posted August 10, 2003 12:10 AM         

Is it me, or has it gotten really big?

Two services were at funeral homes, one was held at a church.

At the first funeral home, a guy in a polyreligious multi-purpose robe met with the family two hours beforehand to comfort them, learn the deceased's name, and ask a few questions about his life. Later when everyone had gathered in the tastefully decorated all-faith chapel (jewish and christian and native and shinto plaques and banners everywhere, with sayings from each faith), he gave a very Jesusy/isn't-it-time-to-come-back-to-the-Church sermon, with a few mentions of the deceased thrown in. No one knew whether he was a priest or minister or what. He wore no catholic collar. He disappeared after the lecture (which was more of an admonishment than comfort). Later there was a reception and refreshments in a room down the hall. As we were family (my partner's stepdad had passed away) we left the chapel almost last. I ducked back toward the chapel to check something, and saw the funeral complex staff already stripping the flowers and displays down, before the grieving kids had quite left the space. I guess it wasn't the deluxe funeral plan.

The second funeral was held at a church, and while it was meant to be just a memorial service and therefore more casual, a church employee (a deacon or 2nd minister for all I knew), who announced each part of the service, paraded up and down the whole time during the deceased relatives' speeches, as well as the minster's, and this while wearing a t-shirt and scruffy jeans. There were speeches, singing, hymns, and instrumental music, plus the deceased's picture was projected up on an enormous screen the whole time; it made him look like some kind of saint, watching over us. At least it was friendly, if a bit circus-like, and refeshments were served at the back of the church afterward, behind the pews actually. It was very down-to-earth. This was a service to honour a pal's father.

The third was recent, and very posh, held at one of the city's most famous cemetaries, on the hill. My friend had been cremated, and we were packed into the smallish, intimate chapel -- it was standing room only -- and later refreshments were served in a grand room with a view down the hill. Her adult kids, ex-husband and friends read eulogies and tributes -- no religious person in sight. It was touching, lovely, but... I have to wonder how much it cost, in such a beautifully-kept old fieldstone building with its state of the art air condiioning system, and marble interiors.

Any thoughts on the Death, Inc., big business? Or is it just me?

posted August 10, 2003 07:11 AM         

I very rarely attend funerals. They are too, too depressing, and not only because of the loss of a loved one.

A guy I knew in school became a funeral director because...and I quote..."You can't ask for better job security."!!

There is a huge legal battle in my hometown at present. It seems an enterprising young man made a deal to buy caskets directly from the manufacturer. He then set up shop to sell directly to the public. At greatly discounted prices.
The area funeral home board immediately asked a judge for an order to stop him. The reasoning was... if the public became aware of how cheaply they could purchase coffins, it would put a huge dent in the funeral homes' profits! Really!!

I kNOW they offer a needed service (for NOW), but it seems more than a little sick to want to make as much money as possible from a family's loss.

Another reason to be immortal!

posted August 11, 2003 06:23 AM         

i agree with you. its awful whats going on in the 'death' business. reminds me id better get MY wishes down somewhere so that i dont end up with some undignified religious service. that is most unlike me, on both counts. i am not a christian in life, so i dont want to be sent off with that religion plastered throughout my funeral. i actually dont even care on one hand cause no one would go anyway but if i manage to actually have people show up, i dont want their last experience with me to be filled with religious stuff. nuh uh.

the last funeral i went to was for my dads best friend of 40 years, he was more like family. he never went to church, i dont know what he believed, but i personally thought he would be horrified if he had of heard all the scripture and preaching that went on. some people are just not like that. yet we live in a country where religion and state are not separated, so its what goes. i find it disrespectful, i mean at this funeral they were practically evangelizing. remind us that life is short so wed better come back to god. i mean really! thats my own business tyvm. the sad thing too is that the fellow killed himself, and most religions dont believe you go to heaven if you do that.

i dont know. i find a distaste in my mouth for most public events, for many different reasons.

~abstractifaery

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where i end and you begin there's a gap in between there's a gap where we meet where i end and you begin
and i'm sorry for us the dinosaurs roam the earth the sky turns green where i end and you begin

posted August 11, 2003 06:26 AM         

she threw in a corinthians verse. effing... *(^&*&%^*&%)((&^&*^. sorry for the rudeness, but it was OUR day and she knew damn well we didnt want any bible crap in our VOWS. it was blatantly disrespectful and honestly? it took away from our day to a huge degree.

ugh im sorry, ive become quite ugly in this thread

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where i end and you begin there's a gap in between there's a gap where we meet where i end and you begin
and i'm sorry for us the dinosaurs roam the earth the sky turns green where i end and you begin

posted August 14, 2003 02:08 PM         

Actually, what I don't get is why people are still choosing to be buried in A) graveyards, B) horizontally, as if they are merely going for a long sleep. Why do we pretend that a corpse is "sleeping", to the extent that we give them a comfy cushy casket made of expensive woods and brass, and bury them horizontally? In some places, vertical burial is used, and also the practice of burying two caskets on top of each other... double depth, I think I've heard it called.

