Author
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Topic: When Your Partner Lies To You
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Aquacheeka Knowflake Posts: 2884 From: Toronto Registered: Mar 2012
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posted October 16, 2013 09:09 AM
When you find out that your partner has been lying to your face for months about something that may not seem like a big deal to other people, but nevertheless is a VERY BIG DEAL to YOU, what do you do?No third parties are involved here but the act of being lied to and finding out that one of my biggest turnoffs has been going on for months has killed all sexual attraction. Is there a way back from this? IP: Logged |
12muddy Knowflake Posts: 1006 From: Registered: Feb 2013
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posted October 16, 2013 09:12 AM
First I'd like to go the shed and smash things. Then I'd want to sit down and talk to him. I'd want to know his intentions and his reasons. I'd spend some time away from him, to think about our situation. I'd like to believe that we would eventually work things out. But idk I have a list of the non-negotiables and if he neglected that list, I'd find it very very hard to reconcile.
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YoursTrulyAlways Knowflake Posts: 6361 From: Registered: Oct 2011
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posted October 16, 2013 09:46 AM
There's no return.It's over as far as I'm concerned. IP: Logged |
Padre35 Knowflake Posts: 2597 From: Asheville, NC, US Registered: Jul 2012
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posted October 16, 2013 11:47 AM
Hmm, agree with YTA, the well is poisoned now, it will always be remembered IP: Logged |
Ami Anne Moderator Posts: 49767 From: Pluto/house next to NickiG Registered: Sep 2010
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posted October 16, 2013 11:52 AM
TRUE repentance may save it but TRUE is rare ------------------ Want To Ask Any Question About Bible Prophecy? Go For it. It is Free, of course. http://www.mychristianpsychic.com/
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Zander916 Knowflake Posts: 1070 From: Midwest Registered: Aug 2013
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posted October 16, 2013 12:32 PM
Porn? Anyway.... depending what it is. I bring up porn simply because that's what it sounds like to me. (No third parties, lies, loss of sexual attraction)
It just depends what it is. Porn as my example because it makes a good example, and is what came to mind when I read this. That can be a real addiction and problem. It releases "excitement" chemicals in the brain, similar to being hooked on drugs. It is in fact, it's just not drugs that you take in but drugs which are created inside the body. Well I'll quit preaching on that. It just depends what it is. It CAN be reconciled. It's how badly they want it. I know this married couple from work. He used to smoke marijuana all day every day and play video games. His then soon to be wife REALLY didn't like it. He kept promising to quit. They were building a house together, literally building it with some help. She kept wondering where he'd gone to only to find him over at his brothers getting high and playing games, or in the basement somewhere doing it instead of helping finish the house. On one occasion she was so angry she immediately packed up her things and went to go live in a friends house. She did stay there for a while. He begged for her to come back. She told him, only if you quit. She was totally serious, and he knew it. He did quit and 9 years later they are still happily together. It's possible. IP: Logged |
Lexxigramer Moderator Posts: 3437 From: The Etheric Realms...Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat...& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion! Registered: Feb 2012
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posted October 16, 2013 12:53 PM
I do not tolerate liars.IP: Logged |
Aquacheeka Knowflake Posts: 2884 From: Toronto Registered: Mar 2012
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posted October 16, 2013 01:06 PM
quote: Originally posted by Zander916: Porn? Anyway.... depending what it is. I bring up porn simply because that's what it sounds like to me. (No third parties, lies, loss of sexual attraction)
It just depends what it is. Porn as my example because it makes a good example, and is what came to mind when I read this. That can be a real addiction and problem. It releases "excitement" chemicals in the brain, similar to being hooked on drugs. It is in fact, it's just not drugs that you take in but drugs which are created inside the body. Well I'll quit preaching on that. It just depends what it is. It CAN be reconciled. It's how badly they want it. I know this married couple from work. He used to smoke marijuana all day every day and play video games. His then soon to be wife REALLY didn't like it. He kept promising to quit. They were building a house together, literally building it with some help. She kept wondering where he'd gone to only to find him over at his brothers getting high and playing games, or in the basement somewhere doing it instead of helping finish the house. On one occasion she was so angry she immediately packed up her things and went to go live in a friends house. She did stay there for a while. He begged for her to come back. She told him, only if you quit. She was totally serious, and he knew it. He did quit and 9 years later they are still happily together. It's possible.
What if he had blamed her for his smoking marijuana all and playing video games all day and said she made him do it more? Do you think that could have been reconciled?
Also, it's not porn. Do women really get mad about that?
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Zander916 Knowflake Posts: 1070 From: Midwest Registered: Aug 2013
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posted October 16, 2013 01:29 PM
quote: Originally posted by Aquacheeka: What if he had blamed her for his smoking marijuana all and playing video games all day and said she made him do it more? Do you think that could have been reconciled?Also, it's not porn. Do women really get mad about that?
