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Author Topic:   Zodiac Jokes
neptune's mermaid
Knowflake

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posted March 21, 2005 02:04 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for neptune's mermaid     Edit/Delete Message
Hiya

Does anyone know any zodiac jokes??? I can’t seem to find any…well, except for this

PRAYERS AROUND THE ZODIAC

ARIES Dear God, please give me patience... and could you do it
right now?

TAURUS Dear God, help me accept change, but not too quick.

GEMINI Dear God! Who is God? Where is God? Why is God?

CANCER Dear God!!!

LEO Yes?

VIRGO Dear God, please make us perfect and don't mess it up like
You did the last time.

LIBRA Dear God, please help me to be decisive, but on the other
hand, what do you think is best?

SCORPIO Our Father, forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors,
even though the b*****ds don't deserve it!

SAGITTARIUS Dear Lord, if I've told you once, I've told you a million
times, help me stop exaggerating.

CAPRICORN Dear God! I'd like to ask you to help me, but I learned a
long time ago not to rely on anyone else!

AQUARIUS Dear God, I know I like change, but this chaos is ridiculous!!

PISCES Dear Lord, as long as I'm going to drink this fifth of Scotch
tonight, please use the stimulation for Thy glory.

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Philbird
Knowflake

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From: Here, there and everywhere.
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posted March 21, 2005 02:08 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Philbird     Edit/Delete Message
ROTFLMAO!!!! Yeah, let's hear more!

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neptune's mermaid
Knowflake

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posted March 21, 2005 06:45 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for neptune's mermaid     Edit/Delete Message
More jokes http://www.jestsandjokes.com/show.php3?joke=318

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Bluemoon
Knowflake

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From: Stafford, VA USA
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posted March 21, 2005 06:52 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Bluemoon     Edit/Delete Message
How many Aries does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Just one! You gotta problem with that?

How many Taurians does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: One, but just try to convince him that the old, burnt-out one is worthless and
should be thrown away!

How many Geminis does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Two, but they debate so much about how to do the job that it never actually gets done!

How many Cancers does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Just one, but it takes a therapist 3 years to help them through the grieving process over the loss of the old light bulb.

How many Leos does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Leos don't change light bulbs, although you could try their agent who may send in a Virgo to do the job while they're out.

How many Virgos does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Approximately 1.0000000 with an error of +/- one millionth.

How many Libras does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Er...one...no two...um, better make it one...then again make it two...is that okay with you?

How many Scorpios does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: That information is strickly secret and is shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

How many Saggitarians does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

How many Capricorns does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Uncertain. There is not enough information here. How high is the ceiling? How big is the light bulb? I think I better come along and supervise this job!

How many Aquarians does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: None. But 10 Aquarians will meet to have a light bulb convention and invent a new
revolutionary self-changing one!

How many Pisces does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Light bulb? What light bulb!?.

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Bluemoon
Knowflake

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From: Stafford, VA USA
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posted March 21, 2005 07:11 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Bluemoon     Edit/Delete Message
Condoms of the Zodiac

Scorpio
Scorpio condoms outsell all others. That's probably because people try to impress each other with their sexual prowess by pretending that they're a Scorpio. The truth is that no right thinking Scorpio would get caught dead wearing a condom. But then death doesn't scare a Scorpio. And a Scorpio doesn't get caught.

Scorpio condoms come in two editions, basic black and the stealthy invisible model. Both leather and studs are optional. Also, because propriety concerns Scorpio, each package of Scorpio condoms comes with a pre-printed, pre-coital agreement. Symbolized by the venomous Scorpion, when you really want to sting your lover, you want a Scorpio condom.


Sagitarius
Sagittarians are known for their worldly pursuits, gamesmanship, cosmopolitan attitude and knack for doing things in a big way. Sagittarian condoms are the sportier models. They come equipped with travel cases.

Sagittarian condoms are the ones that go with you and grow with you. They promise a lot and they are extra thick to protect against fluids of a dubious nature. The archer symbolizes Sagittarius. When you want to be on target with Cupid's arrows, you want a Sagittarius condom.


Capricorn
Capricorns are known for their longevity, wisdom, practicality, ambition and earthy sensuality. Capricorns tend to be on the conservative side. Capricorn condoms are the most durable, having the longest shelf life. Capricorn condoms are extra strong to last extra long.

With Capricorn condoms, wing tips, pin stripes and brief cases are optional. Be sure to shake them out from time to time, otherwise they go stale. Capricorn is the sign of the mountain goat. When you're horny enough to climb the mountains of love, you want a Capricorn condom.


Aquarius
Aquarians are gregarious, yet aloof. Aquarius is a high energy sign and one that is usually politically correct. Aquarian condoms are just a little bit kinky. They come colored hot pink and electric blue, and they come with a battery pack to light up in the dark and French ticklers for extra stimulation.

With Aquarius condoms, the packaging features political slogans such as the MiXXe Maxim, "Things can change overnight; it depends upon how late you stay up and with whom doing what." Since Aquarius is a social sign. Aquarian condoms come in multi-packs and are detachable to share with your friends. Aquarius is the sign of the water bearer. When your love juices really get to flowing, you want an Aquarius condom.

Pisces
Pisces is known for their deep feelings that somewhat border on mysticism. Pisces are idealistic, sometimes to the point of ecstatic bliss. Pisces condoms are truly extra sensitive and translucent. Little spikes are optional on the inside.

