posted May 05, 2015 09:36 PM            

Now as a parent, my biggest fear is his safety, and being bullied.
He's barely in jr high, and I worry about him going into high school.

2nd my biggest fear was HOW do I support him, I know with love and understanding, but what I mean, what do I do, do I take him to the gay pride parade type of stuff?
I know it sounds silly, but you know what do I do to help him be social, and not get depressed.
There's not a lot of places for a gay 13 year old to go, and be with others that have a better understanding.

Another thing, he has mostly all female friends. Sometimes all his female friends get together and spend the night. He begs me to spend the night at a girls house, but I just don't feel it's apprioate even though he's gay. I don't want him to end up in a situation, that could cause problems, or have some sort of misunderstanding.
I don't let him spend the night. I let him stay for a while, then I go pick him up.
He doesn't understand, says I'm not being fair.
It's an adjustment for me to, I have to learn the right way to guide him, only idk how to really guide him.

I feel bad, I keep thinking, he's got a tough road ahead of him. That makes me sad and worry! He's soo young

posted May 05, 2015 10:58 PM            

You just have to constantly challenge yourself to to be unafraid, or at least show no fear when he opens up to you.

You can't protect him from life you just have to show him how to navigate it. So if one day he tells you he's being bullied you have to be sure not to react in anger or fear, and miss out on an opportunity to educate him on how to take action in an intelligent and effective way.

About going to girls' sleepovers, he is just going to have to be practical. I doubt all of the girls' parents would be ok with it. You're going to have to be as frank and upfront with him as he is with you about things. At his young age he will need constant doses of reality, and I don't think you're doing him a disservice by telling him that while you accept him, not everyone will. He should always stand up against oppression, but sometimes he will have to operate within the confines of what is socially acceptable. It is best for him to start thinking about this early on. That way he will learn to pick his battles, and save his energy for the battles that really matter. He will need to maintain a proper balance of upholding his ideals, and dealing with reality. This will make him strong, and the grounded kind of person that can stand up for himself and others.

I don't know about the whole Gay Pride Parade thing, or support groups, or even social groups. It's up to you. I just can't get with those things. But maybe you will find he needs it.

Just always pay close attention to what he might need. Be observant but don't hover, and try not to let on that you're scared. Sometimes when the time is right and you both feel safe (he feels safe) it's ok to admit your fears. It helps children to see their parents as human, as long as their parents aren't making these confessions at a time, and in a way that will make the child feel like things are unstable.

posted May 05, 2015 11:59 PM            

A friend told me
Hey he's out and open, that means he's comfortable in his own skin, he knows who he is..

True, I know most young kids won't come out, until they are much older.

I know this really isn't about me, as a mother the basic instinct is to protect your child. I feel I won't be able to protect him from the big bad world, and ignorance.
At best I can help deal with it.
It's out out of my hands, as a mom, it makes me feel helpless.

posted May 06, 2015 12:00 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by mir:
Í'm proud of u and I'm proud of your son Lioness..... Just by a lack of better words.... your words really really touched something here

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posted May 06, 2015 09:33 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Lioness:
Thank you. I'm doing what I can. Idk if it's enough though.

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Love is enough. At the end of the day, it's what matters most.

I've counselled more men than I can count who range across the sexual spectrum. While it forms in childhood, it's all theory until it's put into practise. So, right now, he's finding he's attracted to the other guys in his class. He should certainly be commended for accepting his natural self rather than stifling it. So all you can do is be loving and supportive. Just exactly what you're doing. It'll all unfold over time.

posted May 06, 2015 10:56 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Aubyanne:
Love is enough. At the end of the day, it's what matters most.

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posted May 07, 2015 03:31 AM            

Being a parent is by far the most challenging experience EVER!!! Brings one face to face with all fears,all hopes and all vulnerabilities.

I came out to my Mom in 2008.

You speak a lot in your post about the things that you DON'T want your 13 year old to go through. But you don't speak of the things that you DO.

Why don't you tell us about the things that you DO want to happen to him? Go wild!

I'll respond to it when you are done.

posted May 07, 2015 09:24 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Aries23Degrees:
Bravo Mom

Being a parent is by far the most challenging experience EVER!!! Brings one face to face with all fears,all hopes and all vulnerabilities.

I came out to my Mom in 2008.

You speak a lot in your post about the things that you DON'T want your 13 year old to go through. But you don't speak of the things that you DO.

Why don't you tell us about the things that you DO want to happen to him? Go wild!

I'll respond to it when you are done.

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Great idea!

Well first he's my baby so I WANT to stay my sweet innocent baby FOREVER!!

I know I know!

I want what any mother wants for their child.
To be happy with himself
Have a lot of friends
Not fear other people
Learn a lot.
Good in school
Stable
To do his chores!! Lol

Over all, I want happiness, stable mentally, good health, wise, intelligent. .

