posted July 18, 2018 11:25 PM
One advantage of being older, is that you've made PLENTY of mistakes in life. I have felt the kinds of things you are saying ...
quote:
.. constant nit picking and finding problems in situations that require an optimistic light hearted approach. Dwelling on past situations that sting and burn and realization that some things can’t be fixed no matter how hard I try.
..
I’ve been called damaged by the wrong people who didn’t understand my nature.
To some I could just as easily be seen as calculated and structured
ughhhhh. I remember how that feels, DS. 
Whether or not anything is 'true' or untrue, you'll have to own ALL of it, AND, none of it. You need to do some energetic re-sets. 
It's going to take you going privately down INTO both energies of guilt-and-blame, and the renewal of a state of grace -- the innocence, liberty, and refreshment of your soul.
Thing though is that we have Grace available, but also have our own price to pay for mistakes of the past.. Sometimes it is actions we did unknowingly.
For that, we owe it to our self to forgive ourselves. It was not 'intentional'..? And, we can't help it that we live in a world WITH other people, and really, it's hard to live your life without stepping on other people's toes. And you CAN'T live your whole life walking on eggshells either. Forgiveness is DUE on *their* part towards 'you' too.
Each person can feel offended.
Each person has a duty to forgive?
And THAT can be soooo hard to do, in some kinds of cases and situations.
Especially if it comes down to others who cause loss of life, or loss of quality of life.
Amazing that we survive! *Heart*
May you be Protected from the predators in this world.
*~
First of all-- Congratulate yourself for being sooo Honest and transparent. You have enough of an awareness to be conscious that this is happening. {Good work! *thumbsup*}
At this time,
seems that you have some feral streams, like live-wires of energies, snaking around your self? .. Like a hose (or hoses) that the firefighters can quite catch hold of yet??? {image I got}
*spoiler alert* ..
You're going to be alright..
Sometimes it takes a while?
But KNOW in a hopeful and positive potential note, that ALL this that is bothering you right now, will and can all come into a good and working order for you some day--
Everything you're going through and learning to do {within yourself}, will and has the potential to come into a good balance that will SERVE you, and be part of your Purpose some day.
Persevere … *Heart*
The stinging and burning is a 'sense of guilt'. And THAT can be a good thing. It's a sign that you recognize it (unconsciously?), and when you sense that, you CAN turn your experience into something Useful for your advancement.
AND!!! It doesn't even NEED to be 'your fault.' I UNDERSTAND being 'blamed' for things that you did NOT do!!! LOL
{my mother blamed me for everything that went wrong in HER life, and claimed the 'credit' of good things I did as 'though' she was worthy because 'she raised me up right??'
.. NO. It was because *I* was a "naturally" good kid.}
The following that I have to say, are some ways to reframe, and to deal with that, okay? **hug**
{{{You Are Loved! *Heart*}}}
These are some of the ways to handle things--
whether you "did wrong" or not!! *smile*
Through years of emotional abuse, these are some of the ways I handled myself-- even if imperfect.
Maybe later, other people can add the way *they* handled it??
*mountain1*
'Sit' with it...
You can't 'do' anything about it?
It was from something you did a while back …
You'll have to process it somehow.
Would be good to have a face-to-face and apologize to the one(s) who felt the offense.
Just plain-old apologize, don't argue back??? LOL
Own it.
Take "The High Road"?? *bheart*
See if there's a way to make reparations to them?
If you can't do that... (or they are not accepting), then try another route.
This is for YOU, and YOUR Healing... okay? {{bheart}}
Is there any kind of humble reparation you could think to do that could take that guiltiness (your body feels in the stings)..
and "offer the energy, in your action" in a directed way to dissipate it??
Can funnel it through doing some kind of 'act' for someone else's behalf... "making up for the wrong"? -- whether or not it "belongs" to you?
In a way DS, it might be a really good inner exercise for you to 'just go ahead' and gently accept and let there be an owning' of what happened. Not to do you harm, but for Good.
Sit with hands open, in your lap, or stand up, lifting your hands, your arms UP..
Present whatever burden you feel, like letting someone peel a long-sleeved t-shirt from off your self.
Hold it like energy balls in your hands... Let it be taken ..
Let there be a big gushing and pouring down of light upon you!
Allow all those guilts, all the stings, be removed for you. Just 'be' and let the water-light wash it from you...…….
Gentle. Oh so Gentle.
You CAN have Forgiveness....
It's Okay!!
Yes it happened. You can't change that...
AND, you Deserve for that 'inside' of you to get redemption.
You feel sorry for what you did..
Lift it UP, and LET it 'Go' ….
It's okay...
Put your hand gently on top of your head.
Feel the warmth, the touch on your scalp.
Be steadied...
Feel protected.
Feel quieted inside.
From time to time, the shadow of this could come back.
Like an onion layer, let it lift off.
OWN the fact that you are forgiven.
EVEN if everyone around you is still critical.
EVEN if a voice of the past accuses.. whether from a person outside of you, or inside your head.
…. Put your hand back up on top of your head.
You don't need to pay attention to that anymore.
You have a Covering and Shield 
Cultivate a sense of forgiveness inside you.
Accept that feeling that you did wrong ..
AND at the same time, know that you are still forgiven...
Make an Act of reparations for it--
If you don't want to do it for the persons involved??,
then,
do your energetic repairs in a symbolic Action of doing something for others.
Suggestions to give you ideas--
Giving away an offering of an amount of money to someone, something, in an amount that is sacrificial to you?
Clean someone's floor {some busy moms of toddlers might appreciate that?}
Take a push-broom and go sweep down a driveway for someone-- clear the debris off a senior's yard for her.
Donate time at a soup kitchen, clean tables;
hold space while you're doing this that you are satisfying whatever kind of self-punishment you incurred.
Participate in a ritual of release ..
for example,
Maybe? go to a community drum-circle ceremony for working with the energies of the next eclipse?
Allow the eclipse to scrub-release, expunge your record-- 'take it out of your life'.. BE Forgiven.
Pray for people. Sit at a park, and think about the individual people there, and pray/intend 'good things' for their lives.
Go touch or hug a tree …
let whatever energies inside you 'release' into the tree and be taken down into the ground roots to act as fertilizer in the ground.
.. Let the foliage above you 'be' a sense-covering of Care over your life.. Alive, breathing in the life that the leaves are joyed to add to the atmosphere...
You are a Child of the Universe.
A Child of God ..
You have the Right To Be Here.
And it's Okay to Make Mistakes …
We learn from them.
It's how you Grow.
{{{Take Care}}}
And if no one understands your nature?..
Then (softly, lovingly) YOU understand your nature.
Be okay that others might see you as 'imperfect'.
Take it all as a gentle gentle act of humility.
Time will pass …
Things will turn to your favor some time, once more.
*mountain1*
(music) Praying (Kesha, lyrics) [3:59] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLR3Gqz5PEs
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Lindaland
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'Be gentle like a River' 