posted September 06, 2003 05:25 PM         

$20 dollar bill

A well-known speaker started off his seminar by
holding up a $20.00bill. In the room of 200, he asked,
who would like this $20 bill? Hands started going up.
He said, I am going to give this $20 to one of you but
first, let me do this. He proceeded to crumple the $20
dollar bill up. He then asked, Who still wants it?
Still the hands were up in the air.
Well, he replied, What if I do this. And he dropped it
on the ground and started to grind it into the floor
with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled, and
dirty. Now who still wants it? Still the hands went
into the air.

My friends, we have all learned a very valuable
lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still
wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was
still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are
dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the
decisions we make and the circumstances that come our
way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter
what has happened or what will happen, you will never
lose your value.

Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are
still priceless to those who love you. The worth of
our lives comes not in what we do or whom we know, but
by WHO WE ARE.

You are special - Don't EVER forget it. If you do not
pass this on, you may never know the lives it touches
the hurting hearts it speaks to, or the hope that it
can bring. Count your blessings, not your problems.
Never be afraid to try something new.

posted September 06, 2003 06:51 PM         

your god-mother feary

posted September 06, 2003 07:03 PM         

I wasn't trying to "ruin" your post. Did you not see that I said I hoped you'd cheer up?

I can understand that you are going through tough times. I am sorry for that.

posted September 06, 2003 07:34 PM         

anyway gah... i want so badly to respond to all of you, and this little kittyfight has interrupted things. i am going to wait till night when it is peaceful outside, theres things going on outside my building right now and its noisy and horrible and i cant concentrate much less speak clearly.

anyway sorry oxy, but you really hit me in a sore spot. lets let this go now. i think we both understand where we were both 'at'.

i miss the faery but shes just sleeping.

*big hug in return, a group hug would be nice too* in fact, here we go

i am starting to calm down a little, had a good cry, talked to my husband, and also andy was invaluable to me as he usually is.

*breathes*

------------------
where i end and you begin there's a gap in between there's a gap where we meet where i end and you begin
and i'm sorry for us the dinosaurs roam the earth the sky turns green where i end and you begin

posted September 07, 2003 10:08 AM         

I just wanted to come back and say that I realised the things that I said in my first post in this thread might have been 'wrongish', might have been coming accross inconsidered.
How do I 'know' that I completely understand you Ana? I don't know. I don't even know what's going on with you. These are just the weirdest times that I have been through and I am sorry that of the way I might 'sounded'. Sometimes it feels I am exploding and loosing my mind (I will explain this in Universal Codes). Just wanted to make clear Ana, that my post could have been all about me and a sort of projection of what I am in myself. There might be a whole bunch of concrete matters happening to you. And here I am blabbing about how great I understand you and all...Pooh. Maybe a feeling overwhelmed me of how I DO understand you, that it has happened unconsciously. Still Ana, whatever it is you are coping with. Know that I am behind you and of course there is lot's of great support all around. At least in this community!
Hurray for that! I just needed to be clear about how I felt towards you and about my own post.

posted September 07, 2003 11:35 AM         

Anafaery, you started your post with if anyone cares... The loving lite of knowflakes came out shining and showed you they cared I feel blessed to be part of a community where you can call on the love here to help one thru the dark nights.

Perhaps because I`m an Aquarian like Oxy or perhaps I simply understand heartwise, what she was saying. Your lite has been recognized by knowflakes and they give you their love and prayers to aid you in this time of trouble. You keep alluding to your troubles, yet beat around the bush to help give us insight. You`ve been given wonderful advice and encouragement. How can we help more?

It is heartbreaking that you feel the need to rise in anger and ask someone to leave you the hell alone . It stabbed my heart and perhaps others too.

We k-now the state of Proxs pain and grieve for her as you do. Your pain and hers may be comparable, but they are seperate personal emotions and should be lovingly attended to in a like seperate manner. If you were to tell me you hurt, I wouldn`t add to your burden by telling you my hurts. Thats just me Ana, right or wrong, and why I understand Oxy. Your right, it`s not a competition but a sad state of affairs where intense emotions overrides wisdom. It seems to be a very difficult time for most knowflakes and as a community, we must be wise and supportive; tread gently with love and empathy.

I wish you the strenght and wisdom to to overcome your trials. You have so many to help you Count your blessings and focus on them!

juniperb

posted September 07, 2003 01:07 PM         

juniperb, sylven!

We must remember that in this forum, we have only words and smilies to express our whole selves... and so that's why everybody pays close attention to what is aid, how it's said, and the 'intent' behind it... and points out when we have been precise,a nd when we have not.

posted September 07, 2003 01:34 PM         

*decided to stay out of it*

*sorry*

posted September 07, 2003 05:28 PM         

juniperb You continue to amaze me with your insights and kind, compassionate nature that offers comfort and solace to others. You always seem to find the right things to say, and the best way to say them.

