posted July 03, 2013 03:19 AM            

There were moments I thought I'd treat the person/s the way they treat me but I can't be that way. It feels wrong and it doesn't solve anything. In fact, it makes it worse.

posted July 03, 2013 04:20 AM            

I've really opened up when feeling devastated - I still do - it's like I really have no filter anymore. And to have someone roll their eyes at you, or do something similar to make you feel, or know, that you aren't being taken seriously - that's even worse than the initial hurt.

posted July 03, 2013 04:27 AM            

I can understand not wanting to tell someone they've hurt you. The reactions we want are sympathy, understanding, and empathy. The reactions we expect are usually, frustration, anger, maybe distancing.

The problem is, that this feeling of hurt stays with us, unresolved. It gently gnaws away at us, tells us that something is not right, that we're not okay. In the extremes, if it is not dealt with, it can lead to, a loss of trust, a loss of closeness, a loss of feeling like they care, a loss of self worth & confidence, and maybe eventually a total breakdown of the relationship, whether family, friend, or lover.

I don't know what you've been through, or are going through, and I don't know what the best way for you to resolve this hurt feeling is. There is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling hurt, everyone does. It is not a negative feeling in any way.

I used to hold on to my hurt, which wasn't good for me. Now I listen to it, I accept that I am hurting, and generally I will talk to the person,
"Hi, can I talk with you just for a minute? Listen what you said/did the other day it hurt me...
because...
it made me feel like...
I felt like you didn't care about how I would feel...
you know that I don't like...
you know it upsets me...
you know that what I have been through..."

It does make you vulnerable, incredibly vulnerable. But some of the strongest people, are those who accept vulnerability, who are willing to show it.

There was a link somewhere in these forums to a TED talk about vulnerabilty, where the speaker was a woman who admitted to having a nervous breakdown. Did the audience laugh? Well maybe a little but in a sympathetic way. Did the audience think she was a courageous and strong person? Almost certainly. To get up in front of a massive crowd of people, to have it recorded so it can be broadcast on youtube or TV, to then admit to vulnerabilities, like having a breakdown, takes incredible courage and a strong person.]

I feel like i've gone off on a tangent here so i'll digress.

From what you have written,

"Maybe it's the fear of not sounding tactful enough and the other person might have a negative response"

It seems you may already have an idea of what it is, maybe you fear it could lead to total rejection.

Maybe expressing hurt, is admitting that you care about that person so much, that they can cause you that much emotional pain. Maybe that scares you a little, for you to feel like someone has that power. Maybe you feel it would scare them a little.

Like Teasel said, if you tell someone, and they make you feel like your feelings don't matter. That doesn't feel nice. But it is a good way to find out who truly cares.

The only person who has the absolute answer, is you. Inside yourself somewhere is the reason, and you will find it, if you decide it is something you want to look for and discover. The one thing I can say, is that if you do decide to look for it, when you find it, and if you decide to embrace it and understand it. It will make you a stronger person, with more to give.

Emotions are like a minefield, and not everyone is a kick ass minesweeper.

It takes people time, and more importantly the desire, to learn how to care about and for other people.

As you well know, I let my hurt out through my song writing.

I wish you best.

- Chris

posted July 03, 2013 05:37 AM            

You hit the nail on the head with your response. The part about being vulnerable and then being rejected.. I didn't give much thought to it until I read your reply. It could be not wanting someone to take advantage of your weakness with a snarky, sarcastic or insulting reaction.

The thing is, generally, that is usualy the type of reactions I get (not everyone but most). After a while you become so accustomed to it that you anticipate a negative reaction before discussing it with them. It still doesn't prepare you for that feeling of rejection as it hurts each and every time.

Once, I ran through how I was going to word what the problem was in my mind before actually talking to the person to make sure it didn't sound offensive..
I said, " I don't appreciate *inserts negative action here* and felt hurt that.."
Instead the repsonse was," You don't have to APPRECIATE anything."

It was like a slap in the face. I was deeply hurt. It felt as if the person was mocking my use of the English language by giving such a sarcastic response. So what if I didn't phrase it properly? Maybe I should have said," I would appreciate it if *inserts solution*",instead. But that is a classical example of how people can use a weakness against you.

posted July 03, 2013 06:32 AM            

Writing poetry is my way of expressing those things which are difficult for me to relay to another.

