posted September 16, 2015 08:57 PM            

I have a friendship that has become really toxic over the years. This past year especially has become really hard for me. I don't enjoy talking to this person and I don't like the way this person makes me feel - he is extremely negative, possessive, and he puts me down whenever he's in a bad mood. I've called him out on this behavior multiple times and told him it upsets me/makes me uncomfortable. He either apologizes half-halfheartedly and then does the same thing a week later or blames me for "making him behave that way".

This person is often in a negative head space. Any time I try to be positive and help him see the good in his situation, he lashes out and says things like "You're stupid. What do you know.", or he'll say really hurtful things about bad things that have happened in my life, which were told in confidence. To this day he is the only friend I've ever had who has made me cry.

I know this all sounds super awful and dramatic - he's not a bad guy and he has been there for me during a few hard times. I just don't enjoy his company anymore and would rather have some space. I thought since he started dating his new boyfriend we'd grow apart a little, but he seems to be trying even harder to talk to me more.

Since the summer I've been trying to pull away and just not talk to him. He is super defensive and anytime I've ever tried to talk to him directly about how he makes me feel it turns into a blame-fest - he just accuses me of being selfish.

Well he's confronting me about my silence now and I don't really know what to say to him.

I'm sorry if this makes me sound mean, but isn't it my prerogative to decide who I talk to? Is it wrong to feel like I shouldn't have to justify myself here? Especially since I've told him before I don't like the way he treats me?

posted September 16, 2015 09:44 PM            

And the way I see it, if he really thought you were being the selfish one then HE'D be the one putting distance between the two of you rather than you. And who wants a friend that you have to GUILT them into being there for you? (That also suggests he isn't able to have other friends since he's trying hard to keep you from breaking the friendship in such a way.)

posted September 17, 2015 10:32 AM            

------------------
Want to Read Simple, Fun,Sexy Articles on Astrology? Check Me Out, DUDE.

posted September 17, 2015 06:23 PM            

@Valentine I've been taking a break from him and haven't been answering his calls for about a month now. He sent me a kind of passive-aggressive text yesterday basically asking why he hasn't heard from me. It made me feel really awkward because I don't know how to respond. I agree. I want to take a break but how do you tell someone that without it turning into something really uncomfortable?

@PixieJ

quote:

---

And the way I see it, if he really thought you were being the selfish one then HE'D be the one putting distance between the two of you rather than you. And who wants a friend that you have to GUILT them into being there for you? (That also suggests he isn't able to have other friends since he's trying hard to keep you from breaking the friendship in such a way.)

---

That's actually a really good point that I didn't think about until now. He's always saying that I'm selfish and a bad friend - it never occurred to me to ask him why, if he thinks I'm such a crappy friend, does he always want to talk/hang out?

Your guesses are pretty spot on. He doesn't have many friends aside from me and his family life is very dysfunctional but I wouldn't say it's been traumatic. He's very entitled and treats his family that way without repercussion. I think it has a lot to do with the way he acts around me.

quote:

---

...but it's not your responsibility to sort that out for him, it's his. Even if you were willing to do so you couldn't without his cooperation, and it doesn't sound like he's ready to sort it out, just in manipulating you to play out his dramas, and you'd be enabling his dysfunction rather than helping him by letting him get away with that.

---

Thank you. I feel like I needed to hear that.

posted September 18, 2015 04:51 AM            

The vision board is a great idea!

I'm not saying you should cut your friend off completely since we don't know the detailed history of your friendship. You did mention that he has been there for you in the past when you were going through a rough time and I hope that does not make you feel obligated to be his friend.

A good friend should be honest, offer constructive criticism which stems from love and be supportive. It's not acceptable for him to drag you down if he's in a foul mood etc.

It's good if you can spot these things and acknowledge that this behavior is not acceptable. You are not being mean or selfish. You still need to do what is best for you. Take this time out to decide what you want to do. Maybe you can tell him how you feel...

posted September 27, 2015 03:03 AM            

I've been thinking on this for the past few days and you're right. Communication is key here and I think the best thing for me to do is just continue to be honest - with myself and with my friend.

@Valentine Yea, I think it's probably important that I let him know why I need space. It's one thing for me to complain that he's negative or being hurtful and then continue to answer calls/texts and act like things are fine - it's another to say that I'm upset and then act upset. I seem to always struggle with connecting what I say with what I do. I imagine this is probably the problem.

@Charmaine Aw thanks! I love my vision board ! It's something I just recently decided to do for myself and it has quickly become my little "happy space". It's very motivating and exciting to see a visual display of my ideas/goals everyday. I've also decorated it a bit, so it looks pretty

I agree with everything you've said. There seems to be a level of disrespect that has developed between us and I think it's mostly my fault because (even though I call him out when he does things that are hurtful) at the end of the day, he seems to brush it off as though I am just being dramatic or something because I usually let it go so easily. I just get irritated in silence instead of standing firm.

Our friendship will definitely be changing a lot. We'll see if that means just ending it now, or going forward with much more emphasis on space and respect. Either way, I feel so much better/less guilty about my situation - thanks all

posted October 10, 2015 02:59 PM            

The second case is another 'best friend,' who was never really my best friend. Have you ever heard of the movie 'Single White Female' ? I don't even need to see it, because it would be akin to watching a recording of my life. I think it's been 4 years now, and I'm finally making it out alive. (Hopefully)
The thing that kept me going was the thought that despite all of the nonsense, at least she cares about me, and imitation is flattery, or whatever. (It's really not. I find it so disrespectful. ) Then at some point last week she did something that showed me, once again, that she has no consideration for my well being at all, and I realized that she's just been using me as some kind of sick muse this whole time. Agh. I could go on and on.

There have been a couple more instances where I've said 'enough,' in the past few months. But those two were key. I feel so much lighter these days, as a result.

Lesson learned: Only have relationships with people that make you feel good.
Seems obvious enough, but nope