posted January 06, 2023 04:18 AM            

We HAVE been talking about leaving during the winter months as long as we had a concrete plan economically. I reminded him of this to which he responded “NO! NO PLAN!! I just want to leave”.

I calmly pointed out that he will turn 52 and I, 47, but this didn’t seem to register.

We run a company together that has rendered us quite comfortable (but very hard work!) and we were in deep sh*t before we bought this company in 2018.

I asked him if this was him mixing up wanting to leave or him wanting to leave ME because of the 7 year itch but he said that was not so and that he loved me.

I know that HE knows that money doesn’t grow on trees and situations around the world have changed, dramatically.

Still, I feel there’s no room for discussion here and that I’m stuck between a sword and a knife. Either way, I will have to start over.

Should perhaps mention that his Taurus Moon and Saturn is being pounded by tUranus but soon tSaturn will be in Aqua, along with tPluto.

posted January 06, 2023 05:59 AM            

Is there a compromise possible? He goes to build a life there for the first few months and then you can visit for a while and eventually make a decision? Take him out of the equation, he has already made up his mind, and just look at what would work for you. What you need to make a good decision in this situation. Give yourself the opportunity to listen to your gut/instinct/heart or whatever tells you is right. If you decide too quickly, there might be resentment later on.

posted January 06, 2023 06:19 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by PlutoWasHere:
@charlie, that sounds like a terrible decision you have to make. I can understand this makes you feel like you have only bad options to choose from.

Is there a compromise possible? He goes to build a life there for the first few months and then you can visit for a while and eventually make a decision? Take him out of the equation, he has already made up his mind, and just look at what would work for you. What you need to make a good decision in this situation. Give yourself the opportunity to listen to your gut/instinct/heart or whatever tells you is right. If you decide too quickly, there might be resentment later on.

Wishing you lots of strength and wisdom.

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It is a terrible situation! I’m scared because I fought and struggled so hard when I left USA after 19 yrs. I left with absolutely nothing December 2013. I don’t want to end up there again. Over my dead body! I’m finally settling down and so this?

Asked my wise dad for advice. Said exactly how it is and he told me to go ahead and put the company up for sale in 2024, take the money and just walk away. There are jobs for me if needed (he’s well connected). He also said that I can’t let my husband treat me as if I’m a floating balloon as he pleases and that I need to secure my own future.

posted January 06, 2023 07:40 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by charlie:
…Asked my wise dad for advice. Said exactly how it is and he told me to go ahead and put the company up for sale in 2024, take the money and just walk away. There are jobs for me if needed (he’s well connected). He also said that I can’t let my husband treat me as if I’m a floating balloon as he pleases and that I need to secure my own future.

I suppose he’s right?

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I agree that your husband is being selfish by putting you in this situation. He should have not put you on the spot like this, but discuss several options with you. If he’s suffering right now and really wants to move as soon as possible, he could just put that open on the table without forcing something down your throat. It’s painful when a partner acts like you’re just there along for the ride. From my own experience, nothing hurt more than the realization my partner didn’t see me as part of his team anymore but as an obstacle in his way.

posted January 07, 2023 01:25 PM            

When I was done hysterically crying, I had an idea (that I already question) that I do stay behind and run the company without him. Need to hire another technician that is equally as skilled as he is though. His face got brighter and he seemed to like that idea, kinda.

posted January 07, 2023 07:17 PM            

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Originally posted by PlutoWasHere:
Thank you for that update, charlie. It’s good to see some kind of compromise is possible. But it’s a bit strange that he’s so extremely focused on going back to his home country. Does he feel some kind of obligation to return? Maybe a relative is in need of help? Or maybe some unfinished business he wants to take care of? It seems like he’s holding back but it’s good that he’s planning to return to you as well. He’s not cutting all ties.

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posted January 08, 2023 06:06 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by charlie:
He’s not going back to his birth country. He just wants to leave wherever the wind blows but me being paranoid, I think that he knows where he’s going and won’t tell me because won’t like it. He wants to come back to Sweden between May-August because that’s when we usually work with our side gig.

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Wait, what? That’s not how someone should behave in a relationship. He’s pushing his own agenda and shutting you out when you don’t play along. He’s being very selfish.

