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T
Knowflake

Posts: 2485
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted October 01, 2010 08:18 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for T     Edit/Delete Message
Since I have some computer time here, I thought I would update you all on my situation briefly. Recently my life has taken some major turns for the worse. As you have probably gathered from my last post, i will not be having a baby. I am okay with that. Never have i gone through quite a dark night of the soul as this - ever. That is for certain. I've been at my lowest point yet and things were looking extremely bleak. Like everything in my life, everything happened suddenly, extremely quickly and unexpectely and it was "one thing after another" a living nightmare. I'm homeless right now (living in my car) because i left an abusive relationship (again), and have a health crisis to deal with, but something major happened today that is going to change all of that and I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. All day all i can think of is how greatful and relieved i am that things are finally going to turn around once and for all, but not overnight and it still wont be easy. I want to cry because i feel like finally someone "up above" "on the other side" whatever - has heard my cries and knows my heart and is listening. I got word that I will finally be recieving some compensation that I have been fighting for and because of that, will now be able to fulfill a long time dream of mine and not have the pressure and stress that i have had for some time now. I have been carrying some enourmous weights for quite awhile and things seemed to be spiralling downward way too quickly. It was scary and overwhelming to say the least. People have said God never gives you more than you can handle. If that's the case, he must have finally noticed that I could not handle any more and was at the end of my rope. And that I have not been handling all of this too well for awhile.

A woman approched me at a bookstore the other day, she is a reiki master and intuitive. Her guides told her to come up to me and talk and she said "If you are looking for the answer for you, it is Yes." I'm still contemplating on what that might mean. We talked for two hours. She was an interesting woman and brightened up my day and gave me some hope. She had a tiny crystal in her pocket and gave it to me, saying she liked to carry around crystals and give them to people who needed them. She wasnt sure what it was, but from what i can tell, it looks like a herkimer diamond. Anyway, she brought up Archangels and she said she'd like to write down a prayer she knew for me to say to Archangel Michael. I only got to read through it once and no longer have the piece of paper. But i really don't need it anyway. I said some prayers to him and my own guides as i usually do and have been doing more lately. So here I am now...still alive....in a bit of shock(s), but this time a good one has come in with the bad ones. I'm feeling like a huge weight has been lifted knowing that a hand has finally come down to help pull me out. And maybe i wasnt forgotten about afterall. I remind myself often that many people out there have it worse and to be thankful for whatever i do have, i do this often. I made a pact with myself recently that I would never give up, ever. Because i have been coming close again and again lately. No matter what, i will not give up, i just wont. But take me if you want me. I'm ready to leave this body any time.

I realized I have not been living the life i was born to live here and not in alignment to my souls code and that is exactly why i was being faced with these situations. They are trying to force me to wake up, change, regroup and transform. I was refusing to fully listen to my inner voice and had almost completely given up. Life has been trying to FORCE me back to my center and highest self. Well it has worked. Or something did a few days ago. Some strange peace was present amidst all the turmoil and chaos. All i want to do is heal myself and live my truth, get back on track. That's it. That's all i care about. A few days ago i realized i had to let go and give full trust to "whatever" is out there or going on here on this planet/universe or I would definitely die. And I am prepared to die trying now. But die while i'm alive. Which I thought i have already done enough times, but i guess not. I decided i needed to get back on my path (not to say i had completely strayed off of it or was doing anything "wrong" or "bad"). But that i was very much out of alignment and have allowed too much negativity in for too long. This was now the end of the line and everything is too out of hand. So completely shattered, I give myself up to the unknown and go on. Make a promise to myself to leave everything and everyone I know behind and focus on finding clarity, change and healing. That's all i can do. Maybe this pact/promise was heard and part of the reason why things are AGAIN turning around so quickly. Maybe not. I have no idea. I just know that it's the darkest before the dawn and i'm ready for a new dawning. A cleansing. This is going to involve retreating and a regrouping and centering of my energies. I'm more determined than ever to make a radical shift in my life and get away from "it all". And I guess all of these events needed to happen in order for me to do so. I've been told many times that I should write a book about my life because it's been so insane and chaotic. A psychic once asked me if i was writing one and when i laughed and said no, that i was no writer, she said well you might in the future. I don't see that happening, but of course it is a possibility. Stranger things have happenend. There is a distinctly differnt energy to this little nightmare chapter of my life that is hard to describe, but it is one in which i feel like i have found a new source of strength and determination rather than something i will just "get through". Or i havent found it, but it found me and it's confident and it's a good feeling. These inner changes had all come before i found out my good news today. I wasnt feeling great when i woke up as i havent been getting good sleep and under alot of stress and had many things to attend to early in the morning, so when i got this news that i have been waiting for after all that has gone on, I just about broke down and cried. I was sitting in my car reading when i got the call and after i hung up i just sat there in shock, relief and all i could "say" (mentally) was THANK YOU over and over again. Who i was saying it to, I dont know. I think many people. Who ever may be helping me from the other side and this side. But that's all i could think, those words flowed and repeated in my mind like a mantra and i felt like my soul was crying out of relief and joy. It's been a long time coming. It was a much needed balm. My soul or spirit feels so black and blue and beat up, but i'm still plugging along and determined to continue to, no matter what happens. Part of the reason why is also something i read in a book i came across recently that i will post about. I scribbled down some things from one of the chapters that really hit home and helped me and that i think would help some people here. I'll type them in the next post.