Pisces condoms contain special instructions for erotic fantasy games. Pisces is the sign of the fishes. When it smells like love and you're on a seafood diet, you want a Pisces condom.


Aries
Aries is the first sign of the zodiac. Aries are action oriented people. Aries is symbolized by the ram, so naturally Aries condoms are made from the finest lambskin. Because Aries often exhibits a "get up and go" attitude, Aries condoms are steel belted, feature racing stripes, and every fully equipped sports car dispenses them. Onyx packaging is optional for the black sheep.

Aries prides themselves on being first and best. Aries condoms are perfect for quickies. When you want what you want when you want it, you want an Aries condom.


Taurus
Taurus is perhaps the most sensual and economy minded of the astrological signs. Taurus condoms are made from the most luxurious materials with special models available in silk and velvet. Taurus condoms give you quality at an affordable price, and they're frequently on sale.

Taurians may be slow to make their minds, but once they've made a decision, they're almost impossible to stop. When your love is a sure thing, you want a Taurus condom. The bull symbolizes Taurus. Taurus condoms are the ones you want when you're really horny.


Gemini
Geminis are known for their versatility, intellect and communications skills. Accordingly, Gemini condoms accommodate a variety of sexual positions and combinations. Gemini condoms are sold in multi-packs and come with a special audio chip. Naturally, they're available through mail order.

Frequently, Gemini condoms sell two for the price of one. They always come in special pop up dispensers so that you don't have to work too hard. Gemini is the sign of the twins and Gemini condoms come in twin packs and are the preferred model for double headers. When you need to do it more than once, you need Gemini condoms.


Cancer
Cancer is a water sign and as such is very much interested in safety and tradition. Therefore, Cancer condoms are waterproof and heat treated for hot tubs and natural springs. Cancer condoms make you feel secure. Cancer is also the sign of motherhood. With Cancer condoms, if you decide to become a parent, you can always return the unused portion for a partial refund. Cancer condoms are clingy. Never has history know a time when Cancer condoms were not available. Fine antique specimens grace many collections.

Astrologically speaking, Cancer is associated with the breasts. The makers of Cancer condoms are happy to sponsor the annual spring "Breast Worship Rituals." Cancer condoms are freely dispensed to beautiful, large breasted women. Cancer is symbolized by the crab. When you're not getting enough love and are starting to feel crabby, reach for an Cancer condom.


Leo
Leos are known for their passion, pride, and (pro)creative urges. Leos tend to be a bit flashy, showy and original in and out of bed. Leo condoms come in gold foil packaging with custom monogramming. Leo condoms come in one size: extra, extra large.

Leo is symbolized by the lion. When you're ready to meet your mate and make wild jungle noises, you're ready for a Leo condom.


Virgo
Virgos are fussy and particular. Virgo condoms feature perfection of fit and they keep you neat and clear. Virgo tend to be environmentally sound consumer types. Naturally, Virgo condoms have the lowest failure rate, the highest performance rating and come equipped with a detailed, all purpose instruction manual.

Virgo is symbolized by the virgin. When you're ready for some ritualized defloration activities, you're ready for a Virgo condom.

Libra
Libras are suave and anxious to please others. Libra condoms are the fancy European models and come in fashionable hand-painted designer packaging. Libra condoms make for an elegant accessory on the best dates. Libra condoms are aesthetically pleasing to both partners. They are reversible and can turn into a diaphragm thus sharing the responsibilities.

Libra is symbolized by the scales. When sex weighs heavily on your mind, you want a Libra condom.

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Philbird
Knowflake

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From: Here, there and everywhere.
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posted March 21, 2005 07:13 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Philbird     Edit/Delete Message
Yeah! Claps hands.

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Bluemoon
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posted March 21, 2005 07:22 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Bluemoon     Edit/Delete Message
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a jerk.

PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the F.B.I. or the C.I.A. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence.

ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
You are the pioneer type. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a prick.

TAURUS (Apr 21 - May 20)
You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddam Nazi.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap ******* .

CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a **** . Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting.

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This **** -picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male, you're probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil.

SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-***** .

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are not worth the time of day.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

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Bluemoon
Knowflake

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From: Stafford, VA USA
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posted March 21, 2005 07:24 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Bluemoon     Edit/Delete Message

Cat Horoscopes

Aries Mar. 21 - April 19

Stubborn? You? Surely they jest. Just because you went on a hunger strike for 4 days when they introduced the "diet" kitty food is no reason to suggest that you are "stubborn".

Taurus April 20 - May 20


Now Spring is supposed to be in the air but if you are a kitty living in the Northern Hemisphere there is still stupid white stuff on the ground. If your owners really loved you they would be out there with shovels and hair dryers getting rid of that "darn" stuff.

Gemini May 21 - June 21


Have you ever tried to eat a mouse? A cat would have to be very hungry to try one of those things. A mouse is a toy - just alive. And really your owner should be pleased that you share your toys at 3:00 in the morning...in their beds.
Cancer June 22 - July 22

This month is Doggy Improvement month. What was that D.O.G thinking? Trying to eat out of your dish. You were well within your rights as a cat to introduce some manners into that beast. Claws are wonderful tools when trying to enhance the social graces of a dog.
Leo July 23 - Aug. 22


Like all good Lions before you, this month is "getting into Spring" shape month. If your figure is a little round for your liking, if your tummy rubs on he ground when you walk it may be time for a little ...exercise. Stretching does not count Leo.

