posted May 03, 2015 01:40 PM            

So I ask men, lets say you really like a woman. You spend time together and then you have sex, and it's even good/great sex. Would you think less of her for giving it up? Would you ever want to call someone your girlfriend if they are willing to have sex with you right away?

Now I'm in a place where I am feeling ready to date and get to know people. Because I'm done my grieving, and I've done the partying. Now I want to seek someone out who fulfills my physical and emotional needs.

I occasionally hear advice, don't give up the goods until there is a commitment. I think I will give this a try.

I currently have a friend with benefits. We talk about how good it works out, because with girls in the past after a while they will say "so what are we now?" Myself, seeing friends and family wanting something after a hook up, I was able to learn from them before I became active to not expect anything after a hook up. So I go into it not expecting anything. That keeps them wanting more. I went 3 years with a guy who I had a great connection with me, wanting to be a boyfriend to me but never really wanting to call me one.
I never want to be loyal to someone like that ever again. But the idea of having multiple sex partners sounds unsanitary.
But I also want to make sure I don't get into a relationship so I can have sex, and make sure that is not the other persons intentions.

So I plan on dating and getting to know guys, and if it goes in a hook up direction...that's when I'll slam on the breaks. And pretty much let them know that is not what I'm looking for.

Thanks for reading, who needs a shrink when there is lindaland.

posted May 03, 2015 05:13 PM            

1. i will always eliminate any type of girl that will trigger my nasty martian jealousy so no clowns in my territory, i dont play with clowns.

posted May 03, 2015 05:32 PM            

You would be surprised how many women think they can change a man's mind using sex. It's not going to work. At least, not with a guy you really want to date and vice versa men want to be able to prove themselves because they want to know a girl isn't sleeping with whomever. If you have sex with them too early on it kills the chase and also makes them think you do that with everyone. This only leads me to believe men feel special when you have sex with them like "Ah, I have captured the queen! She is mine!" And the longer you hold out, the more time they have to get to know you as a person.

posted May 03, 2015 06:21 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by hannaramaa:
They don't think less of you for giving it up, you just get put into a category. In relationships, men's primary drive is sex. They want love and the emotional stuff too...but they're hunters. They are excited about the sex, especially sex with a new person.

You would be surprised how many women think they can change a man's mind using sex. It's not going to work. At least, not with a guy you really want to date and vice versa men want to be able to prove themselves because they want to know a girl isn't sleeping with whomever. If you have sex with them too early on it kills the chase and also makes them think you do that with everyone. This only leads me to believe men feel special when you have sex with them like "Ah, I have captured the queen! She is mine!" And the longer you hold out, the more time they have to get to know you as a person.

Take what I say with a grain of salt since I'm not a man, but I'm pretty sure that's how this works.

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I think you're right.

Men will often say otherwise, though.

posted May 03, 2015 08:48 PM            

Furthermore, many then brag about their conquests which can get other guys to thinking you're easy and come after you themselves, often with the game they heard that works (that is acting like the last guy). Unfortunately, even when it doesn't work from him he isn't likely to admit it and make something up (as otherwise he feels he's saying he's not as good as the other guy) so it can be hard to break out of that cycle.

I've both experienced this and had the rare honest and frank guy explain this to me in detail (not what "all men" are like but rather the things they hear and what guys talk about alone). Is every guy like this? No. Is it the way to bet? Yes, and almost certain if this hookup happened at a club or dating site because that's where the hunters are playing their game so they can score, and then on to the next goal (or even keeping up several options--without telling those involved of course that she's not the only one). Heck, they can have a committed relationship while cheating on the side with "easy women" at the clubs and dating sites. I've lost count on how many men were busted in relationships years long, even marriage, for having dating profiles (but it was only sex for the men, they weren't looking to replace the one they were with).

posted May 03, 2015 09:25 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by PixieJane:
whereas the guy looking for something more than that isn't as likely to approach you (at least not without getting to know you first and building up a rapport).

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posted May 03, 2015 10:56 PM            

I am not talking about bad boys or players, who are like 15% of the male population... I'm talking about the *average* guy.

It's possible that those few men out there who are particularly arogant, particularly sexed - and who spend their days thinking about their own pee pee.. would prefer a woman who is a challenge, and hence be put off because - they no longer need to chase you, if you slept with them right away.

However that is a minority of men ^.
Most men will just drive themselves crazy wondering how many other men you did the same thing with.
And this will be their primary problem, not the fact that you are no longer a "challenge".
Have you seen "Silver Linings Playbook"? There is a scene where the main character (played by Bradley Cooper) is talking to his psychologist and he calls Tiffany (Jennifer Lawrence) a sl*t.. because she hit on him as soon as she met him. His psychologist tries to explain that she just wanted a friend and she probably doesn't have very clear boundaries.. But he continues to call her a psychotic sl*t. LoL
I thought this scene was SO true to life... Because he clearly liked her form the beginning, he was obviously into her... but he panicked over her potentially being a "sl*t" and hitting on everyone.

Basically the average Joe ^ feels "less special" if he thinks you would do it with just about anyone.
It's primarily about them being less special to you... not about you being less of a challenge.

This kind of thing happens, mainly when the guy in question is not very educated about these issues (gender issues) and he comes from a pretty traditional background.. so he wasn't taught to "think outside the box" so to speak... In this case, he will not have a very realistic understanding of female sexuality.
Unfortunately many guys do fall in this category.

posted May 03, 2015 11:08 PM            

quote:

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I ask men, lets say you really like a woman. You spend time together and then you have sex, and it's even good/great sex.

