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Author Topic:   If you ever decide to meet internet friends
AcousticGod
Knowflake

Posts: 11943
From: Pleasanton, CA, USA
Registered: May 2005

posted October 12, 2005 11:26 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for AcousticGod     Edit/Delete Message
From salon.com

My terrific online friend is terrible in person!
How can someone so special on the Internet be such a drag in real life?

By Cary Tennis

Oct. 12, 2005 |

Dear Cary,

I have this friend. Let's call her Susan. Susan and I became friends online several years ago, through mutual (in person) friends. For several years, we had a deep and magical friendship, what I might call a "life of the mind" friendship. We wrote letters and e-mails and had long phone calls. We supported each other through difficult times. Occasionally we met in one city or another for the weekend, but mostly her day-to-day life was something I heard about but didn't participate in.

Now Susan is getting married, and I am involved in the wedding. Steadily I am being drawn into her "real life," meeting her friends and family, and hearing endless wedding details.

At first I was happy to be part of the reality of her world. After all, she is my friend, right? But I've been discovering that my "life of the mind" friend is a very different person in, well, person. At a distance, she is thoughtful and philosophical. In person, she needs constant attention and tending. My husband and I have discovered that we really don't like her husband-to-be, and we're not looking forward to spending more time with him.

I'm worried that my disenchantment with her wedding is becoming more apparent, and that I will sadden her day by not being the happy spaniel she expects me to be.

But here's the nub of my problem: I miss my friend. Can I go back to being a "life of the mind" friend? Should I try to explain all the things she does that drive me batty, and try to grow the in-person friendship into being more like the virtual one? Or should I just give it up for a bad job and fade out of her life after the wedding?

Disillusioned Friend

Dear Disillusioned,

One of the wonderful things about the Internet is that it acts as a space into which we can project an imaginary or secondary self, one more congruent with our own values, more thoughtful, more articulate, more honest.

There are many reasons for this -- the relative newness of the medium (we have not been conditioned since birth to cloak our identities there, to adopt a narrow mode of discourse suited to the demands of the classroom and the corporation); the privacy it affords us (we sit alone at a keyboard; our faces are hidden); and the positive feedback loop it engenders (the personas we project are greeted as actual beings). For many of us, conduct on the Internet retains an element of idealistic play; we are not there strictly for profit, but in order to be who we are, or who we would be if we could be who we dream ourselves to be -- the Internet acts as a vast stage upon which we strut like eager children, free of the constant gravity of circumstance, free to be, for a short time, the people we feel we were meant to be.

Of course, offline we remain the same shoddy, unkempt, short-tempered, disorganized persons we always were, living in close, overheated rooms that smell of cat litter and rancid butter, shuffling about looking for the toenail clippers, muttering about Karl Rove and steroids in baseball.

In meeting her family and friends, it's almost as if you have seen something you weren't supposed to see -- look in that window there, that's your friend, isn't it, sitting at that cluttered kitchen table, picking at a zit, eating mayonnaise straight out of the jar?

We are so cruel. Our first thought is not, Is it not ever thus? but ... You are such a disappointment in real life! We take it almost as a betrayal, forgetting that quite the opposite is true: Here is a person who has made something finer of herself than what her crude circle requires; she has gone as far beyond it as she can go -- in her mind, with her wits, with her soul. We might admire what a Herculean task it was in the first place to rise above all that dull and heavy circumstance of town and family and school.

This goes deeper. Inwardly we are so much richer and better, we are capable of so much more; we are princesses abandoned at birth; we are supermen concealing our powers behind mild-mannered anonymity. It might be said that what some people project onto the Internet is not only a heightened, idealized self but in fact a kind of divine self. I do not think anyone ever lives up to such ideals; most people never even reveal them. It is in fact a tribute to the Internet that it allows so many people to reveal so much.

So my advice to you is to make the best of the situation with the wedding; do not attempt to reconcile the contradictions you are seeing. Do your best to be a cheerful and helpful member of the wedding party. If you need an outlet, a way to process the strange feeling of disconnect between your online friend and your embodied friend, I suggest you keep a journal of this experience. It is, after all, a fascinating thing. But I don't mean an online journal. I mean a personal journal.

