posted September 04, 2003 01:32 PM         

All of you are in our thoughts -- including the newly christened Mr. Russell, who gets a big cheer for speaking from his heart while using his head.

Pregnancy is an unruly, unpredictable state. It teaches lessons that nothing else in life could possibly get across, as everything about birth is a mystery.

posted September 05, 2003 08:00 PM           

The ultrasound indicates that the fetus is at about 4 weeks of development, counting from the first day of my last period.
It's about 2-3 weeks behind schedule, so it's either dead due to any number of reasons or about to be, most likely because there's a nutrient chokepoint.

I just feel worn out.
I've been in pain, lethargic, and touchy all at the same time. I'm tired of this, and I hate to think of what Jason's going through between what's been happening and my physical state. I hate to think that I'm hurting him, and so I've just been shutting down. Just the thought of that cuts me, wounds my heart. Why does this have to involve me hurting him? I've been trying my best not to, but just the fact that I've been "not myself" pains him, even as he says that he understands and that this "comes with the territory".

posted September 05, 2003 11:09 PM         

Anyway, you can keep trying. (maybe get the wedding out of the way first, though...just a suggestion )

posted September 05, 2003 11:30 PM         

im so sorry

i... sort of knew, but i couldnt say anything. i hope you understand.

take care of yourself corri, and dont blame yourself. it happens often, it really does.

nothing you did caused this. dont feel guilty.

much love and i will be back to respond to my thread as soon as i am emotionally able. in the meantime, lets all have some b+j. might need a few more gallons tho, its been a rough rough day on my end too.

------------------
where i end and you begin there's a gap in between there's a gap where we meet where i end and you begin
and i'm sorry for us the dinosaurs roam the earth the sky turns green where i end and you begin

posted September 06, 2003 06:01 PM         

Pregnancy is complex, sweetie, and please never, never blame your own body. Your body is a home to you, a haven to Jason, and home now, or later, or someday, to a fetus... your story is not over yet. The story of Corri and Jason has just begun. I'm sure you've heard so many times, how frequently women get pregnant for a week or two, and don't even know it, because they get a period.

You and Jason have met and have come to love one another -- then you found unexpectedly that you could make room to love another, too. Please, when you can, try to remember that the miracle is always, perpetually, Love -- and that if you believe in this power, then it will carve your lives into an act of faith and beauty.

Meantime, it will take some time for the hormones to work themselves out. That's just the body's way.

You know you have shoulders here a'plenty. Keep talking to us, if you can't speak the words out loud yet.

posted September 06, 2003 06:06 PM         

Just remember that life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

I read an antecdote somewhere about a mother speaking with her 4 year old daughter in the car one day. Virtually out of the blue, the daughter started talking about "the time before when I had to go away for awhile". She talked about the time "earlier..when I wasn't here with you and Daddy" and when she "had to go away for awhile and come back later when you and Daddy were ready for me." The mother was shocked.. It seemed to her that her daughter was describing what had happened shortly after her and her husband married; when they were both in school and woefully unprepared financially for a child, she had become pregnant and miscarried. The experience was painful and heartbreaking for them and they were ecstatic when they became pregnant years later and had their daughter.
When the mother questioned her daughter more about it she couldn't get her to speak of it again. It was an odd experience that had a numinous quality to it that caused the mother to feel her daughter was indeed communicating something from a deep level.

posted September 08, 2003 08:44 AM           

I forgot to say for your offer of help.
I got so caught up in what was happening that I neglected to recognize your extreme kindness and all-around grooviness.

posted September 08, 2003 08:46 AM           

Today after work and (hopefully) before my first class, we're going back up to the hospital for a blood test.

posted September 08, 2003 11:35 AM         

And no thanks are needed. You have been through a lot, I'm sure it's been draining emotionally physically and mentally. And, the offer stands. If you are ever in dire straights and need to seek medical attention, I will help you however I can.

posted September 28, 2003 04:07 PM           

the newly minted Mrs. Patrick beams

posted September 28, 2003 04:27 PM         

*Sniff sniff buhuhhhhhh huhhh huhhh....tears of happyhappyjoyjoy*