Virgo Aug. 23 - Sept. 22

Virgo this month you simply must do something about your hairball problem. If your owners haven't noticed - you must take action by leaving one in appropriate places like a favourite shoe, or slipper.


Libra Sept. 23 - Oct. 23
Do you have a feeling like the cat that cried wolf and no one will take you seriously when you really are hungry? The cat that meows all the time does himself no favours. Try being a little more subtle.

Scorpio Oct. 24 - Nov. 21

Cancer is the sexiest sign in the zodiac. If you are feeling a little randy it isn't your fault, it is just who you are!!! Besides you are beautiful and the kittens will be lovely, if you haven't had that operation.

Sagittarius Nov. 22 - Dec. 21

Organization is an absolute m must in your life. Lets get you schedule in order; 6:00 wake up owner for breakfast, 7:00 bath, 7:30 nap...for the rest of the day you need your beauty rest.

Capricorn Dec. 22 - Jan. 19

.

Don't count on having things run smoothly at home. Ease your tension by lowering your expectations, scratch the sofa if you must but do it in the back where no one will see you.


Aquarius Jan. 20 - Feb. 18

Relationships that you are nurturing will take a turn for the better. Sleeping on your owners head is is important because that's where humans lose a lot of body heat. You wouldn't want your owner to catch cold would you?

Pisces Feb. 19 - Mar. 20

Take a second look at what you are doing. Are you the center of your owners universe? If not it may be time to adopt another house. Lonely older neighbors are great for visiting and they tend to have real cream Go make friends.

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zoso
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From: Death Valley USA
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posted March 21, 2005 07:55 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for zoso     Edit/Delete Message
God, BR those crack me up EVERYTIME I READ THEM!!!!! And I've seen those many times

Talentless Drunk describes me perfectly. Aquarius one is sooo funny, too. I told the CAppy one to my cappy friend and he didn't laugh. (which is hilarious)

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Philbird
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posted March 21, 2005 09:23 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Philbird     Edit/Delete Message
No wonder I have to will money! Just look at that Cancer/Libra combo!

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Philbird
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posted March 21, 2005 09:25 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Philbird     Edit/Delete Message
More! More!

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Bluemoon
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From: Stafford, VA USA
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posted March 22, 2005 07:09 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Bluemoon     Edit/Delete Message

1998 Horoscope for Aries (March 21 - April 19)
These Children of the Ram, combatants wont to stun themselves through the butting of heads, shall finally be free to frolic in June. The blooming of the first roses shall bring to an end two-and-a-half years of obeisance to Saturn's stern hand. Before Saturn releases its iron grip, however, there shall be a time of great stupidity and carelessness from March 5 to April 13, when, thanks to hot-headed Mars, the Aries-born might cut off their fingers, suffer all manner of burns, scalds, headaches, heat rashes and murderous burning of the sexual nether parts.

When Mercury, the planet of communication, is retrograde from March 27 to April 20, the Aries-born shall suddenly fumble and lose his tongue. In June, the Aries billfold shall be thinner, but their minds shall grow fat with compassion and intuition and realizations shall spew forth from their heads like lava from Pompeii.

Other Arrogant Arians:
Kiss-and-tell gigolo Casanova; cadaver-eating Satanic Bible author Anton Lavey; pill-popping youth quaker Edie Sedgwick; queer-bashing orange juice pitcher Anita Bryant; diseased boy-loving poet laureate Paul Verlaine; highly unpleasant thespian Marlon Brando.


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1998 Horoscope for Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
The Bull-headed one, cattle among the signs. O clinger onto earth and possessions, who is always dead set against change! As the summer solstice begins, the snorting Bull shall find himself bearing the heavy yoke of Saturnine burdens. He shall toil long hours for little money, be possessed of a weighty gloom and brood every day with ceaseless self-recriminations. The Bull's innate clumsiness will redouble and his irritation increase at those who are free and graceful. He shall not be able to savor the earthly delights of the senses he so frivolously chases. His nose shall be stuffed with the stench of regret.

Further, when Chiron, the cosmic wounded-healer, traverses the opposing sign of Scorpio, he shall struggle with the addictions and excessive demands of sexual playmates and perhaps even be stricken with venereal disease. Those born in the early days of Taurus (April 20-22) may also experience a sudden, mysterious turning of events that leaves their minds shrouded in confusion. All Bulls should learn to change as life changes, or be forever, like Sisyphus, crushed by the rock.

Other Totalitarian Taureans:
World-dominating artist wannabe Adolf Hitler; poisonous patroness of the arts Lucretia Borgia; reformed child porn star Traci Lords; punk granddaddy Iggy Pop; horse-loving Empress Catherine the Great; real life Citizen Kane subject William Randolph Hearst.