If you have made it this far, thank you. I dont mean to be cryptic and will update more as time goes on and time allows and things start to fall back into place. I'm looking forward to the next adventure and get the feeling that i'm moving into what will be the better half or part of my life as i leave just about everything behind me. We'll see. I'm more curious than ever now about what might lie ahead.

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mermaid26
Knowflake

Posts: 713
From:
Registered: Jun 2009

posted October 01, 2010 08:47 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for mermaid26     Edit/Delete Message
September 29th is the feast of St. Michael the Archangel.
Wishing you continued healing and blessings and protection and much JOY!

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LEXX
Moderator

Posts: 2982
From: Still out looking for Schr�dinger's cat.........& LEXIGRAMMING... is my Passion!
Registered: Apr 2009

posted October 01, 2010 08:49 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for LEXX     Edit/Delete Message
T
I am listening.
I hope that helps some.
{{{hugs}}}
You know I understand.
And if I could I would help you out financially.
I will play the lottery tomorrow and wish to be able to help you out.
Keep us updated please.

------------------
Everyone is a teacher...
Everyone is a student...
Learning is eternal...LEXX
~Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known. ~Carl Sagan
}><}}(*>♥<*){{><}

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T
Knowflake

Posts: 2485
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted October 01, 2010 08:50 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for T     Edit/Delete Message
Although I only got to read two chapters, I highly recommend this book:

The Language of Emotions: What Your Feelings Are Trying to Tell You

by Karla McLaren

This was from the Suicidal Urges chapter. The Depression one was the other one I read, which was equally helpful.

quote:
"Suicidal urges come forward when the difference between who you are in your deepest self and who youve become in this world of distractions and trauma is so extreme that it can no longer be tolerated. Suicidal urges are an emergencey message from lost parts of your psyche - parts that are in real danger of soul death in your current situation. If you can understand that the primal intelligence inside of you is and always will be dedicated to your survival and your wholeness, you'll be able to view your urge to suicide in a mythological and sacred way instead of treating it as a literal wish for physical death.

Suicidal urges arent literal death-wishes, they are actually the last resort of a soul lin torment. Suicidal urges arise ofter your fears have thoroughly destabilized you and become overwhelmed, and youve fallen into one endangering situation after another; after your angers have been crushed and your boundaries have been trampled, aftger youve been sepereated from your sadness and your grief and have fallen into unrelenting despair. Suicidal urgers arise after sever traumas have thrown you back and forth between the first two stages if traumatic initiaton so many times that youve become exhaused by loss after years of dissasociation, distraction, avoidance and addiction, and after shocks so profound that you can barely remember what normal life feelis like.

Your suicidal urges arise when you need enough energy to wrench yourself bodily, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually out of a situation that is killing you already.

Suicidal urges are your last defense, which is why they carry such intensity.


This was like a breath of fresh air. I'm sending a copy to my therapist when I am able to. I think he needs to read it. She goes into the real root of these urges more in the chapter and she has been there herself. I havent read such a view on this before and it really helped me to look at depression and things of this nature in a brand new light. A hopeful and constructive light. It might be of great benefit to many people here.

