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Author Topic:   Just wanted to share
pixelpixie
Knowflake

Posts: 5301
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005

posted May 25, 2004 10:44 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message
This is bittersweet.. more bitter than sweet, perhaps.
My grandfather, I have posted about him briefly before. He is pallative right now, though in his own home. Celebrated his 85th birthday in December.. Sagittarius. He is such a vital, special man.. survived his entire family.. siblings...
I am ashamed to admit, I have been avoiding him. Maybe it is a selfish thing. He is not gone yet, you'd think I'd embrace every moment I had with him. But when I see this once active, vital man shrunken, when I see his head volley to the side in conversation, as he falls asleep.... when I feel his shoulders, bone with flesh covering but barely muscle left... I cry. I want to see him alive and I am selfish to see him as my opinionated, stubborn, meticulous, artistic, vital, strong Grandpa. He made a pact by his very existance, when I was small... he was always 'old'. He is not allowed to waste away. He is supposed to see my children grow up and be there to yell at them when they make too much noise during "The Price is Right."
He is not in pain.. so my Grandma says.
I saw him tonight. Awkwardly, briefly stopping in to see him so vulnerable.. bringing my kids in and hoping my daughter would show him her pirouettes,and say "I love you." hoping my son wouldn't comment on the colostomy bag.. knowing he wouldn't... struggling through simple Hellos, when all i wanted to say was " I am so sorry Grampa, for not being able to grasp you like this."
" I'm so sorry that I can't be strong, and that you noticed it had been a while since I'd been over."
"I'm so sorry that I haven't the words to express this pain in my belly, or my need to cry upon seeing your face looking so different."
I am sorry I can't stop weeping, though you are not gone. I know you will be soon.
Maybe I am in my 28th year, and am lucky to have had you for so long, others have not been so blessed. But I am selfish, and I want to be an eight year old again, kiss both your cheeks in greeting and then your lips, like only you and I used to do. Then hug a big bear hug.
I was named after your love of Opals.
I am your Opal.

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raine6
Knowflake

Posts: 277
From: the heartland of america
Registered: Feb 2004

posted May 25, 2004 11:00 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for raine6     Edit/Delete Message
sorry about the smiley face...it is hardly appropriate, but I just learned about the "message icon" and it appeared automatically

Please just skip to the next post!

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raine6
Knowflake

Posts: 277
From: the heartland of america
Registered: Feb 2004

posted May 25, 2004 11:02 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for raine6     Edit/Delete Message
Thank goodness for memories...

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Harpyr
Knowflake

Posts: 2255
From: land of the midnight sun
Registered: Dec 2002

posted May 26, 2004 12:51 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Harpyr     Edit/Delete Message
oh dear pixie, I feel your sorrow.
Grandparents can be the hardest to let go of when all you can think about is sweet, pure childhood comfort they brought to you.

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lioneye68
Knowflake

Posts: 6062
From: Canada
Registered: Apr 2003

posted May 26, 2004 02:18 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for lioneye68     Edit/Delete Message
oops

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lioneye68
Knowflake

Posts: 6062
From: Canada
Registered: Apr 2003

posted May 26, 2004 02:18 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for lioneye68     Edit/Delete Message
Oh, Pixie...sweetie, I know...it's just plain hard to let go.

Funny how we only remember the good things.

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aqua
Knowflake

Posts: 2805
From: dreamland
Registered: Jan 2004

posted May 26, 2004 05:23 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for aqua     Edit/Delete Message
ooo......

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Aphrodite
Knowflake

Posts: 4992
From:
Registered: Feb 2002

posted May 26, 2004 08:32 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Aphrodite     Edit/Delete Message
for you and your Grandfather.

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Xelena Ben
Knowflake

Posts: 263
From: New England
Registered: Jun 2002

posted May 26, 2004 08:59 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Xelena Ben     Edit/Delete Message
dearest pixel,

i read this article the other day about Dame Cecily Saunders, the woman who started the modern hospice movement. her life has been spent trying to comfort the dying and their families - and trying to break through the barriers we have built up around this aspect of life. she is now in her eighties and the interviewer asked her how she herself would like to die.
she said...
"Everybody else says they want to die suddenly, but I say I'd like to die of cancer, because it gives me time to say I'm sorry, and thank you, and goodbye."

this blew me away, this way of thinking. to have the time for closure, reflection, relationship.

i'm your age and all four of my grandparents are still alive - i know how lucky i am , and i know that when each of them dies i will be a total wreck for months. but i do hope i get to say goodbye, and let them know how much they have influenced my life in unbelievable ways. what better gold to give to someone you love on the last journey of this lifetime.

perhaps you can read what you wrote above to your grandpa, or ask another to read it for you.

and don't be too hard on yourself. it's not easy and you don't have to be strong and accepting. let yourself grieve in your own way - your tears are for sadness, but also for a lifetime of joy from this man. that's what we do to each other.

love and light to you and your very special grandpa,

xelena

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trillian
Knowflake

Posts: 4050
From: The Boundless
Registered: Mar 2003

posted May 26, 2004 09:53 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for trillian     Edit/Delete Message
I love you pixie.

