posted April 25, 2013 01:22 AM            

We are all in our 20s (generational differences would be significant as well!)

posted April 25, 2013 02:37 AM            

"Nice guy" - treats a woman with respect,is considerate, supportive and understanding. A nice guy won't hesitate to help someone in distress. It does not mean that he doesn't know how to be assertive (both male and female need to assertive so that they are not taken advantage of).
A nice guy does not mean to be weak or a wuss.

A jerk - personally my definition of a jerk depends on how and when it's used.
Most times, the term jerk is used to describe the opposite of a nice guy.
There are occasions I use it when someone is being annoying ie. "Stop being a jerk!"

As mentioned, these definitions vary from person to person.

posted April 25, 2013 02:43 AM            

"..when you are a young girl on the playground, when a boy pulls your hair your parents tell you that they only do that b/c they like you..."

Had not thought of that, but it is sort of true.

Larger point, imo, "jerks" are at least interesting, ime, "nice guys" are a bit dull.

Who wants to be bored? or made to feel stupid?

posted April 25, 2013 02:48 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by YoursTrulyAlways:
The problem lies in the difference in the perception of what constitutes a "bad guy."

And I pride myself in being a "jerk" when I need to be. So, the process of being a "jerk" can be transitional.

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Exactly, it's all fun and games until there is a time when a tough decision needs to be made, then the whole sort of "poll the group to see" thing is nonsensical/

Sometimes, one does have to wear the tall hat and make a decision that won't go over well, one knows that beforehand, but it still has to be done.

"Nice Guys" tend to really botch that, they air their doubts, if they doubt it, why would anyone else believe it?

posted April 25, 2013 03:08 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Padre35:

Actually, chatted with a young bartendress about this and she had a fascinating take on it:

"..when you are a young girl on the playground, when a boy pulls your hair your parents tell you that they only do that b/c they like you..."

Had not thought of that, but it is sort of true.

Larger point, imo, "jerks" are at least interesting, ime, "nice guys" are a bit dull.

Who wants to be bored? or made to feel stupid?

Women love to think, (see worry) and a man with nothing going on is rarely interesting enough to think about.

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posted April 25, 2013 03:11 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by charmainec:
A man can be a combination of a jerk and nice guy? Does it mean he can only be labelled as one of those?

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"Nasshole"?

I do agree, this, for me, is why being a "gentlemen" is the middle ground that works well.

posted April 25, 2013 03:58 AM            

quote:

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jerks" are at least interesting, ime, "nice guys" are a bit dull

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quote:

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Women love to think, (see worry)

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A man can be psychologically interesting and not be aggressive or nasty towards a woman or play stupid games like trying to make her jealous or what not... or pull on her hair lmao

This game-playing kind of thing is very *basic*.
I mean it's not interesting *enough* - or at least, it's not from my perspective.
I would feel like the man in question is a waste of time... and since I have quite a bit of Cappy influence I do not like to waste my time. I'm sure there are other women who would also feel this way.

I actually feel bored by the kinds of things classified as typical 'bad-boyish' behaviour.
I don't see how this ^ is not boring.

For me to find something psychologically stimulating - it has to have more intellectual content and layers... but I'm pretty psychologically frantic (all over the place: Merc square Uranus) - I guess I'm not easily stimulated.

posted April 25, 2013 04:14 AM            

A person with a healthy self-esteem thinks - "what do I get out of this relationship? is this situation making me happy overall? do I feel good? does this man make me feel sexually satisfied, good overall? do I find him emotionally understanding/mentally stimulating? basically.... *how* does he improve my life/ what does he BRING that is positive into my life?"

NOW a very selfish person who is in the opposite extreme.. would ONLY think about themselves..

A person with a healthy level of self esteem would think about themselves (what do I get?) but also about the other person (what do I have to GIVE them?? am I making THEM happy?)...

posted April 25, 2013 04:15 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Odette:
A man can be psychologically interesting and not be aggressive or nasty towards a woman or play stupid games like trying to make her jealous or what not... or pull on her hair lmao

This game-playing kind of thing is very *basic*.
I mean it's not interesting *enough* - or at least, it's not from my perspective.
I would feel like the man in question is a waste of time... and since I have quite a bit of Cappy influence I do not like to waste my time. I'm sure there are other women who would also feel this way.

I actually feel bored by the kinds of things classified as typical 'bad-boyish' behaviour.
I don't see how this ^ is not boring.

