Thread Closed  Topic Closed
  Sweet Peas In The Rain
  My Story, help?

Post New Topic  
profile | register | preferences | faq

This topic has been transferred to this forum: For Yellow Wax And The Ants.
next newest topic | next oldest topic
Author Topic:   My Story, help?

Posts: 462
From: Earth, Raised on Pluto
Registered: Jun 2014

posted November 16, 2017 08:55 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for deptic     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Can anyone give me some feedback on this story and maybe give me some pointers to improve it? Also, what's the best title you think I should give this story? I've alternate the texts between bold and normal to make it easier not to get lost/better reading.


A gentle breeze brushed my face as I sat upon a stone bench among the night-blooming cereus flowers. The garden appeared to be a white yellowish ocean that went on for miles. On the horizon stood a dark mansion. I let out a content sigh feeling at peace in my tranquil surroundings.
“Lily,” a voice said. I turned my head to see Myrth. Her transparent wings sparkled in the moonlight as she walked towards me. Her purple dress swayed with her graceful dancer-like walk.
“There you are. I need you to check on the water lilies in the pond by the Windham Mansion.”

I raised my eyebrow befuddled by her command. “Isn’t that out of our district?” I asked.
“It is,” Myrth said. “The Vampire Lord of Windham Mansion has requested that someone tend to the flowers. You know how vampires are around water.”
I nodded. I closed my eyes and willed myself to shrink to fairy size. When I opened my eyes, I was two inches tall and hovered in front of Myrth’s face. I flew toward the mansion a trail of pixie dust behind me.

I hovered over the water in the pond examining the water lilies. Some of them were a bit wilted and I spread a pinch or two of pixie dust over them. As the dust touched the petals the flowers bloomed healthy again. Once the flowers were tended to, I transformed back into human size and sat by the water’s edge. My fingers played in the cool water creating small whirlpools and little ripples that caused the water lilies around me to dance.

“What are you doing?” a voice asked.

I yanked my hand out of the water and spun to face the new arrival. In my haste, water droplets slipped off my fingers and splattered the guy in the face. A girlish shrill escaped his lips as his hands covered his face and steam rays sprouted. My eyes widen. Oh no. I splashed a vampire in the face with water.

[/b]“I’m sorry!” I said as I panicked unsure of how to help him.
The vampire let out an irritated growl. “It’s fine. Just be careful next time.”
I lowered my head embarrassed. “I know water is holy to vampires. I just didn’t expect to meet a vampire while tending to the lilies.”[/b]

A red pupil glared at me from under pale hands.

“What?” I asked.

“I’m not just any vampire. I’m the well renowned Vampire Lord, Alejandro!”
I stared in confusion.

“How have you not heard of me? I’m a big deal. Women of all species fall to their knees before me. All men want to be me because I’m so debonair.”
“Oh, you’re that Alejandro,” I said still no clue as to who this vampire was, but I played along to not interfere with his delusions of grandeur.
Alejandro the vampire puffed out his chest, smiled charmingly and flashed his pearly white fangs that almost outshined the moon.
“Well, I did as you asked. I tended to the water lilies and now I must head back.”
Alejandro stared at me. I couldn’t tell if he was in shock or if he wanted to devour me.
“You’re a fairy?”
“I am.” I turned to show him my transparent blue wings.
“How can you be a fairy? Fairies are supposed to be tiny and you’re--,”
“Magic. Fairies aren’t always two inches tall. We can be whatever size we want. I thought all vampires knew this.”
“Oh of course. I knew that. Just had a momentary relapse because of the water you splashed in my face,” Alejandro said posing as a sophisticated king that he truly was not.
I shook my head. “Anyway. I need to go.” I turned back into fairy size and flew away.

the next day I sat in my home eating chocolate covered bonbons. The wooden chair felt cold and uncomfortable. My wings ached being against something that solid and unforgiving. A small gentle knock roused me. I got up and walked the short distance to the door to see a small fairy child holding a black and red envelope.
“What’s this?” I asked.
“Lily of the fairies, you have been cordially invited to the Windham Mansion for a ball hosted by the legendary vampire Alejandro,” the fairy child said.
The child handed me the envelope and flew off to play with their friends. I stared at the envelope with exasperated sigh. The guy didn’t even know me and he invited me to a ball at his home. I turned my head away to look at my small closet. I only had three dresses and none of them would work for a vampire ball. I banged my head on the table aggravated at the situation and mostly because of the stupid vampire.

“What am I going to do?” I said. “I can’t go to the vampire ball because fairies and vampires are not supposed to fraternized with each other.”
I lifted my head off the table a little. “I could go in my tiny form. That way no one is staring at me like an outcast.”

That evening I shrunk down to my fairy size and flew over to the mansion evading all the other fairies going about their work detail. Once I made it to the pond I decided to walk. Flying pixie dust would be too conspicuous at a vampire gathering. The front door was only a few inches away from the pond, but for a fairy walking, it was more like miles. I walked with only the moon lighting the path when I came upon a black bundle of fur with green eyes.
“Uh oh.”
“What are you doing here?” the cat asked.
“I was invited by Vampire Lord Alejandro,” I said as I tried to shrink away.
“Why would my lord invite you, a fairy, to a vampire ball?”
“I asked the same question.”
The cat licked his lips and his eyes narrowed in hunger. “You smell delicious.”
Before I could act the cat opened his mouth and devoured me. His breath smelled like weeks old tuna and his teeth were not brushed. I threw punch after punch of pixie dust until the cat finally sneezed and coughed me up like a bad hairball. As I flew through the air I landed on a pair of black shoes.
“Draco, what unholy thing do you throw up on my shoe?” Alejandro asked.
I shook my wings dry before flying up to Alejandro’s face.
“Hello.” I said.
Alejandro’s eyes widened in surprise by my appearance. “Why are you so tiny?”
“I didn’t have anything to wear to the ball.”
“So? You still could have arrived in your human size.”
I shook my head. “It’s against the rules for fairies and vampires to associate with each other.”
“Says who?”
“The Fairy and Vampire Council agreed to this rule since the beginning of time.” I put my hands on my hips. “Since you are a big-time vampire, you should know this rule.”
Alejandro waved his hand as if dismissing my remark and almost swat me out of the air. “I’m so legendary I make the rules.”