Your grandpa understands. His love for you transcends all. And that is true.



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proxieme
unregistered
posted May 26, 2004 09:55 AM           Edit/Delete Message
I echo tril, you sweet woman.

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pixelpixie
Knowflake

Posts: 5301
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005

posted May 26, 2004 11:18 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message

Thank you so much for each and every one of your kind words. I felt so weepy and isolated last night when I posted this. I cried for hours. It was very purging. I think everyone needs that once in a while.
I lost my dad's father last April. That was my first experience with losing a grandparent... not to belittle the experience, as of course, he was special to me.. but I didn't see him as often as I saw my mom's dad.. the one I am referring to in the present. So this one is closer to home, less abstract and peaceful.
We practically grew up there, my cousins and I. Very close family. We spent time living there even.... We have a family Cottage about two hours away with a log cabin he built himself.... a man-made pond he dug ( with help) and a spring, for clean, pure, water.... outhouses for... stuff. and even a big old trampoline that he welded together and made himself. I do celebrate the life of this man.. and I am so blessed that I had the opportunity to be born into this family and know him.
But this is also why I feel like a coward.. I am grieving before he is gone. He is such a special soul... he is moving toward the peace he needs now, after a long amazing life.... and a part of me knows he will be better there than he ever has been before, if that is even possible.... I just want to keep him in the forefront of my mind as the vital man I know, and his mind STILL is, even as he is succumbing to cancer. Not the frail man with the sunken cheeks and the eyes too big for the rest of him. It's always the eyes. I just can't do it. I hate that I think I am strong when all I am is a small child. I want to run away from reality, though I know I will deal with it in time.
*sigh*
Sorry, I guess I need this outlet.
Thanks once again for all the sweet thoughts and support. I am not good at this stuff.... ruling death and rebirth is more a concept for the rebirth of circumstances, rather than the realities we all must face in death.

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Special
Knowflake

Posts: 421
From: Another timezone
Registered: May 2004

posted May 26, 2004 12:34 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Special     Edit/Delete Message
Dear Pixelpixie,

You may think it's a strange thing for me to say, but that was very brave of you. I (think) I know exactly how you feel since I felt the same way for my grandfather who has passed. I am worried I am acting the same with my father for many, many reasons.

Thank you for forcing me to think.. I have a a week of pain and release, and it was apt.

Thank you for being brave and sharing. You've given me inspiration to begin to do the same and trust that people care too.


------------------
'The past is history, the future is a mystery and this moment is a gift, that's why it's called the present.' Anon

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FishKitten
Knowflake

Posts: 1033
From: on the trail of the Old Ones
Registered: Aug 2003

posted May 26, 2004 02:11 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for FishKitten     Edit/Delete Message
Just a thought Pix...when we are in-utero, then first born, we seem helpless. We have no muscle control, we drool, we fall asleep at the oddest times, most of what happens goes on in our minds because our bodies are not able to follow along. We go through this again at the end of our lives. I like to think it is because we are fetuses or infants getting ready for the next world, the next adventure. Your grandpa isn't wasting away. He is resting up and gaining strength for his next big leap. He came into this life and prepared a way for your mother and for you. Now he is readying to be the advance scout for both of you into the spiritual cosmos. Please go see him and thank him for his courage. Tell him it may be another 80 years before you follow, but that you will look for him when you get to the other side. He may not seem to hear or understand, but the soul knows love when it it given. When he gives up his old shell, he will be strong and young again, like a happy young driver waltzing away from an old broken down car. Don't mourn the car, sweet Pixie, celebrate the driver.

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pidaua
Knowflake

Posts: 7314
From: Schweinfurt to Grafenwoehr all within 6 months LOL
Registered: May 2002

posted May 26, 2004 02:35 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for pidaua     Edit/Delete Message
Hi Pixie,

It is so hard to see those we love and admire grow old and near the end of their time here on Earth. I lost my grandma to Cancer in 2001 - and watched her waste away. She was also a fire sign, a Leo and very vibrant.