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SunChild
Moderator

Posts: 1190
From: Melbourne. Victoria. Australia
Registered: Apr 2009

posted October 01, 2010 08:55 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for SunChild     Edit/Delete Message

Ohmy goodness T
You have a beautiful attitude and amazing strength, this journey so far has been incredible for you, I really enjoyed learning your perspective, and so happy that you have been given something that inspires you.
Lots of Love

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T
Knowflake

Posts: 2485
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted October 01, 2010 08:59 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for T     Edit/Delete Message
mermaid, thank you so much. And for some reason, your comment made me gasp - the date of the feast of St. Michael the Archangel. He was probably listening to me or with me that day. Thank you for mentioning it and your well wishes. Same to you.

LEXX, I was thinking of you and and your husband when I typed the above exerpt and was about to make a post to you, if you were reading - maybe it would help him. How is he doing? I will have to check your string in LC when I have more computer time. Thank you for listening and your prayers too. Big hugs back to you. I know you understand and that is a comfort. I'm hoping things get better for you both as well and thank you.

I'm out of computer time now but will check in soon.

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LEXX
Moderator

Posts: 2982
From: Still out looking for Schr�dinger's cat.........& LEXIGRAMMING... is my Passion!
Registered: Apr 2009

posted October 01, 2010 08:59 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for LEXX     Edit/Delete Message
I agree.
quote:
"Suicidal urges come forward when the difference between who you are in your deepest self and who youve become in this world of distractions and trauma is so extreme that it can no longer be tolerated. Suicidal urges are an emergencey message from lost parts of your psyche - parts that are in real danger of soul death in your current situation. If you can understand that the primal intelligence inside of you is and always will be dedicated to your survival and your wholeness, you'll be able to view your urge to suicide in a mythological and sacred way instead of treating it as a literal wish for physical death.

Suicidal urges arent literal death-wishes, they are actually the last resort of a soul lin torment. Suicidal urges arise ofter your fears have thoroughly destabilized you and become overwhelmed, and youve fallen into one endangering situation after another; after your angers have been crushed and your boundaries have been trampled, aftger youve been sepereated from your sadness and your grief and have fallen into unrelenting despair. Suicidal urgers arise after sever traumas have thrown you back and forth between the first two stages if traumatic initiaton so many times that youve become exhaused by loss after years of dissasociation, distraction, avoidance and addiction, and after shocks so profound that you can barely remember what normal life feelis like.

Your suicidal urges arise when you need enough energy to wrench yourself bodily, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually out of a situation that is killing you already.

Suicidal urges are your last defense, which is why they carry such intensity.


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T
Knowflake

Posts: 2485
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted October 01, 2010 09:04 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for T     Edit/Delete Message
Thanks alot SunChild. The journey is not over yet, but at least for the time being i feel like i'll be able to handle it or anything else that comes my way.

Lots of Love to you too, sweet soul.

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LEXX
Moderator

Posts: 2982
From: Still out looking for Schr�dinger's cat.........& LEXIGRAMMING... is my Passion!
Registered: Apr 2009

posted October 01, 2010 09:13 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for LEXX     Edit/Delete Message
T
quote:
LEXX, I was thinking of you and and your husband when I typed the above exerpt and was about to make a post to you, if you were reading - maybe it would help him.
He said to tell you thank you!{{{hugs}}}and to take care of yourself please.
quote:
How is he doing?
Much better, but as you know, it takes awhile to recover from such. He has been writing emo poetry, it really helps. And I have seen him really laugh this week for the first time in months! Going totally off the one med has helped.
quote:
I will have to check your string in LC when I have more computer time.
Please no worries, your kindness has really helped and now please take care of you!
quote:
Thank you for listening and your prayers too. Big hugs back to you. I know you understand and that is a comfort. I'm hoping things get better for you both as well and thank you.
Blessings and love and good fortune to you I wish and summon! I am here, and so are others here, and we can listen.
And if you need to talk privately, please e-mail me OK?
quote:
I'm out of computer time now but will check in soon.
Sorry, did not see your post until after my previous one.
So do not know if you will see this post until later.
Hope you rest well tonight.
Is there a hotel near?
I could call and help pay for you a room for at least a night. (I would need a heads up though because I have no credit, and would have to buy a gift card which can be used like credit)
(or a women's shelter?)
Do you have food?
I really cannot afford much, but I hate seeing you in such a position especially after miscarrying.

