posted January 11, 2023 12:44 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by PlutoWasHere:
It’s good to see that your session with the therapist has helped you get things of your chest. A neutral third party can often help us see things much clearer. There are usually patterns involved that were survival techniques from our childhood. Subconscious and very difficult to break.

My parents were alcoholics and they often would have huge fights when they were drunk. I fell into the role of mediator, peace keeper and even therapist. As an adult, I get very anxious when there’s conflict and I will automatically try to soothe any tension. It also makes it very hard for me to get in touch with my own emotions because I’m so focused on “the other”. Setting my boundaries and reinforcing them, is a major lesson for me. But with my divorce, I’ve at least broken the pattern.

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We seem to have had the same childhood! I wish I could break the cycle but unfortunately, I seem to suffer of "something". I hope the psychologist can pry it out of me.

I am so exhuasted from thoughts running around my head and then something stopped me. I've pretty much analyzed my 8 years with husband. All the ****** behaviors I've displayed..the panic..the tears..the begging..the smoothing things over..my occasional paranoia and jealousy. What has triggered all of this? My husband. I am 85% certain he has BPD. He "splits", lashes out, threatens, mirrors etc etc
I am by no means a professional and I will discuss this on my next meeting. It all makes sense though. During my darkest and most desperate hours I've even gone so far as to contact old boyfriends in USA, asking them honestly how I was as a person because I've completely forgotten. Seems I was very independent, goofy, aloof and somewhat dark on occasions. I specifically wanted to know if I was clingy and the answer was NO! Currently, I am a complete shadow of myself. I am clingy, needy, desperate, ATTACHED and the only thing possible having made me this (or I have LET it happen to me) is my husband.

I was mentally weak when I moved back from the States and he was....there. Took me under his wings. Moulded me whichever way he wanted. I gave him my heart, for the first time in my life-because I wanted to do relationships right this time around. And now I'm stuck. It was The Perfect Storm and now we are both stuck out on the ocean.

posted January 13, 2023 03:45 AM            

I didn’t learn how to set healthy boundaries as a child. I thought I had mastered my issues when I started living in my own and eventually learned to let go of some of the feelings of responsibility towards my parents. But when my children were born, I repeated the same patterns.

I think my anxiety is less, now all my worst case scenario’s have come true. My parents have died, I’m no longer in contact with my younger brother and I’m divorced. All of these things were eventually beyond my control. I can’t take responsibility for the actions of others and I need to stand up for myself. I can’t force other people to love me or to treat me with kindness and compassion. But I can control what kind of behavior I tolerate.