Of course, I do some day, but it's not a focus now. Want him to be in a healthy relationship, I'm not gonna lie. I want grand babies!

posted May 08, 2015 06:50 AM            

What I got from all this is that you want what HE wants for himself. And not what YOU want for him.

This distinction is so important. Because parents usually invest their ego into their children and expect a "return on investment"-so to speak.

I won't say that being gay is the same as living a straight life.

These two things are categorically different and society responds to each differently.

But in essence the emotions that come with either life is the SAME.

This is what society fails to understand and thus puts a lower rate on people whom they don't recognize as "full" human beings.

This is true of everyone who is deemed "inferior" either by race,creed,class, color,origin or intelligence.

Depression,anxiety,violence,self-hate, insecurity,low-self esteem,low body image, irresponsibility,fear etc are feelings that we are all familiar with (gay/Str8 black/white/African/Asian etc).

But the world will especially and most likely respond to him in a manner that suggests that these feelings are as a result for the "deviant" person that he is(and this is your fear).

That he doesn't deserve as much attention /love or anything from the world since he has "chosen" to live a "deviant lifestyle"

Or perhaps suggest that he doesn't even feel the same depth of pain and rejection that other people would feel when a relationship breaks up etc.

I know that a lot more people are more progressive nowadays.But there are still some idiots walking around with intents to injure.And they injure!!

And sexuality/being different can be an easy target to choose when trying to undermine or demean someone etc.

Your presence in his life is most crucial in demonstrating what self worth,self-love,joy,inner peace,inner happiness and inner confidence all means.

You don't teach this by sitting him down and lecturing him.

Nor do you ever entertain fears that you have as a result of what you see on TV,on gay pride,on social media or the outside world.

But you do it through your own actions and continual demonstrations of what these grand principles actually mean.

It feels really painful,awful and infuriating to hear people say negative things about gay people or see things that are just not encouraging externally i.e on Tv or any-where else.Switch off!!

Remember that being gay is not an identity ,but an experience:Much like being black, being a woman,being a man,being beautiful, being "ugly" etc.

Remember the feelings you felt when you first laid your eyes on your child. When he took his 1st steps towards you and when he first looked at you with those big eyes and trustingly said "Mom".

You also know the feelings you have when you imagine the kind of person you wold like him to be;secure, fulfilled and happy.

This is what you should hang on to. This is the unspoken body language that you should adopt from here on and practice that. And only that.

Because no matter how the world wants to define your son;your heart and wonderful love.Perhaps "clump" him derogatively in a group as a "f**t", "q***r", "deviant" and other unsavory things.

You hang on to the 1st truth that you know about him .And you don't ever let him forget that.

That he is love and came from love.He is truth and came from truth.He is perfection and came from perfection.

He is exactly whom he "should" be and there is no-one and nothing he has to be/do to "better" himself in order to feel loved.

I know that this is true for all children. And it is.

The reason I stress this so much is because it is most unfortunate,but there is a seed that grows many times within children that makes them believe at some point,that they are "less" than others.

Children often subconsciously choose the bases of their "difference" i.e; colour,race,height,hair,weight, sexuality,sex etc. to be a platform from which to spring self-loathe from.

And the world can easily answer this self -loathing through making them feel that being who they are is different and thus "wrong".

So from such a a mind,there can be borne a lack-luster approach to life,taking short cuts and being seduced by conditional acceptance because the sense of self worth is deeply skewed.

When a child feels unworthy,they do things to mirror this; lose their morals,make really questionable decisions and keep suspicious company.

Whatever you do,hold him not to the fear and expectations that you sense the world will greet him/ already has made up their mind to have about him.

But look at him with the greatest expectations that you have for him.

He will feel it. Every time you look at him,talk to him and interact with him. He will know what standard you hold him up against.

And one day when he is older,he will hold himself in the same way.Perhaps not as soon as you like. But if you demonstrate this consistently enough,it'll start to be his truth too.

I think you are doing fabulous god work here and I am so proud of you for being honest enough to say that you are feeling afraid.

I am proud of every parent who brings such joyous things as children into this physical life experience!!!

posted May 10, 2015 12:50 AM            

I accept him, and treat him the same way as I always have. We did find a community center for gay or diverse teens (in some form) he's been going to that, he really likes going. I support him going and making new friends. It's also a type of guidance center. I hope they can help him in aras that I'm just not qualified for.

I always tell him, to tell me if he's having any problems with anyone, to let me know. He did have one issue with a boy at school, the school suspended both of them. I got on the school, and that. Know of, he hasn't had any more issues.

But a mom will always be a mom, and worry!
I have a feeling, I'm going I have some long nights ahead of me, when he gets older.

posted May 10, 2015 02:07 AM            

My sisters are okay.The one that comes just after me is so progressive,that it is really not a big deal for her.

My Mom though is well-meaning generally. But she is from the old school and a traditionalist.

She worries about this "unconventional lifestyle" And its not always a subject that is easy to navigate with her.

