to deal with. Like I literally have two people inside me - one who wants the intimacy vs one who is petrified/disgusted and wants to run faaar away.

Maybe if I'm lucky I'll just magically meet someone who'll make the whole issue disappear. That would be quite awesome. But ehh what are the odds, right.

posted April 22, 2013 08:04 PM            

Ah, yeah, it's that little voice, right? "You'll have to deal eventually..." Very hard to get that out of your system. Good of you to focus on yourself right now and not relationships. Take all the time you think you need for it. Wanting things to go right is human, but I would say - idealistic as it is - that someone understanding would support you regardless of how things go. First times are a bit awkward and trying no matter what it is.

Oh, that's awful too. The stuff insecurity can do to you... wanting to move on but then it comes back. The thoughts. If I may ask, are you afraid of disappointing them?

Lol yeah. It always looks so easy in romance fiction...
No, seriously now. It also depends on the partner. If someone knows and is patient, it may be a lot easier for you to relax. Someone who doesn't put pressure on you and who doesn't take it personally if you change your mind. (It's difficult enough to say that, you shouldn't have to feel guilty about it too.) Then maybe you wouldn't feel like running away?

posted April 23, 2013 04:11 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Aquacheeka:
How do you hold yourself back from feeling those intense feelings, though?

---

imho I think that is the very thing that causes the problem.

If we quash our emotions, we quash them all, it leads to something of an empty life. People are either bottling their emotions too much, or directing them all outwards in high intensity bursts. A lot of people today do not take the time to identify, and listen to what their emotions are telling them and just take time to feel them.

It is okay to be sad, it is okay to be jealous, it is okay to be angry, it is okay to be upset, it is okay to be disappointed. All of these emotions that we are told are negative things, things we shouldn't be feeling. They are completely wrong, there is absolutely nothing negative about feeling these things. We are human, our spectrum of emotions is enormous. We are drilled as children not to get angry or jealous, we are drilled as men not to show sadness, we are drilled as women not to show anger.

I'm reading a book, The Language of Emotions by Karla Mclaren. I haven't finished it yet, I wouldn't say it is amazing but it is interesting and talks about reconciling with your emotions, rather than shutting them out.

The issue I see here, is that you associate love with negativity. From the way you felt the last time you were truly in love. That experience is completely yours. No one will know how it felt. I can only say, don't be afraid. As children we fall over and we learn to pick ourselves up and try again. You were in love and it didn't work out, guess what, you are still here. Please think about that and maybe when you are ready give it another go. The worst thing that could happen is that it doesn't work out again, but guess what, you'll still be here. If it doesn't work out, the best part is we still get to look for someone new, someone who is right.

I can't speak for other people but you should not just accept to be with someone who you don't truly love, it is not fair on yourself, and it is not fair on them. You say you are happy to let them love you but only like them back. It seems to me you are afraid of being vulnerable. Brene Brown put it best, vulnerability is a good thing, courage, compassion, innovation, creativity.

Don't give up.

- Chris

posted April 23, 2013 04:17 AM            

quote:

---

Swift Freeze: - Chris

---

posted April 24, 2013 06:32 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by somethingexcellent:
Your name is Chris? That's cute.

---

?

posted April 24, 2013 07:28 AM            

quote:

---

meissieri: If I may ask, are you afraid of disappointing them?

---

Well, yes.
Most importantly, I'm afraid their feelings will change. I have witnessed a lot of instability growing up so I always feel that people can just swith from love to hate/indifference. Maybe I'm projecting my own insecurites on them, I was once diagnosed with a personality disorder (most likely Borderline) and although I don't relate to it anymore, I do feel a constant tension when it comes to love and self-esteem. Like it's all changing and I can never have the security I crave.

I am fairly certain that my style of attachement is fearful/avoidant:

quote:

---

Fearful-Avoidant Personality:

People who grew up with disorganized attachments often develop fearful-avoidant patterns of attachment. Since, as children, they detached from their feelings during times of trauma, as adults, they continue to be somewhat detached from themselves. They desire relationships and are comfortable in them until they develop emotionally close. At this point, the feelings that were repressed in childhood begin to resurface and, with no awareness of them being from the past, they are experienced in the present. The person is no longer in life today but rather, is suddenly re-living an old trauma. These people’s lives are not balanced: they do not have a coherent sense of themselves nor do they have a clear connection with others.

---

So.. that's that.

It makes me sad that I have to deal with it on my own, I feel like a little child who's lost and doesn't have anything or anyone to help. It comes and goes, sometimes I feel fine, but other times I feel helpless.

Anyway, thank you, everyone, for your insight and support.

I really appreciate it.

posted April 24, 2013 08:37 AM            

I have experience with a fearful-avoidant partner. I freely admit that it makes me sad, that the major thing keeping her from me, is her. I know it is a long road, not well lit, and full of dangers and ghosts from the past. But if the day ever comes when she reaches the end, I will be happy that she has worked through it to the point where she can find someone to have a relationship with.

Apparently I am fearful-avoidant however, my childhood was not bad by any means. I would have thought I would fit in closer to Preoccupied and dismissive mix. The last 2 years I have made a lot of progress towards self healing. I wish you the best.

- Chris

posted April 25, 2013 05:19 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by freebrainstorms:
I feel way too strongly to let myself loose myself in someone else, I just can't be broken again.

---

Again?

So you managed to survive and get through it? If you've been through it once, you can make it through again.

Similar sort of thing as climbing a mountain say. Most people will think they just can't do it. If they actually tried, and made it to the top they would be amazed. Maybe pushing yourself to physical exhaustion, mental exhaustion or just pushing yourself to do something you 100% believe you can't. Even if it is little things.

I could not write a poem/song, post it up here in LL. I could not cycle 10 miles. I could not sit down and tell a friend exactly why they are so important in my life. I could not learn a new skill/language/hobby.

Try something small, you will be amazed when you find out it is possible. I don't mean to come across as insensitive because I am definitely not. I understand what it is like to feel so, "broken" as you put it. I understand things like this take time, and you are the only person capable of healing yourself.

- Chris

posted April 25, 2013 04:56 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Doux Rêve:
Well, yes.
Most importantly, I'm afraid their feelings will change. I have witnessed a lot of instability growing up so I always feel that people can just swith from love to hate/indifference. Maybe I'm projecting my own insecurites on them, I was once diagnosed with a personality disorder (most likely Borderline) and although I don't relate to it anymore, I do feel a constant tension when it comes to love and self-esteem. Like it's all changing and I can never have the security I crave.

I am fairly certain that my style of attachement is fearful/avoidant:

So.. that's that.

It makes me sad that I have to deal with it on my own, I feel like a little child who's lost and doesn't have anything or anyone to help. It comes and goes, sometimes I feel fine, but other times I feel helpless.

Anyway, thank you, everyone, for your insight and support.

I really appreciate it.

And I agree with you, Chris. Very good points.

---

Ahh the lack of stability. That's no way to go through life.

Borderline? Wow. Yeah, that's going to leave a mark. Glad you're trying to deal, despite the anxiety. I know the feeling of wanting security *sigh* It looks so easy for everyone else, right?

Wow at that article. That's how it goes, doesn't it? You block it all out to make sure you can make it through...
(Interesting, Pluto is retrograde right now. Digs up anything repressed. Could be a good moment to deal with it.)

That just sucks. At first, it can be such a good way to cope, being all independent, but it's tough ending up alone when you don't want to be. It's like you have to learn how to take care of that other part of you. Stuff that other people got was what you had to fight for to get.

But that's the beauty of astrology. You can work those issues out from a more detached point of view. The chart lays it out and you fill in the rest.