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So.. my answer assumes that the man in question *really* likes the woman and things are great between them.

posted May 03, 2015 11:10 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Odette:
In my opinion the biggest issue for the average Joe out there.. is - wondering whether you habitually do this with other men.

I am not talking about bad boys or players, who are like 15% of the male population... I'm talking about the *average* guy.

It's possible that those few men out there who are particularly arogant, particularly sexed - and who spend their days thinking about their own pee pee.. would prefer a woman who is a challenge, and hence be put off because - they no longer need to chase you, if you slept with them right away.

However that is a minority of men ^.
Most men will just drive themselves crazy wondering how many other men you did the same thing with.
And this will be their primary problem, not the fact that you are no longer a "challenge".
Have you seen "Silver Linings Playbook"? There is a scene where the main character (played by Bradley Cooper) is talking to his psychologist and he calls Tiffany (Jennifer Lawrence) a sl*t.. because she hit on him as soon as she met him. His psychologist tries to explain that she just wanted a friend and she probably doesn't have very clear boundaries.. But he continues to call her a psychotic sl*t. LoL
I thought this scene was SO true to life... Because he clearly liked her form the beginning, he was obviously into her... but he panicked over her potentially being a "sl*t" and hitting on everyone.

Basically the average Joe ^ feels "less special" if he thinks you would do it with just about anyone.
It's primarily about them being less special to you... not about you being less of a challenge.

This kind of thing happens, mainly when the guy in question is not very educated about these issues (gender issues) and he comes from a pretty traditional background.. so he wasn't taught to "think outside the box" so to speak... In this case, he will not have a very realistic understanding of female sexuality.
Unfortunately many guys do fall in this category.

I've also met quite a few who don't... but I generally met them through philosophy studies and in new agey type circles.
It depends on where you are meeting these men as well!
The average Joe will hang out in "average Joe" places. You won't find him at an Astrology convention, if you know what I mean

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posted May 03, 2015 11:26 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Odette:
Lol It's nice to see you agree with me It happens so rarely! haha

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posted May 03, 2015 11:34 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Odette:
Lmao.. I'm an Aries so I was born cocky duh-ling haha You really like that word, don't you?

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posted May 03, 2015 11:38 PM            

quote:

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Another thing women need to realize is some guys will have sex for the sake of having sex.

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posted May 03, 2015 11:55 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by aquaguy91:
Don't get cocky duh-ling.

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By proxy of agreeing with Odette I agree with AG. Another rarity*!

posted May 04, 2015 12:22 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Odette:

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posted May 04, 2015 01:42 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by aquaguy91:
How is a guy going to build a rapport and get to know a girl if he doesn't approach her? How can you possibly do those things if you haven't approached yet? That doesn't make any sense....

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1. Work

2. Volunteer work

3. Shared hobbies (such as surfing, skateboarding, meeting at conventions, etc)

4. Shared religion (church and other gatherings)

5. Studying together (they typically share the same class)

6. Meeting at the gym (not that they agree to meet there nor do I mean those who automatically start flirting but rather they both go and talk while there about their lives, nothing in depth at first but it builds up)

7. Birthday parties and the like. At least people who meet here are likely to have something in common and unless a "friend of a friend" who just got pulled in by chance then he's not likely to just treat someone as disposable as that would probably affect him and thus he'd be more inclined to treat it seriously.

posted May 04, 2015 03:24 AM            

I never said a man couldn't value a woman as a person and be sexually attracted at the same time. It's not either/or, though it can be.

posted May 04, 2015 04:06 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by PixieJane:
That's what prompts you, not all men. Some men don't require their dick to get hard before they have anything to do with a woman.

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posted May 04, 2015 04:27 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by PixieJane:

I never said a man couldn't value a woman as a person and be sexually attracted at the same time.

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posted May 04, 2015 05:23 AM            

If you were in a classroom and happened to sit next to each other.. and started talking, interacting, working together on a project and so on.. being friends first... you could eventually develop feelings for each other - and things could turn romantic.

It doesn't always start with -sexual attraction- progressing to deeper feelings.
Sometimes it starts as a friendship... and progresses to sexual attraction.

But when people are young, a majority of their romantic relationships... start out with sexual attraction (unless they are on the asexual spectrum).
Many (hetero) people under the age of say 35... (both male and female) don't put much effort into their interactions with the opposite sex, unless they find the person attractive.
I don't like this at all ^.. I find it kind of ridiculous... but I'm demisexual so... what do I know? lol

Anyway - AG - This is not what Pixie is talking about.
What you are saying is true.. in the sense that.. whether "boy meets girl" happens in a bar or during a University course... what initially draws them to each other may well *still* be a physical attraction (on numerous occasions).
But this is besides the point!

Pixie - I think the main point in your previous post was that - particular meeting places - like bars, pubs, dating sites and so on... are considered "hook up" places. People go there intentionally *to* hook up. They don't primarily go there to meet new friends or like-minded people.
Maybe some do, but not the majority.

So - as a person who is looking for a more serious relationship - it would be a *much* better idea to look in places that are conductive to a long-term relationship.
Being in the same University course as someone for a few months, or working with them for a couple of years.. etc.. will give you more time to really get to know the person - and - build a stronger connection. Plus you have something in common!