We here are a communion of souls, who want to walk a higher path. "We're one but we're not the same, we get to carry each other..." It is indeed a trying time for many of us...and as all things, this too will pass. I wish you all love and if I can be of help to anyone, please let me know what I can do for you.

namaste

posted September 08, 2003 12:44 AM         

wow, so many things to respond to, and half of them are off track and this thread has turned from a very sincere plea for compassion and support and friendship into something resembling a 'let's judge this persons actions and side with someone' sort of thing. for the record, and ill put this to rest after this post cause im tired of this, i am finished my disagreement with oxy, we have set this issue to rest. or so i thought.

lets have a little honesty now.

to reiterate, i didnt say anything in my opinion and of many others that was disrespectful to corri. i consider corri a dear friend, and when i commented in her thread all i said was 'ive had a rough day too' because i had said we might need a few more gallons of ben and jerrys ice cream, which was in reference to her comment here. proxi had said in this thread that she was having a bad time, so wed throw ourselves a sulk party with the ice cream. i went to her thread to see what was going on, saw the news, and i was commiserating with her (see the definition of sympathy down there please), as both of us are hurting right now. yes for different reasons, but who is anyone here to judge my comments to her? thats best left up to her. was it really so evil of me to state as an afterthought in her thread that i was going through a rough time too? that wasnt meant to denegrate her pain, that was me affirming my sisterhood with her for petes sake, and if you see fault in that i really think its more that you see fault in me and would jump on any opportunity to take me to task. i am not surprised by the source either. i have been nice to you oxy, but i daresay my friendship with a certain other person around here probably puts me at odds with you. i have tried to leave it off the board. i dont seek you out, all i do is respond to your direct comments to me and in as neutral a fashion as i can. i dont think a friendship between us is something that will happen and i dont dislike you or anything, im quite neutral. the fact of the matter is though, is that i am very good friends with someone you have problems with, and im not going to complicate matters by pursuing a friendship with you, im sorry, but thats just common sense.

juni, you are a different matter, but i have felt for some time that you feel a need to criticise things ive said, i get the feeling that you really dont approve of me, ive had that feeling for awhile and often it seems like i cant say anything without you jumping in and chastising me. its a pity, because i really wanted to be friends with you, i think you are a very neat lady. like one of the first posts i made here, i thought how wonderful it would be to sit and have a visit with you in front of a crackling fireplace with a drink and some soft music (not the marching band type) in a nice cabin in the woods, relax and have some great conversation! as time has passed though, you seem to really disapprove of me as a person, and im just saying thats what ive been feeling. perhaps it is a factor of your virgo moon. i dont know, and i dont care either way, theres just obviously some incompatiblity between us and i dont really bother with that, you are a nice person and i think you are neato, but honestly i am not out sticking myself in your business, and i would ask that you would give me the same courtesy. i cannot be as postive as you would like me to be, i am sorry but thats just not who i am. i am a realist. i am not trying to criticize who you are, you need to see things in a positive light and thats totally good. i cant deal with things in that way, and if our method clashes, lets just leave each other our own way because i cant change the way i deal with things. i am sorry my telling oxy to leave me alone was as a dagger through your heart, but i dont apologize for saying it as i was well within my rights. i suppose i could have said it in flowery positive language but honestly? i was SO DEEPLY HURT by her criticism and the fact that it was in a thread where i had JUST said i wanted to die and was looking for support, that my lightning strike aries moon took over. life is not a bed of roses for everyone on this earth juni, and much though i really appreciate who you are as a person cause i think you are pretty cool, please be a little more understanding of me, i honestly BEG of you to just lay off me a little bit. i cant take being here when i feel i am being judged for every word i utter. perhaps i dont belong here because i do have real problems that no amount of metaphysics or dear linda can fix, and as far as i knew this was a forum where it wasnt a big deal if that were the case.

you never seem to sympathise on my side. you immediately chose oxys side, did you even consider how *I* might have been feeling in this thread???? i thought i spelled it out quite nicely, and it seems to be lost in the translation.

the reason i joined this forum was because linda was a person (and i have seen this reiterated in posts by randall and others) that could accept that people are different, and believe different things. she was a strong advocate for people discovering their own truth. thats why i joined. i see now its a liability and seems like so much lip service.

so, im not surprised that those sort of comments would come from you two, and i would just like to say if you dont like me for whatever reason, I DONT CARE, just stop ignoring it, face up to it and lets get the passive agression out of the way, and leave me alone if you dislike/disapprove of me, i certainly dont push my ethics/beliefs on the two of you nor do i criticize you here, or ban me if i bring a cloud to the magic kingdom. people dont have to like everyone that comes here, different personalities etc clash sometimes, and honestly im not torn up if either of you dont like me. all i ask is that you let me be, because i do enjoy friendships with a few other people here and id like to post without having to face this every time. so lets finish this now, you leave me alone and ill be fine. thats actually why i havent been posting here, because i am sick of just being me and then ending up in situations like this very one we are going through now. honesty isnt a disease. it clears the air and lets people know where the boundaries are so that peaceful coexistance can reign. i dont bother either of you, so stop bothering me is what it boils down to. unless you want to force me to leave here, then have at it cause it wont take much more.