If he's willing to blame you, then I think it's time to pull the plug. He's displaying that it's more important to him than you are. I don't mean to be harsh or anything but that's pretty much what he's saying right there. IP: Logged |
YoursTrulyAlways Knowflake Posts: 6361 From: Registered: Oct 2011
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posted October 16, 2013 04:02 PM
Weed mucks up the brain. Do you want to have offspring with this guy? [although they do often become POTUS] How do you explain his behaviour to your potential offspring? Think about it. [maybe he'll become POTUS?] BTW, I'm not prejudiced against gaming. I'm an intense gamer myself, and if he plays Call of Duty or Grand Theft Auto, I play the same games and I'm good at them. Knowing when to shut down and walk away is the key. IP: Logged |
blueskiez06 Knowflake Posts: 162 From: Registered: Oct 2012
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posted October 16, 2013 04:13 PM
quote: Originally posted by Aquacheeka: When you find out that your partner has been lying to your face for months about something that may not seem like a big deal to other people, but nevertheless is a VERY BIG DEAL to YOU, what do you do?No third parties are involved here but the act of being lied to and finding out that one of my biggest turnoffs has been going on for months has killed all sexual attraction. Is there a way back from this?
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somethingexcellent Knowflake Posts: 3718 From: vodka fine, I'm so divine Registered: Nov 2012
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posted October 16, 2013 05:50 PM
quote: Aquacheeka: What if he had blamed her for his smoking marijuana all and playing video games all day and said she made him do it more? Do you think that could have been reconciled?
Is your man blaming you for keeping up some kind of behaviour? That sounds kinda dumb...c'mon, have some responsibility... I dunno, it depends on the person and what it was, I guess. A vague question deserves a vague answer! Overall, I think it can be reconcilable. There's just lots of "depends" attached. I personally like Ami Anne's answer though because I myself can be forgiving if the person is genuine about making amends! IP: Logged |
PixieJane Moderator Posts: 3236 From: CA Registered: Oct 2010
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posted October 16, 2013 06:28 PM
quote: Originally posted by blueskiez06: if he was cross dressing thats a biggie and something that needs an open discussion
Why is it a biggie? (Unless he's ruining YOUR clothes putting them on...had that happen to me once, that's how I caught him before I helped him get his own women's clothing... ) IP: Logged |
MetalAphrodite Moderator Posts: 1597 From: Zanguin :3 Registered: Jul 2012
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posted October 16, 2013 08:57 PM
quote: Originally posted by Aquacheeka: What if he had blamed her for his smoking marijuana all and playing video games all day and said she made him do it more? Do you think that could have been reconciled?Also, it's not porn. Do women really get mad about that?
If he blames you for that, he is throwing off his responsibilities in life by making you the scapegoat. Soon, it will evolve to he can't own this or accomplish his life dreams because you are standing in the way, but he is so graciously putting up with you because he loves you? My ex did the same. When I left him, got a job, and started supporting myself, he realized it wasn't me making him smoke more or not be able to work: it was him all along. He makes his own decisions in life. So, unless you karate chop his balls every time he puts the blunt or controller down, he is freely choosing this path. It IS a big deal. He's placing blame on you when it is NOT your fault. As for porn, I never minded until he wanted me to get porn boobs and would avoid having sex with me lol. Porn can lead to unrealistic expectations if one indulges too much. IP: Logged |
Kerosene Knowflake Posts: 7062 From: Mercury Registered: Dec 2012
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posted October 16, 2013 11:14 PM
Why does he feel the need to lie, are you being overly naggy?I've dated guys that pretty much smoke weed and play video games all day.. I liked them a lot but honestly it did bother me... However I never nagged them and everything was great until I got really bored and broke up with them and told them why I broke up.. and they felt like **** lol... Most of my relationships with men were honest because I don't really ***** at them. They never hide things or make up excuses because I'm really laid back and detached from a lot of things. Going out with your friends? Cool. Canceling plans? Sure. Too busy to reply to my texts? Okay Either you have to find a guy with a similar lifestyle or you have to accept them and all their bad habits because boys are rarely diplomatic... They will lie and hide things from you like they did with their mommy growing up lol. IP: Logged |
aquaguy91 Moderator Posts: 7743 From: tennessee Registered: Jan 2012
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posted October 16, 2013 11:44 PM
quote: Originally posted by Kerosene: Why does he feel the need to lie, are you being overly naggy?I've dated guys that pretty much smoke weed and play video games all day.. I liked them a lot but honestly it did bother me... However I never nagged them and everything was great until I got really bored and broke up with them and told them why I broke up.. and they felt like **** lol... Most of my relationships with men were honest because I don't really ***** at them. They never hide things or make up excuses because I'm really laid back and detached from a lot of things. Going out with your friends? Cool. Canceling plans? Sure. Too busy to reply to my texts? Okay Either you have to find a guy with a similar lifestyle or you have to accept them and all their bad habits because boys are rarely diplomatic... They will lie and hide things from you like they did with their mommy growing up lol.