I shook my head in disbelief. How could one vampire have so much ego and pride? All his accomplishments were in his head. “I should go before either one of us gets into trouble.” I turned to leave, but Alejandro grabbed the tip of my wings making me immobile.
“Please don’t,” he said. The posh air around him deflated and a new presence appeared.
I looked into his red eyes and saw something unbecoming of a grandeur vampire.
“I know the rules say we can’t associate with each other. However, there’s something about you.”

My eyes widened at his confession.
“There is a certain energy around you that is very pleasant.”
I felt my cheeks turn red at his statement. “If it was not clear before, it’s clear now. You sir, are crazy.”
He smiled and his pearly fangs blinded me.
“Unhand me or suffer the consequences,” I said as I thrashed against his unyielding hold. I pulled out my tiny fairy knife and proceeded to stab him in the nose which amounted to nothing more than frantic poking. He laughed at my futile attempts to escape. While his mouth was opened I threw a small amount of pixie dust against his face. The dust went into his mouth as well as up his nose. As he sneezed his hand released the hold on my wings. I transformed into human size and glowered at him.

“I don’t care how handsome and suave you think you are that is no way to treat a lady. Especially a fairy--,” I started to say but was caught off by boom! Lips. He was kissing me. I pulled back and threw another handful of pixie dust at his face. He stumbled back while he attempted to get the dust out of his eyes. “How dare you steal my first kiss you brute!”
“I am honored that you chose me to receive your first kiss from,” he said. His lips curved into a smirk as he wiped the dust out of his eyes.
“Do you only hear what you want to hear? I said nothing of the sort.”
Alejandro stood tall once again after he got the dust out of his eyes. “I’m sorry.”
I stepped back flabbergasted at this out of character moment. “What?” I asked.
“I’m sorry for stealing your first kiss. I’m used to women throwing themselves at me. It’s unusual from someone to challenge me like you do. I find it amusing.”
I wanted to stab him in the nose with my knife, but at the same time I was confused about the kiss.
“I love you,” he said.
The sounds of warning bells and fireworks filled my ears. What is going on? I shrunk back into my fairy size and flew away.

The next morning, I had received a summons from the Fairy Council. The Fairy Council had the meeting in the center of town. The only fairies that attended were Myrth, Puck, Abernath, and Fae. Puck was a stout looking man that always had some type of drink in his hand and he was in charge of all gatherings. Abernath was the fairy in charge of cooking and was the motherly type to all fairies. Fae was an unknown. Nobody knew her position on the council or in the community. She always dressed in orange and was flamboyant whenever seen in public.
“Lily, it has been brought to the attention of this council that last night you, a fairy, were socializing with a vampire outside of work,” Myrth said. She sat in the center of the council members.
“I admit that I was invited to a vampire ball,” I said my hands folded on my lap.
“Why would you go? You know the rules about vampire and fairy relations,” Abernath said motherly concern in her voice.

I sat there silent. Nothing I said would validate why I broke the number one rule.
“Nothing in your defense?” Puck asked as he took a swig of some beverage.
“My queen, what will be her punishment?” Fae asked Myrth.
“Lily broke the number one rule in our society. As punishment, she shall be sentenced to imprisonment,” Myrth said as a tear fell down her face.
I lowered my head. I had betrayed my queen. I had let down my community all because of a stupid vampire that may or may not have loved me.

I was escorted from the center of town to the dungeons that laid beneath the town in the sewers. The sewers were lined with flowers and the smell of lilies wafted my nose. Fairies had to make everything look pretty even sewers. I was lead to the cell at the end of the hallway. The cell was barren except for a bed of flowers and the moonlight that shown through the medieval window of my cell. I laid on the bed accepting my fate.

IP: Logged


Posts: 2619
From: Sound
Registered: Aug 2011

posted November 17, 2017 06:22 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Voix_de_la_Mer     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Dear Deptic,

you may get better responses if this were in For Yellow Wax and the Ants forum, which is the creativity forum, including creative writing. Do you wish me to move it for you?

IP: Logged


Posts: 462
From: Earth, Raised on Pluto
Registered: Jun 2014

posted November 18, 2017 01:58 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for deptic     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Originally posted by Voix_de_la_Mer:
Dear Deptic,

you may get better responses if this were in For Yellow Wax and the Ants forum, which is the creativity forum, including creative writing. Do you wish me to move it for you?

Yes please

IP: Logged


Posts: 2619
From: Sound
Registered: Aug 2011

posted November 18, 2017 06:36 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Voix_de_la_Mer     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Moved to For Yellow Wax and the Ants.

IP: Logged

All times are Eastern Standard Time

next newest topic | next oldest topic

Administrative Options: Open Topic | Archive/Move | Delete Topic
Post New Topic  
Hop to:

Contact Us |

Copyright 2000-2017

Powered by Infopop © 2000
Ultimate Bulletin Board 5.46a