Posts: 215
From: Washington, DC
Registered: Feb 2015

posted June 05, 2015 11:05 AM            

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I'm sorry but I have to vent. I'm very upset because I just found out a guy I have been talking to every day for two months, who we have gone on a couple of dates, who told me he USED to be married.. Is married. And I found out on Facebook. He told me a few weeks ago that he used to be married but it didn't work out because he was gone a lot for the military. So I assumed that meant he was divorced. Lesson 1: Never Assume.

We went to a baseball game a few nights ago and I left my credit card with him accidentally. So he met up with me later to give it back to me. He was late meeting up with me, saying that something happened, something that he's been dealing with for awhile now, and he'd explain when he saw me. Well, when we met up, he didn't tell me what was going on. Just that it was the reason he had been acting distant with me lately and that he'd explain it all me to later.

I just noticed today that his relationship status is back up on Facebook and says that he has been married since 2010. It was changed after he said something was going on with him. On top of that, I asked our mutual friend if he knew if he had a girlfriend or anything. He said that he knew he had a girlfriend at the time the guy and I met (about two months ago) but he wasn't sure if he was still with her. I was not aware that he had a girl from at the time.

And to make it worse, he is out of town this weekend for military training (or so he says, I don't believe anything he says anymore). I need to talk to him face to face because I believe I deserve an explanation as to why he would be such a sleezy liar.

I've been cheated on by every single guy I've ever dated. This is why I hate dating!!!! I'm so upset and disgusted. I feel like an idiot for believing once again that I liked a good guy.

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Posts: 11181
From: Bella's Hair Salon
Registered: Jul 2011

posted June 06, 2015 12:01 AM            

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Horrible.

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Posts: 215
From: Washington, DC
Registered: Feb 2015

posted June 06, 2015 12:45 AM            

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Oh, and to top the day off. His wife went through his phone records until 3 am last night. She found my number (I was the one who he texted the most) and she met me for dinner tonight.

By far, the most horrible day ever. At least she was nice. I just feel bad for her And bad that I was the 'other woman' in this case. Ugh, that pains me to say that.

But according to his wife, he has been cheating on her many times over the course of the 5 years they have been together. She said she is numb now to it. That's no way to live a marriage I think! I hope she finds the strength to leave him because she is awesome!

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Posts: 154
From: Canada
Registered: Dec 2014

posted June 06, 2015 01:53 AM            

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Am so sorry for you, my first husband was a cheater, it took awhile for me to find out, I Left. Don't blame yourself
and don't give up hope, there are some decent guys out there.

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Posts: 8949
From: Blue Star Kachina
Registered: Apr 2009

posted June 06, 2015 09:17 AM            

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Moving to Sweet Peas

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Partial truth~the seeds of wisdom~can be found in many places...The seeds of wisdom are contained in all scriptures ever written… especially in art, music, and poetry and, above all, in Nature.

Linda Goodman

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Posts: 215
From: Washington, DC
Registered: Feb 2015

posted June 06, 2015 09:32 AM            

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She followed him to the baseball game we went on on Wednesday. She said the stadium staff helped her out by tracking him down. She saw us leave together and saw him kiss me when I left for the night from the stadium. She then caught up to him after I left and he was trying to explain, saying nothing happened.

It all makes sense. Because when he met me later on to drop off my credit card, he said something crazy came up that he has been dealing with, and hopefully it will work itself out. But he wouldn't say what it was, so I left upset because he couldn't tell me what it was. And I had a gut feeling right then that he was married. I should have listened to that feeling.

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Posts: 1100
From: New York, New York, USA
Registered: Nov 2014

posted June 06, 2015 12:03 PM            

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Hi Polkadotstars,

Just want to share my perspective. I don't know what country you live in, but in the US it is very easy to get married and very difficult to get divorced. Some people might support that, but the result is there are a lot of "married" people who haven't lived together for years. Depending on the situation, if one person is still hanging on they will use the only thing they have (a title) to mess up the other person's attempts to move on.

Don't let him play games or lie to you, but give him a chance to explain.

You can walk away or stay, but you just can't lose if you are calm, collected, and mature.

If it really is a ****** mess, it's not your ****** mess, and if you have to walk away, you get to let him watch you calmly leave him sitting in his **** pile.

ETA: I think I've read about him before? Is he the Scorp, or Cap, or something? If you decide to stay, one of the conditions should be he is going to have to be a lot more open with you.

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Posts: 215
From: Washington, DC
Registered: Feb 2015

posted June 06, 2015 12:51 PM            

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Yeah, it's the same guy I have posted about before.

I am definitely not staying with him. I texted him asking "when exactly were you planning on telling me that you're married?" The read reciept says he read it yesterday and I haven't heard anything from him. Therefore I doubt I will ever get an explanation for anything.

I would never be able to stay with anyone who is still married. Especially the fact that he has ruined all trust I had in him. I'm still sad today, I hope this feeling passes soon.

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Posts: 1100
From: New York, New York, USA
Registered: Nov 2014

posted June 06, 2015 01:10 PM            

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Yeah. I understand the trust thing.

My children's father left our family home and moved to the BVI in late 2007. I have considered myself single since. I can't afford a divorce. He can, but he won't pay for it.

Finally, his mother came up and brought the paperwork she had her brother, a lawyer, write up. She says it's time to move on. Even if he's not ready.

...but if that's his situation, he should have told you. I can't imagine why he wouldn't...

I can imagine how terrible you must feel. I'm really sorry.

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Posts: 215
From: Washington, DC
Registered: Feb 2015

posted June 06, 2015 02:42 PM            

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Ugh, I'm sorry to hear that! He should have had the decency to do it himself!

The guy I was seeing always told me he lived with two male roommates. He said he owned his townhouse and was thinking of buying a single family home, which he then sent me the real estate link to the one he was thinking of buying. His wife said that they live together, and yes they do have roommates. And that she was the one who wanted to buy that single family home, so that they could start making a family soon with kids.

It just all makes sense now, the more and more information she is telling me.. ugh.

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Posts: 699
From: London, UK
Registered: Feb 2014

posted June 06, 2015 03:25 PM            

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Sorry this happened to you polkadotstars. Chalk it down to experience and move on.

And when you say "never assume anything", you weren't exactly assuming, were you? He told you he "used to be" married. Well, if I'm not mistaken, that would suggest to me he was divorced, so in other words he is a out and out liar.

I just feel sorry for his wife if he's done this over and over. On the one hand I'd say to her "divorce the douchebag", but if it's difficult to divorce over there, then that's probably not really an option for her right now unless she had the money for it.

All this makes me realize is I'm glad I'm not married! Marriage seems to cause more problems than it ever solves in the long run for many people.

An old male music buddy said to me once, when he consoling me about a guy I liked who was being really flakey on me... "All dudes suck". And that's coming from a MAN. lol

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Posts: 1693
From:
Registered: Jul 2011

posted June 06, 2015 06:51 PM            

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This must really hurt for you.

People lie. People are heartless. Don't let that drain you though, they are the ones missing some sense.

And don't even for one second believe you were wrong for putting trust In what someone was saying to you. He was manipulating you. He knew exactly what he was doing. Don't spend another second on him.

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Posts: 1389
From: London, UK (GMT - 5 hours ahead)
Registered: Oct 2014

posted June 06, 2015 08:08 PM            

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quote:

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Originally posted by violet7887:
This must really hurt for you.

People lie. People are heartless. Don't let that drain you though, they are the ones missing some sense.

And don't even for one second believe you were wrong for putting trust In what someone was saying to you. He was manipulating you. He knew exactly what he was doing. Don't spend another second on him.

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Beautiful x

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Posts: 11341
From: Wankety Wankerson
Registered: Jan 2012

posted June 06, 2015 08:37 PM            

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I have had similar experiences with girls. A good example of this is the girl I met through a dating site last year. She seemed like a nice girl that had morals and values and I was planning to take her out. I asked her if she had Facebook and she said she didn't. This immediately registered as a red flag in my mind because almost everyone has Facebook. So I decided to investigate and found out she was lying. And when I found her Facebook it was clear why she was lying. Her Facebook profile said she had been engaged just the month before we started talking. Needless to say I confronted her and called off the date. I have had other experience like that too and it really makes you question everyone you meet.
However, I think that this should be a good lesson for you. If you see something like a hidden relationship status you should become suspicious. I mean why would they be hiding something if they weren't up to no good? Of course there is a possibility that they are just private people but 9 times out of 10 they are hiding something for a reason. If someone hides something from you it should be considered a red flag and you should try to get to the bottom of things before you get burned.

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Posts: 969
From: Beachville, USA
Registered: Jan 2012

posted June 07, 2015 03:14 AM            

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Wow. People are terrible. What an ******* . I can't believe his wife won't leave him!

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Posts: 215
From: Washington, DC
Registered: Feb 2015

posted June 07, 2015 01:18 PM            

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Thank you all for your support. I realized that he is a narcissist and after researching more about traits of narcissists, every single one of them rings true for him.

I think I am going to take a long break from dating. Maybe this happened to me for a reason and I should figure out that reason and learn from it.

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Posts: 699
From: London, UK
Registered: Feb 2014

posted June 07, 2015 04:49 PM            

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quote:

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I think I am going to take a long break from dating. Maybe this happened to me for a reason and I should figure out that reason and learn from it.

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The reason is he is a liar and a cheat, nothing else, and certainly not connected with you. And that's not a good enough reason to take a break from dating. Understandably you might want to lick your wounds for a bit but otherwise I'd just forget him, there are plenty of decent guys around who wouldn't do this kind of thing.

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Posts: 6488
From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010

posted June 07, 2015 05:02 PM            

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But that every single guy cheats on her IS reason to back away and figure out what one is doing wrong. Not every guy is a cheater, something is going on here to make her a lightning rod to keep running into this situation over and over again, and she needs to find out what it is or in all likelihood the pattern will keep repeating.