thats part of the reason why i havent felt 'safe' posting here, why i have been absent. i have been afraid of THIS VERY THING happening, and lo and behold. i took a chance, reached out because i am having a difficult time right now and thought there might be a couple of people that would sympathise. imagine my delight to see so many that do! i just wish that people who want to criticise me would stay out of a thread like this, it had NOTHING to do with anyone but myself. do you honestly think that coming into a thread where i have stated I WANT TO DIE and am having a tough time is the place to criticise me in the first place, then another person come to support that person? theres a time and a place folks, and this wasnt it. it was none of oxys business to begin with, and juni, much though i like you as a person it really bothers me when you always side against me and make me feel like DIRT when i all i was doing was being me. i am sorry that everyone doesnt live up to your standards but i am a realist and my feelings in this thread were very genuine.

i find it very telling too that you both talk about how much 'the knowflakes' care, yet neither of you said 'we knowflakes care'. those choices of words are soooooo telling, cause honestly i dont think you do care, and again its no skin off my back, i dont need either of you to care. all i ask is that if you dont care then stay out of a thread like this. you seem to devalue my feelings and jump to the defense of everyone else. dont jump to my defense, but leave me alone if your feelings arent genuine please. neither of you owned your 'caring' statements, neither of you included yourselves in your statements about how so many have been supportive. so thats what i mean by leaving me alone. look at what the two of you have done to this thread. i regret posting it, and now i have to waste precious emotional reserves with THIS ridiculous issue when i could be commenting to the other people in this thread that came here with good intentions and gave me support friendship and love. i still plan on doing that, but its apparent to me that this issue has to be faced, because to be honest, i cant even stomach loading this board knowing that theres so much passive agression around. this one little thread gave me so much joy and REALLY made me feel better. i feel that both of you have robbed me of that. now of course i will probably have others who dont understand where i am coming from and its a big us vs her thing, and they will take sides etc and i probably look like a fool now even though im being TRUTHFUL and i am so tired of these message board politics. i just thought LL would be different.

back to the issue at hand, would it have been better for me to say 'hey prox, you are having an awful time, but im wonderful and its really too bad you arent?'. i was SYMPATHIZING with corri. i suggest you refresh your memory with what sympathizing means.

sym·pa·thize ( P ) Pronunciation Key (smp-thz)
intr.v. sym·pa·thized, sym·pa·thiz·ing, sym·pa·thiz·es
1. To feel or express compassion, as for another's suffering; commiserate.
2. To share or understand the feelings or ideas of another: sympathized with the goals of the committee.
3. To be in accord; correspond.

so what would you have rather i did? i would kindly ask that if you dont have something to say that is in line with the topic of this thread, that you save it for somewhere else. i am readily approachable by email, especially to a moderator, so if i do something that displeases you or you feel you have to make a judgement of it, then feel free to email me or start another thread, you can gather wood and prepare a stake if you wish, but id rather it was in a different place so that this thread wasnt tarnished.

think about [u]this[/u] for a minute please. no, i have not told anyone my problems, and thats my right. do you have to know what my problems are to decide if they are worthy of your support? if thats the case, this thread is probably not one that you should be concerned with. insofar as oxy, she really didnt have a right to come into this thread which was obviously written by someone going through a very tough time, and accuse the person of being hurtful to someone else. i have said it a couple of times already, but you have NO IDEA how hard i am on myself when i feel i might have hurt a dear friends feelings. that to me is the worst thing that i could be accused of. i care deeply about my friends you see, and it is very hard for me to live with hurting anyone, but if they happen to be someone i care about, i TORTURE myself. so, here i am, asking for some support, i get an overwhelming response, some from people i had no idea i had touched (which gave me so much comfort, THANK YOU to those of you who commented, it did wonders), and out of the blue i get slapped for saying something in a TOTALLY different thread, involving someone who is a close friend.

i came to this thread, expecting to see some really nice people be kind to me, and that just was not what i needed to see. so yes, i exploded. aries moon, we feel things intensely but its a lightning strike, we move on quickly. you saw my lightning strike, and it wasnt unjustified. its over. now comes the tedium of having to deal with this being beaten like a dead horse, and i understand that people want to throw their two cents in, but really, is it necessary for anyone to drag this on?

could we please get back to the regularily scheduled topic?