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1998 Horoscope for Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
Deadliest of doppelgangers, chattering children of the celestial plains, The Twins - usually so wont to nimbly skim the surface of that which requires serious thought and committed determination - shall struggle with persons and events that demand steady concentration this year as Pluto opposes their Sign. After their birthdays, when Saturn makes his ingress into the 12th house of Self-Undoing, the Twins may find themselves laboring without love and exiled to social pleasures. They shall be engaged in plots of knives and sudden woundings that will leave them muttering, as did Caesar, "Et tu Brute?" And their dreams shall be filled with jeering judges, merry misers, scowling fathers and tightfisted tax collectors. Those born between May 27 and May 30 will begin existence anew, willingly or unwillingly, as Pluto consumes life as they know it.

Between May 24 and July 6, all Geminis shall he the contentious sowers of discord and careless provokers of arguments, even more so than usual! Still, this year, the Twins shall hatch brilliant new plans and inventions, needing only to be exceedingly careful in the execution thereof.

Other Jabbering Geminis:
Schlock horror movie actor Vincent Price; pompous windbag lawyer F. Lee Bailey; depressed bald guy Jean-Paul Sartre; Fiddle-Faddle loving U.S. president John F. Kennedy; anti-Semitic composer Richard Wagner; political Howdy Doody look-alike Preston Manning.


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1998 Horoscope for Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
O Proud Possessor of the Pearl, indrawn, emotional empath of the Zodiac! The sadly smiling seeker of security shall continue to accumulate treasures in his tenacious claws this year, both through brilliant strategies and blind luck. As Uranus transits his realm of moneylenders, the Crab will astound with his financial second sight. Maternus says fortunes shine inside an electric box that contains the secrets of Arachne's Web. Pluto in the Crab's natural House of Health means that the homely Crab shall be shell-shocked by many sudden demands for attention.

He who is so wont to happily feed on the silt at the bottom of the ocean by himself shall suddenly find himself surrounded by all manner of desperate, greedy bottom-feeders when Saturn enters his House of Clannish Associations. Saturn shall inspire his friends to force all manner of delays on him, as well as suffer him to endure endless lectures and bitter reflections about the past. Beware death by drowning and do not fall prey to overwork. The Cancer should look upwards, toward the sun shining on the surface of the ocean, to find inspiration and the desire to learn, lest all of his blessings cease to drift so conveniently to his depth.

Other Clammy-fisted Cancerians:
Back-stabbed statesman Julius Caesar; wife-beating football pro O.J. Simpson; soft-spoken ear-ripper Mike Tyson; made~over sociopath Courtney Love; slave-abusing hotel magnate Leona Helmsley; shoe-collecting Filipino dictator Imeldo Marcos; uptight astrology freak Nancy Reagan.


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1998 Horoscope for Leo (July 23 - August 22)
O Snarly Lion, self-appointed Hero of the Empire, melodramatic star at the centre of the cosmos who lives in bondage to flattery! Saturn squaring Leo in June brings drastic changes. Friends who once stared on Leo with love will suddenly stare in disbelief. Suitors will no longer tempt him with golden apples. Co-workers shall foment plots against him and their cruel words shall engulf him in a poisonous froth. Time shall seem as if multiplied three times, and many things shall suddenly mean their opposite. By mid-year Leo will feel shipwrecked. Pluto in the Fifth house of Fated Love Affairs places the Lion in the company of evil temptresses. Powerful manipulations and subjugations in love shall rule the day. From July 12 to Sept. 6, the Lion's brain may be as if under a cloud, and many messengers may go astray.

A solar eclipse (Aug. 20-22) will bring those born during the last three days of Leo powerful creative energy that will last until that time in 1999. These Leos will become absurd and exaggerated in their boastfulness, and will act as if the Sun emanated from their hindmost parts.

Other Ludicrous Leos:
King-of-the-World wannabe Benito Mussolini; roundish cigar smoker Fidel Castro; generously-endowed porn actor John Holmes; generously-endowed Long Island Lolita Amy Fisher; scary Nazi propagandist Leni Riefenstahl; stuttering good-guy Emperor Claudius I of Rome.


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1998 Horoscope for Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
O Vigilant Vestal Virgin, Servant of the Zodiac, scrubber of Roman tiles, applier of tourniquets in Empire hospices! This worried seeker of perfection shall find himself strangely prey to excess this year. Jupiter's voyage through Pisces may leave the Virgin shrieking in horror when the Bacchanalian revels begin. The Virgo may find himself suddenly tempted to drown his sorrows in exotic meads. Beware, as a loved one may become prey to narcotics. The Virgo himself may suddenly indulge in unseemly activities, fanning the fire between his loins rather than attending to the hearth at home. He shall keep perfumed and pomaded companions about him, dance naked in places of worship, and frequent the houses of harlotry.

The fault-finding Virgo, who already interferes readily in the misadventures of others, shall worsen his own situation Oct. 8 - Nov. 26 as Mars endows him with a fiery, forked tongue. Uranus and Neptune in the Virgin's sixth House of health shall have him suffer watery discharge from the eyes or a sudden outbreak of hives. He should also take care of all matters circulatory, lest his legs become gangrenous. If Virgos can still the torrents that stir their minds in 1998, they shall laugh and perceive their life as a divine comedy. Their cooking shall be savory and their cleaning shall shine.

Other Virulent Virgos:
Evil emperor Caligula; easily-hypnotized Charles Manson groupie Leslie Van Houten; Frankenstein progenitor Mary Shelley; talent-free genius Oliver Stone; real-life "Hannibal Lecter" Edward Gein; the shaman of showmanship Sid Caesar.