The one thing I think that I wanted when I came out to them,was complete acceptance!

This does not mean a hug or a pat on the back. But continual acknowledgment that I was never going to bring a wife nor assume the "straight" life experience.

I think what I wanted is that my family talks about my boyfriend as they would have, if I was straight and had a girlfriend.

In whatever form it takes and contrary to popular belief, I don't think people who come out want "preferential" treatment. Just acknowledgement and dropping the pretense.

So the parent would welcome a serious potential boyfriend/ girlfriend when they are introduced with open arms.

Discuss issues pertaining to lgbt people with a restraint on prejudice and an open mind.

Remembering that all emotions are essentially the same. That as a person who is same-sex attracted, is not devoid of the feelings that everyone else goes through.

In fact,it may be that the feelings are that much more "compounded". Because they belong to a "minority" group.

But dwell not on this either, but be ever more expansive in your approach.Because if you do, you may have someone who is afraid of living or paranoid about getting "compromised" by the outside world.

My friend is biracial and has often stressed how vigilant his mother has been in integrating both sides of his identity to him. In the absence of the father.

She has been extremely successful in this IMO as my friend is the coolest,most open-minded and flexible person I know.Just a chilled guy.

So when he came out to his mother at age 8, his Mom made it a point to open her mind about what all that means.

Not in terms of gay pride, gay TV,gay "culture" etc. But in terms of her own personal relationship with Sinazo(her son).

In the same breath, she acknowledged that he is still her son and not someone she should "hand over" to a gay community because she has no experience in that field.

The role of the parent remains ever more the top priority- with everything else secondary.

Because it is through the family dynamic that the individual learns base things like morals, values, dignity, pride and what it means to belong.

I wouldn't think a person would "hand over" an extremely gifted child to a more "competent" government organization- because they simply don't understand their genius.

But maybe perhaps have that as the background for so long as the child is still not conscious enough of what his "genius" means. And how that "genius" affects their experience of life etc.

As you can't be sure that external influences have the purest intentions for your child or see your child in the same loving light that you always do.

Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that it is wrong for him to be going to places that tackle issues that are specific to him.

But I think my concern would be that he doesn't start to err on the side of regurgitating these standpoints and assume that there is a "straight world" and "gay world" that is made up of people that are exclusively differing in everything.

That the "straight world " is antagonistic and that everyone is out to get him for his sexuality.

And conversely,that all gay people will support and love him by virtue of the fact that he shares their sexuality????

Rather,he should take what is useful to know and learn about those teachings- according to his own definition of what will be the best gay experience for him.

That is all that those organizations should serve.And nothing that even tries to define him and how he should "act" in accordance to perceived gay law

I myself don't live a "gay" life, I don't "gay" park" nor do I "gay" work. Because there is no such thing. But all life.

So on your side, acceptance and acknowledgement is everything.

It is very important that even after coming out, one keeps the dialogue going.

You can at times get it "wrong". And that is fine. Because you will never get it "done".

So long as you continually show a willingness to say " I don't know" or "I am afraid". It is cool.

So far though,I think you are doing very well.

posted May 10, 2015 10:34 PM            

He's a Leo Asc, so he's pretty confident, and LOUD, and funny, and a lil crazy!
I think over all who's doing well, but you know, I worry about as he gets older and starts to realize he's not accept as much, I think that will really have an effect.
At home, he's completely accepted, but I can't keep him from the ugly world outside.

posted May 10, 2015 10:46 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by CuriousPisces:
Hi Lioness,

You've already did the best by supporting him, not all parent are able to do that. cheers to that!

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posted May 15, 2015 11:52 PM            

and of course, to let her know that I'm not going to have a 'normal' marriage with kids and a husband.

her response are not as receptive as I hoped for. though when I brought my ex-partner home and introduce to her, she's ok with it. but I know deep down, she still hope that I will get a husband someday instead.

posted May 16, 2015 02:38 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by CuriousPisces:
when I came out to my mum is because i hope she will be supportive of my decision.

and of course, to let her know that I'm not going to have a 'normal' marriage with kids and a husband.

her response are not as receptive as I hoped for. though when I brought my ex-partner home and introduce to her, she's ok with it. but I know deep down, she still hope that I will get a husband someday instead.

Your support to your son, is what I sincerely and secretly hope that my mum would do. Your son is lucky to have you and your support

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I'm sorry that you didn't feel the support.
In the same respect, I think it's actually normal for a parent to hope for a "husband" and grand kids.
I one day hope to have grand kids also.
Your mom having a "wish" is ok. But as long as she also has acceptance of who you are. Try not to hold the "wish" against her. It's a natural wish in her eyes. Wish and acceptance are two different things.

posted May 16, 2015 03:26 PM            

not sure if she can fully accept for who i am. but she's my mum, i can understand even if she can't. its hard sometimes.

posted May 19, 2015 11:00 PM            

A teacher at my sons school, asked permission to take him to a lgbt community center, focused on teens.