posted June 23, 2013 01:07 PM            

That's something the shrinks and councilors won't tell you. Something that they'll actively deny.

The worst part is, it makes you feel worse if you think there's something wrong with you for even momentarily thinking that it might be an option... because there's such a stigmata on it. Don't let it do that to you.

It IS an option. It IS a choice. And thinking otherwise will only make you worse off than you are.

We have a lot of those kinds of choices in our lives.... right now, if I wanted to, I could strip down to nothing and go outside to check my mail. Am I going to? No.

I tell this to anyone who contemplates these things.. why? Because when I was 18 I almost succeeded, and after that I got stuck in therapy where they tried to rid me of that choice... it only made things worse. It made me feel like there was something wrong with me because I understood that it was a choice.

I don't want that to happen to anyone else.

I'm not here to make you feel better about yourself, or to try and talk you out of it or whatever. There are plenty of people here with a gentler touch than me.

Rather, I'm more worried about the future... then next time your issues exceed your ability to cope. Because this thought will pop up... I want you to understand:
Once it is an option, it will always be an option.

It may not be a viable option, but it will always be there, sitting in the back of your head during the bad times. And that is normal. That is ok, there is nothing wrong with you for having that momentary thought, however fleeting and however unviable it is.

Ok?
Ok.

Now gtfo there and make life worth it.
Know what I did? I packed everything I could fit in my car and just started driving. Ended up 700 miles away. I thought, well, if things are bad enough that I want to make it all end, then it can't get worse... and if it can't get worse then let's see what it's like. That was a year ago, and oh this last year sucked. I've been unemployed twice, almost staved to death, got scurvy because of it... just to name a tiny fraction of my issues... but it was an experience.

You want some advice? Start small. Go out and do something stupid, not something that would hurt anyone, just something stupid. Skip down the middle of the street. Run when you would normally walk. Sing poorly at the top of your lungs in a crowded elevator. Go to a park and play on the monkey bars. Chase after pigeons. Walk into a restaurant, order some food and then leave. Whistle at guys as your driving down the road. Take your dog to a dog park and pretend you're a dog right along side it. Pretend to be from a foreign country and talk to strangers in gibberish. You get the idea... stupid things, things that you wouldn't normally do. Things that you would be frightened to do for no reason.

The world is more forgiving than people believe. And people hold themselves back from doing stupid things because they're afraid of... other people.

posted June 23, 2013 04:03 PM            

I am really glad you survived all that!

Indeed, once an option, it remains an option. That you can spin to your advantage. That is something that I always had in the back of my head. I mean, I could always do it later if things would get worse. It sort of made me feel safe, knowing that I had a way out, in case I needed it. For me, that feeling of safety is important. Like, I saved quite a stash of antidepressants and anxiety pills, "just in case". They don't tempt me but it feels safe to know I have them, if I will ever need them (note to self: check expire date!!). That's how I see suicide. It's an extreme choice, but a choice that I have and will have at a later time too. Why rush? Who knows what I'd be missing out on if I do it now?

Another eye opening experience was when I derailed my car. In those couple of seconds you know what I thought? "I don't wanna die. Despite everything, I don't wanna die! I just don't want to live like this".

Epiphany.

You can always change your life. Because you're not some leaf in the wind. You always have choices. Stay as you are or change.

posted June 24, 2013 10:14 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Randall:
That made me teary-eyed. Anytime.

---

posted June 24, 2013 10:17 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Hera:
When I was very deeply into my depression and suicidal, a while back, I accidentally came across this guy on youtube. Perhaps you heard of him, I didn't, before this. I was very touched by his story and humbled by his immense enthusiasm and appetite for life, when I was so ready to give mine away. If you can, do seek professional help. It really makes a difference. And, like others have said, sometimes you lack the necessary resources to deal with everything that's on your plate. And that's okay and it's alright to seek help, if you can.

Oh, here's who I was talking about. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXlCeKBWfaA

I don't remember which video I saw back then but it's of no importance.

I know things can get really hopeless sometimes.. Believe me, I KNOW. But hang in there and give life another shot. It does get better. You have all it takes to change it and turn it around!

---

Hera you are my

I didn't realize you had gone through this too. But this place is so special. I may be alone here in this place but feel so honored and humbled to be so supported by people like you, Randall and of course Ami

posted June 24, 2013 10:24 AM            

How spooky is this??? I have his book a friend lent it to me last week!!!!

I took a pic cos its so unbelievable

posted June 24, 2013 10:29 AM            

------------------
Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted June 24, 2013 11:12 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sashar:
Once it's an option, it's always an option.

That's something the shrinks and councilors won't tell you. Something that they'll actively deny.

The worst part is, it makes you feel worse if you think there's something wrong with you for even momentarily thinking that it might be an option... because there's such a stigmata on it. Don't let it do that to you.

It IS an option. It IS a choice. And thinking otherwise will only make you worse off than you are.

We have a lot of those kinds of choices in our lives.... right now, if I wanted to, I could strip down to nothing and go outside to check my mail. Am I going to? No.

I tell this to anyone who contemplates these things.. why? Because when I was 18 I almost succeeded, and after that I got stuck in therapy where they tried to rid me of that choice... it only made things worse. It made me feel like there was something wrong with me because I understood that it was a choice.

I don't want that to happen to anyone else.

I'm not here to make you feel better about yourself, or to try and talk you out of it or whatever. There are plenty of people here with a gentler touch than me.

Rather, I'm more worried about the future... then next time your issues exceed your ability to cope. Because this thought will pop up... I want you to understand:
Once it is an option, it will always be an option.

It may not be a viable option, but it will always be there, sitting in the back of your head during the bad times. And that is normal. That is ok, there is nothing wrong with you for having that momentary thought, however fleeting and however unviable it is.