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1998 Horoscope for Libra (September 23 - October 23)
O beautifully buttocked butterfly! Libra, whose pursuit of pleasure and self-glorification often leads to dizzying revels (followed by half-hearted self-flagellation), shall finally be free of Saturn's suffocating caul. By the Summer Solstice, the Libran shall cast off his shroud of gloom. His mind will be free to vacillate, while his body, quite beyond his control, goes forth and seeks Indulgence. Following June, these Children of Narcissus spend less time weighing the wages of their sins against the kindnesses born of remorse. The Libran's life shall flow smoothly, like rich honey pouring into the pot. Like Persephone romping through the fields, the Libran shall be free to chase lusty mouths, glowing eyes, bobbing extremities, and voluptuaries of every kind.

As Uranus transits his fifth House of Love Affairs, Libra shall be attracted to novelty and danger, forsaking everything domestic for the pleasure of being abused by leather-clad Atlanteans. A year of bliss unfolds for most Librans, provided they pay attention to the Golden Mean.

Other Licentious Librans:
Boy-Wonder Alexander the Great; assassin Lee Harvey Oswald; heroin addict and tarot deck designer Aleister Crowley; neck-biting heroin addict Bela Lugosi; cradle-robbing pianist Jerry Lee Lewis; philosophical Friedrich Neitzsche; LSD-saturated Harvard psychologist Timothy Leary.


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1998 Horoscope for Scorpio (October 24 - November 21)
O Scorpio, sexual sorcerer of the Zodiac, so obsessed with all things bestial! This plotter and assassin, apt to claim obedience from others while giving so little in return, shall this year be shaken rudely from his pleasant trance. He who is so wont to hex another at the merest imagining of a slight shall suddenly find himself hexed by the planetary bodies. The Scorpion will substitute his waning powers of mesmerization with outright tyranny. Those who try to escape his wrath shall find themselves tethered to the rocks and left to die in the sun.

Also, pity the poor lover of the hard-boiled Scorpion, who shall find their loins held hostage as Uranus spoils murderously in his House of The Lower Mind. The Scorpion's natural jealousy shall redouble, as his mind foams like the sea with constant visions of infidelity. The fairest in his life shall be driven to distraction, as the Scorpion's corrupt imaginings rise to the surface like foul-smelling bubbles in a Roman bath. If he does not check his possessive, controlling ways, his life shall be shaken repeatedly by domestic cataclysms.

However, Chiron the wounded healer, while crossing his sign, shall speed healing rays to the Scorpion's tortured soul. Relationships may end, but new love affairs shall quickly begin. All in all, a year of suffering and magical regeneration is foretold for this most monstrous of sexual partners.

Other Scrotal Scorpios:
Super-fornicator Tiberius, Emperor of Rome; ritual sex-and-death cult leader Charles Manson; moody dead poet Sylvia Plath; sneaky Howard Hughes diary-forger Clifford Irving; ice-pick-in-the-head Communist dissenter Leon Trotsky.


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1998 Horoscope for Sagittarius (November 22 - Dec. 21)
O stumbling, slurring satyr, pompous wanderer! This lover of philosophy continues his two-year trip through Hades while tripping over his own four feet, thanks to the influence of Pluto. Every day, the Centaur shall awake and be startled by his own shadow. He shall be terrorized by demons and monsters, both real and of his own imagining. Those early-born Horses (between Nov. 28 and Dec. 2) shall especially notice all manner of eruptions, unease, and drastic changes as the New Year brings the return of all that was thought forgotten, as well as a renewed burst of criminal activity. The aim of the Archer's trusty arrow shall be woefully untrue. He shall shoot himself oft in the foot, or discover to his dismay that he has wounded the very angel who can lead him back to the light. To add to the Archer's slow and steady corruption, bounteous Jupiter shall bestow all manner of carnal and base delights. The slaking of spirits shall only serve to float him further out to sea.

Saturn is in the Archer's sixth House of Health, so he must mind his hooves and eat his hay - lest he be sent to the stunning pen.

Other Stumbling Sagittarians:
Joy-riding serial killer Charlie Starkweather; bunglng burglar of Watergate, G. Gordon Liddy; Frankenstein impersonator Boris Karloff; oedipally-tormented dead singer Jim Morrison; smooth full-bodied Star Trek villain Ricardo Montalban; fiddling firebug Nero.


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1998 Horoscope for Capricorn (December 22- Jan. 19)
O Hoarding Homunculi of the horoscope! The gloomy goat so wont to manipulate others without remorse shall be, if it be believed possible, even colder in expression this year. Saturn in his fifth House of Love Affairs and Creativity shall give him no cause for joy, as the fountains of love and inspiration from which he has supped so greedily cease flowing. His loved ones shall transform from friendly cherubs into monstrous gargoyles, and the presentation of his ideas shall seem as if powdered with graveyard dust. The Goat shall be subjected to additional famines as the presence of Neptune in his second House of Money causes wealth to spiral away from him like water down a drain. Neptune shall share company with Uranus, which shall cause all manner of cataclysmic events at work. Furthermore, the normally cold and calculating Capricorn will find himself uncharacteristically dumbfounded when the solutions to his problems shall seem to him as riddles put forth by the Sphinx.