i really wonder if you read what was said in my original post here. I WANT TO DIE. is that clear enough for you? i have some heavy problems in my life right now, and they are not my fault, although i am not averse to taking my responsiblity when it is my due, but im having to deal with a lot right now that was not created/brought on by me. i doubt id have the moxie to off myself, i have in the past and almost did die, but i have quite the survival streak in me. but yes, im finished here. oddly enough this thread helped to reinforce my feelings that there will never be a place in this world where people can just leave people be without pushing their own issues on them. all i asked for was a hug. that wasnt even respected, something SO simple couldnt even be respected. that doesnt really make me feel better.

if you must know, my problems are quite serious and many are financial in origin. my husband is working now, but we are so far behind that it will take a long time before he can start saving for the immigration fees. he works hard too. they are scheduled to cut off my hydro on wednesday, my phone is not long behind, i havent eaten properly in MONTHS, its been a long time since i bought underwear, or clothes, any of the things a lot of you might take for granted. my disability pension is sadly behind the times, and when all is said and done i have 150$ a month after the rent is paid for EVERYTHING. this rent is the lowest i could find, and i live in a noisy building where the cops should just about take up permanent residence here, they are here so often with spousal batterys and drugs. people do crack in this building. this building has a lot of mentally ill people in it, and they do things when they are ill like burn the carpets with their cigarettes, and this building will go up like tinder. i am in constant worry that i will be involved in a fire, it is one of my worst fears. if i came out with my life, it would be a horrible blow to lose my things, as it would be to anyone. moreso for me in some ways, as i have no insurance and cannot easily replace what i have having a very limited income, so before you tell me that other people would have it just as bad as me, save it cause yes thats true but many DONT.

i dont eat properly, because i cant afford to. i eat sandwiches. they are cost effective, they dont take cooking which keeps the power bill lower, and at least i get to eat some protein for my anaemia. meat and cheese has protein. vegetables? haha. yea, thats a special dinner that has vegs.

i am losing my hair because of the stress. i run my fingers through my hair and theres a small handful of hair there every time. its genetic and i have to worry about it because my mother was completely bald by my age. i have a skin condition thats worsening and i cant go to the doctor.

my cat is my priority, and he has to be fed first. that means sometimes i run out of toilet paper, and if a kind person doesnt give me any, well i have to make due. hands work wonders although its rather messy.

i havent bought myself any makeup, clothes, havent had my hair done in over a year (i cut it myself when it gets too long as i cant stand hair on my neck), i have to reuse the same RAZORS over and over again so often i just dont shave. whos gonna see anyway?

cant really afford laundry at 3 dollars a pop, so often it piles up until i have no linens etc left. luckily i dont use much, and occasionally a situation will arise where i can use someones machine. thats hardly dependable though and dirty old clothes smell.

buying books, music, clothing, the little lights that make life a joy? yea right. any interest that i might have that would contribute to my sense of identity is out of reach financially right now, so thats something thats going to have to wait. for instance i would very much like to start painting again, but i cant afford the paint. im not whining, but its hard to not have things to 'reinforce' who you are and what your talents might be, the things that make you special. i have to be content to just be a 'shell' right now (for ruby and loony, im sure thats an interesting sentence huh :/). all i have are words at this point and i am just very tired of words, another part of why i am not posting, as i need a break from SPEAKING. maybe its merc with his tricks, and his position is Rx like my natal position (i am merc in lib Rx natally) but i just need a break from talking, writing, etc. yes i know this is a long post and i REALLY didnt want to do it but i felt i must so that this feeling of oppression would perhaps cease. lesser of two evils. i want the feeling i get when i load LL to go away, so i have to sacrifice my silence to a degree cause its obviously needed at the moment.

its hell not being able to live with your love because of immigration fees. im married and its not a sham for him to get into the country, we love each other very much yet we have to go through extensive scrutiny and pay a small fortune to get him home. hes working so hard and we have a lot to catch up on, so paying immigration fees is a pipe dream at the moment. i am sick of being the nice juicy apple in the bunch that gets spoiled because of a few rogues.

family? oh yes, lets go there. lots of people have families that help them, lots dont, and i am one of the ones that dont. pardon my grammar. my family is comprised of some of the most ignorant selfish people i have ever met. on my fathers side i have said they are blatantly racist, they dont care about anyone but themselves, and believe me growing up with my particular parental units was hardly salad days. i could tell you stories of abuse that would leave you cold. how bout the time where my mother neglected me so badly, just sent me to my room for no reason for weeks on end, and i was starving for companionship and attention so badly that i pulled down a big dresser and squiggled under it, thumped my arm on the ground so it sounded like it had fallen on me, and screamed so my mother would actually ACKNOWLEDGE MY EXISTANCE and come running and maybe mother me a little. i was all of 5 years old when that happened. its a memory that persists to this day. or how bout the numerous times that she BROKE wooden spoons on my @ss beating me so hard? the old wooden spoons too, not the new kind that break like tinder. those suckers were very sturdy back then. is it any wonder that i had to cut my mother out of my life? and THATS just the tip of the iceberg, oh you dont even know what she put me through during teenage and young adult, like 'borrowing' my disability pension and never paying it back when i was just trying to help her out. my father is a whole other story ill save for another bedtime. hes a piece of work himself.