Yes. At the end of the day a man is going to do what he wants to do. A lot of women think they can change a man but it never works out because you can't change people, they have to want to change.
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blueskiez06 Knowflake Posts: 162 From: Registered: Oct 2012
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posted October 17, 2013 01:35 AM
quote: Originally posted by PixieJane: Why is it a biggie? (Unless he's ruining YOUR clothes putting them on...had that happen to me once, that's how I caught him before I helped him get his own women's clothing... )
I'd prolly find humour in it initially, but in my book that'd be a biggie K Aquacheeka i just noticed your comment on pot and playing VG, if that is it... how old is this person 18???, if he aint your marital spouse and you got no kids with him ... lea' his ass IP: Logged |
Zander916 Knowflake Posts: 1070 From: Midwest Registered: Aug 2013
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posted October 17, 2013 02:03 AM
I've put on womans underwear before just to be silly. (bras don't fit!) I'm not into it but I'll play along sometimes for humor's sake. It's fun! I put 'em on and then walk out and sit down like, "Sup?" IP: Logged |
YoursTrulyAlways Knowflake Posts: 6361 From: Registered: Oct 2011
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posted October 17, 2013 08:47 AM
quote: Originally posted by aquaguy91: Yes. At the end of the day a man is going to do what he wants to do. A lot of women think they can change a man but it never works out because you can't change people, they have to want to change.
You got that right. You can't change people. A pr1ck will remain a pr1ck, and doesn't magically transform out of love.
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Zander916 Knowflake Posts: 1070 From: Midwest Registered: Aug 2013
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posted October 17, 2013 10:03 AM
It's just a quote I remembered. "The fault of women is believing that a man can be changed. The fault of men is believing that a woman will never change." IP: Logged |
FruitTreeFresh Knowflake Posts: 327 From: Registered: Aug 2013
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posted October 17, 2013 10:13 AM
quote: Originally posted by Padre35:
Hmm, agree with YTA, the well is poisoned now, it will always be remembered
How about if the partner caused much mistrust during the dating phrase? How much would you accept and forgive, and forget?
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YoursTrulyAlways Knowflake Posts: 6361 From: Registered: Oct 2011
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posted October 17, 2013 10:22 AM
quote: Originally posted by FruitTreeFresh: How about if the partner caused much mistrust during the dating phrase? How much would you accept and forgive, and forget?
Pretty much the kiss of death, don't you think? You said "much mistrust." It's just the dating phase. It's over. IP: Logged |
Faith Moderator Posts: 6118 From: Registered: Jul 2011
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posted October 17, 2013 02:07 PM
Hey Aquacheeka,That sucks, I know you and your boyfriend had a lot of nice stuff going on. I can forgive lies, especially if it's about something that the person would understandably be ashamed about or struggle with. But the confession or revelation or whatever would have to go well, be honest and real. If someone lied to me and then blamed me for it, I would think about it for a while (you know...Pisces moon can be like this.) If I thought the person was right, that I was just being scary or controlling or hard to talk to, I might accept the blame, and be willing to negotiate from that point. But if I thought the person was blaming me just because he or she is copping out...then I would think: "Hmm. I never realized that you are THIS full of sh*t before." Then I would probably re-evaluate how much contact I wanted to have with that person, because I don't have time for emotional toddlers in real life (only on LL! ) I agree with posters above that men don't change as much as we think they will, and as Oprah always says, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." So, if I were single and this happened in a relationship, I think it would be best for me to cut my losses and leave. But that's all hypothetical...my bottom line is, "It depends." IP: Logged |
Lexxigramer Moderator Posts: 3437 From: The Etheric Realms...Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat...& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion! Registered: Feb 2012
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posted October 17, 2013 03:47 PM
quote: Originally posted by FruitTreeFresh: How about if the partner caused much mistrust during the dating phrase? How much would you accept and forgive, and forget?
I'd drop them immediately on first violation. Why would anyone want a person like that?IP: Logged |
Lexxigramer Moderator Posts: 3437 From: The Etheric Realms...Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat...& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion! Registered: Feb 2012
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posted October 17, 2013 04:01 PM
quote: Originally posted by Aquacheeka: What if he had blamed her for his smoking marijuana all and playing video games all day and said she made him do it more? Do you think that could have been reconciled?Also, it's not porn. Do women really get mad about that?
quote: Originally posted by Zander916: If he's willing to blame you, then I think it's time to pull the plug. He's displaying that it's more important to him than you are. I don't mean to be harsh or anything but that's pretty much what he's saying right there.
I agree with you Zander916.IP: Logged |