posted May 02, 2004 01:02 AM         

..ok, so..

posted May 03, 2004 05:47 AM         

a woman goes to the hostpital to visit her husband who's on his death bed with their four sons. In his final hour the husband pulls the woman aside and asks her "tell me honestly, i just need to know, is the youngest, the red-head, is he mine?" the woman answers "yes darling! ofcourse he is!"

as the woman steps out of the room she sighs a sigh of relief "thank god he didnt ask about the other three!"

posted May 04, 2004 08:21 AM         

she had mittens.

posted May 04, 2004 01:30 PM           

------

"And just who the _______ are YOU to judge ME?!"
"GOD!"
")gulp( What, you mean like THE God?"
"YES!"
"Umm...does that mean that I'm like dead or something?"
"I guess it DOES.."

------

A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says "Sure! I'll be right back!", then walks away.

When the barkeep returns, he's not carrying a drink in his hand, but a violin. Placing the instrument under his chin, he proceeds to give a passable performance of "When Irish Eyes Are Smiling."

The bartender bows, then says, "Oh my, your drink! I almost forgot!" He runs off again.

When he returns, he's carrying not the drink, but a trumpet. This time, he breaks into that classic Chuck Mangione tune "Feels So Good." By the end, the man at the bar is clapping.

"Now, how about that drink?", he asks sheepishly.

"Oh YEA! I'm sooo sorry, hold on I'll be right back."

This time the mixologist returns with an oboe. Before the customer can say a word, he proceeds to bring down the house with the most soul-wrenching version of Scheherezade that you, I or anyone has ever heard.

By the time he is done, everyone in the bar is on their feet. Tears are rolling down cheeks and the bartender, smiling and wiping a tear from his own eye, takes a bow, then turns to the man sitting at the bar.

"Listen pal, you've been such a great sport. Here's what I'm going to do..all of your drinks are on the house tonite."

With that, he leaves and comes back with the drink that the man had originally ordered.

Just as the barmeister sets the drink on the bar, the man gets up without taking a sip, and starts to head toward the door.

"Hey!", the bartender cries after him, "aren't you going to try your drink?"

posted May 25, 2004 07:55 AM         

Anyways, you guys crack me up so far and very glad to be here!

posted May 25, 2004 10:51 AM         

This is a great string! I have always loved bad jokes, myself. I guess I will laugh at anything!

So:

Did you hear the one about the ant on the toilet seat?
He got p*ssed off.

posted May 25, 2004 12:12 PM         

Why does the Easter Bunny Hide his eggs?

Becasue he doesn't want anyone to know he's been screwing chickens!

posted May 25, 2004 12:12 PM         

I'm the same with bad jokes - I'm in fits with the ones everyone else groans at!

Below, I pasted something (not a joke but just as good!) for those children of the eighties who may remember some of these, remember I grew up in England!:

1.. Um Bongo, Um Bongo, They drink it in the Congo.

2.. You played with "My Little Ponies."

3.. Friendship bracelets were ties that couldn't be broken.

4.. You ever read Nancy Drew.

5.. The Hardy Boys, The Babysitters Club, Forever or Sweet Valley High.

6.. You wanted to be on "Jim'll Fix It".

7.. You wore one of those slap-on wristbands at some point...or heaven forbid one of those T-shirts that changed colour with heat
>>(Global Hypercolour).

8.. You were upset when She-ra, Princess of Power and He-Man got cancelled.

9.. You can remember watching Saved by the Bell.

10.. You even wore fluorescent-neon clothing...

11.. You could break dance (ok, you wished you could).

12.. You remember when Amiga was a state of the art video game system.

13.. You remember M.C. Hammer.

14.. You can still sing the rap to "Fresh Prince of Bel Air".

15.. You can remember when it was Jazzy Jeff and The fresh Prince and NOT just plain Will Smith!

16.. You own ANY cassettes.

17.. You have ever pondered on why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.

18.. My Little Pony, Gummy Bears and Transformers are familiar to you.

19.. You ever had a Swatch Watch.

20.. You believed that "By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the
>>power!"

21.. With your pink (or blue) portable tape player, you sang to kylie and Jason!

22.. Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away.

23.. You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living in space.

24.. You recorded songs off the radio with your boom box.

25.. Your arm was full of rubber bracelets.

26.. You wore those wide, colourful shoelaces. (still do!)