Despite these evident failings, the Capricorn shall still see himself as the invincible darling of the gods, as Uranus shall serve to swell his sense of self. The social-climbing goat should beware of losing his footing. Perhaps if Capricorn begins a long reflection, he might, within the space of several lifetimes, begin to appreciate the value of giving something of himself to others.

Other Callous Capricorns:
Twilight Zone inhabitant Rod Serling; Third Reich inhabitant Hermann Goering; seamy ancient rock star David Bowie; porn star Linda Lovelace; garter-belt-wearing shock jock Howard Stern; tights-wearing Magna Carta tyrant King John.


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1998 Horoscope for Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Darlings of the Dawning Age, these Water Bearers - carriers of the chamber pots of learning, creators of inventions and inventors of lunacy, planners of an ideal society even as they forget that their own children starve - shall be moved to tears this year. When Neptune joins Uranus in this most unnatural of signs, Aquarians may find themselves to have emotional as well as mechanical intuitions. Those who would so coldly sacrifice the lives of their future children in the name of science and progress shall suddenly find themselves affected by the beauty of the present Paradise. They shall weep like a rose wrung out with dew at the sight of any injustice. They shall see harlots as nurses, jailers as lovers, murderers as victims, victims as angels, and the meeting place with the Golden Arches as a temple that gathers the poor. They shall empathize with the fish in the ocean, the money-lenders in the temple, and the pigs in the pen. Saturn in the Aquarian's fourth House of Homes and Endings will cause the pillars of his home to crumble and family life to collapse. His children will squander his assets, and what remains will be used to pay for family funerals.

Pluto in his eleventh House of Friendship, ordinarily a source of fraternity and pleasant association, shall fester a swamp of tyrannical dictators and despots, excessive in their demands for unreasonable loyalty and constancy. However, the Aquarian will be so wrapped up in his mania for the future he may not notice.

Other Anachronistic Aquarians:
Foiled Gerald Ford assassin Sarah Moore; Machiavellian artist-housewife Yoko Ono; quack doctor to the Tsar Gregori Rasputin; prostitute-obsessed Black Panther co-founder Huey Newton; heroin-addicted typewriter operator William S. Burroughs; prose-murdering Gertrude Stein; paranoid wall-builder Hadrian, Emperor of Rome.


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1998 Horoscope for Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
O Gasping Guppies of the Galaxy! These rosy-eyed dreamers so wont to dwell on impossible plans shall fantasize in pleasant comfort this year. No longer shall they be like the misguided fisherman who waits in the desert for a faraway tide to spill forth its treasures. For the first time in twelve long, miserable years, Jupiter's benign rays shall raft down on pitiful Piscean heads. It's true that the very early born, between Feb.25 and March 2, will still be plowed into the underworld by that celestial servant of Hades, the planet Pluto. But those later born will receive many blessings. They shall feel pleased that someone else is playing the martyr this year.

However, the solar eclipse on Feb. 26 shall bring an amazing boost of vitality to some of the Pisces early born (Feb. 24-28), which shall give them the strength to suffer repeated blows. The momentary blinding of the Sun shall serve to open many doors. They shall serve in the sacred temples and be invited to join secret societies. All fishes shall grow fat with knowledge and wisdom, and their unusual luck at escaping muddles of their own making will be redoubled as Jupiter, bearer of good fortune, makes his passage through this double-bodied sign. The Piscean heart shall bloom with thoughts of self-endearment. He shall see his rebirth as holy, and the streets shall swell with bare-chested Pisceans who have given their shirts away.

Other Pitiful Pisceans:
Mascara-melting evangelist Tammy Faye Bakker; praying prostitute-pumper Jimmy Swaggart; Nazi doctor Joseph Mengele; unfortunate Sid Vicious co-dependant Nancy Spungeon; Martin Luther King murderer James Earl Ray; redundantly-renamed R.F.K. assassin Sirhan Sirhan.

(c)1998 by Donna Lypchuk and John McKay-Clements

"For amusement only."

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Bluemoon
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Posts: 4456
From: Stafford, VA USA
Registered: Feb 2005

posted March 22, 2005 07:13 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Bluemoon     Edit/Delete Message
http://www.sodamnfunny.com/Horoscope/

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Bluemoon
Knowflake

Posts: 4456
From: Stafford, VA USA
Registered: Feb 2005

posted March 22, 2005 07:17 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Bluemoon     Edit/Delete Message
http://www.pythonline.com/spamclub/astrology/index.shtml

I think I will be a lumberjack!!!

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neptune's mermaid
Knowflake

Posts: 1069
From:
Registered: Dec 2004

posted March 22, 2005 02:37 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for neptune's mermaid     Edit/Delete Message
Cool Bluemoon,
thanks for all of that
I think I shall be Spam

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Philbird
Knowflake

Posts: 3396
From: Here, there and everywhere.
Registered: Jun 2004

posted March 24, 2005 11:45 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Philbird     Edit/Delete Message
1998??????

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Bluemoon
Knowflake

Posts: 4456
From: Stafford, VA USA
Registered: Feb 2005

posted March 24, 2005 06:42 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Bluemoon     Edit/Delete Message
yes, and old one phil

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maya-v
Knowflake

Posts: 1534
From:
Registered: Dec 2004

posted June 28, 2005 07:32 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for maya-v     Edit/Delete Message
Wish someone added more of these!

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aqua
Knowflake

Posts: 2805
From: dreamland
Registered: Jan 2004

posted June 30, 2005 02:16 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for aqua     Edit/Delete Message
a beautiful thread !!