I understand your fear, you want to touch him and hug him, but his fragile state prevents you from doing just that. My heart goes out to you and your beautiful, intense words brought tears to my eyes. How weird, I had just dreamed of my grandmother last night.....

I wish you lots of love and strength during this time. I know that it is hard. My prayers are with you and your Archer Grandpa. I love opals too!!! They are shiny and kind of glittery without the mess of glitter. Must be a Saggie thing

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pixelpixie
Knowflake

Posts: 5301
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005

posted May 26, 2004 03:22 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message
Thank you Special, that was special!

Fishkitten~ Your words were a comfort, I appreciate that... so true.

Pidaua~ I have read what you've posted about your Leo Grandma, and was affected by those words too.
Thank you. My name is Opal. So of course, they are special to me as well. Plus, they are supercool semi-precious stones.

It is so nice to find wisdom and support from such diverse and loving people.
It makes my heart swell. Really, it does!

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Xelena Ben
Knowflake

Posts: 263
From: New England
Registered: Jun 2002

posted June 04, 2004 09:42 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Xelena Ben     Edit/Delete Message
hey pixel -
how's it going this week with your grand-elf?

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pixelpixie
Knowflake

Posts: 5301
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005

posted June 04, 2004 10:57 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message
Thank you for asking. He's kicking! Well.. not a lively two step, but never have we met a more stubborn person.
I love that about him
(when it isn't directed against THIS stubborn Two Fixed Sun and Asc., plus a Goat moon......)
I had a bit of a feeling. We'll see if it is real or a fear. I couldn't sleep, and it popped in my head. This weekend, maybe. If not, then yayayayayay!!!! I will be glad to be wrong.
Thank you for asking.

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juniperb
Knowflake

Posts: 6830
From: Blue Star Kachina
Registered: Mar 2002

posted June 04, 2004 11:11 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for juniperb     Edit/Delete Message
Pixie, you and Gramps have my heart. Mine was a shining star too who I miss deeply.

He was my hero. He had Retinatis Pigmetosa (sp?) (total blindness by age 40) and epilepsy who still cut wood for a living.

A grand Leo who taught me s-elf is the only obstacle to accomplishment.

He passed over at 84 because he said he wanted to. No cancer treatment for him so see ya`s. And a week later, he left! Pure Leo

------------------
If having a soul means being able to feel love and loyalty and gratitude, then animals are better off than a lot of humans. ~James Herriot

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Special
Knowflake

Posts: 421
From: Another timezone
Registered: May 2004

posted June 04, 2004 11:24 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Special     Edit/Delete Message
Bless you Juni, really felt that

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Nephthys
Moderator

Posts: 3800
From: California
Registered: Oct 2001

posted June 04, 2004 01:18 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Nephthys     Edit/Delete Message
PixelPixie, I hope you read my post.

1. your post brought tears to my eyes and sadness to my heart

2. I have no grandparents left alive and only 1 parent left alive. So make each moment left with him count.

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FishKitten
Knowflake

Posts: 1033
From: on the trail of the Old Ones
Registered: Aug 2003

posted June 04, 2004 05:07 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for FishKitten     Edit/Delete Message
Juni...it is Retinitis Pigmentosa. (Because the pigment in the retina slowly goes away, leaving the person blind.) I worked with so many RP patients back when I was teaching the blind. Such an amaxing group. May the cure come sooner than soon!

Pix...hang in there baby.

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juniperb
Knowflake

Posts: 6830
From: Blue Star Kachina
Registered: Mar 2002

posted June 04, 2004 06:00 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for juniperb     Edit/Delete Message
Thanks fishkitten Not only a cure but a way to disengage the gene code that`s inherited to pass it on

My son missed it but my Nephew has it.

Love and lite to you Pixie

------------------
If having a soul means being able to feel love and loyalty and gratitude, then animals are better off than a lot of humans. ~James Herriot

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trillian
Knowflake

Posts: 4050
From: The Boundless
Registered: Mar 2003

posted June 04, 2004 08:06 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for trillian     Edit/Delete Message
juni and an for your nephew.

Pixie, my thoughts are with you. I know you mentioned this is your anniversary weekend, so Celebrate your life with your husband and family. All will be well.

I also have been meaning to mention that the self portrait you recently posted, when you got your digital cam, is adorable. Such a pretty, glowing lady, you chose your nick, pixie, well.

Love and Healing.

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pixelpixie
Knowflake

Posts: 5301
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005

posted June 04, 2004 09:02 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message
oh, thank you trillian!!!
That is so sweet.
My husband actually calls me his pixie, which is where the nickname is originally derived from. Just an FYI.
I you!!!!

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