27.. You never questioned why the A-Team were always imprisoned in places that had sufficient tools to build an armoured tank.

28.. You never did the top toggle of your coat up around your neck
>>without having your arms in the sleeves, and you knew you looked like a superhero.

29.. You remember watching a house inhabited by a jester, A pantomime horse and a woman who sneezed, and thinking that this was
>>perfectly normal - (ahhhh Rentaghost!!!)

30.. You've never had more than 10 sweets in a 10p mix-up.

31.. You could have got away with it if it wasn't for those >meddling kids.

32.. You remember Fingermouse and Dangermouse (not forgetting his
>>trusty sidekick Penfold!).

33.. You remembered Monster Munch when
>>they were 10p.

34.. When 'Computer' Tennis, Pac-Man and Donkey-Kong ruled.

35.. You remember hearing the tune then running out to buy an ice cream cone on a warm summer night - 99's, screwballs or a cider Lolly.

36.. You got up extra early, especially to watch Saturday Morning cartoons.

37.. You remember Ant and Dec as PJ and Duncan.

38.. Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.

39.. It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends - still isn't?

40.. You remember when Snickers were Marathons and Starburst were Opal Fruits.

>>41.. You remember when 25p was decent pocket money and you'd reach
>>into a muddy gutter for 10p - hell yeah!

42.. Important decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."

43.. Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better and taking drugs meant orange-flavoured chewable aspirin.

44..You called Going Live on 081 811 8181.

45..And you had your own Gordon the Gopher.

Ahh memories.. for the life of me can't remember one bad joke now - guess I got you guys tho'!!

With love.. Special

posted May 25, 2004 12:29 PM         

My kids play with Rainbow Brite, Care Bears, and My Little Pony... AND Hello Kitty. All of these things are back now. I think there's even a new Masters of the Universe cartoon out these days.

And what about The Thunder Cats? Gawd.... I loved The Thunder Cats!!

posted May 25, 2004 12:37 PM         

Ditto!! to all those things - I loved Thundercats too. I remember building the Cat's Lair in a sandpit with my cousins when we were ickler and trying to do the best impression of Snarf! 'Snnaarf!'

Awww pity I gotta sign off now cos my workin day finishes soon (6ish pm)! Was just gonna get into a fab cartoon memory moment!!

Hopefully speak to ya in 20 hours or so, gotta view some places to rent since I'm moving again!

Take care everyone, great communicating with you LibraSparkle

With love,
Special

x x x

posted May 25, 2004 05:27 PM         

Man walks into the top story bar and asks for a pint of lager. The barman pours it up, he downs it in 3 gulps, then goes over to the window and jumps out. A man at the end of the bar watches with intrest.
The same man walks back into the bar, unscathed, and asks for a pint of lager, downs it in 3 gulps again and again goes to the window and jumps out. The man at the end of the bar notices again, and becomes worried.
The man enters the bar again, still fine and again asks for a pint of lager, downs it in 3 gulps, and goes and jumps out the window again. This happens 10 more times. The man at the end of the bar then says to the barman ''I'll have what he's having.'' He downs the lager in 3 gulps, goes to the window, jumps out and plummets to his death. The barman looks at the first man and says, ''Superman, you're a real arse when you're drunk..''

Sorry, I'm crap at telling jokes, but you get the idea... I thought it was really funny the first time I heard it. ooohhhh... just remembered another one....

A man whom is simultaneously dating three women decides it's time to settle down, and marry one of them. He can't choose between them, so he decides to give them a test. He gives them all £5,000 to see what they will do with the money, the one he thinks is best, he will pop the question to.
The first woman uses it for a fantastic makeover. She get's a boob job, a new wardrobe, manicure, pedicure and a new haircut. She tells him she did it to look good for him. The man thinks she's done well, and is happy with her use of the money.
The second woman uses the money on gifts for him. She buys a new television, cd/dvd player, surroud sound, Play station 2, and a new Apple Mac G4, all for him. The man thinks she's done well, and is happy with her use of the money.
The third woman takes the money and puts it into high intrest real estate, triples the money, gives him back his £5,000, and invests the rest into stocks and high-intrest accounts to save for their future. The man thinks she has done well, and is happy with her use of the money.
The man then struggles with his decision, all three women made good use of his money. He finally makes his decision.... who does he choose out of these three wonderful ladies?

The one with the biggest boobs.