add to that the fact of being molested for many years by someone in the community, then being accosted by someone who followed me home from a bus when i was 19 who broke in and raped me all night and threatened to kill me, and you have a person who by all rights should be dead now. yes i am screwed up, now you know my problems (although my past is over and i have dealt with it quite well, although the ptsd doesnt allow me to run out there and get a job as easily as some can which is a pity) but overall i am a good person, although a complex one. i have a strong conscience, i like to help people whenever i can because i know how bad it hurts, and there are a lot of good things about me. it would be all to easy to ridicule me and think 'oh well no wonder shes effed up' but that isnt fair to me. all i ask for in this life is a little courtesy. im prepared to give a lot in return. most of the time i am a helpful good person but i am not perfect and this particular time is a hard one for me. i really didnt want to get into the whole story but to be taken seriously i suppose i have to. believe me, i am not dealing with a chipped nail here. i dare anyone to live a month in my shoes. i think probably many people wouldnt handle it with the amount of grace that i have managed to summon. i dont know though, and im not one to toot my own horn.

i am one to defend myself though. that youll have to suffer with cause i aint changing it for the world.

part of the reason i dont want to share my problems is because people are generally good people, and they want to help, and they will suggest options. i am fully aware of all my options, and i just do not have the strength right now to explain every detail. its a useless task for all involved. basically my only option is to either win the lottery, or hope that some good luck comes my way soon. it would be a very big headache for me to deal with very well meaning advice right now, i am just trying to protect myself from that. i hardly need more worries right now. in any event this might be my last post anyway for awhile, if the power doesnt get paid, lol. its nothing against anyone here either, i LOVE so many of you wonderful people, its just that ive been through it before and its tied me in knots to have to explain every facet of my situation. PLEASE just trust me when i say all i can do is sit and wait for a couple of factors to occur. just trust that i know my situation better than anyone. im living this life. i know you are all so kind and many want to help... all i need is your hugs right now. perhaps patience and understanding too, but even those arent as important.

my usual disclaimer, i am sorry for the poorly written and overly verbose post this was, i feel i wasnt very clear etc etc etc etc etc but im sorry, you are just going to have to take what you get in this case. this was very hard to write and so much i wanted to say hasnt been said, and i know that this is a large amount of words too but i just couldnt do this any other way. you shall have to accept me as imperfect.

posted September 08, 2003 03:39 AM         

ok, now what i WANTED to say. *breathes*

ruby, you are such a jewel... just like your name. knowing you and lunar and a couple of other rams (counting linda, we feel like we know her personally dont we? she was just such a wonderful open person) i have come to really adore you female rams. i love your spirit and tenderness, who says fire signs arent emotional? inspirational to be sure, but the rams ive known here have been so sensitive and caring. i take comfort in your and loonys lexis, and probably always will, you two have given me such a precious gift. i couldnt actually even think about it the past couple of days because i was very much hating myself for the powerlessness of my situation, but gradually i am letting that little moment of self loathing go because the things that have happened to me were not my fault, and i am beyond that. the capricorn moon moving to aqua seems to have helped. i dont know what personal point that particular moon hit, but it was a doozy. usually cap moons dont affect me so. this one did. im rambling, sorry :P

thank you

superbull, you are so sweet. i wish the same for you, but even moreso i hope you never have need, that your life is smooth and joyous. you are a joy to know, you are so caring and ready to jump in whenever anyone is suffering. nurture that gift my dear, its priceless. i also thank you for your support *hug*

lioneyes, i look forward to getting to know you better! it is so neat that you and lioneye68 have that neat little concordance thing going. reminds us how connected we all are, hey? i very much appreciate you and her, as you might know now if you read that long post of mine above i had a very abusive mother. she was a leo, and i told lioneye68 before that knowing her has helped me heal my mistrust of lady lionesses. i am not about judging people on any criteria besides their character, and you two give me much joy to know and have helped me deal with that factor of my life. i know that my mother was a highly afflicted leo, but i was still gun shy if you will. you guys are wonderful and i see so many of the benefits of the sign in both of you. much love from a silly little libra

i like your message too. its just so true.

andy you know how i feel and how much i appreciate you. *hugs*

sylven i am truly convinced you understand how i am feeling. we have a little kinship i think, i just really 'get' you i think, and never ever feel that you have to justify your feelings to me. you are another jewel and i hope that soon we both come out of this time unscathed. well, perhaps better people, because suffering does tend to make us stronger, right? i know how special you are and how much we need you on this earth. never lose faith dear heart. theres so few of us fey folk on this earth, we need to represent hee hee

many many hugs to you my dear.

