posted December 26, 2015 12:41 PM            

It's about the musician and me.

And I'm putting pictures of this story

I've met this woman in may of this year that's now ending, in a road trip of artist that went to the countryside to read poetry and play some music, I can say that we more or less have an instant affinity by being both musicians, and I must say that more or less I was very intrigued by her since day one, as we spoke of Jaco Pastorius, songs, jazz, blues, and a bit of life, and as the night went on.

And for all the people present on that day, it was considered an epic moment, the power that we created on that night was very powerful and still is remembered as a great moment in our lives, but unfortunately then, we didn't saw each other as much as I wanted to, life's roads and all that stuff, only once in 4 and a half months, where I saw her with her then long-time boyfriend, and at first sight I felt something bad watching that man, that short skinny guy, a gut feeling saying, "**** ", but more on that as this story unfolds.

Then, after many months without seeing her, and some experiences in my life happened in these months, I decided to form a new band, because I wanted to play with new people, apart from my rock band, that's still going and rocking, and she was the first person I contacted, I always remembered that day with a such a feeling, and I knew then that that kind of chemistry was going to make great things, for the music, but as I found out that night, she was single again, I tried to supress it, but she was beautiful that night, and tried to focus on my mission to recruit a fantastic musican, well known in the circuits of our town, very professional and dedicated to her craft, and also, a fantastic writer and poet, and had a band that already has a record on sale, so, I knew with her experience and the creatitity I have, we were going to make great music.

And after a few weeks of recruiting the right people, or that's what I thought then, we had our first rehearsal, and from that day one, when we first started to play, an intense fire developed, as we somehow, started to make a song, our first one, laughter, smiles, happiness, those were the feelings I had on that day, and I saw it from her too, the sentiment of finding a musical soulmate. But, after she went home, I knew that the chemistry we possessed was going to go overboard, by me, her, or both, it was very powerful, and it was up to me to control it to make our band to function properly, so I decided to let the music flow first, before making an impulse, and back then as well, I was having a crush on someone else, but that part of the story some of you knew, so I ain't going to tell that part anymore
http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum35/HTML/003684.html

This is where that part of that time, where all conflicts started

The difference was, that with the musician, I felt a stronger pull, and we spent more time together, and we had more things in common, so, little by little, we spent a lot of time together, she stayed in my home after our rehersals for hours, we talked a lof of things in our lives, she talked a lot about her life as a single mom, as how she fights for her life and for her son's life, a growing 7 year old musician already, with a spirit full of joy, and that all the stories that she told me about him, made me happy. Playing in cover bands on which she plays for the money, and for keeping herself on shape, but not feeling that musical kinship with her bandmembers. The hardships of being in an abusive relationship for 10 long years, physical and emotional violence, jealousy, excessive possessiveness, a man that was absent for his son since he was born, and with all of that, they had a band together, and many social projects, and many other things like poetry, music, life experiences and more.

And as the days went by, we were started to being more closer, but I kept a thin line, one that I didn't want to cross yet, as I knew that I was developing deep feelings for her, because I knew, I was with someone that was going to make me experience very powerful emotions that I was not ready yet for them to come. Laugher, silly moments, staying at my place till the night, having fun. She was the first woman in my life that I was enjoying those things in a more constant way, we spoke many days a week, spent a lot of days together, for the music, but it was more notorious it was something more, as she ain't the kind of person staying late in someone's place for nothing, but I didn't want to think too much, I wanted to enjoy the experience as much as I could, the sentiment of building a great connection, of watching that woman play her bass, telling me her stories, her battles, her poems, I was developing love. But I deeply fear it, not just because of the musical bond, because for the life experience, me having very little, and her having a lot of it, maybe too much. A 2 year gap, but feels like a 6 year gap, a woman that has to go and move, and that wants to have fun, even with all of the ******** of life, and a man that still trying to find what we wants to do, and try to live as good as he can as he's finally opening himself to the world, in many ways. But I never thought that I could provide for her what she wants, so that thin line kept things in check.

Until one day, after one rehersal, she suggested to go to a event downtown, the two of us, to have fun, and see where the night might take us... That was the first night I ever went "uno a uno" with a woman in my life, so things were getting a bit tense, but it was mostly fun, until we went to a pub to see a band play, and the ambience, the alcohol, and the weed(cause we have eaten a pizza with weed), caused me an anxiety attack, which I had her in front of me and I couldn't kiss her, or cuddle her, nothing, my legs were shaking, didn't feel that kind of anxiety in a while, it was very powerful that made her very unconfortable and went out the pub to breathe, and unfortunately, that killed the mood completely and I became paralized, ending the night in a bad note I guess, and after the next day, after going to her place to bring her back her bass that the left in my place, she thanked me for bringing her the bass and we gave an awkward hug, which was the last day we trully enjoyed our company.

