posted August 01, 2006 08:13 PM              

A lot of folks can't understand
how we came to have
an oil shortage here in our country.

~~~

Well, there's a very simple answer.

~~~

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

~~~

We just didn't know we were getting low.

~~~

The reason for that is purely geographical.

~~~

Our OIL is located in

~~~

Alaska

~~~

California

~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Kansas
~~~

Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania

and

Texas

~~~

:
BUT
:

~~~

Our

DIPSTICKS

are located in

posted August 05, 2006 11:39 AM              

'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor.

Not a chance' says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

'No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.'

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went.

'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.'

What happened?' asks the doctor.

'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make wild passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible!'

'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'Was the sex not good?'

'Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years... but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!'

*******************************************

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place which made it basically useless.

"This is no good, Merlin!" the King exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I'm on a long quest?"

"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch. "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a lengthy Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.

Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.

"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur. "You are my one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours."

But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.

posted August 09, 2006 04:33 PM              

Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

The pharmacist fainted.

posted August 09, 2006 11:42 PM            

SueG your jokes are hilarious, especially the one your hubby told you!! Do you mind if I spread it around??

DeepIYM:- LOLL!!! that wave joke is a simple joke but tis sooo funny

Hey, whoever posted that pig joke, thats also hilarious!

Fayte- LOLLL! @ the Dr. Phil story, Nice way of looking at things

I've more to say, but anyways.
Keep it coming guys!!! I'm laughing my head off over here and its sure making me happier

posted August 10, 2006 11:40 AM              

"Where does poo come from?" she asks.

The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is
already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:

"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"

"Yes," answers the girl.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the
good
stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go
to
the toilet, and that is poo."

The little girl looks shocked, and stares, at him with watery eyes in
stunned silence for a few seconds and asks:

posted August 10, 2006 12:09 PM            

So they go downstairs to meet their mother for breakfast. The mother says to the 9 year old, "Honey, would you like some cheerios for breakfast?"
The 9 year old says, "Sure mom, those da** things are the sh**.
The mother promptly yanks him out of the chair, takes him to the bathroom and washes his mouth out with soap. Then she sends him to his room and grounds him for the rest of the day.
Upon returning to the kitchen, she looks at the 5 year old who's eyes are as big as quarters, and says, "Sorry you had to see that. What would you like for breakfast?"
The 5 year old says. "Well you can bet your sweet a** it isn't cheerios."

posted August 12, 2006 10:45 AM              

Without missing a beat, my wife responded, "But I thought you delivered!"

posted August 15, 2006 10:50 AM              

One rainy evening, my husband, John, and I emerged from a restaurant
only to find that he had locked the keys in the car. He insisted he
could open the door with a wire coat hanger, so we went back to the
restaurant to get one. There were none to be found.

John then ran to a department store a quarter-mile away and returned
with a hanger. After a few attempts, he got the door open and we
climbed in.

posted August 17, 2006 07:42 AM              

An hour passed, and my husband finally called back. I asked what took him so long. He said he was in a meeting all morning and when he returned to his desk he found a note saying: "Your son called."