------------------
where i end and you begin there's a gap in between there's a gap where we meet where i end and you begin
and i'm sorry for us the dinosaurs roam the earth the sky turns green where i end and you begin

posted September 08, 2003 03:40 AM         

juni it does tend to go that way doesnt it... on some level darkness must be experienced to make us appreciate the lighter times. its so hard somethings though, and everyone has their limits of what they can take. i just wish there was more light than dark, my life is not yin yang, it is horribly unbalanced. i hope that you have mostly sunny days ahead, all sunny days would be nice. namaste.

sweetpeas HUGS!!! i love your name, it takes me back to simpler times, where there was dew on the sweetpeas in the garden, and they were so fragrant. you are just as sweet as they are.

lioneye as in 68 *wink* yea, a lot of it is money issues. such as having the power due to be cut off on wednesday. that isnt all of it though, i mean, its hard for me to find work with my certain problems, the ptsd and all. a lot of whats got me down (and i AM a very positive person for the most part, i do like to be optimistic but i do have limits) is not so much not having money right now, but actually the fact that the way society is set up, theres not a lot of hope for people like me. we are expected to conform, and if you have any sort of 'issue' it makes it harder to obtain employment that might be suitable. i know i have a lot of skills i could share with a company, but productivity is the bottom line and they arent willing to take a risk of having someone like me who might have a problem once in awhile. i could just not mention my issues but they would come up, id have an anxiety attack some time, it would all come out and its not worth it. its happened before. i lost a job i had once, a good job in marketing, and i had a nervous breakdown at work because i am more sensitive than most to all sorts of things, and that was enough to get my fired. its a complicated issue, at least my husband *is* working now, but i have been using his job as my light at the end of the tunnel, and it crashed down the other day due to some financial difficulties hes having. i wont get into it as its a convoluted story, but it became apparent that barring a miracle, he wouldnt be able to send me any money this week as i had hoped. that money i had counted on was to stave off the hydro people, and let me catch up a little bit on my telus. as long as you pay *something* they will usually leave you be, but ive been 'robbing peter to pay paul' for so long now, that its all coming crashing down like a house of cards. phew.

you are right, vancouver is horrendous to live. i am in langley, its about 40 min drive away, but its still bad. this *used* to be the cheapest part of the lower mainland, but with vancouvers growth its pushed everyone back into the suburbs and now even houses/apts in CHILLIWACK are pricey. dunno if you know chilliwack, but it was an outpost up until a couple years ago. anyway, now its just as expensive here as white rock. its hard for me to break away from here for various legitimate reasons too, but rest assured as soon as we can, we are heading for the interior. its much nicer there anyway.

i do want to go to school but theres a few things that have to be settled first. *crosses fingers* btw *hugs*

dean your comments were totally unexpected and they are precious to me, because ive long admired you, i just think you are a very cool individual. i had no idea that my posts were so appreciated! honestly, im dumbstruck. i am tickled pink that you have enjoyed what ive had to say. that makes me feel very good. its returned too. i have loved your posts and only wish you were here more. i think we have a lot in common being both airs, theres an affinity i feel for you in certain ways. gah, mercury always makes me stumble over my words.

i hope that everything is going smoothly for you... and i have to agree with you about the mars thing. i think that factor has thrown everyone for a loop or two, i call it the Rx factor.

i return all the light and the precious love, you are another 'gem' but also a GEM. words are so useless right now to express how much i appreciate you... so ill stop and rest assured you understand.

lunar, oh how could i even start? i feel i have gotten to know you pretty well, and i just think you are better than ice cream, tee hee. you are so understanding, and so genuine, and i always feel so comfortable 'with' you. you rawk and you KNOW thats a high compliment. *giggle*

it is true that i find it hard to ask for help, i do so like to be independant. sometimes one has to though. i am so happy that i did, barring other events... as i never thought id get the support i have. its a humbling experience, but a good one. i tend to think i dont matter much to many people, call it familial fallout, so this is a nice reality check for me. i am much more comfortable being in the 'giving' role heh. i need to learn this lesson i think. i love your advice, and it did eventually come out with james, i did tell him what was up. he has a heavy burden on his back though, so i had to choose my time judiciously and the time did come and i shared and things were ok. btw today his father called me, my FATHER IN LAW that i have never spoken to yet! it was a really good thing! it ended up a good experience for all of us, and his dad likes me. his mothers side of the family are cruel, the grandmother refers to me as 'the cripple' (we told her i was on disability for my back as we didnt think she would understand the real reason, she is very old school italian) and the rest of them never even sent a wedding card to say welcome to the family. his grandmother is quite wealthy too, and she recently sold a house for upwards of 700 grand us, and she didnt even send him a paltry 2k so he could get the immigration stuff settled. its because he married *me* and she and the rest of that side hate me, even though ive never met them! they are the most judgemental etc etc... ill stop there. his dad had issues but things are better for him now, he and james have been talking a lot lately, and so things are going great on that end. i adore his dads gf too, shes a super lady. phew lol, dont know where all that came from. heh sorry. *blush*