For certain relationships -- chiefly ones destined to become romantic -- the Internet acts simply as a gateway; the "real" relationship only matures after two people begin meeting in person. But other relationships, friendships, the "life of the mind," are perhaps better if they live out their entire lives in the Internet space. Your friendship may be one of those.

So once the wedding is over, I suggest you resume your online relationship as if nothing had ever happened.

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Peri
Moderator

Posts: 2447
From: Kyiv, Ukraine
Registered: Dec 2003

posted October 12, 2005 11:29 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Peri     Edit/Delete Message

Anyone please find a happy story!

------------------
It all depends on how we look at things, and not how they are in themselves.
Carl G. Jung

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AcousticGod
Knowflake

Posts: 11943
From: Pleasanton, CA, USA
Registered: May 2005

posted October 12, 2005 02:22 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for AcousticGod     Edit/Delete Message
Oh, I'm sure there are happy stories. I just thought people should be aware of our idealist natures while online.

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sue g
Knowflake

Posts: 8591
From: former land of the leprechaun
Registered: Sep 2004

posted October 12, 2005 02:30 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for sue g     Edit/Delete Message
Stay behind the f****** computer screen thats what I say LOL !!

Found it a tad bit unnerving that she had the same name as me.....HAHAHAHAHAHA........I am also the real life woman from hell......

xxx

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Mystic Gemini
Knowflake

Posts: 1973
From: New York City
Registered: Jul 2005

posted October 12, 2005 02:40 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Mystic Gemini     Edit/Delete Message
Hmmm. I know 3 people who met there boyfriend/girlfriend online and still together married years later.

Depends on the person.

I have met people online but only good online friends I had for like 6 years before actually meeting them.


I know many for more than 10 years now.


But I don't plan to meet other people since I don't go into chatrooms and do all that crap anymore.


These people are sitll my friends and I love them like hell.


I have known them since I was 12 and here I am at 23 still great friends with them.

------------------
Gemini sun, Cancer rising, mercury in Gemini, moon in Taurus *29, venus in Taurus, mars in Libra

*´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ * Lost in the peace of serenity
Blind my eyes I cannot see
Lost my soul but found my heart
Again a time, when I shall start

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Yang
Knowflake

Posts: 2296
From: A temporary home
Registered: May 2004

posted October 12, 2005 03:56 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Yang     Edit/Delete Message
Damn, this is such a drab! I might be in England, early next year, for 2 years, and I was hoping to meet some knowflakes from England!

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juniperb
Knowflake

Posts: 6830
From: Blue Star Kachina
Registered: Mar 2002

posted October 12, 2005 04:10 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for juniperb     Edit/Delete Message
No need to be sad! I have met several Knowflakes in person and they are as wonderful sipping coffee with me as they are online!

------------------
If having a soul means being able to feel love and loyalty and gratitude, then animals are better off than a lot of humans. ~James Herriot

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AcousticGod
Knowflake

Posts: 11943
From: Pleasanton, CA, USA
Registered: May 2005

posted October 12, 2005 04:16 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for AcousticGod     Edit/Delete Message
I agree. It's not always bad. Just be aware, that's all.

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sue g
Knowflake

Posts: 8591
From: former land of the leprechaun
Registered: Sep 2004

posted October 12, 2005 04:25 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for sue g     Edit/Delete Message
Are you okay AG......I feel youre not at the moment.....am I right?

xxx

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AcousticGod
Knowflake

Posts: 11943
From: Pleasanton, CA, USA
Registered: May 2005

posted October 12, 2005 05:52 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for AcousticGod     Edit/Delete Message
The more I think about it, the more I think I am indeed ok. Those kind of questions always make me wonder about myself, but I didn't feel anything particularly bad prior to reading your question, so I must be alright...I think.

The thread about Challenges states where my mind's at right now.

I responded to your comment in Labors of Love.