Maybe it’s time for you to mirror his behavior and put your own interests first.

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Either way, I’m just exhausted! He has threatened SO many times to leave me during our marriage. And to move out. And to divorce me. I no longer know what to believe. Should I believe him this time? Or not? He seems serious but maybe not? It’s just plain madness and all I really want to do is vanish from earth. I don’t have any dignity left.

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Does he have attachment issues? This type of behavior seems like he’s testing you. But no matter what the reason, it’s hurting you and I can understand you’re tired of it. Can you talk to a professional about this? Get your mind sorted and think about what you find acceptable and when someone’s crossing your non negotiable boundaries. And what it is you want. It helped me a lot when I was on the point of a mental breakdown. I was so miserable in my marriage because I always felt I wasn’t good enough. It helped me so much to talk to a neutral party and cut through the anxiety of divorce and think about what makes my life worth while.

posted January 08, 2023 10:46 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by PlutoWasHere:
Does he have attachment issues? This type of behavior seems like he’s testing you. But no matter what the reason, it’s hurting you and I can understand you’re tired of it. Can you talk to a professional about this? Get your mind sorted and think about what you find acceptable and when someone’s crossing your non negotiable boundaries. And what it is you want. It helped me a lot when I was on the point of a mental breakdown. I was so miserable in my marriage because I always felt I wasn’t good enough. It helped me so much to talk to a neutral party and cut through the anxiety of divorce and think about what makes my life worth while.

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First and foremost I want to say THANK YOU for listening and giving me advice! I truly appreciate it from the bottom of my Capricorn heart and it's something I never forget! Really, immense gratitude to the point of tears.

I have actually booked an appointment 2:30pm Swedish time tomorrow with a professional. I can't deal with this roller coaster right now. One second I am ecstatic and the next, I want to end my life.

He IS being very selfish and I feel left out but at least we have managed to communicate today after a very long night with little sleep.

He has come forth and explained this (and I kinda knew this had something to do with):

1) his daughter is behaving like an idiot, even for a 15yr old and he's had enough of her. There has always been bad blood between him and his ex wife and quite honestly, they should not have given life to another human. He is SO fed up that he is scared he will do something very stupid and end up in jail and that is something he doesn't want.

We need to remember, and respect, that where he comes from there are different cultures and he is stuck in his ways regarding this. Right now he won't back down. He won't accept an apology from daughter even if she happened to pop up after having been living with the mother since may last year. She just vansihed and we got worried. No calls/visits/texts. Nothing! We called Social Services. We drove by the mother's house. We called the school. Now she sends a text every other day and tries to get his attention but I am not sure that is sincere from her part. He feels it isn't.

2) He has started to worry that he will die alone in Sweden and he feels that being closer to family, he will die with dignity. THIS I can understand actually and I know that had my parents not been alive, the choice to leave had been easy to make.

3) He feels Canada (Toronto) is a very good choice. He has family there and it's an interesting market for sole entrepreneurs. It does however, contradict his previous wish of living somewhere warmer. As far as I know, Toronto has the same climate as Sweden....he hates the winter...
I am trying to steer him towards Norway which has also been discussed many times before and where we actually work for a few weeks every year and actually know the system. But no! He is stone set in his thinking:

-It's Canada
-It'll happen at the end of the year( he won't accept help from his Canadian citizen sister. He wants to do it ALL himself-he doen't even know how their Visa program works..)
-His daughter can "go and eff herself and he "won't ever trust her again"

I politely asked what he would do if the daughter came home to us and gave him a very sincere apology while also saying what has happened in her life and to that he said: it won't happen and I won't listen.

Regarding attachment issues..I am no professional but if I were to guess, based on MY behaviour, I would say yes.
I, however, have separation anxiety (will be discussed with professional tomorrow along with all else).

I am curious! In what I've said, where did you pick up about that there might be attachment issues?

Also, I am glad you feel better now!! how long did that whole "journey" take you? Must have been such a relief when you were able to see clearly!

Also, googled this and YES!!!!!!

