posted April 19, 2006 04:41 AM         

When I was young, I was told: 'You'll see, when you're fifty. I am fifty and I haven't seen a thing.
- Erik Satie

My youth is escaping without giving me anything it owes me.
- Ivy Compton-Burnett

posted April 25, 2006 11:52 PM         

time; after all, happiness is

not the only thing in life!!

--Anonymous

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An archaeologist is the best

husband a woman can have;

the older she gets the more

interested he is in her.

--Agatha Christie

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Bachelors should be heavily

taxed. It is not fair that

some men should be happier than

others.

--Oscar Wilde

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Don't marry for money; you

Can borrow it cheaper.

--Scottish Proverb

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I don't worry about

terrorism. I was married for two years.

--Sam Kinison

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A psychiatrist is a person

Who will give you expensive

answers that your wife will

give you for free.

--Anonymous

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Bachelors know more about women

than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married

too.

--H. L. Mencken

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Men have a better time than

women; for one thing, they

marry

later; for another thing,

they die earlier.

--H. L. Mencken

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"A man without a woman is

like a fish without a bicycle."

- U2

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When a newly married couple

smiles, everyone knows why.

When a ten-year married

couple smiles,everyone wonders why.

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When a man opens the door of

His car for his wife, you

can be sure of one thing:

either the car is new or the wife.

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I take my wife everywhere, but she

keeps finding her way back.

---------------------------------

My wife was in beauty saloon

for two hours

That was only for the estimate.

--------------------------------

She got a mudpack and looked

great for two days.

Then the mud fell off.

------------------------------------------

She ran after the garbage

truck, yelling, "Am I too

late for the garbage?"

Following her down the street

I yelled, "No, jump in!"

---------------------------------------

BaddTeddy recently explained

to me why he refuses to

everget married. He says "the

wedding rings look too much

like minature handcuffs....."

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If your dog is barking at the

back door and your wife

is yelling at the front door, who

do you let in first?

The Dog of course...at least

he'll shut up after you lethim in!

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A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned

over, made a wish and threw in a penny.

The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned

over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.

The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled

"It really works!"

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Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.

After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

posted April 26, 2006 10:36 AM         

"Why get married? Just find a woman whom you really don't like and give her your house"

and here is something to retaliate

Good comebacks to bad pick-up lines:

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing".

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work.

Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

Q. How do men exercise on the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A. Make him wear shoes.

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A. Any place without a drive-up window.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A. A power failure.

Q. What do men and mascara have in common?
A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.

Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Q. What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.

Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.

Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. When do you care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.