While I see good reasons for current cemetaries to be preserved, the waste of money and resources to effect a casket burial are staggering.

I guess many people are still psychologically addicted to denial of physical death when it occurs. Oddly, it's a notion that goes back to the Egyptians and beyond, that a corpse is just 'at rest'.

My partner, a Gem, says he wants to be cremated in a big paper bag. I told him he better put that down in writing, as if it happens "they" will think I've gone nuts with the grief!

Lunargirl

posted August 14, 2003 03:10 PM         

P.S. I hope that doesn't sound too weird.

posted August 15, 2003 01:06 AM         

We must never leave out the human truths of hope, love, and grief. Thanks for the reminder, before we got too far in examining only the business side.

BTW thanks ana for the condolences. They say things come in threes -- well I think I've had my quota.

OK, I think the Death Business is too expensive, and while there is compassion possible (here's one nice thing -- in recent years, many funeral complexes and cemetaries have provided grief counselors ). Many years ago when my partner's dad died, he was executor and had to choose a funeral package. His dad was being cremated, and apparently a coffin of some kind is necessary, although the funeral parlour only cremates part of it -- I gather that frequently the top is only for show if there is a service or showing, then the top is removed and recycled for other funerals while only the bottom is burned. Anyhow, he was kind of dazed, and his brother was there with him. Apparently he decided on the next-to-cheapest casket (he's a practical lad, and I don't think his dad left much money). His brother told him later that when he told the funeral parlour salesman his choice, the guy came out with something like, "well, that would almost be like putting him in a cardboard box, don't you think?"

Luckily the remark didn't register, or my Gem would definitely have had some retort!!! Imagine.

posted August 15, 2003 11:54 AM         

I recently started a payment plan to a Catholic Cemetary, for a burial plot and headstone for my mom. They are charging a 3% financing fee for 5 years, using electronic automatic monthly deductions from my bank account.

My mom and I haven't talked about a casket yet. I know those can run into the thousands.

Everybody has different preferences I guess. My mom feels more secure this way.

posted August 15, 2003 12:04 PM         

My wish is ashes to ashs, dust to dust. Cremation and the remains spread on my flower beds for fertilizer. That way I can continue being productive after my soul has moved on to the lighter side.

Each to his/her own

posted August 16, 2003 10:44 AM         

If I were to die(not going to but, just for arguments sake)

I would like to be buried, vertically, with my belly button down burried, and my top half sticking out.

From a purely recycling point of view I find this fair. I would share

equally with the ground and the air.

Sure a cemetary filled with people buried like this may be a unpleasant site, and may smell a bit, but in time it may work. (May also promote immortality a bit more).

It always seems to me burying in coffins really puts a kink in the recycling process of nature, all these bodies out there, not go back into the nautral order of things, can't be too good.

Ok, now that I have grossed everyone out, I have to go have breakfast.

posted August 18, 2003 03:43 PM           

Or failing that shot into the sun.

posted August 18, 2003 03:47 PM         

(oh wait on second thought my last girlfriend who dumped me was a leo, and i already did that)

I guess, I would like to take a lethal dosage of LSD.

posted August 18, 2003 11:12 PM         

Wow, now _that's_ alternative! Although Matty, your solution might be hard on visiting days. Maybe a nice rock cairn or compost heap, to cover up?

Speaking of... here's a rather cool yet still quite costly idea for burial coverings and urns made of paper. http://www.ecopod.co.uk/home.asp

posted August 26, 2003 02:33 AM         

I still believe a lot along the lines of what Matty thinks..

but, I'd rather have my corpse fed to vultures. See, since they don't eat things unless if they're dead or on the brink of death, they won't attack humans whereas if you feed a lion human, they'll gain a taste for humans.

posted September 09, 2003 03:18 PM         

I tried to be objective with the service and watch and see how it is a healing for family. You hear such statements as 'she`s so beautiful' to 'she`s sleeping'. What? She was ravaged by cancer and looks it. Then I realized what it was all about. They were projecting their memory of her and actually not seeing the body as it is . The kinship & comments held it together until I was almost seeing her as she was before.

The bill for this affair is in the thousands. While I still don`t see the need, I did see the need for the family and it did seem to bring a healing peace. I conclude it must be the ritual, family gathering in one place and their devotion to God.

Still not my idea of a send off, but I came away with a greater understanding for these types of services. Yet, I still abhor the waste of good land for it

Aphrodite is very wise in setting up a prearranged payment plan because the cost is so enormous and could feed the animal shelter for a couple of years.

Just rambling here,

posted September 09, 2003 06:32 PM         

{{{ hug }}}

What marvelous insight into the way people "project" memory, re-creating their loved one's life. Thank you for that!

Recently I encountered the onion that unlike this funeral you attended, that most funerals and viewings are so short these days, that adequate grieving may not take place, and that those left behind may not properly release the departing spirit.

Yet another reason to prepare some ritual of togetherness, grieving and remembrance for the families.