Please be careful.

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Peri
Knowflake

Posts: 1574
From: 49N35 34E34
Registered: Apr 2009

posted October 01, 2010 09:32 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Peri     Edit/Delete Message
you are so strong T, I admire you
good luck to you and lots of love and healing energy

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Unmoved
Moderator

Posts: 2016
From:
Registered: May 2009

posted October 01, 2010 10:57 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Unmoved     Edit/Delete Message
T

I empathize with you because I am probably at the same place too. We might've gone through different experiences and the light at the end of the tunnel might manifest itself differently, but I am on the same boat. Just an hour ago, I got onto my knees and started giving thanks out loud. I thanked the Creator, my guides, Christ consciousness, a few Lords of Karma, I thanked the Earth... I was just thanking everything and everyone including myself that I am no longer hopeless. I am no longer getting suicidal urges. I am no longer in turmoil, doubt, fear and no longer in a state that I hate to be. I am finally happy. My life is not yet perfect, but the Universe just opened up and my blessing started streaming in. I don't know if it is a fleeting thing or a start of a new and better life, but just like you, I said that I will NEVER give up, and that I get my happiness or due trying.

That's why reading your post is like something I would have written.

Be Good.

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Spanky Butler
Knowflake

Posts: 973
From: Australia
Registered: Apr 2009

posted October 02, 2010 04:02 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Spanky Butler     Edit/Delete Message
I have no doubt that you shall rise from the ashes.


Thank your for daring to open up T. You're amazing.

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katatonic
Knowflake

Posts: 5282
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted October 02, 2010 06:53 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for katatonic     Edit/Delete Message
T we have missed you so much and to hear you have been going thru all this...you ARE strong and you will come through, just wish you to feel all the love there is for you from many souls, here and elsewhere...and find a place to sleep and shower etc!

seeing you in a comfortable place for starters!

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Lara
Knowflake

Posts: 4533
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posted October 02, 2010 09:01 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lara     Edit/Delete Message
T,
I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling with no support
which city are you in and what is the nearest hotel?

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Azalaksh
Moderator

Posts: 910
From: New Brighton, MN, USA
Registered: Apr 2009

posted October 02, 2010 09:24 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Azalaksh     Edit/Delete Message
T ~

Sending lots of love and big squeeeezy {{{ hugs }}} and wishing you thousands more breaths of fresh air - this poor planet needs you, your amazing spirit and your incredible creativity, and YOU need you, aligned and beaming your special light out

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LEXX
Moderator

Posts: 2982
From: Still out looking for Schr�dinger's cat.........& LEXIGRAMMING... is my Passion!
Registered: Apr 2009

posted October 02, 2010 09:37 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for LEXX     Edit/Delete Message
http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum25/HTML/001764.html
http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum4/HTML/000534-2.html

T
If you let us know where you are, a few of us can get together and try to help find you food and shelter by making phone calls for you, and paying for at least a meal and a hotel room so you can rest and take a shower.
If you lived closer to me, I could try and find you some place to sleep instead of your car.
e-mail me if you want to.
fayte1954@hotmail.com.
Take care T.
{{{hugs}}}

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juniperb
Knowflake

Posts: 459
From: Blue Star Kachina
Registered: Apr 2009

posted October 02, 2010 11:12 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for juniperb     Edit/Delete Message
you have mail sweet T

------------------
What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world is immortal"~

- George Eliot

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AbsintheDragonfly
Moderator

Posts: 1297
From: Gaia
Registered: Apr 2010

posted October 02, 2010 11:29 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for AbsintheDragonfly     Edit/Delete Message
I sent you an email T, and Please take care of yourself.

Are there any shelter's for women nearby that you could at least have one night in a bed?

I will keep you close until you are better.

------------------
We justify ourselves each time we take a breath...

