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Author Topic:   Need advice from PARENTS!
charlie
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posted April 07, 2018 07:15 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for charlie     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
(Or someone that is now mature enough to admit bad behavior when younger)

Anyway, what to do when an 11 yr old girl is badmouthing grown ups in her life (incl her divorced parents) behind their backs, and thus making them gang up on each other??
It’s gotten to a point where none of these grown ups believe the other grown ups. They only believe the girl.

When confronted about it, her eyes glazes over and she just says monotonally and high-pitched “sorry”.

Should add that she was not yet born when parents divorced and separated.

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Randall
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posted April 08, 2018 03:20 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
That's a tough problem.

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ReachingForTheStars
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posted April 10, 2018 12:08 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for ReachingForTheStars     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by charlie:
making them gang up on each other??

It’s gotten to a point where none of these grown ups believe the other grown ups. They only believe the girl.


Nobody “makes” a person gang up on another person or group. Personal choices are involved.

This sounds like triangulation.

quote:
When parents are unable to resolve problems between them, they may direct their focus of concern away from themselves and onto the child, perhaps reinforcing maladaptive behavior in the child. The child may then become identified as the problematic member of the family. Detouring occurs when parents, rather than directing anger or criticism toward each other, focus the negativity on the child and the parent-child conflict thus serves to distract from the tension in the marital subsystem. This type of triangulation also is sometimes referred to as scapegoating as the child's well-being is sacrificed in order that the marital conflict might be avoided (Minuchin 1974).

Read more: Triangulation - Systemic And Structural Family Theories - Theory, Development, Child, and Minuchin - JRank Articles http://family.jrank.org/pages/1707/Triangulation-Systemic-Structural-Fa mily-Theories.html#ixzz5CEscl7Cr


I hope this helps.

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Randall
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posted April 11, 2018 09:58 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Thanks!

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Randall
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posted April 12, 2018 01:07 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I have no kids, so...

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Randall
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posted April 24, 2018 10:59 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Bump!

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Desiring Shadows
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posted May 05, 2018 04:38 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Desiring Shadows     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Explain to her the problems she’s creating or try to change her outlook on the situation. Have both parents together in the room with her and tell her ‘we know what you have been doing/saying. So any time you say fhose things to us we won’t believe you , we will only punish you for talking so disrespectfully about your guardians. Especially when you should not be using inappropriate words like that to begin with.”

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Randall
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posted July 12, 2018 05:03 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Desiring Shadows:
Explain to her the problems she’s creating or try to change her outlook on the situation. Have both parents together in the room with her and tell her ‘we know what you have been doing/saying. So any time you say fhose things to us we won’t believe you , we will only punish you for talking so disrespectfully about your guardians. Especially when you should not be using inappropriate words like that to begin with.”

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Randall
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posted September 08, 2018 08:22 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Bump!

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charlie
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posted September 12, 2018 01:42 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for charlie     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Desiring Shadows:
Explain to her the problems she’s creating or try to change her outlook on the situation. Have both parents together in the room with her and tell her ‘we know what you have been doing/saying. So any time you say fhose things to us we won’t believe you , we will only punish you for talking so disrespectfully about your guardians. Especially when you should not be using inappropriate words like that to begin with.”

Having both parents in same room is a complete NO-GO. They are total opposites and if the cliché that "some parents should never have a child together" exists, this would be the case..

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Randall
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posted October 16, 2018 10:37 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Bump!

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Randall
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posted November 14, 2018 01:48 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Bump!

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Randall
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posted February 17, 2019 03:04 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Update?

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Ami Anne
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posted February 17, 2019 08:58 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ami Anne     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
You have to have the authority to change the problem. If you don't, it will be a big mess like if another adult is fighting you, Charlie.

------------------
Want to Read Simple, Fun,Sexy Articles on Astrology? Check Me Out, DUDE.


http://www.mychristianpsychic.com/

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Randall
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posted March 22, 2019 11:48 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Thanks, Ami.

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Randall
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posted August 23, 2019 04:34 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
How is it going?

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viviette
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posted June 13, 2020 09:07 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for viviette     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Originally posted by charlie:

Anyway, what to do when an 11 yr old girl is badmouthing grown ups in her life (incl her divorced parents) behind their backs, and thus making them gang up on each other?
It’s gotten to a point where none of these grown ups believe the other grown ups. They only believe the girl.

(Edit : Oh ok just seen that was a post from 2 years ago)

It’s called manipulation. She feels wronged by the split like somehow her life would’ve been better or less messy. Her energies are now scattered.

Get her an Astrology career report so she knows where to put her « energies » Tell her it’s time she started ´thinking about’ a future career and everyone wants to support her in her career choices. (To focus her there instead. Read it first yourself before giving it.)

I suggest to understand her better you get a personality reading too but you don’t show that at this stage as the chart is something people grow into over time. But it may help You understand and Focus on her potential instead. A child is a Work in progress.. and the reason they stay in school til at least 16 is because the world does not consider them mature prior. Puberty will be an ordeal so try to shift her focus to give her something to say : I want to be a (profession of choice).. and you can discuss that instead, plus show that everyone is a unit towards her success ..
and personally her life will not suffer as a result of any split.

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Chanterelle
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posted September 17, 2020 06:35 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Chanterelle     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I would say lots of attention and encouragement towards anything positive that she enjoys doing, coupled with as little reaction as possible to the negativity/slandering. Obviously you can’t control anyone else’s reaction, but if you can meet it with a shrug and “That’s weird, I don’t know why he would say that. What do you think?” Personally, I don’t see the point in trying to ‘make’ someone apologize. If you’re positive she’s not telling the truth, maybe consider that the mean words she’s putting in other people’s mouths are a way of expressing something she thinks she’s not ‘allowed’ to feel herself.

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Chanterelle
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posted September 17, 2020 08:54 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Chanterelle     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Just for context, I recently split up with the father of my 3 youngest kids. 6 year old son is the one who has been taking it the hardest. I’ve been thinking a lot about emotional growth as relates to chakras; I was thinking about the third, and none of the values associated with it in what I was reading— power, control, authority , etc.— really resonated with me. I finally thought of one that did: autonomy. I think that is exactly what a child this age is supposed to be developing. If she doesn’t get to go places, see friends face-to-face, school via screen, etc. that only compounds the problem. This is probably the only way she knows to exert power. Give her choices. ❤️❤️❤️

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Randall
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posted September 19, 2020 11:10 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote

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