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BlueRoamer
Knowflake

Posts: 3944
From: Calm Blue Ocean, Calm Blue Ocean
Registered: Jun 2003

posted June 30, 2005 03:34 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for BlueRoamer     Edit/Delete Message
A blank walks into a bar, orders everyone a round of drinks and says:

Aries:
Oh those are all for me

Taurus: Make sure it's all your finest............cheapest beer

Gemini:
I'm gonna grab the ass....err hands of everyone in this joint!

Cancer: I'll go drink mine in the corner and cry.

Leo: EVERYONE LOVE ME FOR BEING SO GENEROUS

Virgo: Hmmm are those glasses clean? I don't want to complain but something smells a bit odd.

Libra: I love you allll...now i have to go to a BETTER bar with COOLER people.

Scorpio: *poisons all the drinks* The antidote is only $700 a person!

Saggitarius: You're all great I tell you, you just are kinda ugly, but plastic surgery does great things these days!

Capricorn: *notes beer in check book* Yes this fits in to my budget I suppose, make mine vodka on the rocks.

Aquarius: Oh you're all so fabulous I love you all! Lets all get naked and show off what god gave us! Especially me, LOOK AT ME

Pisces: wow you're all such groovy, the vibe in here is amazing, *injects heroin*

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Archer
Knowflake

Posts: 1422
From: Mumbai, Maharashtra, India
Registered: Nov 2003

posted June 30, 2005 04:04 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Archer     Edit/Delete Message
MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

WE CAN STOP YET!

GIVE ME MORE!

MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

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Archer
Knowflake

Posts: 1422
From: Mumbai, Maharashtra, India
Registered: Nov 2003

posted June 30, 2005 04:07 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Archer     Edit/Delete Message
ZODIAC COMPUTER VIRUSES

The ARIES virus reconfigures other computers so that your computer gets to download
files and images first!
The TAURUS virus backs up all your information on your hard drive without allowing you
to delete anything, ever.
The GEMINI virus starts a new search every two minutes for great gossip, while it
visits chat rooms, plays internet games, interfaces with your fax and cell phone, runs
the printer and keeps track of your appointments all at the same time!
The CANCER virus constantly alerts you with recipes, home decorating ideas, gardening tips,
and urgent messages from your mother.
The LEO virus downloads the MGM lion on your screensaver that roars every time you
boot your machine.
The VIRGO virus eliminates files and programs that you haven't used in a month and it creates
and updates information that can be retrieved alphabetically, numerically, by the file name, subject, size,
author's name, date, key words....
The LIBRA virus asks you indefinately if you're sure that you want to turn your computer on, turn it
off, delete information or save information, continue on or stay where you are....
The SCORPIO virus automatically installs all the latest stuff you'd REALLY rather not know
about from the deepest unsavory depths of the internet.
The SAGITTARIUS virus happily surfs the internet updating and installing information about travel
adventures and foreign cultures.
The CAPRICORN virus will continually update you with current events, weather conditions, traffic
information, and financial news---and you will learn to like it!
The AQUARIUS virus will randomly re-alphabetize your address list. It will also go into all of your files
and spruce up your font colors.
The PISCES virus gives you constant horoscope and metaphysical updates. Then it shuts itself down....

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aqua
Knowflake

Posts: 2805
From: dreamland
Registered: Jan 2004

posted July 01, 2005 08:56 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for aqua     Edit/Delete Message
keep this thing up!

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Bluemoon
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Posts: 4456
From: Stafford, VA USA
Registered: Feb 2005

posted July 01, 2005 06:21 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Bluemoon     Edit/Delete Message
2 Funny!!

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MysticScorpio
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Posts: 294
From:
Registered: Nov 2004

posted July 22, 2005 02:00 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for MysticScorpio     Edit/Delete Message
Dark Side Of Your Sign
Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)

You are rather materialistic and it is fueled by your fears of financial disaster. This makes you complain about monetary woes, irritating many with your obnoxious attitude. You can also be a social climber, manipulating your way up the ladder; name-dropping all the way to the top. Once in a while, you'll have morbid thoughts about Death something that scares you because you have no control over it. You tend to be obsessive about your mortality sometimes.

Advice:

Stop worrying about losing money, and you'd rid yourself of unfounded nightmares. Stop manipulating others and you'll be free to concentrate on attaining your goals. Get rid of your phobias and you'll be able to relax more and enjoy yourself.

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)

You tend to be too idealistic and naive sometimes. Practicality gets thrown out of the window by you many times. Cool and aloof, you rarely want to deal with deep emotions. You like to give advice but don't like to receive it. And ideas and inspirations that you sometimes neglect or follow through with them are constantly bombarding you. Or else you are constantly shifting focus, giving people the idea with no staying power.

Advice:

Take time to explore your private feelings. Not all people see things your way. And just because you come up with ideas, don't expect other people to do all the work for you. Learn to trust people and accept advice.

Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20)

You are an escapist - you have this knack of avoiding issues if they seem unpleasant. You delve into past memories to escape your present woes. There is also a tendency towards alcoholism and even drug abuse - you are on a search for some kind of 'high'. You also love to flirt and too much of it may send the wrong, dangerous signals out to other people. Once in a while, a dark mood will descend on you and you become rather unsociable and withdrawn.