Thanks for the food for thought and advice, Chris.

posted July 03, 2013 06:35 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Twirl:
Sorry you feel hurt Charmainec
Here's the link to the TED talk I think was meant. It's on vulnerability http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

Might help

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Thank you, Twirl. Will check it out.

posted July 03, 2013 05:39 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by charmainec:
[B]Chris,

You hit the nail on the head with your response. The part about being vulnerable and then being rejected.. ]

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posted July 04, 2013 02:19 AM            

PS. I have responded to serveral of your posts in other threads with no reply from you and I don't take it personally at all. I know that you don't always return to every thread where you've posted or sometimes forget.

posted July 04, 2013 02:28 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Randall:
Sometimes when arguing, emotions (including but not limited to anger) cloud judgment, and people will say things they don't mean.

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I agree.

But don't we all hide our feelings of hurt behind anger?

OR....am I the only one who does that?

posted July 04, 2013 03:30 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by teasel:
Yeah, that's what I was getting at. I've experienced it too often now - like I'm feeling weird that you ignored me here, and in another thread. I'm thinking about just not talking at all anymore. Sometimes I feel as though I should never have bothered. I should have stayed the way I used to be. it was easier staying quiet, although people didn't always know what to do with me.

---

I'm like you Teasel, I don't really feel included here, but that is okay. I have my own issues, and really I don't want to be included. It's nice to not have anyone expect anything of me, to expect me to answer threads, or respond to call outs. I can flit around and browse, post occasionally. I am not part of any one group. If you want to be part of something, great, be part of something. I'm pretty much someone who keeps to themselves, and I find it very tough because most people insist on making things complicated. I'm sure I make things complicated too.

Anyway my point was...
I'm a quiet person too, people very rarely respond to any of my posts. At least you've mentioned it to Miss Charmaine. Maybe that makes it feel a little less weighty?

- Chris

posted July 04, 2013 01:59 PM            

I reminded him of the day, long ago, when a coupla local rock station dj's had the Friday Primal Scream....

They would announce "I dont give a dammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm" as it faded off to some sort of electronic thing....

Kind of off subject, I know, but just getting out, somewhere and screaming, all alone, all~one, I think, maybe perhaps, the first step to being able to express other botteled up emotions.

be blessed lady!

posted July 05, 2013 04:02 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Jessica2407:
But I like reading your posts Swift Freeze. It's obvious that you put so much of yourself in the posts you write

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Psshhh, yeah that so totally isn't true...

posted July 05, 2013 11:17 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Swift Freeze:
Psshhh, yeah that so totally isn't true...

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you mean you don't?

LOL

posted July 09, 2013 09:01 AM            

A friend of mine is outspoken and she's trying to get a handle on her mouth. She's actually become almost a hermit because she is suddenly at this point where she doesn't trust herself to say the right thing. I think her sun just progressed into Pisces...hmm...

Anyway, she just kills me sometimes. Says things that cut deep, but she says it offhandedly like she seriously has no idea that she's trampling me. So I just take a big gulp and tell myself that she didn't mean it that way...overall, I know she values my friendship very much. I keep focused on that and don't touch the other stuff.

And I"m like that pretty much with everyone who hurts my feelings. There are times when I express my hurt and it comes across as anger, but really I'm just hurt.

My husband says I'm a poor communicator. It could be my refusal to articulate my ultra-sensitivity, because part of me believes I have no objective ground to stand on when I feel hurt, anyway (Aquarius Mercury may be a culprit here.)

posted July 09, 2013 09:12 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by charmainec:
It's a week later and I still have not discussed anything with the person. :/
I just don't know anymore..

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Then it is time to speak up Charm. Don`t let it fester and become an inner soul sore.

Take a deep breath and go

posted July 09, 2013 09:18 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by charmainec:
It's a week later and I still have not discussed anything with the person. :/
I just don't know anymore..

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If you want to talk about it some more, this is a safe, secure & supportive place to do so. I'll be around to listen. If you don't want to talk, that's okay too, just do things at your own pace and what feels comfortable for you.

- Chris

posted July 09, 2013 09:22 AM            

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Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted July 09, 2013 09:28 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Swift Freeze:
If you want to talk about it some more, this is a safe, secure & supportive place to do so. I'll be around to listen. If you don't want to talk, that's okay too, just do things at your own pace and what feels comfortable for you.

- Chris

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posted July 09, 2013 09:38 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Faith:
I'll have to check her chart. She is a Cap sun/moon/Mercury and I think it makes her a bit cold. She's a great person, I love her, but she is VERY Capricorn and that can be hard for even me sometimes.

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Check out the water. I can feel low water in people. They can be clueless such that they can say hurtful things and not realize it.They really don't get it and you cannot make them see out of eyes and a chart that has water.

They also do not get subtle humor.

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Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal