posted April 20, 2016 07:30 AM            

My heart aches so badly right now and I don't know where else to spill it.

I never dreamed I would ask my new husband for a divorce. I never thought I could feel so empty next to the person I once loved. After so much, after forgiveness that wasn't deserved, trust that was broken repeatedly, and being the last thing on his mind, my heart has had enough.

I never wanted to be the woman who left her husband. Let alone seemingly for someone else. But I also never wanted to be the last thing my husband thinks about. I never wanted to be unloved or uncared for. I never wanted to be a second thought or a mistake...

The most difficult farewell is always to the one you loved who hasn't passed on. I don't know how to say goodbye without shattering my heart to a million pieces, even knowing that it is for the best..

posted April 20, 2016 10:26 AM            

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posted April 20, 2016 02:59 PM            

Don't beat yourself up, LionFish. I'm sure you did all you could..

posted April 21, 2016 05:48 AM            

This last time he said he "Wasn't going to waste the money going into debt for THAT." And questioned why he should go pay a stranger to tell him how to deal with his relationship, who are they to think they know better than him...

*Sigh* not even for us. He told me I wasn't looking at the long-term. That instead we should use that money to move away. To run away. Because he thinks things will be better somewhere else. I had to tell him that if he had the money and the means for us to leave the next day that I wouldn't go with him.

I am not going to go isolate myself half way across the country in a strange place with strange people if I'm already unhappy. That just seems stupid.

I tried talking to him again today, but it's no use. Everything is a fight. It doesn't matter what approach I use. Which is why I wanted counseling. So we could sit down and just get out what we have to say, without being interrupted or going off on a tangent that wasn't relevant. To have a mediator/translator in our mess of communication.

His unwillingness to work for us, combined with my already hurting heart just pushed me over the edge. I told him so. He acted like he cared for about 15 minutes, then right back to his regular self-destructive attitude.

He doesn't even realize the terrible things he says to me that show just how little respect and care he has for me.

It really sank in when I realized my new crew (that has now known me for 5 weeks) showed more compassion and care for me when injured than he did. It hurt so bad to realize that people who were basically complete strangers could have more empathy for me than my own husband. It's heart-wrenching.

For a while I was starting to wonder what was wrong with me. What was I doing wrong that he couldn't act like a decent person toward me. Put me first once in a while...

My job is demanding both in time and energy. In 2 days I worked what he works in his entire work week. Went to work Friday at 3:30 PM and didnt leave until Saturday at 9:30 PM. 30 hours at work. When I woke up Sunday he had the nerve to tell me that I need to help him with house work. Lol I didn't even know what to say to him.

I'm just over how selfish he is. I'm over the fights and the hurt. I don't have it in me anymore to deal with it. I NEED to be loved, just like anyone else. And he doesn't know how to love.. at least not me.

posted April 22, 2016 06:14 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Condoowit:
Honey, don't be ashamed to break up the marriage. He really sounds like he cares more about him than about you. Time to move on. Hold your head up high and erase him from the memory bank so you can create a space for the universe to fill with someone wonderful.

---

Thank you. I'm trying my best.

The universe has been harsh and kind all at the same time.

On the one hand I have my husband who just, can't see past himself. Who can't act like a grown man. I SWEAR he acts like I owe him something even after all he has put me through between his addictions amd his anger.

On the other I have B, who I have gotten to know very well in the past monthish. I've learned his values and his wants. His dreams and his hopes. I've learned that he is a truly sensitive caring soul with a brave and protective heart.

I keep thinking he is the universe's way of apologizing to me for my marriage

I just want to be whole and happy with myself before anything progresses with him. If we decide to go down that road. At this point though, at the very least, I have a new bestfriend. Someone I don't think I could give up in a million years. He really does have the most beautiful soul.

As soon as I realized that I had any feelings for this man I tried to beg my husband for attention, for some sort of recognition. Because without it from him it left me susceptible. I NEED to be the center of someone's attention at least sometimes, but he just blew me off. I asked for a date night, or afternoon. Just us, away from phones and TV and people...He responded by sleeping in even later than usual and buying a new set of headphones (so he can ignore me more effectively) for his PS3.

While over in left field, I have B who saves the notes I write to him. Who makes me food, listens to my worries and wants.. Remembers things about me that are simple, but important and meaningful. Who plays music the way I do, to convey feelings. He wants nothing more than to make me smile every day. His words. We joke around a lot, we play around a lot, and he gives some of the best hugs I've ever had in my life. And I've been an avid hugger for three decades lol

And I would be lying if I didn't say I love the fact that our relationship has developed completely sober. I have had such a hard time dealing with my husband's drug addiction. I do enjoy weed regularly and even mushrooms very occasionally, but I don't need them to function. I don't go home every night to a beer, but when I want one, I feel I should be able to get in my refrigerator and get one. But that isn't the case. I can't keep these things in my house or he abuses them. His drug of choice is usually uppers, but really it's anything that's put in front of him. And at this point I feel like all I do is wonder if he is using again. Or still, I guess I should say, because I can't say he's actually stopped using between times being caught. Maybe just got better at hiding it for a while. THIS is a big part of why I can't be with him. To the core of my heart I no longer trust him. It took me a long time to realize it and even longer to admit it to myself. It changed the way I look at him. Completely.

And then karma, fate, the universe, or the powers that be, whatever it might have been, put this wonderful man into my life. By sheer force. My promotion at my store was ripped out from under me and given to someone else. Because they wanted me promoted at a different location to help the new general manager that they had just relocated over 250mi. Enter B into my life.

I didn't plan it. I tried to ignore it. But when he's around me I can't help how happy I am. And it's genuinely returned. He had an emergency with his family and had to drive back home after work one night. It took three hours, which is normal. On his way back the next night, it only took him 2 hours to get home because he was racing to get to our store before I left for the night. He needed a hug. From me. Only me. Haha he hugged me so hard his shoulder popped.

I'm just glad he is patient and respectful enough to not ask or try for anything more than friendship while I'm married.

posted April 22, 2016 11:35 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Elysia:

I know what you mean...and it is truly terrible.

Don't beat yourself up, LionFish. I'm sure you did all you could..

Keep coming back here and posting...talking through it, if that helps. We're here..

---

I need an outlet. My bestfriend can only focus on this new person in my life. She thinks I'm having a "grass is greener on the other side" moment, but not listening to the fact that my yard is dead. Completely. So at least the other yard has grass... lol I kid.. I have to. She said that to me even after telling me she thought I was making a mistake getting married. She makes no sense.

I appreciate the kind words and gesture. I need them at the moment.

posted April 22, 2016 01:34 PM            

If I had lived with my ex-husband for maybe 4,5 months I would have had every illusion about him go poof very quickly.

But even if the only purpose of this other man is to further illuminate the shortcomings of your husband, he is still serving a purpose. I hope, for your sake, that your story is a happily ever after one. Just tread carefully.

posted April 22, 2016 03:35 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by LionFish:

Thank you..

I need an outlet. My bestfriend can only focus on this new person in my life. She thinks I'm having a "grass is greener on the other side" moment, but not listening to the fact that my yard is dead. Completely. So at least the other yard has grass... lol I kid.. I have to. She said that to me even after telling me she thought I was making a mistake getting married. She makes no sense.

I appreciate the kind words and gesture. I need them at the moment.

---

Of course, whatever helps get you through this..

And if this new guy makes you feel better, then good for you! Just be cautious, like Condoowit says. Plenty of time for you two to get close, in the future... Right now, you are vulnerable, so just stay safe. Let him be there for you, without it taking a toll on you.. --dunno if that made sense, but you know what I mean.

posted April 23, 2016 06:29 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Condoowit:
You might be having a grass is greener moment, and you SHOULD proceed with caution in terms of the other man, because people are not always what they portray in the whirlwind romance phase. The only way you will ever know what he's really like is to live with him for a number of months. This is, if I can pat myself on the shoulder, very sage advice from one who has been burnt before.

If I had lived with my ex-husband for maybe 4,5 months I would have had every illusion about him go poof very quickly.

But even if the only purpose of this other man is to further illuminate the shortcomings of your husband, he is still serving a purpose. I hope, for your sake, that your story is a happily ever after one. Just tread carefully.

---

If I hadn't been feeling this way before I knew this other man existed I would question it.

I wouldn't call it a romance, just 2 people who mesh very well and we both really enjoy the other's company. We have to spend a ridiculous amount of time together, so it's a great thing that we enjoy each other as much as we do.

He makes me smile for real again, uncontrollably. So I'm intrigued. But I dont have any plans or delusions for it. I'm not imagining leaving my husband and going to be with this man. I AM interested to see what it could develop into, if anything, because we definitely have chemistry. But I am NOT leaving my husband for him. I can't stress that enough.

He's just got a candle to illuminate the darkness for me. I don't think he's the Sun

I've spent so long guarding myself. My heart. From everyone around me because if I can't trust my husband, who can I? It feels good to be open with someone. I refuse to feel bad for that.

posted April 24, 2016 08:15 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Elysia:
How are things today, LionFishy?

---

You are too sweet Elysia

Today was... difficult and interesting.

My husband and I had a huge fight that made me late for work. The issue is a bit too personal to share in detail, but I will say he did something completely unwelcomed. I don't think I should have come back home. I feel so uncomfortable here now. When B gave me a ride home he practically begged me to let him take me to my best friend's house because he didn't want to leave me here. If he had known where she lived I don't think he would have even asked me. I should have let him. But I try to be a tough cookie.

Every day that goes by, I'm more sure of the decision I came to. Which is to go get the paperwork to file. I don't want to prolong it. I just want to be free. I don't know if he will grant me my wish and leave, or if he will fight it once it's real. But he had so many chances to fight for it. So very many. And I'm done fighting. I have nothing left to say to him except, "I tried, I'm sorry." Even just typing this makes me choke up and cry.

Its NOT what i want! I want him to love me. I want to trust him. I want to be able to work on it. But all I want is a dream or a fairytale. Waking up sucked. Following through is going to suck even more. I'm dreading it.

posted April 24, 2016 12:34 PM            

It is terribly hard when the other person doesn't want to work on it as much as you do.

Silly question to ask, but - does he know of your plans? To file the papers, I mean? Or does he think this is just a bad patch that will get over...?

posted April 24, 2016 07:46 PM            

I told him I had found online filing for $159, I would pay for half if he paid for the other half.

He hasn't changed the way he feels about getting help and hasn't changed the way he treats me at all.

posted April 25, 2016 12:29 PM            

Oh well... Can't be helped, I guess.

No matter how you feel, don't neglect the little things. ('Coz they're the first to go when you're feeling low). Eat well, sleep well..

And keep talking.

posted April 30, 2016 11:59 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by DopGang:

I hope that you're doing ok.
I've gone through a very similar situation a few years back.

I also know that no one is going to take the sting away. Only time can do that. The absolute must in this is to not beat yourself up for it. It always takes two to make it work, yet it only takes one to destroy it. That's the unfortunate odds in relationships. If he is unwilling to try to "fix" anything, as it was in my situation, then the responsibility is on him. The failure of the relationship is not at all due to lack of effort on your part and that's where you need to seek comfort.
"Have I tried what I could to make this work?"
"Have I been willing to try what it will take to make this work?"
At the same time, knowing when to call it quits is important. I think you've nailed that part. If he flat out refuses to work on making it work, it's time to go. It sounds like you're doing the right thing, to me. After it was over, I reflected a lot on the whole thing. I knew what she was responsible for in the relationship not working, but what was my role? I found a few things and they weren't small things.
In the end, I think it just wouldn't have worked. We were too different. So I try to fix what I can in myself and move on.
Another way that I look at things is that the relationship is it's own thing. "It" fails. Then there's reasons why it failed. It's almost like a business venture (Virgo Venus ) Both contribute and if one partner starts screwing up, the whole "business" fails.
I feel like I'm just running in circles, stating the obvious. I suppose what I really mean to say is that although this might all be things that you know, stay consistent in your thinking. Remember these things at all times, when you are laying at night waiting to fall asleep and etc. Remember that you've done and offered to do your best. Be content with that.

---

posted April 30, 2016 03:28 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by DopGang:

I hope that you're doing ok.
I've gone through a very similar situation a few years back.

I also know that no one is going to take the sting away. Only time can do that. The absolute must in this is to not beat yourself up for it. It always takes two to make it work, yet it only takes one to destroy it. That's the unfortunate odds in relationships. If he is unwilling to try to "fix" anything, as it was in my situation, then the responsibility is on him. The failure of the relationship is not at all due to lack of effort on your part and that's where you need to seek comfort.
"Have I tried what I could to make this work?"
"Have I been willing to try what it will take to make this work?"
At the same time, knowing when to call it quits is important. I think you've nailed that part. If he flat out refuses to work on making it work, it's time to go. It sounds like you're doing the right thing, to me. After it was over, I reflected a lot on the whole thing. I knew what she was responsible for in the relationship not working, but what was my role? I found a few things and they weren't small things.
In the end, I think it just wouldn't have worked. We were too different. So I try to fix what I can in myself and move on.
Another way that I look at things is that the relationship is it's own thing. "It" fails. Then there's reasons why it failed. It's almost like a business venture (Virgo Venus ) Both contribute and if one partner starts screwing up, the whole "business" fails.
I feel like I'm just running in circles, stating the obvious. I suppose what I really mean to say is that although this might all be things that you know, stay consistent in your thinking. Remember these things at all times, when you are laying at night waiting to fall asleep and etc. Remember that you've done and offered to do your best. Be content with that.

---

posted May 04, 2016 09:06 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by DopGang:

I hope that you're doing ok.
I've gone through a very similar situation a few years back.

I also know that no one is going to take the sting away. Only time can do that. The absolute must in this is to not beat yourself up for it. It always takes two to make it work, yet it only takes one to destroy it. That's the unfortunate odds in relationships. If he is unwilling to try to "fix" anything, as it was in my situation, then the responsibility is on him. The failure of the relationship is not at all due to lack of effort on your part and that's where you need to seek comfort.
"Have I tried what I could to make this work?"
"Have I been willing to try what it will take to make this work?"
At the same time, knowing when to call it quits is important. I think you've nailed that part. If he flat out refuses to work on making it work, it's time to go. It sounds like you're doing the right thing, to me. After it was over, I reflected a lot on the whole thing. I knew what she was responsible for in the relationship not working, but what was my role? I found a few things and they weren't small things.
In the end, I think it just wouldn't have worked. We were too different. So I try to fix what I can in myself and move on.
Another way that I look at things is that the relationship is it's own thing. "It" fails. Then there's reasons why it failed. It's almost like a business venture (Virgo Venus ) Both contribute and if one partner starts screwing up, the whole "business" fails.
I feel like I'm just running in circles, stating the obvious. I suppose what I really mean to say is that although this might all be things that you know, stay consistent in your thinking. Remember these things at all times, when you are laying at night waiting to fall asleep and etc. Remember that you've done and offered to do your best. Be content with that.

---

Thank you so much for this.

I needed it today of all days.

He said some really hurtful things that I just don't understand. I know that I made the right choice no matter how much it hurts.

I feel like everything I did and tried to do was wasted on an uncaring soul and that kills me.

I'm wonderful. I love with everything I have to give (which is a lot!) and am loyal to a fault (case in point). It confuses the crap out of me that someone could not love me, but he just really doesn't. I think he is in love with a fantasy "me" that he has locked away in his head/heart. But whatever it is that he loves, it isn't ME.

I hope that doesn't make me sound full of myself, I just know what I have to offer. I know what I bring to the table and it's a butt load of amazingness mixed in with a bit of a pain in the a$$ lol

I know that I deserve to be loved as much as I love.

posted May 04, 2016 03:47 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by DopGang:
I don't see these things as reflection of our worth. They just work or fail sometimes. I make it a point to try to learn something and grow from it. There's one that I'm still not sure why it happened or what is to learn from it. It'll probably hit me one day.

---

Yeah ~ that part's the hard one to stomach. Like being summarily evaluated and found lacking -- hard not to take it as an indictment of one's self worth or sense of being.
Getting to that point..knowing that it has a life of its own, and can work or fail just like anything else we set out to do, has gotta be important.

posted May 24, 2016 07:09 PM            

Disastrous.

People have been feeding my ex lies and assumptions about what I have been doing. It blew up. I had to block him on social media, he's acting absolutely crazy. Which probably has to do with the fact that he's been heavily using drugs on a regular basis. Even bragging about the Xanax he's been using.

I never wanted this to be like this. He said such terrible things to me, then turns around and says he doesn't want to fight. I have no idea how to handle him. I feel like anything I do or say at this point doesn't matter because he's so high he doesn't remember talking to people when he's sober again. He's just, being irrational and trying to hurt me..

He told me he cheated on me a year ago, then rubbed it in saying, "It was one of your friends,too. Still didn't know about that one did ya?" I don't really believe him. I feel like he's just trying to hurt me the way he thinks I hurt him , but then he has been so distant for so long that maybe he's telling he truth. It would also explain why he was so quick to accuse me of it, guilty party and all that.

I just don't know what to say or do. My heart hurts so badly for him, but I can't be the one to pick up his pieces anymore. At this point I just wish he would take his poisonous energy and actions far, far away from me and mine.

He even threatened the lives of our 2 dogs, because he wants to take the female, which I wouldn't have tried to stop. She's his dog. But he told my brother that he would "Put a bullet in both their heads before he left her with me." Those fur babies mean everything to me. The fact that he would say something so cruel and selfish shows me I never really knew who he was.