Ok?
Ok.

Now gtfo there and make life worth it.
Know what I did? I packed everything I could fit in my car and just started driving. Ended up 700 miles away. I thought, well, if things are bad enough that I want to make it all end, then it can't get worse... and if it can't get worse then let's see what it's like. That was a year ago, and oh this last year sucked. I've been unemployed twice, almost staved to death, got scurvy because of it... just to name a tiny fraction of my issues... but it was an experience.

You want some advice? Start small. Go out and do something stupid, not something that would hurt anyone, just something stupid. Skip down the middle of the street. Run when you would normally walk. Sing poorly at the top of your lungs in a crowded elevator. Go to a park and play on the monkey bars. Chase after pigeons. Walk into a restaurant, order some food and then leave. Whistle at guys as your driving down the road. Take your dog to a dog park and pretend you're a dog right along side it. Pretend to be from a foreign country and talk to strangers in gibberish. You get the idea... stupid things, things that you wouldn't normally do. Things that you would be frightened to do for no reason.

The world is more forgiving than people believe. And people hold themselves back from doing stupid things because they're afraid of... other people.

If you're thinking about doing something as stupid as removing yourself from the world... don't you think it's worth a little time of doing other stupid things first? If for no other reason than to just see what it's like?

---

Sashar ...you made me do what I haven't done in ages....giggle!! And you know what? I'm such a creature if habit and so compliant. I'm actually going to try some of those things. Maybe it's me being compliant to your suggestions who cares...you make perfect sense.

And it's true that once a choice, always a choice. And I guess I don't have the problem I am the problem. Ending the problem by taking my life will also be the end of me. End of problem? I don't know. But the round about conclusion this is bringing me to is if I know what the problem is I can try to solve it

I tried the shrink route and it didnt work for me either. I would rather be here and learn from real people who have been through hell and have real advice to give

I'm not the only one with problems and there are people who have been through far worse .

Give up, give in or give it my all....THESE are the choices yes?

posted June 24, 2013 11:53 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Natsukashii:
Sashar ...you made me do what I haven't done in ages....giggle!! And you know what? I'm such a creature if habit and so compliant. I'm actually going to try some of those things. Maybe it's me being compliant to your suggestions who cares...you make perfect sense.

And it's true that once a choice, always a choice. And I guess I don't have the problem I am the problem. Ending the problem by taking my life will also be the end of me. End of problem? I don't know. But the round about conclusion this is bringing me to is if I know what the problem is I can try to solve it

I tried the shrink route and it didnt work for me either. I would rather be here and learn from real people who have been through hell and have real advice to give

I'm not the only one with problems and there are people who have been through far worse .

Give up, give in or give it my all....THESE are the choices yes?

---

I don't think I would have used the words "I don't have a problem, I am the problem." They don't seem right, like you're blaming yourself, which is the opposite of what is true... but then I also know that isn't what you mean. At all.

I've also been to a shrink off an on throughout my life. Believe it or not, sometimes it is actually helpful, but only the times where I actually wanted to go.

My advice comes from January 5th, a date set a year in advance, in a bathtub with anticoagulants running through me and a razor blade in my hand.

I sat there, and it seemed like at the last second I realized... "Wait! I can change this. I don't like where I am and I can change it. It may not end up being any better, but really look at where I am, how much worse could it get?" (And while it could get a whole lot worse, after changing it once, I realized, I could do it again... and again... and again... until I'm finally satisfied with where and who I am. It may never happen, but I'm confident that it will, eventually. And each time I learn, that's the best part. I learn more about myself and more about how to fix the things that I don't like.

Also, yeah, you're not the only one with problems... and there ARE people who have been through a lot worse. But one man's paper cut is another man's broken arm. lol We're on an astrology forum, we have physical proof that everyone is different and can explain why. You can't judge your emotions based on others (unless it makes you feel better, then by all means go for it), because other people aren't you. Who's to say one person losing their job isn't as devastating as another person becoming paralyzed from the waist down?

Give up, give in, or give it your all. And don't beat yourself up when your all isn't good enough, cause that's just life throwing you a curve ball to make sure you're paying attention to the journey as well as the destination.

posted June 25, 2013 12:12 PM            

Because I know you will get it
by William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul

We are still standing. You me and so many others who have lived through the dark night of the soul and lived to tell the tale.

You know why you dint die? Because your will to live is stronger. Sometimes all it takes is the knowledge that someone cares. Randall asked me if I had a roof over my head, if I had eaten that day, if I love someone and if someone loves me

It was a wake up because my answer to all of that was yes....I realized I had to be grateful for my blessings...to write my troubles in sand and carve my blessings in stone

I'm still scared, still lonely but I feel better since speaking to Ami, Hera, you and the others

Your are special...we all are....and as you showed me today we can add value to someone's life and not even realize it

as Bill Bryson says here..

Never forget that of 400 million or so of your father's spermatozoa that scrambled for courtship in your mother’s uterus, you survived a 1 in 400 million chance of being born. The chance that your mother was ovulating that day: about 2 in 28. The chance that your father was going to get lucky that night: 1 in 10. The chance that they would meet in a world of 5 billion people: 1 in 3 million. The chance that in the entire history of all homo sapiens they would be born in the same timeframe to permit childbirth: 1 in 4 billion. The chance that homo sapiens would evolve from primordial gas: 1 in 45 trillion. The chance that earth would permit life altogether in a universe of uninhabitable planets: 1 in 750 quadrillion.

You have ONE life to live. Fill it up with all you want to do before its too late!
In the end, you might have had a 1 in 500 trillion gazillion chance of being born. Congratulations. Good show. Bravo. The chance of you now having a resplendent life is singularly up to you. (Bill Bryson)