I suppose I could say that I do feel a bit more hard at the moment, like not particularly emotional, but I don't have a reason for it. Who can fathom the ever-changing moods of a Capricorn?

I don't know. If something is wrong it's either not significantly wrong, or it isn't conscious enough for me to be able to define it.

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Lialei
Knowflake

Posts: 1887
From: blank canvas
Registered: Jul 2005

posted October 13, 2005 10:10 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lialei     Edit/Delete Message
My experience was very positive.

When I met my friend in person she was exactly how I had imagined her to be in every way. There was such a comfortable feeling in our meeting and it felt so natural to be with her in person, as if it were something we had already done so many times before.
Maybe because over the internet we were completely real and honest with each other?
I don't believe either of us ever projected ourselves differently than exactly who we were....faults and darker sides and all.

I believe this is important and needs to be taken with sincere care and consideration when forming a friendship with someone online. To be honest from the start. I wouldn't think it was fair to the other person to be projecting an idealized version of yourself. That is lying to them in a way, isn't it? It seems like using them in a selfish way or a way to feed one's own ego.

Important to consider these are not just one-dimensional beings that you are communicating with, but Souls with heart and feelings and so should be treated with such consideration and respect and an awareness of gratitude in the very thought that they give their time pounding their heart and soul out to you at their own little keyboards.

That was the most touching thing to me of all in our second meeting, when I went to her house. I finally saw her little computer nook in the corner of her living room and the realization that all of those emails came from that wee sacred space.

((hug)) and a smile to you, AG.

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The Mutable Night Force
Knowflake

Posts: 1451
From: England
Registered: Dec 2004

posted October 13, 2005 01:47 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for The Mutable Night Force     Edit/Delete Message
That's interesting AG.

I for one, am really not much like my online persona. I mean, I don't know what everyone percieves me like, but I'm pretty sure I'd be a disappointment in real life. That, and, obviously, a kid.
It's nice to have people forget you're only 15 and really talk to like an adult, since it's not easy to remember online.

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fayte.m
Knowflake

Posts: 9809
From: Still out looking for Schrödinger's cat. fayte1954@hotmail.com
Registered: Mar 2005

posted October 13, 2005 02:06 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for fayte.m     Edit/Delete Message
Well..I DID NOT KNOW YOU are 15!
So what!
I certainly do not mind!
Heh heh...
funny..
you are 15 and I shall soon be 51!

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SecretGardenAgain
Knowflake

Posts: 1254
From:
Registered: Jun 2005

posted October 13, 2005 04:25 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for SecretGardenAgain     Edit/Delete Message
quote:
Of course, offline we remain the same shoddy, unkempt, short-tempered, disorganized persons we always were, living in close, overheated rooms that smell of cat litter and rancid butter, shuffling about looking for the toenail clippers, muttering about Karl Rove and steroids in baseball.

that is hilarious AG. sorry but it really is funny!

I have had one negative and several positive experiences of meeting people in person after meeting online. Sometimes even when the person is different, its in a good way! Ive met two virgos, a taurus, a leo, an aqua, a scorpio, an aries, and a sag online,

met the virgos, taurus, leo, aqua, scorp, aries, but not the sag yet....

got along great with everyone but the scorp who we just didnt click in person...! we faught a lot online too but so what. we still were attracted met in person, didnt work out, alls well that ends well.

with all the others it was a pleasure meeting in person, esp the taurus, who is now one of my best friends and the aqua was so much quieter online, some of our chats would fade away into nothingness, now we've met in person and we're constantly calling each other etc.

people can surprise u in a good way too.

the internet does help in a lot of ways too,esp romantic relationships, ive got an email in by inbox right now by a guy in my class who is the quiet but confident type, that makes smart alec comments every fifteen mins that crack people up u know? but we dont ever talk too much or see each other outside of class. he asked me out on email! never know what might come of anything, internet can help bridge gaps

so far as projecting idealism, i dont believe that to be true in my case...im as much of a b!tch in real life as i am online, i think my posts prove it enough! i can be a mouthful online too. people who like me online usually take a liking to me in person too, i think experiences vouches for that. besides i try to chat as much as i can with webcam and pics, audio, so that helps.