"Disorganized attachment adopts features of avoidant styles, and can also include:

Depression and anxiety
Outbursts and unpredictable behaviors
Poor self-esteem and self-worth
Reliving abuse and trauma through relationships"

posted January 08, 2023 12:35 PM            

About the attachment issues, his continuing threats to leave seems like he desperately wants someone to show their commitment to them. Like he doesn’t trust that someone will love him and stay with him. I think I read about it somewhere. But I’m not an expert of course.

These last two years have been so impactful for me. I was so miserable because I felt unloved and unappreciated, I hit an all time low. Then, I realized I was putting my life and happiness in the hands of another person. It was like an epiphany and I could see clearly how that was never going to work out. I had to take control of my life again and find out what it was I wanted in stead of trying to avoid my biggest fears. Sometimes, I feel a bit overwhelmed by it all but then I remember how far I have come already. It’s not going to be perfect from day 1, but I’m on the right path and I just need to keep going one step at a time.

posted January 08, 2023 01:01 PM            

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Originally posted by PlutoWasHere:
You’re welcome, charlie! Life throws us curveballs and people are just so freakin’ complex. Sometimes all you need is someone that understands that life can get messy. We earth signs need to support each other (Taurus Sun and Virgo Moon). 😁

About the attachment issues, his continuing threats to leave seems like he desperately wants someone to show their commitment to them. Like he doesn’t trust that someone will love him and stay with him. I think I read about it somewhere. But I’m not an expert of course.

These last two years have been so impactful for me. I was so miserable because I felt unloved and unappreciated, I hit an all time low. Then, I realized I was putting my life and happiness in the hands of another person. It was like an epiphany and I could see clearly how that was never going to work out. I had to take control of my life again and find out what it was I wanted in stead of trying to avoid my biggest fears. Sometimes, I feel a bit overwhelmed by it all but then I remember how far I have come already. It’s not going to be perfect from day 1, but I’m on the right path and I just need to keep going one step at a time.

Good luck tomorrow! I hope it will give you more clarity about the path that is right for you. ❤️

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My husband is an earth moon too (Taurus). There IS stability in him but boy does he have issues!

I am happy that you are in a better place and I wish you all the best!! Like I said, I won't forget someone that takes time from THEIR life to listen to someone else's! You can't put a price on that.

And your assessment that he threatens to get affirmation that someone will stay is true. He goes ballistic, I plead and beg, he calms down and all is well. Thank you for pointing that out!

May I ask what your husband did that made you feel you weren't getting the attention and respect you deserve?

I can almost feel the pain you were going through those nights you were crying alone! Exhaustion. Desperation. Darkness. It's a very lonely place to be in and you also had to hide it from your kids! I wish nothing but the best for you in 2023 and beyond! And now we have "found" eachother here on LL so you can always lay it on me

posted January 08, 2023 01:46 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by PlutoWasHere:
By the way, I feel like he’s making a way too big of a deal about the issues with his daughter. She’s 15, still a kid, her brain isn’t fully grown yet. And she’s going through puberty, she going to be testing boundaries, of course she’s going to be a pain. But he’s an adult. It’s a poor excuse for his behavior.

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posted January 08, 2023 02:47 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by PlutoWasHere:
By the way, I feel like he’s making a way too big of a deal about the issues with his daughter. She’s 15, still a kid, her brain isn’t fully grown yet. And she’s going through puberty, she going to be testing boundaries, of course she’s going to be a pain. But he’s an adult. It’s a poor excuse for his behavior.

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posted January 09, 2023 01:39 AM            

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Originally posted by teasel:
Yep.

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posted January 09, 2023 01:39 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by teasel:
Yep.

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posted January 09, 2023 02:43 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by MoonMystic:
@charlie,
I am just skimming through your posts. I don't honestly feel it seems like a 7 year itch. I was wondering if he is privy of info he's withholding regarding the way Sweden will implement actions towards the citizens? You are right especially to to NOT want to come back to America. It's nothing near it's version when you left.
As a spiritualist in my purest core, I see there being nowhere on tera that is going to ease any discomfort. We're in a time where within ourselves/relationships is where any comfort available may be discovered. There's so much 3d turmoil and it looks long term, sadly.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.