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where i end and you begin there's a gap in between there's a gap where we meet where i end and you begin
and i'm sorry for us the dinosaurs roam the earth the sky turns green where i end and you begin

posted September 08, 2003 03:40 AM         

purplezen my favorate colour, my favorate way of being. hopefully one day i could achieve that state *wink*. thank you for your support, its too bad you wont be on very much as i would love to get to know you. but, we have time, perhaps just not right now. thank you for your support... it means a lot.

trillian i hope you are ok! i dont know how things are going with you. i hope everything is going well, and that you are happy right now. i think about you a lot, but havent had the ability to 'talk', as you know. i wish you happiness right now and always! what IS it about you ram ladies that just kicks @ss??? hee hee

corri i really hope you are doing ok, and i am so sorry that i havent been around much to send you some love but i have a feeling you need your solitude right now, and i respect that utterly. i care so deeply about you, and jase too, and im just so sorry that you are having a rough time. ive been thinking about you a lot lately, but respecting your needs as best i can, so i havent emailed you or anything. i just hope you both are ok. im sending so much love, my words arent indicative of the love im sending for it is vast amounts. i hope i havent said anything untoward. if so, i am so sorry and its just plain ignorance on my part, it has nothing to do with my not caring about your precious self. many hugs your way my lovely fishy friend!

firey leo thank you for your kind wordst! i want to feel better, its a matter of it actually happening *wink* but i think its started. you are so sweet to help a fellow traveller on this planet feel better! i hope you are well too!

queen you are soooo sweet too! i love your posts my dear libra, so it was also special to me to have your support. thank you for the hugs and i have tons for you in return! you warm my heart. btw a sulk party is sorta like where you sit around and feel badly about the things life throws at you. im not prox, sorry for answering on her behalf, but thats my version anyway. sometimes its comforting to commisserate with others who are also suffering, cause you are both on the same level and theres a certain amount of comfort when you know someone is in a similar state. i know it helps me... although i honestly dont wish hard times on anyone, it is easier to be in the same place as other people. its hard for me sometimes in times of stress and depression to talk to or be around people when their lives are going great. part of it is i dont want to bring them down, and part of it is that they are just nowhere near the space i might be in, so its a bit harder to relate at that particular moment. doesnt mean i dont love them, i just tend to go off by myself when i am a little depressed as i dont want to bring anyone down.

oxy thank you for wishing me well. i am actually quite astounded at the amount of well wishes this thread has brought, and its given me great strength. i never expected so many people to comment. its been a nice little pick me up. i hope your life is going well right now too.

cancerian moon its nice to meet you! as with dean i am happily surprised that you have enjoyed my posts. i just never think about it, heh. i am sure you are a wonderful addition to this community, and i am glad you are here with us. as i was saying to lunar, i did eventually get the opportunity to share a few things with my husband, and it was a good thing. i do have to protect him to some degree, if i sense hes particularily vulnerable i will wait for a more opportune moment. i was worried about him for a little while but he seems ok now. it all worked out, and i do have a little smidgen of hope starting to seed. it has been so wonderful for me to read the comments of wonderful people like you who i have not 'posted' with, if you know what i mean? anyway i am glad to know you.

i really hope that my little temper tantrum hasnt scared you away from the board. i am not usually like this, what you see right now is a person who has just taken all the hits she is able to take. i know that as always happens, i will heal, one thing i can say is that im pretty resilient. another part of why i havent posted lately is because i didnt want to offend anyone, and i knew that with my precarious emotional state that was a risk. course that didnt go according to plan, but its all good. just know that i am sorry if it upsets anyone, and im not usually so... firey. i honestly dont know what happened with that cappy moon, they usually dont affect me like that, it must have touched a personal point. i havent felt such feelings for a long time. as soon as the moon hit aqua, it was like a wash over me, but i have always been very sensitive to the moon.
judging by your name, i think you might understand that. *wink*

i do love that piece that wevil (andy) shared. that did help me a bit to read it. i really liked it a lot. its too bad that as a collective society doesnt value people as much as money, but i know a great deal of individuals do so that gives me some comfort. i am rambling again, forgive me hehe.

bissie sorry you are last, i had to go in chronological order, its only fair!! you are certainly not last in my book though, not that anyone is, to be sure. i would love to have a faery godmother *wink* i also love your posts, you seem to also be a 'tell it like it is' type of person, and i really respect that. hmm, i dont think i know your sign? not that it matters, just curious. i just think you are the cats meow, and thank you for saving my sanity. hehe.

