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Author Topic:   Need a laugh?
astra7
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Posts: 1059
From: I live at 667
Registered: Sep 2014

posted March 21, 2015 09:10 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for astra7     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I've just bought this book called "F in Spelling" by Richard Benson. I've been in fits, it's hilarious.

Just a couple of examples:

English:
Q:Write about the importance of animals in Of Mice and the Men

A: The mice are very important - without them you'd only have the men.

LOL

Math:
Q: Define a triangle.

A: The most boring instrument in the orchestra.

Religious studies:
Q: Explain why rings are exchanged in marriage?

A: To show that you have bondage.

Classic studies:
Q: What didn't Roman children enjoy about education?

A: The same thing I don't enjoy, such as exams like this one.

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Lexxigramer
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From: The Etheric Realms...Still out looking for Schrodinger's cat...& LEXIGRAMMING.♥.. is my Passion!
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posted March 22, 2015 06:06 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lexxigramer     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Love those!
Thank you for posting!
Am going to find a copy of that book!

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astra7
Knowflake

Posts: 1059
From: I live at 667
Registered: Sep 2014

posted March 22, 2015 05:51 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for astra7     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Lexxigramer:
Love those!
Thank you for posting!
Am going to find a copy of that book!


I'll tell you there are more like the above and I've never laughed so much reading a book!!! LOL

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PixieJane
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From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010

posted March 22, 2015 06:17 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for PixieJane     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

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Ami Anne
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From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
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posted March 22, 2015 06:18 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ami Anne     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
These are adorable! xx

------------------
Want to Read Simple, Fun,Sexy Articles on Astrology? Check Me Out, DUDE.


http://www.mychristianpsychic.com/

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astra7
Knowflake

Posts: 1059
From: I live at 667
Registered: Sep 2014

posted March 23, 2015 05:50 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for astra7     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
These are genuine answers from students apparently.

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PixieJane
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From: CA
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posted March 27, 2015 11:48 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for PixieJane     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hope I don't start a trend that causes a string of gifs to be posted so that it takes a long time for some to load it but I had to share a couple:

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PixieJane
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From: CA
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posted March 27, 2015 11:49 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for PixieJane     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote

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astra7
Knowflake

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From: I live at 667
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posted March 29, 2015 08:20 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for astra7     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
OK, so the thread has taken a turn. lol

Cat playing Jenga
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eZygpaAJjCA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o7xvOXPZdPc

Bee!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gblxOQQ0iwQ

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Randall
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From: From a galaxy, far, far away...
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posted April 08, 2015 10:06 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote

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PixieJane
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From: CA
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posted May 08, 2015 01:20 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for PixieJane     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
A couple, both well into their 80's, go to a Sex Therapist's office where the doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and best of all.... Medicare pays $43 of it."

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PlutoSurvivor
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posted June 12, 2015 07:38 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for PlutoSurvivor     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Thanks. I needed a laugh

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PixieJane
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From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010

posted June 13, 2015 06:28 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for PixieJane     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. The family still used an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in the summer, freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek.

So, one day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He found a large pole and started pushing. Finally, after much effort, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. The boy knew that meant a spanking, so he asked why.

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth..."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father probably wasn't in the cherry tree."

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PixieJane
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posted July 23, 2015 09:39 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for PixieJane     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
These are supposedly real answers to the GEC examination in the UK by 16-year-olds. If true I'd wonder how many were just having some fun and how many were serious!


Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar


Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists


Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire


Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight


Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed


Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election


Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)


Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental


Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery


Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death


Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow


Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow


Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie


Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby


Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)


Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome


Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)


Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)


Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas


Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)
(UK tv advert from years ago)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

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PixieJane
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From: CA
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posted December 31, 2015 08:20 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for PixieJane     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
An octopus walks into a bar and sees a band playing in the corner, composed of those bar-room heroes, an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman. He walks up and says “Hi there, I’m the best musician in the world. For a few dollars I can play any instrument you like”.

So the English guy goes “Alright then. Play this” and hands him a guitar. The octopus plays it better than Jimi Hendrix, better than Chuck Berry, better than anyone, and hands the guitar back to him. The Englishman pays up.

The Irishman says “Okay, how about this?” and shows him to the piano. The octopus sits down and plays it like never heard before – better than Jerry Lee Lewis and Elton John. The best pianist ever. The Irishman pays up.

Finally, the Scotsman says “Alright, let’s see ya play this then” and hands him a set of bagpipes. The octopus looks at them and fumbles with them. Couple more minutes and he’s still struggling and there’s no sound coming out. Couple more minutes and still nothing so the Scotsman says “Oh, so can you not play it then?” And the octopus says “Play it? I'm going to make love to it as soon as I can get these bloody pajamas off.”

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PixieJane
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Posts: 9278
From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010

posted January 07, 2016 02:41 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for PixieJane     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
People on their grandchildren...

1.She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before.After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.

He asked, "What's it about?"

"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

x

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. She went, "That's interesting. How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

x


11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

x

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.

"No," said another. "He's just for good luck.."

A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

x

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.

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Randall
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From: From a galaxy, far, far away...
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posted January 08, 2016 11:26 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote

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diamondbaby
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posted May 02, 2016 11:14 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for diamondbaby     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Haha keep them coming!

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PixieJane
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From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010

posted May 03, 2016 03:31 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for PixieJane     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
A good looking blonde gets a job as a high school physical education teacher.

As she's supervising the kids one day she notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone,while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

She asks, "Are you okay?"

"Yes."

She says, "You can go play with the other kids, you know."

He replies, "It's best I stay here."

"Why's that sweetie?"

The boy looks at her incredulously and says, "Because I'm the Goalie!"

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PixieJane
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From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010

posted June 14, 2016 04:03 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for PixieJane     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand euros in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she removed all of her clothes, rolled the dice, and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men!

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PixieJane
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From: CA
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posted June 14, 2016 04:23 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for PixieJane     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
A blonde walks into a bank in NYC and says she needs to borrow $5,000 for a 2 week business trip in Europe. The bank officer says they'll need some kind of security so she hands over the keys and title to her Rolls Royce parked outside, and after it checks out they approve the loan and an employee parks her Rolls Royce in the underground parking lot of the bank, only to return to join in the laughing at the blonde for using a $250,000 car as collateral for a $5,000 loan.

Two weeks later the blonde returns and pays back the loan with the $15.41 interest. The bank officer thanks her but says, "Miss, we're very happy to have your business and the transaction worked out nicely, but we're puzzled. We checked you out and found you're a multimillionaire, so we were wondering why you needed a loan for $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I expect to park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and still expect it to be there when I return?"

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PixieJane
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posted June 14, 2016 04:23 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for PixieJane     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay, " says the lawyer, "your turn".

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you, " and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

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PixieJane
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From: CA
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posted November 03, 2016 03:14 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for PixieJane     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
NOT SO DIM JURY

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

In the defense's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.

"Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.

He looked toward the courtroom door.

The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.

A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case, as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury retired to deliberate. Only a few minutes later .the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of GUILTY!

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door?"

The jury foreman replied: "Yes, we did look, but your client didn't."

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mirage29
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From: us
Registered: May 2012

posted June 08, 2018 07:56 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for mirage29     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by astra7:
OK, so the thread has taken a turn. lol

Cat playing Jenga
- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eZygpaAJjCA
- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o7xvOXPZdPc

Bee!
- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gblxOQQ0iwQ


I energized the urls, removing the 's' from http.

Thank you, Pixie Jane!

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Randall
Webmaster

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From: From a galaxy, far, far away...
Registered: Apr 2009

posted June 09, 2018 05:49 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote

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