posted January 20, 2014 12:18 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ami Anne:

What kind of coffee do you like, Violets?

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posted January 20, 2014 01:35 PM            

Like when a parent has been extremely abusive, but also demonstrates acts of love and/or kindness towards the child (or adult child).

That is probably the most confusing thing for people to work through, imo. One day a person (or relative or sibling) is normal, kind, giving...and the next day they can be full of abuse, criticizing, belittling, toxic, etc.

The child (or adult) then doesn't know how to deal with that person. Especially when the parent or person in question is in complete denial about their behavior.

That's very difficult, because there are positives and negatives to the relationship.

It's not as simple as "Yes, my parents have flaws like any other human, but they love me unconditionally and I love them" or "my parents are complete @ssholes and clearly do not care about my well-being, so I choose not to be around them". (Just using parents as an example here, because it's the most common, but fill in the blank as needed.)

It makes it hard to gauge where the other person is coming from, why they act the way they act, and whether or not we should try to mend the relationship or just cut the ties (at least temporarily) and try to heal OURSELVES.

I've seen this with a lot of my friends, and to some degree with my own parent.

It just sort of makes it so that the weird interaction continues on and on, and the child (or adult) can never know how to respond to the other person.

It's also extremely difficult when someone has been abusive, but seems to have absolutely no recollection of what they've done, or they tell the person they've abused that they're imagining things. That's pretty weird, and creates a real hardship for the person who KNOWS what they've experienced.

These are tough questions that many people have to contemplate in life.

I don't worry so much about the other person's path or spiritual growth. That's their business. I am more concerned with whether I am doing what is right for my own soul and spirit; because if I am walking my path and following my true Self, I am inherently helping others around me to do the same.

posted January 20, 2014 03:11 PM            

I spent the day with my parents and I played video games and at a lot of junk food.

It was nice because I felt like a child with no worries.
but later when I go back to living my own life all they can really do is be supportive they can't and I won't let them tell me how to live my life if they want to be apart of my life.

posted January 20, 2014 03:50 PM            

I remember certain little things that would give me peace.

Once I got a car in my junior year, I used to drive to a McDonalds in a nice mall in the next town and do my work.

I love to study in noise.

I would go to the school cafeteria really early on Sat morning when no one was there. They had great coffee and everything baked fresh.

I would sit all alone( or mostly) in the huge dining hall that was like Gothic.

It was so peaceful.

I lost all peaceful times since then. I have been so numb that I could not feel.

Today, I had that peace when I was watering my garden.

I realized that if people hate me, I don't care, unless I value them.

If not, I don't really care.

I have been scared to death of anger but since I have had my website for 2 years, I get people who come against me for a variety of reasons. The primary one is jealousy, in various guises.

However, I have learned to be calm in the face of it.

I am responsible for my side of the road only. If I do wrong, I will apologize.

If not, if you don't like me, it is your problem.

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Want To Ask Any Question About Bible Prophecy? Go For it. It is Free, of course.

posted January 20, 2014 04:22 PM            

anyway thank you. btw i thought of this
i saw the other day

posted January 20, 2014 05:30 PM            

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Want To Ask Any Question About Bible Prophecy? Go For it. It is Free, of course.

posted January 21, 2014 01:11 PM            

But if you can put yourself in your abuser's shoes for even a minute and see them as victims too, it frees you from wanting them to change. Which in turn frees you from being affected by the abuse.

In the case of physical lashing out, removal from their vicinity is probably going to be the only answer. They are what they are, mostly unconscious as are all people in Hurtful mode.

But as I've said numerous times, once you take back the power you have given them, and the need to chabnge them, often the behaviour just stops apparently for no reason. This has happened for me many times. Do I always remember? Lmao, no. But it is still true for me

posted January 21, 2014 03:18 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Catalina:
It is n ot so easy to "build" strong children when the parents are often PTSD sufferers from their own upbringing, whether inflicted by their parents, war, discrimination in society or other ...

But if you can put yourself in your abuser's shoes for even a minute and see them as victims too, it frees you from wanting them to change. Which in turn frees you from being affected by the abuse.

In the case of physical lashing out, removal from their vicinity is probably going to be the only answer. They are what they are, mostly unconscious as are all people in Hurtful mode.

But as I've said numerous times, once you take back the power you have given them, and the need to chabnge them, often the behaviour just stops apparently for no reason. This has happened for me many times. Do I always remember? Lmao, no. But it is still true for me

So if you are "forgiving" in order to chsnge them, often it doesn't work, but if you surrender the need to change them, miracles can happen but most importabtly, you free yourself.

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I do actually agree with you on this (for the most part). It's basically what happened for me with my own mother, who I do love very much. However, it's not so much that the behavior changed with acceptance. Her behavior changed when I flat-out told her, under no uncertain terms, that I would remove myself from her life if she continued certain behaviors with me. Things did start to change at that point.

I know that she had a much more traumatic childhood than I did, but although I "knew" it in my brain for many years, it took a long time for me to forgive her in my heart.

But once I did, you are right about not trying to change her. I know that she is the way that she is, and I accept that. A lot had to happen between there and here, and yes I find her very irritating sometimes, but I don't dwell on it too much.

But there was never any time that I spent sitting around fretting about trying to forgive her. I wasn't interested, and that was just fine. It worked out anyway.

posted January 21, 2014 03:45 PM            

My father died suddenly when i was 19 and still angry with him. It was a chance (and basically abusive) remark 10 years later that brought up ALL my negative feelings and beliefs about him and allowed me to mourn what would never be fixed...and then i could see him as he was, a man with his own issues that he had tried desperately NOT to inflict on his children.

I prefer the former (my mother) way of approaching the issue...but both "worked. " It just took 10 years with my dad and a minute with my mom.

posted January 21, 2014 03:47 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Catalina:
But if you can put yourself in your abuser's shoes for even a minute and see them as victims too, it frees you from wanting them to change. Which in turn frees you from being affected by the abuse.

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No, that doesn't always work. My sister is bipolar. Of course I want her to change (heal.) I don't know what you mean about being affected by the abuse, but when my sister used to spread lies about me, it wasn't something I could really ignore. It created in-your-face drama that I had to resolve, just to save my relationships with people.

I mean, the questions persisted, there was hostility from people who believed the lies, I couldn't just whistle through all that and pretend it was no biggie.

posted January 21, 2014 03:51 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by T:
Every situation is unique and what works for one, wont for another.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Violets:
Whatever works for each person is just that. It's what works.

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posted January 21, 2014 04:06 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Faith:
Me three.

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posted January 21, 2014 04:58 PM            

Yes, i hear you andIn case it seems otherwise, i speak only for myself, and in case it will help someone else to consider options. We allfind our own way in our own time, but i have found other peoples' discoveries helpful, even if not when i came across them.

posted January 21, 2014 06:00 PM            

back...and Cat, you get one, too:

I didn't mean to make you feel ambushed or anything. You had said, "I don't believe that chewing on how to deal achieves any purpose, whether it be 'should i forgive' or "should i cut them out completely.'"

posted January 21, 2014 09:17 PM            

I don't feel like talking (typing) right now, :Taurus:
just hearting.

Thanks to the last 3 of you right now.