These times are trying on us all and maybe he needs to really tell you what's on his mind, weighing in his heart that would provoke such a huge move.

I'll go back to skimming.

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posted January 09, 2023 05:16 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by charlie:
Yep! The more I think about this statement, the more I realize how messed up it is.

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posted January 09, 2023 12:21 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by charlie:
My husband is an earth moon too (Taurus). There IS stability in him but boy does he have issues!

I am happy that you are in a better place and I wish you all the best!! Like I said, I won't forget someone that takes time from THEIR life to listen to someone else's! You can't put a price on that.

And your assessment that he threatens to get affirmation that someone will stay is true. He goes ballistic, I plead and beg, he calms down and all is well. Thank you for pointing that out!

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I’ve been in your position, felt the panic of falling into a seemingly bottomless pit of emotions. I have a wonderful coworker who had a terrible divorce and was kind enough to take me under her wing and give me advice during my lowest point. I’m happy I can repay this service to someone in some way.

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May I ask what your husband did that made you feel you weren't getting the attention and respect you deserve?

I can almost feel the pain you were going through those nights you were crying alone! Exhaustion. Desperation. Darkness. It's a very lonely place to be in and you also had to hide it from your kids! I wish nothing but the best for you in 2023 and beyond! And now we have "found" eachother here on LL so you can always lay it on me

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That’s really sweet of you, charlie. It’s not always easy for me to open up. It makes me feel awkward and vulnerable. But I’ve learned that it builds strength as well. So I’m slowly getting better at it.

My husband started to avoid me, physically and mentally. There was no more intimacy and he was no longer interested in my daily experiences. Which to me was evennesses. He didn’t ask me about my day, my work or had any interest at all in my opinion on things. He made important decisions without me. Even though our oldest son had just been diagnosed with autism and had lot of difficulties in after school daycare, he decided to work more hours and arranged daycare behind my back. This was not the only incident.

We normally took the kids to school to school together. One day he just went to the car, while our youngest son didn’t even have his shoes on an after two minutes he just drove away without us. The kids were in tears and I had to make excuses for his behavior so they wouldn’t be too upset. He refused to answer the phone the entire day. When he came home he was still angry. This ****** me off so much. He intentionally created drama. All he had to say that morning was: “honey, can you take the kids to school? I’m really busy right now.” And there would have been no problem at all. He was looking for a fight. And the worst was that our kids were suffering for it.

I gave him a piece of my mind at that moment and he was ready to go to his mother. But our oldest son pleaded with him. And he caved. But I knew it was over. He had no real intention to work on our relationship. He didn’t want to go to therapy and only after asking him directly he was willing to admit he no longer loved me. I’m still fuming about his behavior though. He should have had the guts to have a conversation about this with me like a normal adult. He treated me like the villain to justify his own feelings and our children got dragged into it. This was so unnecessary and for me unacceptable.

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This is what I love with some people! LOGIC. Talk to me in logic so that I can understand. I don't speak riddles or roundabouts. I don't speak surface. Nor metaphors. I need cold, hard logic and if it hurts, I'll get over it! Love it

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posted January 10, 2023 06:44 AM            

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Originally posted by PlutoWasHere:
Well, I’m an earth dominant with a Virgo Moon. I like to keep it logical and practical when things get difficult. But don’t forget to leave room for your emotions as well. Because we’re allowed to feel hurt when someone crosses our boundaries. And then we move on… and thrive. Best revenge possible. 😁

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Your story about your husband sounds somewhat familiar except my still asks me for advice among other things. Obviously not about what this thread was started for..

But the whole starting drama, taking off, hurting other people incl children. The pushing away in hope-I think-to get an argument and subsequently an excuse to REALLY take off. No respect whatsoever and so excruciatingly tiresome!

I went to the psychologist yesterday. I really liked her and I cried for 50 min straight. She took down a lot of notes and will see me same time and day for a couple of weeks to start off with. When I got home, I realized how much I’ve spent of myself making sure others are OK while I’ve been left out on a rocky ocean. Ever since I was a little child being torn between two fighting parents. I’ve always been the one to “fix” the situation. To “row” everybody to shore, to safety. I don’t know how to fix it :-/