Me

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T
Knowflake

Posts: 2485
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted October 02, 2010 11:31 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for T     Edit/Delete Message
You guys are really fantastic. Thank you SO much for wanting to help out. Just knowing there are people out there who care is enough. I dont feel like I need anyone else's help right now. I'm managing just fine. I want to deal with this on my own. I have a bit of money to tide me over until this week when I will be getting the first part of my little windfall. Someone i spoke with early yesterday suggested i put my name on all the waiting lists at the city's homeless shelters. I'm not going to do that for a number of reasons. One, now i know that i have a way out of this mess. Two, there are people out there who need a place to stay more than me. Three, I REALLY need peace, quiet and alone time right now, for my own sanity. Talking to people makes me feel worse. I'm actually sort of enjoying the situation and making the best of the experience and knowing that it is temporary helps a great deal. There are people out there that care about me that i could probably call for help right now, but I would prefer to deal with the consequences of my choices and I think it is the right thing to do at this point. For a number of years i have kept most people i know at a distance and not kept in regular touch. My life has tended to have so many ups and downs and sudden twists and turns that i have distanced myself from people because i dont want to have to keep them informed of the craziness and would rather have them think i'm doing fine. I do not feel comfortable or that it would be the right thing for me to do, to call people up out of the blue to help me out. The best thing for me to do right now is rely on myself and deal with all of this on my own. Everyone has their own struggles to deal with and I do not want to be a burden on anyone else and would feel very uncomfortable taking help. Not to mention that this is all very embarassing! That i just can't seem to get it together!

Where i've been staying i notice there are two other people doing the same thing. They park in the same spot every night and i wonder about thier situation. I think to myself that things could be a lot worse. Before i knew i was getting the money coming to me finally, I still seemed to know that somehow, this was only temporary and was just another bump in the road that i will get over. Please know that i'm doing fine and will be okay. I'm sure of it. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? I get a little nervous thinking about what could be around the next bend, but i've been through enough to know that whatever it is, i'll deal with it and make it through. These experiences are only serving to make me stronger, giving me new insights and widening my perspective on life.

So the good news is that it's now looking like I will finally be able to see something ive daydreamed about for years, come to fruition. My plan is to find a used, but decent and reliable motor home, get myself a dog and hit the road. I'm looking forward to being able to see some new scenery and starting over and getting the heck out of dodge. Maybe finding a new part of the country to settle down in.

Thank you all again for your concern and well wishes. It's nice to have "family" and people who understand, who don't judge and really want to help out. Things are looking up and I hope in a couple of months i will be keeping everyone posted on more exciting and positive things.

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T
Knowflake

Posts: 2485
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted October 02, 2010 11:33 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for T     Edit/Delete Message
I really want to reply to each of you, but my time is limited here. Will to my best to and to respond to emails as time allows. Thanks again.

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T
Knowflake

Posts: 2485
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted October 02, 2010 11:52 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for T     Edit/Delete Message
Unmoved, I'm happy to hear that life is getting better for you too. Yes, it sounds like we are in similar boats. I believe alot of people are and that there are some major transformations and sudden shifts going on on this planet and with the people on it now. Hang in there yourself.

Peri, Spanky, kat, thank you.

Lara, that is extremely kind of you. As i explained above, i dont need help right now. I'll be able to get a hotel room here and there after this week to shower and have a normal night's sleep. I'll be able to pull through this and soon be on the road to a new lifestyle hopefully very soon. Again, thank you very much. All the best to you.

Zala, thank you

Juni & Abs thanks, i will check email later on.

Please guys, i dont want anyone's help except maybe keep me in your thoughts and prayers and hope that things continue to get better.

I will not accept monetary help, but the offers are very much appreciated. I am not that desperate right now. I have shelter, though not a typical roof, it's shelter. I have money for food and gas. Money will be coming in to help me out of this, so everything will be okay.

A huge thank you to you all for wanting to help. I'm okay with all of this - really! and things are going to get better. Lots of love to you all.

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Randall
Webmaster

Posts: 1328
From: Columbus, GA USA
Registered: Apr 2009

posted October 02, 2010 12:03 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message
Moving this to LLC2.

------------------
"Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes with the sharpeners on the back. I fancy myself to be a 64-color box, though I've got a few missing. It's okay though, because I've got some more vibrant colors like periwinkle at my disposal. I have a bit of a problem though in that I can only meet the 8-color boxes. Does anyone else have that problem? I mean there are so many different colors of life, of feeling, of articulation...so when I meet someone who's an 8-color type...I'm like, 'hey girl, magenta!' and she's like, 'oh, you mean purple!' and she goes off on her purple thing, and I'm like, 'no - I want magenta!'"
-John Mayer

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