its true what you say about the mind, my mind is usually very strong but something about that cap moon just unravelled me and i just couldnt seem to summon the strength to cope with things. i havent looked at my transits because i was afraid to... and i thought best to just ride it out as the mood felt (and still feels) out of my control. not that i had much will in the matter, it seemed that it was time to suffer no matter what. saturn is usually a good guy to me, i mean not really, i have had a bit of a tough life, but i do know that he DOES bring our rewards to fruition when we learn what he wants us to know. perhaps thats it right there, with saturn in cancer squaring my stellium, then having the power of moon in saturns sign, perhaps it was a bit much. i did start to feel a little better once moon hit aqua, it was almost instantanious, if you can believe it. ive always been sensitive to the moon though, moreso it seems than most. perhaps its to do with my natal aries moon, things are so close to the surface and i wear my heart on my sleeve (along with other more unpleasant bits). i dont know. i havent been able to focus on astro as much as i would like, i feel i need a slight break from it. i did a crash course as is my usual way, about 4 months or so ago i took it up again to a serious degree and absorbed as much as i could. i think i am astroburnedout. hehe. its such a part of me that its never gone, but i need a break from the study aspect right now. theres still so much i want to learn, and it seems like its a limitless task with no end in sight. i am very much a 'need to see it all on the table' kind of person, i dont do well when i cant see an end to something, some sort of closure. if i had a structured timetable i think i would be able to compartmentalize the things i want to learn, but every time i figure out a finer point theres 5 more to assimilate and its so daunting when you are doing independant study. ok, more babbling *grin*

hmm as you can see i am in a bit better spirits now. thank you aqua moon and all you beautiful people i like transitting aqua moons. pisces moons too, i have that to look forward to!

im not all fixed up just yet and im still going to take a wee break (even if the power stays on) but i think i can see some light.

thank you all so much. what loving people you all are, i am blessed to know you.

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where i end and you begin there's a gap in between there's a gap where we meet where i end and you begin
and i'm sorry for us the dinosaurs roam the earth the sky turns green where i end and you begin

posted September 08, 2003 05:35 AM           

Oxy -
Thank you for trying to stick-up for me, though.

To be honest, I haven't read much of this thread beyond the bare bones and don't know all of what has been said. Right now I'm feeling a bit twitchy regarding anything approaching controversy/argument/etc, so please forgive me.

posted September 08, 2003 06:29 AM         

*Breath*
*Take another deep breath*
*Let all the hurt flow*
*See it, feel it, taste it*
*Detache*
*Another deep breath*
*Centre*
*Smile*

You know there wasn't anything hurtful in your post to Prox, you know it! Oxy's post did obviously trigger necessary items inside. Leave accusations in the void, watch them, read them, detached, stay willing and open but don't make them your own!
We are all love, let us remember that!

posted September 08, 2003 06:35 AM         

I think you're blowing this way out of proportion. I already said I may have misunderstood you.

Anyway, glad to see you're feeling back up to posting. I know how trying financial matters as well as matters of the heart can be. I defnitely understand not even being able to make lunch at all, and I also know how heart-wrenching it is to not be able to see your love because of distance and money. These things will get better, but dealing with it now makes you strong.

As for juniperb, I can't speak for her or her feelings, but I think what she said to you was said beautifully. And you are posting in a public forum, a forum that Juniperb happens to be a moderator for. And a darn good one at that.

posted September 08, 2003 08:44 AM         

loads and loads and loads of hugs.

i had no idea you were so down- i know you had said to put off our impending discussion til things were better but i had no idea. i dont know why i assumed you were close in age to me but i did, maybe cos we agree on some stuff, but i cant even begin to relate to all that stuff you said so i wont offer stupid advice that wont help. but again with the *hugs*.

dont let anyone get you down. i personally dont feel i have *friends* here but you certainly do so just listen to them and see how much we all care and dont let some stupid comments wreak your day. i've said before how things in this forum sometimes get taken the wrong way- it happens all the time to everyone.

posted September 08, 2003 09:01 AM           

I can't really believe how your country deals with people who have disabilities. Here in Australia you get paid fortnightly if you suffer from something similar, enough to live on that’s for sure. Not to mention rent assistance, bond payments, food vouchers etc. I guess that’s why they call us the lucky country.

Hang in there, if anyone can pull through the tough times it would be someone of your character. I'm glad to see the aqua moon has brought you some respite

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~~Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves~~

posted September 08, 2003 09:19 AM         

I'm sorry your life is so hard right now, I hope talking about it a bit helped get things off your chest and you're feeling better. Those rough roads make us stronger, though it only feels like strife at the time.

Please, please read juniperb's post again, with a gentle heart. I honestly don't think she was chastising you, I think she was trying to explain things from an objective point of view. When all we have is text with which to express ourselves, and no inflection, misinterpretation happens very easily. Both Oxy and juniperb tempered both their posts with well wishes for you...everyone here genuinely cares. And all of this, I think, is a lot of misinterpretation, and if that ain't Mercury Rx, I don't know what is!

I think we need a countdown thread, "How many Days till Mercury goes Direct" and "How many days till Mars goes Direct."

We're One, but We're not the same.