Advice:
Trust your instincts, but also be in control of your perceptions. Whenever the escapist tendency hits you, join a seminar or get a pep talk from a friend to get your perspective right.


Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20)

A warrior at heart, you thrive on challenges and any strife and dramas, you are tempted to stir things up, just to keep yourself happy. You are also rather intolerant of mistakes and don't have patience for weakness or
failings in others. And sometimes, you can be quite a snob as well you like to be seen at the right places or wear the right clothes. And you're also prone to bossiness. Your restless nature may make you quit a project suddenly if you can't sustain the interest.

Advice:
Get off your high horse and pay your dues before people will accept you. Learn to be more tolerant of others and try to see the other person's side of the story. If you believe in what you do, you can move mountains.


Taurus (Apr 21 - May 20)

You are stubborn and like to hold onto things, not wanting to let go of anything or anyone. You are slow to anger, but when you do get worked up to a rage - everyone step aside! You also have a selfish streak and can be quite sneaky as well. And although people may see you as helpful and agreeable, you sometimes have an inner struggle wanting the approval of others while sticking to your own opinions. You also tend to be suspicious of others and question their motives.

Advice:
Stop being mean and try to be nice. Learn to forgive and let go of your past disappointments. Learn from your mistakes and have faith in yourself and others as well.


Gemini (May 21 - Jun 21)

Your devil-may-care attitude sometimes could bring harm to yourself - you tend to live on the edge sometimes. Many of you believe that you don't deserve success, somehow feeling guilty for it. You may give others too much of yourself sometimes that you lose yourself. You may be prone to suppressing motions as well. And at times that makes it difficult for you to accept affection and love.

Advice:
Work at listening to others and don't be tempted to try daring devil stunts all the time. And try doing something for yourself and once in a while, in between, doing favors for others. You're human, after all.


Cancer (Jun 22 - Jul 22)

You can get carried away with emotions - your anger is overwhelming and your sadness can depress all those around you. You're also ultra-sensitive to other people's emotions and are affected by these as well. You tend to
react before you think and then brood about what you may have done or said wrong. You are also prone to periods of morbidity, thinking dark thoughts. Feelings of insecurity creep in now and then, making you snappish or else
you try to win the approval of everyone at your expense.

Advice:
Accept that you are hypersensitive to emotions and work with yours. Go with the flow and by doing the right thing, you set an example for others. Work with others and this will help build your confidence and open you up.


Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22)

On the rare occasion you lose your temper, you can turn into a savage beast. You seem to need an audience as well, to help boost your confidence and ego, sometimes. Other times, you get caught up in the outward dramas of your life that you neglect what you're feeling inside. This results in
a delayed reaction when emotions sneak up on you and you get hit with a whammy. You also tend to be proud and aggressive, cloaking these with your charm. When things don't go your way, you get impatient and may even throw
a tantrum.

Advice:
Learn to spend some time alone with yourself and get to know yourself better. And learn to experience your emotions at the moment; don't store them up for another time. And know that not all means justify the ends.


Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22)

You have a martyr complex, feeling that you were put on this earth to do good work and not receive any credit for it. You tend to be ultra critical of yourself and others and you also worry about things that are beyond your control. A little pessimistic sometimes, you tend to be an intellectual snob. You bottle up all your insecurities and fears, and
hesitate to reach out for help. And once in a while, you become a busybody - that's when you also feel responsible for other people's problems.

Advice:
Modesty has its own limits - take credit for your efforts. Give yourself a break and know that you do not have to be successful in everything you do. Keep focused and don't get tangled in other people's affairs too often.


Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 23)

Your inability to reach a decision in matters of personal action is legendary. You like to weigh all the alternatives and hear every side of an argument - but this may take time and opportunities may pass you by because of it. You also like to expand energy on people who may not deserve it - You want to help the underdog. You are also sensitive to criticism and may take mild statements of fact very personally.

Advice:
Follow your instincts and act on them - stop sitting on fences. Don't blindly trust people; learn to be a little more discriminating in your offers of help. Learn to think for yourself and don't be swayed by Persuasive tongues.


Scorpio (Oct 24 - Nov 21)

You have a revengeful streak and a long memory for past hurts. Sometimes you're downright spiteful. When you suffer, you make sure others suffer along with you. Sometimes, you may even use deception to get what you want and to influence others to stay out of your way. You may even believe these untruths and unrealistic fears will grow on you. Once in a while, you may come across someone that just rubs you on the wrong side for no apparent reason and you make it your mission to bury him or her.

Advice:
Flight the negative emotions that arise in you, and resentment will not sour your life. Don't' give into temptation to tell lies, learn to conquer your strong tendency towards revenge and things will fall into place for
you.


Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)

You've got a big mouth and unwittingly hurt an insult people with it. You can even go to utter strangers and give unsolicited advice and comments. You also seem to enjoy verbal duels with others whenever you can. And you
sure can make sore losers, even suspecting foul play if things don't go your way. You have a knack for confrontation and you can't resist being sarcastic. You also don't think too much of many people, because you have a mild superiority complex. Vanity is also a trait in many of you.

Advice:
Learn with whom you can be frank otherwise keep your comments to yourself. Discretion is the better part of valor. Curb your cockiness, and you can combine it with your concern for serious issues, aiding in your search for
truth.

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