For me to find something psychologically stimulating - it has to have more intellectual content and layers... but I'm pretty psychologically frantic (all over the place: Merc square Uranus) - I guess I'm not easily stimulated.

This is like watching a soap opera from my perspective. Mentally I have the same reaction - and soap operas put me to sleep as well.

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Yep, for me though, it's interesting, I pride myself on being able to hold a conversation with anyone, from a politician to a doctor to a mechanic. So there is some charm there yet to be had.

Not the whole "bad boy" stuff, but seeing how people react with one another. For example the sort of longing look the "nice guy' has towards a women, the looks women give men they like and the male is usually just oblivious to it all.

I've been friends with "bad boys" and never really got the whole thing. Usually they are self abosrbed, boring pos's whom I just do not really care for b/c they are obnoxious.

posted April 25, 2013 11:59 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Odette:
The way I would define the self-esteem issue is:

A person with a healthy self-esteem thinks - "what do I get out of this relationship? is this situation making me happy overall? do I feel good? does this man make me feel sexually satisfied, good overall? do I find him emotionally understanding/mentally stimulating? basically.... *how* does he improve my life/ what does he BRING that is positive into my life?"

NOW a very selfish person who is in the opposite extreme.. would ONLY think about themselves..

A person with a healthy level of self esteem would think about themselves (what do I get?) but also about the other person (what do I have to GIVE them?? am I making THEM happy?)...

But - a person with low self esteem ONLY thinks about it from the other person's perspective... so they think about satisfying the -other- person, whilst being masochistic and not thinking about themselves.
This is just a more in-depth explanation of the self-esteem problem.. Because a girl with low self esteem will not STOP and THINK.. hang on a second!!! what AM I GETTING out of this situation??
They will simply get caught up in a cycle of pain and pleasure.. where because they have low self-esteem they believe they deserve pain or that they deserve nothing - and on some masochist level they are SO damaged and hurt - that it gives them pleasure to continue being hurt.

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Very wise. I wish I had your wisdom, often Odette.

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Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted April 25, 2013 01:27 PM            

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Originally posted by aquaguy91:
All I know is all the excuses that women give for not being attracted to nice guys are Bs,atleast for me. I am nice guy but I'm also assertive and honest and dont take sh*t laying down, I always speak my mind. So all the bogus excuses about nice guys being spineless wussies is not true for me at all. Besides theres another issue that these women never want to address , They never explain or give any sound reasoning as to why an abusive a**hole who happens to be confident and assertive is more attractive then a guy who is nice and would be a great partner but his only downsides are being less confident and less assertive. Imo it should be no contest , The nice guy is a much better bet then the a**hole. I can see why confidence would be sexy to a woman but confidence without anything to back it up is useless. Most of these confident jerks are jokes and have no substance to them. But they are oh soo confident and get the women moist so the women are able to overlook all their bad qualities.

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Well let me ask you AG, they don't owe you an explanation of any sort, why would they bother justifying their choices to you?

posted April 25, 2013 03:22 PM            

Some women like a challenge. They feel they can change the guy, and be the one who wins him over, and brings him out of the dark side.

Some women only find the jerks/bad boys attractive. Just like some guys find the "bad girl" appealing. They seem exciting, sexy and all that jazz. Lots of fun.

Some women don't know any better. Or were never treated right, and keep flocking to the same type of relationships thinking jerks are the norm. They don't know good guys actually exist, or they think their not good enough for a good guy if they do know they exist.

posted May 23, 2013 02:52 PM            

It seems a woman prefers to be with a man she desires and who desires her, which usually involves the lower chakra energy. The “nice” part tends to reside in the higher chakras… so, to sum it up, it may be that her ideal is a desirable man who can protect her as well as treat her well.

posted May 23, 2013 11:39 PM            

quote:

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a woman prefers to be with a man she desires and who desires her

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posted May 24, 2013 12:50 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Odette:
hmmm......
But that's not enough.
Because - what about performance?
What if we desire each other - and when we get down to it - it's not enjoyable - because we don't have physical chemistry or because he is not good at it?

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Desire is the first step. If there's no desire to begin with, you won't even get to performance. It all begins with what's related to the base chakras.

The title of the thread is "Why Do Women Say They Want A Nice Guy, But Then They Date A Jerk?" "Nice" tends to be associated with the upper chakras, whereas more base behavior is associated with the lower chakras. You can't reach the upper chakras without first experiencing the lower chakras. What is optimally sought after is a balance of the chakras: desirable and protective (lower chakras) and being treated well (upper chakras).