There are all kinds of reasons why such could become a pattern with a person, and some are easy to break when one takes a step back and thinks about it (this usually comes from a bit of naivety that makes one vulnerable to the sweet lies of players so all she has to do is learn to smell the pungent scent of BS, ETA: love this scene of Willow calling a player on his BS which lasts about 2 minutes) while others are a real struggle to overcome (especially where the unconscious is trying to work something out--it must be resolved before the pattern can be broken).

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Posts: 699
From: London, UK
Registered: Feb 2014

posted June 07, 2015 06:39 PM            

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quote:

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Originally posted by PixieJane:
But that every single guy cheats on her IS reason to back away and figure out what one is doing wrong.

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So you're saying it's something to do with HER that explains their cheating personalities? I don't buy it, sorry.

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Posts: 6488
From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010

posted June 07, 2015 07:30 PM            

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Explain THEIR behavior? No. They'll cheat regardless.

However, she keeps making bad choices that connect her with these cheaters rather than finding better men, and by her own admission it happens every single time. Everyone makes mistakes of course but when a person makes the same mistake over and over again then it's time to figure out how to stop making that mistake rather than staying the course.

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Posts: 507
From:
Registered: Feb 2015

posted June 07, 2015 10:29 PM            

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I have been in the same situation. I have Venus 12th house square Pluto men tell me all type of lies because they want to be with me. But then the gf or wife finds out and they said it was my fault let's see.

I met mr all women cheat on me and I can't trust imma wounded soul love me. Back in 2006, I avtually fell for it and he was in the army it turns out he had a fiancé he always cheated on. Sad thing is this same man told me cheaters cheat because of insecurities in themselves lol. He was only 5ft 6 so maybe that's why he did those things.. I dunno
In 2009 I met aman I thought was a soulmate we had a lot in common and sexual attraction was off the charts. But he withheld he had a Gf. I found out cus she happen to be using his phone when I texted him one night. I was heartbroken a long time. But the fault was him not me I learned to get over it. Because what kind of man would lie it takes a real heartless person to lie like that.
Next we mr my wife don't understand me! Love me! This one I never took seriously so I put a pause on the relAtionship. But he would not stop contacting me telling me how he was not like other guys. But it turns out he was.

It is no ones fault but the lying cheating men who lure other women into their lies. There is a saying that goes no matter how hog she is there is a man tired of her. Point is men are pigs.

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Posts: 215
From: Washington, DC
Registered: Feb 2015

posted June 07, 2015 10:45 PM            

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Yes, every relationship I've had I've been cheated on. I am currently going through a Pluto square Venus transit which lasts until next year, and I think this event that has just happened will help me realize my pattern and evaluate my choices in men. I hope I can find clarity and the ability to truly understand why I gravitate towards these men.

His wife had me go over to their house tonight. We talked for about an hour until he came home. He was shocked needless to say, to see me sitting there. He talked to me for about an hour while she was upstairs. He just kept turning everything around on me and making up all of these lies including saying that he told me he was married. I kept pushing back on him pointing out examples of how many times he purposely hid his marriage from me, until he finally admitted he did not tell me he was married and that he was keeping it from me.

Everything I would say to him, he tried to turn it back onto me and make it appear that it was my fault he cheated on his wife. He just kept lying and using his PTSD as an excuse in order to deflect the situation. I believe he uses his PTSD to gain sympathy from others because it makes people feel sorry for him instead of being angry. Additionally, he is very good with his words and I was able to observe that he is used to getting what he wants out of conversations. I wasn't allowing him to do that when he was talking to me and I could tell that it was unnerving to him.

I am glad I found out about this now instead of a year down the road. I feel guilty because I am making this all about me and my pain, when I feel so much more pain for his wife. I apologized to her before I left and I told him that he doesn't deserve her. I really hope she gets the courage to leave him, because she deserves happiness.

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Posts: 6488
From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010

posted June 07, 2015 11:46 PM            

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The guilt doesn't belong to you since you didn't know. And as far as his wife goes, I have a hard time imagining that she's forced to put up with it, she's made her choice knowing what the results are so apparently having a cheating husband is better than the alternative as there are many ways to leave if she must (and with witnesses like you and other proof she could ream him extra hard in divorce court if she wanted to). And I expect the marriage will come to an end during a Saturn return of one of them (probably hers) regardless.

In any case that's her prerogative and you can't help her (even if you gave her a place to stay I wouldn't be surprised if she ended up going back to him anyway) while you should be concerned more with yourself (and trying to find a way to stop this from happening every single time by learning how to choose better guys rather than falling for these losers as it shouldn't hurt this much and plenty of women don't have this trouble).

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Posts: 215
From: Washington, DC
Registered: Feb 2015

posted June 08, 2015 02:28 PM            

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Thank you all for your kind words. They really mean a lot to me and are helping me during this time. ❤️

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Posts: 43
From: Lititz, PA, USA
Registered: Jan 2014

posted June 08, 2015 03:22 PM            

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There's some people out there that treat dating like it's shopping. They don't realize that other people have feelings and a brain, cause they're self centered.

Sorry to hear what happened, but at least it didn't go on longer. I think we can all relate to your situation in some way.

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