Since then, we stopped talking, only when necessary, and also we stopped rehearsing, seems like it all started to fade, members were always busy, and some days, we did some excuses to not rehearse, and in one day, a common friend told me that she was with someone at a bar, and that made me explode, since then, like a couple of weeks is that we didn't see each other, nor did we talked anymore, except for a brief christmas message, then nothing, not even opinions for songs for the band, and so we are now here.

I can say that I am very responsible for again, letting my fears to sabotage a great relationship, which could have a lot of love and growth, to again, be halted by my inner insecurities of not being good enough, not being worthy, and so, I'm trying now to think for my life more, starting to do things for myself, trying to work on myself and my lifeplans, slowly, but it's a start. Just to keep me emotionally stable, that I became a mess in these past 2 weeks.

But, I don't want this to fade away in this way, it's very painful, and sad to make this great thing just dissappear, drifting, in the hardest of ways, so with the changes that I'm alredy thinking in my life, I'll try to change the way I made this relationtship, not to make it into a romantic one, but, to make a difference, to change the way I deal with these troubles I create myself for nothing, and not sabotage it, because I see this as a long term friendship/partnership, maybe later in the future, when I'm more mature and ready I'll try it again, or maybe soon, I don't know.

I can call her a soulmate, she's one of the most important souls I've ever met, and it's time for me to make this kind of relationship to grow, not just for love, for growing up, as a man, as a friend, as a musical partner, and as a lover, in some ways.

It's hard for now, as I had recently a tarot reading from ennelike saying that our future seems unpredictable, with a lot of ups, downs and tension (reversed cards of: wheel of fortune, 2 of pents, 5 of wands and the moon), but I'll make the effort, to make a difference in my life, for the better.

I've never exposed myself for a romance before, this is quite a thing indeed.

posted December 26, 2015 03:18 PM            

The Composite

And the Natals

Edit: I erased the pictures, it was a very bad idea, I'm very sorry, It was very wrong to do it

posted December 26, 2015 05:43 PM            

And look at thaaaaaaaaaaaat;

Her Sun/Moon midpoint; 7'54 Cancer.
His Sun/Moon midpoint; 7'47 Cap.

Her Sun in a 137 deg angle to his Moon.
His Moon in a 137 deg angle to her moon.

OK, but this doesn't automatically mean both people will have a relationship. It just means there's a very strong (equal) vibe in between their natures drawing them together.

For longterm relationship potential (in whatever form I would almost say) the progressed synastry can give us some more insight.

posted December 26, 2015 08:30 PM            

Namely, looking at their progressed Composite Sun/Moon midpoint we see it currently at exactly 8'00 CANCER. (the result of prog compo Sun at 11'10 Libra and prog compo Moon at 4'50 Aries).

While.. their NATAL composite Sun/Moon midpoint is at 7'50 Cancer!

Furthermore, it's interesting to see that his prog Moon 5 months ago was exactly opposite her natal Sun. Around that time her prog Moon opposite his prog Sun also.

The progressed Sun/Moon level is usually a temporarily focussed area.

The more longterm significators are clearly less-to-not promising;

His pVenus in an applying square to her pSun (takes about 15 years to become exact). As the one I really would NOT like to see in a progressed synastry. Sun/Venus squares have a separating effect in most cases. Sometimes against ones will.

Her pVenus in applying square to his pMars, by '45.

His pVenus in applying square to her nVenus, by 1'13 and to her nMars by 7 deg.

The only positive we find in his pVenus trine her nSun by 8 deg appl. currently (tangible in about 6 years) MIGHT be a bit of a temporary upswing after which the pSun/pVenus square will take its separating course again, which is then already applying by less than 2 deg. And let's not forget the exact pVenus/nMars square at that time.

posted December 27, 2015 09:36 AM            

October 3rd, when we first rehearsed, lots of sparks, but I choked when we were dancing.

And November 28, the day we had our "date", lots of good things but then got my anxiety attack in the middle of the night and it was powerful enough that that was the last straw for her, since then it went downhill.

And it seems it's all over now, as I had a dream last night that she halted me to come close to her, so I feel it's the end of it for now. Or not (?).