Love
SG

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AcousticGod
Knowflake

Posts: 11943
From: Pleasanton, CA, USA
Registered: May 2005

posted October 13, 2005 04:45 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for AcousticGod     Edit/Delete Message
I can believe that you are one of those, "What you see is what you get," kind of people.

I like to think I would be, too, but I do think I'm at least slightly idealized here. A lot of it has to do with how quiet I am in real life, and how I wouldn't put out my more vulnerable thoughts in real life unless I trusted a person.

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26taurus
Knowflake

Posts: 13411
From: *
Registered: Jun 2004

posted October 13, 2005 04:46 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for 26taurus     Edit/Delete Message
I want to meet some more Knowflakes. We really should plan a gathering of some sort....

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26taurus
Knowflake

Posts: 13411
From: *
Registered: Jun 2004

posted October 13, 2005 04:48 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for 26taurus     Edit/Delete Message
AG, I'm very quiet in real life as well. Not quite as annoying as I can be here sometimes. lol

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AcousticGod
Knowflake

Posts: 11943
From: Pleasanton, CA, USA
Registered: May 2005

posted October 13, 2005 04:58 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for AcousticGod     Edit/Delete Message
annoying...right

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26taurus
Knowflake

Posts: 13411
From: *
Registered: Jun 2004

posted October 13, 2005 04:59 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for 26taurus     Edit/Delete Message
hehe, thanks.

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TINK
Knowflake

Posts: 3831
From: New England
Registered: Mar 2003

posted October 13, 2005 08:09 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for TINK     Edit/Delete Message
Funny!

It is scary though, I think. I'm not sure I'd like to meet someone in person that I found on the net.

Apparently I'm friendlier in person. I got called sweet again today.

Damn it.

I AM NOT SWEET!!!!!!

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SunChild
Moderator

Posts: 4032
From: Australia
Registered: Jan 2004

posted October 13, 2005 09:47 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for SunChild     Edit/Delete Message
26, I want to as well.
Have you met anyone here yet?
I'm in australia so it might be difficult.
But if a Lindaland thing is organized one day I would totally fly over, in a flash.
There's many of you I'd love to meet.

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lovely*
Knowflake

Posts: 2141
From: CA
Registered: Jul 2003

posted October 13, 2005 11:49 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for lovely*     Edit/Delete Message
Well if anyone here finds themselves in Laguna Beach or anywhere in OC..i would be delighted to meet some of you.

I would say I'm much more likeable in person because I definately feel misunderstood at times and don't quite get the feelings across online.

But I think the circumstances here are differentthan most places because we share our astrology with one another therefore are giving a clearer picture of our personal foibles and whatnot.

AG~ you are in CA if I recall, right?

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Mystic Gemini
Knowflake

Posts: 1973
From: New York City
Registered: Jul 2005

posted October 13, 2005 11:54 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Mystic Gemini     Edit/Delete Message
Hey do you ever see kristin and all those other people from the mtv show Laguna Beach around? LOL


------------------
Gemini sun, Cancer rising, mercury in Gemini, moon in Taurus *29, venus in Taurus, mars in Libra

*´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ * Lost in the peace of serenity
Blind my eyes I cannot see
Lost my soul but found my heart
Again a time, when I shall start

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AcousticGod
Knowflake

Posts: 11943
From: Pleasanton, CA, USA
Registered: May 2005

posted October 14, 2005 12:57 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for AcousticGod     Edit/Delete Message
Yeah, I'm in California. I grew up in Orange County, but I'm in a San Francisco suburb now. I go to Southern California for Christmas typically. I'm starting to think about moving back, though I don't know the timing yet.

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sue g
Knowflake

Posts: 8591
From: former land of the leprechaun
Registered: Sep 2004

posted October 14, 2005 04:47 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for sue g     Edit/Delete Message
Ooooh Acoustic, San Fran....I went there once....it is such a cool place isnt it.....would love to come back to visit one day....?

xxx

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